Inspector Flytrap

by Tom Angleberger

  “Why is it a BIG DEAL? Just look at my store!” said Koko Dodo.

  I looked at it. It was empty. Well, except for the cookies. I mean, it was empty of customers.

  “Usually I have customers lined up around the block! Now nobody will go in the store because they think my cookies stink,” he fumed. “That’s why I need you to solve the mystery—instead of just standing around asking questions all day!”

  “Well, asking questions is how I usually solve a mystery,” I told him. “But if it will make you feel better, I’ll send Nina up there to taste the shoe.”

  “Why the heck would you do that?” Koko Dodo asked.

  “Well, it worked the last time,” I said. “Go ahead, Nina.”

  Most goats can jump very high. Nina can jump higher than most goats. She made a big jump and landed on the roof of the cookie store.

  She took a great big bite out of the shoe. She chewed it for a minute, then started to turn green.

  “ACK!” she bleated, and then she keeled over. She fell right off the roof. Luckily, she landed on Koko Dodo and was not injured.

  “What did it taste like?” I asked when she had finished gagging and choking.

  “Old fish,” said Nina.

  “And the beach.

  “Rope.

  “Boats.

  “Treasure chests.

  “The Seven Seas.”

  She stopped and thought for a second.

  “And dirty feet,” she added.

  “That’s ridiculous,” said Koko Dodo, still lying under Nina. “How would a goat know what dirty feet taste like?”

  “You don’t want to know,” I told him.

  Chapter 10

  This was a tough case!

  Why was there only one shoe? Why was it so big? Why did it taste like old fish, the beach, rope, boats, treasure chests, the Seven Seas, and dirty feet?

  Suddenly I knew the answer!

  “AHA!” I shouted. “I have solved another BIG DEAL mystery!”

  “Do you know whose shoe this is?” asked Koko Dodo.

  “Yes! It belongs to a pegleg pirate.”

  “What’s a pegleg pirate?” asked Koko Dodo.

  “A pegleg pirate is a pirate who has lost a leg. Maybe a shark ate the leg, or maybe a cannonball hit it. So he has one real leg and one wooden leg. He only needs one shoe.”

  “But why a big shoe?”

  “Because he’s a giant pegleg pirate.”

  At this point, I expected Koko Dodo to thank me. He didn’t.

  “A giant pegleg pirate? That’s all you’ve got? That’s your solution? What I want to know is what to do about it!”

  “Ah,” I said. “That is a different BIG DEAL mystery.”

  “Can you solve it?”

  “Not right now,” I said. “We have to go.”

  “Why?”

  “Because Nina is eating your great-great-great-grandpop’s super-secret cookbook.”

  By the time Koko Dodo got to her, she was swallowing the last page.

  Koko Dodo went nuts. He ran around in a circle flapping his tiny wings.

  “I’m ruined! Ruined! I can’t bake cookies without my super-secret recipes!”

  We left quickly.

  Chapter 11

  When we got back to the office, I decided to give Nina a lecture about not eating stuff that doesn’t belong to her.

  “Nina, you really upset Koko Dodo.”

  “Mmmrr mmrwlll,” she said.

  “What? I can’t understand you when you talk with your mouth full.”

  She swallowed the doorknob that she had been chewing and said, “Big deal.”

  I was about to tell her that it really was a big deal when the phone rang.

  “Flytrap Detective Agency,” I said. “Do you have a mystery?”

  A big voice said, “ARRRR! YES, MATEY!”

  “Is it a BIG DEAL mystery?” I asked.

  The big voice said, “ARRRRRR! YES, MATEY!”

  “Are you a giant pegleg pirate who’s missing a shoe?” I asked.

  The big voice said, “ARRRR! YES, MATEY!”

  “AHA! Another BIG DEAL mystery solved! You will find your shoe on top of Koko Dodo’s cookie store downtown.”

  The big voice said, “ARRRR! THANKS, MATEY!”

  Chapter 12

  Let’s celebrate solving our latest BIG DEAL mystery,” I said to Nina. “Let’s go out for lunch.”

  Nina did not say “Big deal.” She takes lunch very seriously. She doesn’t care where we go—she just wants to go.

  “How about Penguini’s Linguini?” I asked. It’s where we first met, when I was a table decoration with a dream and Nina was dining alone . . . on the tablecloth.

  Instead of answering, she pushed me out the door, and away we went. Luckily, Penguini’s Linguini is on our block, so we didn’t have to cross the street.

  “Hey, Penguini!” I called as Nina pushed me through the front door.

  “Hey, Inspector Flytrap! Great to see you again! Nina the Goat, you’re looking good, honey!” I like Penguini because he always gets my name right.

  “What was yesterday’s special?” I asked.

  “Anchovy ravioli,” he said.

  “Wonderful!” I said. “That works.”

  “Help yourselves!” said Penguini.

  Nina pushed me right through the restaurant, past the kitchen, and into the alley in back.

  There it was . . . an overloaded trash can filled with old, rotting food.

  “Mmm,” said Nina.

  Above the trash can buzzed a cloud of flies.

  “Mmm,” I said.

  We both had a feast.

  Chapter 13

  My phone didn’t ring.

  “Hey, Nina,” I said. “I wonder why we’re not getting any phone calls about BIG DEAL mysteries.”

  She didn’t answer. She was busy chewing on something.

  “Maybe there are no more BIG DEAL mysteries,” I said.

  Nina just kept chewing.

  “Hey, maybe that’s a BIG DEAL mystery!” I said. “The Mystery . . . of No More Mysteries! What do you think?”

  Nina just kept on chewing.

  “Hey, what are you eating over there?” I asked.

  “Phone,” she said.

  “The phone!?! No wonder we’re not getting any phone calls, Nina! You’re ruining the Flytrap Detective Agency!”

  “Big deal,” said Nina.

  “Well, it’s a big deal to me. Quick, push me to the phone store!”

  When we got to the phone store, the salesperson showed me the newest kind of phone. It was very, very small and had lots of neat extras, like a camera, electronic maps, and a high-powered 3-D video magnifying glass.

  “Wow!” I said. “That would be perfect for my job as a detective. What do you think, Nina?”

  She ate it in one bite.

  “Too small,” she said.

  “Do you have any goat-proof phones?” I asked the salesperson. He showed me to the goat-proof-phone aisle. All the goat-proof phones were big and clunky and didn’t have cameras or any other cool stuff.

  “All right,” I said. “I guess I’ll take the biggest, clunkiest, least cool phone you’ve got.”

  Back at the office, I plugged in the enormous new phone.

  It rang right away!

  “Flytrap Detective Agency. Do you have a mystery?”

  A grumpy voice said, “Yeah, Mr. Flytrap, I sure do!”

  “Actually, my name is Inspector Flytrap,” I said.

  “Who cares! All I care about is getting somebody to solve this mystery.”

  “Is it a BIG DEAL mystery?”

  “Duh! Of course it is.” said the grumpy voice. “I wouldn’t waste my time calling you over a SMALL deal mystery.”

  The grumpy voice told me all about it.

  “I’ll be right over,” I said and hung up the phone.

  “Nina, will you please push me to Snooty la Tooty Gardens? Someone has stolen their largest and most bea
utiful flower.”

  “Big daffodil,” said Nina.

  “No,” I said. “It’s a rose.”

  Chapter 14

  I’d never been to Snooty la Tooty Gardens before.

  That’s because it makes me sad to see plants locked up behind fences. I believe that all plants should be free to go wherever they want. But the truth is that I’ve never met another plant that actually wanted to go anywhere. Most plants are happy just to sit where they are.

  But when Nina pushed me across Garden Street right in front of a speeding fire truck, I started to wish that I had stayed at home, too. The fire truck swerved just in time and we barely made it across alive.

  There, waiting in front of the gates of Snooty la Tooty Gardens, was a really grumpy rat.

  “I know what you’re thinking, Mr. Flytrap! Well, I’m not a rat. I’m a kiwi. Mimi Kiwi.”

  “Hello, Mimi Kiwi,” I said. “I am Inspector Flytrap, and this is Nina. I’m sorry I thought you were a rat.”

  “Hmmph,” said the really grumpy kiwi.

  “What’s a kiwi?” I asked.

  “DUH!” said Mimi Kiwi. “I am.”

  “Oh,” I said.

  There was an awkward silence. Finally I said, “Would you like to show me the scene of the crime?”

  Mimi Kiwi muttered something and led us through the gate, down a path, and into a greenhouse.

  The greenhouse was crammed with every kind of plant. They were all in pots, just like mine.

  Mimi Kiwi pointed to an empty spot near the door.

  “Is that where the rose was?” I asked.

  “Duh!”

  I guessed that she meant “Yes.”

  “So, was the missing rose in a pot?” I asked.

  “Duh!”

  “And the pot is missing, too?”

  “Duh!”

  I have to admit that I’ve never met an animal—or a plant, for that matter—as rude and unhelpful as Mimi Kiwi. Even Nina seemed polite next to her. I gave up asking her questions and started looking around.

  I found a tiny little clump of black stuff on the floor.

  “Nina, would you mind eating this?” I asked.

  Nina didn’t mind.

  “What’s it taste like?” I asked.

  “Potting soil,” said Nina.

  “Just as I suspected! The thief must have spilled some of the dirt when they moved the pot.”

  “Duh!” said Mimi Kiwi.

  “Big deal,” said Nina.

  I ignored Mimi Kiwi, but I answered Nina.

  “Actually, it’s quite important. Notice that there are several other clumps of potting soil,” I said. “It’s like a trail of soil. And it goes right out the door.”

  “D—,” Mimi Kiwi started to say, but we didn’t stick around to hear her finish.

  “Quick, Nina. Follow that dirt!” I cried, and she pushed me right out the door.

  Chapter 15

  Nina and I followed the dirt out of Snooty la Tooty Gardens, down the street, around the corner, and up a long hill.

  Nina complained and grumbled the whole way.

  Finally, at the top of the hill, the dirt trail led us into a big park. And then I saw what we were after . . . a beautiful rose . . . in a pot . . . on a skateboard . . . being pushed by a goat!

  “AHA!” I shouted. “I have solved another BIG DEAL mystery!”

  The other goat must have heard me, because suddenly it started pushing the rose really fast.

  “Quick, Nina, after them!” I shouted.

  The chase was on! The other goat was faster, but Nina was more daring and reckless. We gained ground by racing at full speed over big bumps, taking turns without slowing down, and weaving in between the feet of passing animals.

  Sure, I was worried about crashing, but I didn’t ask Nina to slow down. My potting soil was spilling out, too, but I didn’t care. To solve the mystery I had to catch that flower!

  Suddenly the flower slowed down and swerved onto the grass to go around some concrete steps.

  I closed my eyes. I knew what Nina was about to do and I just couldn’t look. She hopped on behind me and we went flying over the steps.

  “Yee-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” shouted Nina.

  We went right over a sloth sitting on the steps reading a newspaper.

  When we hit the ground, I bounced and almost spilled. But somehow I stayed on the skateboard and we kept going. We were catching up to them.

  But now we were on a long straight section of sidewalk. The other goat was just too fast. Nina got off and started pushing again, but we were falling behind. The rose was getting away.

  I looked ahead and saw that the rose was about to run into some sort of lumpy metal thing that was on the sidewalk.

  “Look out!” I shouted. “You’re going to crash!”

  But it was too late. The rose’s skateboard hit the metal lump, the skateboard flipped over, and the rose tumbled off.

  Nina had to use all four hooves as brakes to stop us just before we hit the metal lump, too. Now I could see that it was in the shape of a pickle. It was a pickle paperweight that someone had dropped in the park.

  “AHA!” I shouted. “I have just solved two BIG DEAL mysteries at the same time!”

  Chapter 16

  Nina pushed me over to where the rose lay on the sidewalk.

  “We’ve got it now!” I shouted victoriously.

  The rose straightened up and brushed itself off.

  “I am not an ‘it,’” said the rose. “I am a ‘she.’ My name is Wanda.”

  “Oh,” I said. I felt like a real jerk. “I’m sorry. I did not expect a talking rose.”

  “I did not expect a talking Venus flytrap,” said Wanda.

  Then we took a good look at each other. “WOWZER!” I thought, “That is one beautiful plant! Her leaves! Her petals! Her stem! Her beautiful rosy eyes!”

  “I did not expect such a beautiful rose,” I said.

  “And I did not expect such a handsome Venus flytrap,” said Wanda.

  It was love at first sight!

  “Please do not take me back to the greenhouse,” said Wanda. “I want to be free.”

  I did not expect that, either.

  “You mean, you don’t want to go back to Snooty la Tooty Gardens?” I asked. “I thought you were being kidnapped.”

  “No! I was trying to escape from that awful place! This really nice goat was trying to help me.”

  “Hi! My name is William,” said the goat.

  “Hello, William, my name is Inspector Flytrap, and this is my assistant, Nina the Goat.”

  William looked at Nina.

  “I did not expect such a beautiful goat,” he said to Nina.

  I expected Nina to say “Big deal,” but she did not.

  She said, “William, you are the goat I have dreamed of all my life. Let me kiss you! Kissy-kissy smooch-smooch!”

  And then she kissed him. I did not expect that, and I don’t think William did, either.

  I was wondering if Wanda might give me a kiss, too, when I heard a roaring motor. A big pickup truck screeched to a halt in the street next to the park.

  “Oh no!” cried Wanda. “It’s Mimi Kiwi!”

  “Duh!” said Mimi Kiwi, looking out of the window at us. “Put the rose in the truck, Flytrap.”

  “Are you going to take me back to the greenhouse?” asked Wanda.

  “Duh!” said Mimi Kiwi.

  Wanda looked at me with tears in her beautiful rosy eyes. “I want to stay with you!”

  I turned to Mimi Kiwi.

  “Mimi, I love this rose. I will not help you take her back to the greenhouse.”

  Then I turned to the goats.

  “Nina! William! Will you help us escape?”

  Nina and William got Wanda’s pot back on her skateboard. I picked up the pickle paperweight.

  “Let’s go!” I hollered.

  “Wait!” shouted Mimi Kiwi. “If I don’t get the rose back, then you didn’t really solve the mys
tery.”

  “Big deal,” I said.

  Chapter 17

  We took off, zooming down the sidewalk as fast as Nina and William could go.

  I heard the squeal of tires and knew that Mimi Kiwi was right behind us.

  I looked back to see if she was gaining on us and saw something even worse.

  It was Lulu Emu! She was driving a bus full of art scientists. They were all leaning out of the windows and shouting and hollering at us.

  “You’ve got to pay for that painting, Mr. Flytrap!” Lulu Emu screamed.

  But I could barely hear her, because a motorcycle was racing up behind her. Koko Dodo was driving it!

  “Mr. Flytrap, you ruined my business!” Koko Dodo was shouting.

  “ARRRRR! AND YOU RUINED MY SHOE, MR. FLYTRAP!” came a big booming voice from behind him. It was a giant pegleg pirate on a rollerskate!

  Last of all came a sloth with a newspaper riding an old-timey bicycle.

  “You keep bugging me while I’m trying to read the paper, Mr. Flytrap!” the sloth yelled.

  “My name,” I yelled back at all of them, “is Inspector Flytrap!”

  Chapter 18

  How can we ever escape?” I cried. “They’re too fast!”

  “Big hill,” said Nina, turning my skateboard so we went down a side street. William and Wanda did the same.

  I looked ahead. It was the steepest hill in the whole city.

  “NO, NINA!” I shouted, but it was too late. She hopped on my skateboard, and William hopped on Wanda’s. I felt gravity take over, pulling us down, down, down. Faster and faster!

  Just before we started to plunge down the hill I saw a street sign. It said ONE WAY. And it was pointing the other way!

  A huge busload of ostriches was coming right at us.

  “Duck!” yelled Wanda.

  “No, ostriches,” I said.

  “NO! DUCK!”

  We both got our heads down just in time as Nina and William steered us under the bus. A huge tire roared by, just inches from my pot.