What If

by Rebecca Donovan

  "Yeah, right," Rae scoffs. "Cal does not have the awkward conversations. He totally walks away from any kind of confrontation. Seriously, he'll go out of his way by miles to avoid it."

  "Yeah, I know," Nyelle says, smirking.

  I suddenly find the stain on the couch worthy of my attention when Rae starts laughing. This conversation needs to end now.

  "So why do you walk away? Are you afraid of hurting their feelings or something?" Nyelle asks.

  And just to make it worse, Eric chimes in. "Cal is that laid-back, let-the-world-happen-to-me kind of guy. That's how he gets the ladies. They always approach him because he comes off as the nice guy. I don't think he's ever hit on a girl. So the dude's never had to experience rejection."

  "What are you talking about?" I interject, feeling the need to defend myself, even if he is telling the truth.

  "Who was the last girl you asked out?" Rae challenges.

  I look to Nyelle out of the corner of my eye, because technically it was her.

  "No, you didn't," she says, reading my mind. "You were supercasual about it, making it sound like a bunch of you were going out."

  "He asked you out?" Rae gawks.

  Nyelle shakes her head. "No. He didn't."

  Eric raises his eyebrows, as if to ask, What the hell is wrong with you?

  Unable to listen to them analyze me any longer, I stand up and walk to the fridge. "Anyone need a drink?" I grab a beer. Eric raises his hand, so I toss him the can.

  "Do you have Coke?" Nyelle asks.

  "Me too," Rae adds. I take out the cans of soda along with another beer and hand them off to the girls. Rae mixes hers with Jack Daniel's, and Nyelle takes a huge gulp and swishes it around in her mouth.

  "Are you gargling with Coke?" Eric laughs.

  "Rinsing out the Doritos from my teeth," she explains after swallowing. Then she shifts on the cushion to examine Rae.

  "What?" Rae demands, tightening her eyes.

  "Can I touch your hair?" Nyelle requests, holding her hand above Rae's head, waiting for permission.

  "Are you drunk?" Rae asks.

  "I don't really like to drink," Nyelle replies. "It makes me angry."

  "And you don't want to see her when she's angry," I note with a shake of my head, thinking back to the guy pinned up against the house with the blade under his chin.

  "Does she turn green and rip through her clothes?" Eric says, laughing hysterically at his own joke.

  Rae laughs too. I grin.

  "Fine, go ahead," Rae finally says with a dramatic sigh when she realizes Nyelle's still waiting for an answer. Nyelle's eyes light up and a smile erupts on her face as she gently brushes her hand along the buzzed pink hair.

  "It's so soft," Nyelle says in awe. "You know, Rae, you're amazing."

  "Why?" Rae asks cautiously.

  "You're so secure with who you are. Come on, you started your own punk band! I just... I'm going to give you a hug now." Before Rae can respond, Nyelle wraps her arms around her and pulls her in for quick, tight hug. Rae's eyes widen with shock. "You make me happy." Then Nyelle sits back against the couch, squeezes her hands, and asks excitedly, "Okay. What do we do now?"

  No one moves. We just stare at her.

  "What was that?" I mutter.

  "I think it's the gummy bears," Rae murmurs.

  "I have fireworks," Eric blurts.

  "We can blow stuff up!" Nyelle exclaims, clapping her hands together.

  "Well... they're sparklers," Eric adds.

  "Which aren't fireworks, you idiot." Rae rolls her eyes.

  "Is there something we can climb?" Nyelle asks with a crazed look in her eye. I think she's definitely had too much sugar.

  "Umm... there's the barn," Eric suggests. "Or--"

  "Nyelle, that's not a good idea," I implore, but it's too late. She's off the couch with her shoes on her feet, walking out the door, holding her jacket... and my truck keys.

  I collapse against the back of the couch. "Eric, really?"

  "What did I do?" he questions, completely confused. "Wait. Did she just take off for the barn?"

  "Yeah," I sigh, standing up and grabbing my jacket. "And you two better hurry up or she'll leave without you."

  When I step out in the snow-dusted night, I find Nyelle behind the wheel of the truck, waiting. This is not a good idea. But I can tell there's no talking her out of it as she grips the steering wheel in anticipation.

  "Scoot over. I'm driving," I tell her when I open the driver's side door.

  "But I haven't had anything to drink," she remarks.

  "And I've maybe had a beer," I reply. "Besides, do you even know where we're going?" I hesitate, because I'm suddenly afraid to know the answer. "Have you been... to the barn?"

  "You've been to the barn?" Eric exclaims in shock, holding the passenger door open for Rae.

  "What are you guys talking about?" Nyelle asks. "I've never been there, but you're the one who mentioned it, Eric."

  "It's still snowing!" Rae complains, interrupting talk of the barn. "Why does it always have to snow when I come here?!"

  She slides in next to Nyelle, and Eric climbs in after her. Nyelle moves closer to me so we can all fit. My pulse picks up pace when her thigh presses against mine. And then I'm finding breathing challenging when I reach between her legs for the stick shift.

  "Wait. If you hate snow, why are you coming to school here next year?" Eric questions.

  Rae glances at me and shrugs.

  "You have this strange hold over the women in your life, huh?" Nyelle whispers close. I can feel her breath on my neck and swallow hard.

  "Where are we going exactly?" Nyelle asks.

  "To have sex," Eric says with a stupid grin on his face.

  "Shut up, Eric," I threaten, suddenly feeling the need to crack the window and let some cool air in.

  "Someone make sense. Now, please," Rae demands.

  "The barn is on this abandoned property just outside town. And as a rite of passage, couples from Crenshaw go out there and..." I let the words trail off, hoping they pick up on the rest.

  "Have sex," Eric says. So now they definitely get it if they didn't before. "I guess the walls and beams are carved with the initials of everyone who's been there."

  "That's where we're going?" Rae asks, sounding horrified. "Who thought this was such a great idea?"

  We all look at Eric.

  "Hey! I was just thinking out loud," Eric defends. "I didn't know we'd really go there. I don't even know where it is."

  "But you do," Nyelle says from beside me. I can't look at her. I remain focused on the road.

  "Cal?" Rae says. "Are we going to find your initials on the wall?"

  Fuck.

  "No," I answer quietly. Not because I've never been out there, only because we never made it out of my truck. But there's no way in hell I'm about to volunteer that information.

  I can feel their eyes on me, and I refuse to look at them, steering us through the back roads of Crenshaw to where the houses start thinning out and large expanses of woods and farmland take over.

  "I'm not going in there," Rae declares.

  "Do you want me to turn around?" I ask.

  "No," Nyelle says. "Keep going."

  I risk a glance at Nyelle. She's wearing an amused grin. Maybe I should say something to clear up the image she probably has of me. But I don't. What would I say?

  A few minutes later, I pull down the long driveway of the abandoned farmhouse. The dirt road splits, and I stay to the right toward the dark wooden barn and the rusted white silo standing beside it.

  "It stopped snowing," Nyelle announces as we get out of the truck. Then she pauses in front of the truck, her gaze directed to top of the silo. A brilliant smile erupts on her face.

  "Oh no," I say. "Don't even think about it."

  Too late.

  Nyelle is already walking toward the silo.

  "Where's she going?" Rae asks from beside me. "She's not going to..."

 
"Yeah, she is," I answer. I blow out whatever common sense I have left and proceed after her.

  "No way, Cal," Rae says urgently. "Are you insane?"

  I don't look back for fear of losing my nerve. I remain focused on making sure nothing happens to Nyelle--it keeps me from thinking too much about what could happen to me. She's my courage. If it weren't for her, there's no way I'd be holding on to the rungs of a ladder, climbing up a silo that has more rust than paint streaking its sides.

  "C'mon, Rae," Eric reassures her. "I've got your back. Let's go."

  "I can't believe I'm doing this," I hear her say in the distance. I concentrate on my hands, unable to look down.

  Nyelle doesn't hesitate when we reach the grated platform. She reaches for the ladder leading to the top of the dome just as I open my mouth to stop her.

  Shit.

  My hands are shaking by the time I'm sitting next to her. I've convinced myself it's adrenaline, and I'm going with that.

  Nyelle's out of breath, but still wearing the kid-on-Christmas-morning smile.

  "This is amazing," she says, lying back with a hand behind her head. "Look at the stars with me, Cal."

  I lie back, and Nyelle threads her arm through mine, pulling herself close to me. I take a deep breath and try to focus on the sky. The storm clouds have thinned into wispy strands that weave across the sky, allowing pockets of stars to shine through.

  "You found your something to climb," I say. "But I think I prefer the tree." I fight to keep my attention on the sky and not on the fact that I'm closer to the clouds than I've ever been without being strapped in. There's no sense in looking down to search for the sanity that I left at the bottom of the ladder. I'm up here. With Nyelle.

  "I did," she sighs. "I'm surprised you came all the way up here with me."

  "Me too," I say with a short laugh.

  "I'm not coming up there!" Rae yells from below.

  "Sit here next to me," Eric tells her. "I brought our friend Jack."

  Nyelle moves her face close to mine and says so only I can hear her, "She's your best friend, huh?"

  "Yeah, she is," I reply, watching the light flicker in her eyes.

  "Do you miss her?" Nyelle asks, looking back up at the sky. I continue to watch her, struck by the hint of emotion in her voice.

  "I talk to her just about every day," I say. "But, yeah, I miss her."

  "I'd miss her too," she says in a whisper. I prop up on my elbow to look down at her. She glances away, swiping the corner of her eye.

  "Come down here with us!" Rae shouts up. "We brought the sparklers."

  "Ready to get off the top of the world?" I ask her, searching her eyes for the emotion that I thought I'd heard.

  Nyelle looks up at me and smiles. "Sure."

  Eric and Rae are seated on the platform with their legs dangling and arms hung over the middle crossbar, the bottle of Jack Daniel's set between them.

  I step down behind them next to Nyelle.

  Rae hands us each a sparkler, and Eric passes around the lighter. Each rod ignites in a shower of sparks. Nyelle waves hers around in the air, leaving behind a trail of smoke and the ghost of streaking light imprinted in the dark.

  Eric and Rae have some sort of sparkler sword fight with theirs. I lean over the railing and let the sparks rain below like fireflies being set free. The night echoes with laughter as Rae declares herself victor and Eric demands a rematch.

  Nyelle slides along the rail to stand beside me after our sparklers are extinguished, our arms brushing. She doesn't say anything. She just stands there staring out into the night. The stars are becoming brighter as the thin veil of clouds trails away. A light streaks across the sky.

  "Make a wish," I lean over and whisper. Nyelle closes her eyes, a slow smile emerging. I'm about to ask what she wants to do over again when her hand slips into mine and she threads our fingers together. Warmth rushes up my arm. I squeeze her hand lightly and take in the starlight reflecting in her eyes as she says quietly, "I wished for a butterfly."

  NICOLE

  September--Fifth Grade

  I'm nervous, and my hands feel sweaty. I'm more nervous than when I have to show my daddy I got less than a hundred on a test. I'm so nervous, my stomach hurts.

  I keep watching out the window until I see Cal running in from the soccer field after they make the first announcement recess is over.

  "Miss Hendricks, I'm going to go now, okay?" I've been helping her clean up the art room all recess.

  "Thank you for helping, Nicole," she says from the sink where she's rinsing out the paintbrushes. I grab the rolled-up paper with the blue ribbon tied around it and walk really fast to the doors where they come in from recess and stand to the side so everyone can pass me.

  I see Cal. His hair's all sticking up from running around. He has a grass stain on his elbow, probably from falling. And his glasses have slid down to the tip of his nose.

  I make sure he sees me and wave him over to underneath the stairs so people won't notice us.

  "Hi, Nicole. How come you weren't at recess?"

  "I was helping Miss Hendricks. And umm... I made this for you."

  He holds out his hand to accept it, and I almost don't let it go.

  "Don't look at it now, okay? I don't want anyone else to see it."

  "Okay," he says. "Thanks."

  My chest has the butterfly in it again.

  "What's that?" Richelle asks. I don't know where she came from, but she's pointing to the paper in Cal's hand.

  I can't say anything. The butterfly has turned into a hammer, and I press my lips together, wanting her to go away.

  "Nicole gave it to me," Cal says.

  "Can I see?" she asks, reaching for it.

  I want to tell her no. I want Cal to tell her no. He opens his mouth, and I hold my breath. But then she reaches out her hand and he lets her take it. I want to cry.

  Richelle unties the ribbon and lets it fall to the floor as she unrolls the paper. She looks at it for a long time. I can feel the tears building up in my eyes. She rolls it back up and gives it to Cal. She won't look at me. I know she's mad when she runs away.

  "Cal, I told you not to show it to anyone!" I yell at him. "Richelle! Please don't be mad." I run after her, but there's a teacher in the hall making sure we go to class.

  *

  After school, when my homework is finished, I sit outside on my front steps, waiting for Richelle to come out. I feel like I wait for a very long time.

  Finally, her door opens and she walks over to stand right in front of me.

  "My mom told me I need to express my feelings, so I don't hold things on the inside. And I want to tell you that you weren't a very good friend today. I told you I really like Cal. I told you I wanted him to be my boyfriend. And what you did wasn't very nice."

  I blink back the tears and squeeze my folded hands in my lap. "I'm sorry."

  "Nicole, did you kiss him?"

  I pick my head up. "No. I didn't. I swear. He's just my friend, Richelle. I promise. I didn't mean to make you mad."

  "You promise you just want to be friends with him?"

  "Yes," I answer, but it hurts my heart a little because I know that's not really true. I don't want Cal to be my boyfriend, because I don't want to kiss him. But I really did want to hold his hand again.

  "Okay. I don't want to be mad at you anymore," she finally says.

  "Good. I don't want you to be mad at me ever again," I respond, and I really mean it. "I promise that I will never like Cal more than a friend." This was the first fight I've ever had with Richelle, and it hurt so bad I don't ever want to feel this way again.

  Richelle sits next to me on the step and takes my hand. It doesn't give me the butterfly in my chest like when Cal holds it, but it does make me feel better--like the sun, all nice and warm.

  "Richelle, why isn't Cal your boyfriend like you wanted?"

  "You told me he said he wasn't ready to kiss a girl. He can't be my boyfriend until he wants to ki
ss me. But I want to be the first girl he ever kisses. And I don't want him to want to kiss another girl except me... ever."

  "Oh," I respond, my heart feeling a little heavy.

  "Let's go to my house," Richelle says, jumping up from the stairs and pulling me after her. "I have a surprise to show you."

  Chapter Nine

  "Why are you stopping here?" I ask when Brady pulls his Jeep up to the curb.

  "Dude, your house isn't that far. Get out," Brady demands. "I have to pick up Rae from Nina's. She needs rescuing, and you're too drunk to stand, so it's up to me to save her."

  "I can come--"

  "No. You need to go fall on your face in your bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

  Reluctantly, I get out of his Jeep.

  "Hey," Brady calls, getting my attention. "We fucking graduated!" he hollers with his fist in the air as he drives away. I laugh and watch him speed off down the street. My lids are heavy and everything is moving a little more slowly than it should. I concentrate on my steps along the sidewalk.

  There's a dinging in my head. I try to shake it out, but it keeps chiming. That's when I notice Mr. Bentley's Lincoln in the driveway with the door open. That's such an annoying noise.

  "You need to calm down." Mr. Bentley's low voice carries out of the house through the open window. "Getting this upset isn't going to make things better."

  "Don't touch me!" Nicole screams at him.

  I've stopped walking. I can't see anything from where I'm standing behind the car in the driveway. But it's hard for me to focus anyway. I sigh. "Overreacting just a little, Nicole," I mumble. "Kyle's a douche. You're better off without him."

  Who am I talking to? I shake my head. I'm about to start toward my house again when the sound of shattering glass turns me back around.

  I jolt awake with the echoes of breaking glass still in my head. Blinking, I slowly ease out of the night after graduation and return to the confines of the plane taking us back home for the holiday break.

  "You okay?" Rae asks, eyeing me carefully.

  "Yeah," I reply. The fragmented memory fades with the dream. I still don't know what really happened that night.

  Rae goes back to reading the issue of Rolling Stone spread on her tray table.

  I press my forehead against the window and watch the clouds pass below us. I grin, reminded of Nyelle. She disappeared again. We didn't see her after that night at the silo. I'd say I was used to it, but I'm not.

  "She kind of reminds me of Richelle," Rae says. "The way she gets excited about the dumbest things."