What If

by Rebecca Donovan

  I turn to find Nicole behind me. She looks like she's been crying--her eyes are red and puffy. "She didn't want this to happen. It's not like she had a choice or anything. So you can't be mad at her."

  "Then why are you upset?"

  Nicole doesn't answer. She wipes a tear off her cheek. "She wanted you to have this." She hands me a folded piece of paper and walks away.

  *

  "Are you going to mope all week?" Rae asks, sitting next to me on the leather couch in my uncle's office.

  "I'm not moping," I reply defensively, staring out the window.

  "You're afraid she's not going to be there when you get back, aren't you?"

  "Yeah." My voice is barely audible.

  "Why didn't you go after her when she walked out on you, Cal? Why did you let her leave like that? Especially after what she said about being Nicole."

  "No. She told me she wasn't, remember?" I haven't been able to get that pained look on her face out of my head.

  "But she also said, not anymore. Which means she's running away from something."

  "What was I supposed to say, Rae? Huh?" I demand, raising my voice. "I asked her not to leave. I..."

  "But you didn't ask her what happened to her," Rae argues back. "You didn't ask why she's not at Harvard, or home with her family, or why she's pretending her life before never happened. You didn't ask her anything, Cal! And now... she's probably gone, and if anything happens to her--"

  I stand up, cutting her off. I never told her how hard it was to watch Nyelle struggle with the memories of our childhood, like going back there was some form of torture.

  "We have to tell Maura," Rae states adamantly.

  "No." I glare at her.

  "Why are you being so stubborn?!" Rae yells in frustration.

  "Because I don't care!"

  Rae doesn't move. Anything she's about to say is frozen in her mouth.

  "Maybe I like her the way she is and don't care what happened to make her this way! Maybe I don't want to know."

  And I won't force her to remember if it's going to hurt her. I can't put her through that again.

  "What's going on?" my mother asks from the doorway. "What are you arguing about?"

  Rae stands up.

  "Rae," I say sternly. "Don't. You promised to give me a month."

  My mother looks from Rae to me, questioning.

  "You're being stupid, Cal," Rae snaps, walking past my mother out the door. "I need a drink."

  "Hey, you're not twenty-one yet, young lady," my mother calls to her over her shoulder. She turns to me. "What was that all about? Why are you driving Raelyn to drink?"

  I sit back down on the couch and run my hands over my face.

  "Cal?" my mother prods carefully. "Is this about that girl? The one you're going back to Crenshaw for tomorrow? What's her name anyway?"

  "Yeah," I respond, resting my head on the couch, staring at the ceiling. "Her name's Nyelle." My mother sits next me and sets a hand on my knee.

  "I know you never talk to me about girls. But I haven't seen you this upset over one since Richelle left when you were in eighth grade. So if you need to..."

  "It's okay," I tell her. "I'll be fine, Mom. Thanks."

  "Okay," she says, standing up. Before she reaches the door, she turns to face me. "You really care about this girl... Nyelle, don't you?"

  I let out a heavy breath. "Yeah. Since the first day I saw her."

  *

  Sean opens the office door two hours later. "Come on, GQ. We're playing football."

  I sit up on the couch.

  "No more being lame, man. Let's go," he demands.

  There's no arguing with Sean. He's used to getting his way. So I stand up and follow him out of the house.

  Sean messes up the hair on top of my head. "I like this new look, man. It's sexy as hell."

  I knock is hand away. "Shut up, Sean."

  "You get Cal," Devin declares. "He can't catch worth a damn."

  "Screw you," I argue, hopping down the steps, holding up a hand to my uncle Zac. He tosses a spiral right at me and I catch it, flipping my brother off.

  "Cal!" my mother scolds from the porch.

  Devin and Sean laugh at me for getting caught.

  "Rae, you gonna play?" Devin calls to her.

  "I'm all set," Rae says, sitting next to my mother and her sisters on the porch with Henley curled up at her feet. Her mother and Liam must've left while I was in the office.

  She refuses to make eye contact when I look at her. I hate it when she's pissed at me.

  "Hey, do you want to earn back some of that money you wasted changing your flights for a girl?" Zac asks when we stop for a water break. "You're never going to afford that custom drum kit for Rae if you keep spending the money you've saved for it."

  I look to the porch where Rae continues to glower at me with her arms crossed.

  "I'm heading back tomorrow," I tell him. "But I'll be here for spring break."

  "Well, if you change your mind, I could use your help in the garage. Custom orders have been picking up. I'll be away on a hiking trip next weekend, but I plan to be around other than that. You can bring the girl with you if you want."

  "Wouldn't that be spending even more money to fly the two of us out here?" I counter.

  "Well, I want to see this girl for myself," he admits. "I've never seen you like this before."

  "Like what?" I ask uncomfortably.

  "Hey! Are you playing? Or are you still crying over the girl who dumped you?" Devin calls to us. Zac looks to me and chuckles.

  I check to see that Mom's not looking before flipping him off again. Nothing's sacred in this family.

  *

  The game ended up being a good distraction. When I climb the porch steps after the guys, I'm sweaty and tired.

  I collapse on the rocking chair vacated by my mother moments before. Rae's still sitting there with her arms wrapped around her legs. I can't take her being upset with me.

  "Still mad at me?" I ask her.

  "No," she says quietly. "I still think you're being stupid, but I'm not mad at you."

  After a moment of rocking in silence, she asks, "Can I ask you something? And you can't give me some lame answer."

  "Okay."

  "Why'd you really go to Crenshaw? You were all set to go to UCLA. It was even listed on the college board in the office. What made you change your mind?"

  I take in the view of the tall evergreens surrounding the property, continuing to rock.

  "I don't really have a great answer. I accepted on an impulse. No other reason than that. But Richelle's why I applied in the first place," I confess.

  "Uh... what?"

  What I'm about to tell her isn't going to make sense, but she asked, so I'll tell her the truth.

  *

  "Hey," I say, answering the phone.

  "Hi," Richelle replies. "What are you doing?"

  "Nothing. Just watching basketball." I lean back on my pillow with my arm behind my head. "What are you doing?"

  "Watching paint dry."

  "Seriously?"

  "On my toes." I can hear the smile in her voice.

  "Funny."

  "How were the campuses you visited?"

  "Fine. Just like every other campus." I pick up the Nerf basketball and start tossing it in the air.

  "Still don't know where you want to go? This is our junior year. We're supposed to have some idea what we want to do with the rest of our lives," Richelle says mockingly.

  "Yeah, right. And I have so much life experience. How am I supposed to make a decision like that? It really doesn't matter where I go. What about you? Have you decided?"

  Richelle is quiet for a minute. "Going to any college sounds good to me. Except Harvard."

  I laugh. "Do you still talk to Nicole?" We haven't mentioned Nicole in a long time. It's hard, knowing Richelle's been able to stay friends with her, while she treats Rae and me like we don't exist.

  "Yeah. She had a ballet
recital in San Francisco last weekend."

  "Really? I didn't know she still danced."

  "You would if you talked to her."

  Now I wish I hadn't brought her up.

  "I know. I promised to let it go," she says when I stay quiet. "I just hate that you're not friends anymore."

  "Whatever," I reply. I'm not going to admit that I miss Nicole. Not when she hasn't even looked at me in three years. I'm not about to beg her to be friends with me again.

  "Let's pick a college, and we'll go there together," Richelle says pulling me out of my angry thoughts. "Pick any college. And if we both get in, and don't have a better option, then that's where we'll accept."

  I laugh. "Why not? Where are you thinking?"

  "Um... what teams are playing right now?"

  I look up at the TV on top of my dresser. "Memphis and Crenshaw."

  "Where's Crenshaw?"

  "New York. A little north of Ithaca and Cornell, I think."

  "Sounds good to me." She laughs. "Out in the middle of nowhere. I love it."

  "You're really going to apply?"

  "I promise."

  "All right. Let's do it." I know this is never going to happen. We'll end up somewhere local, most likely at completely different universities. But there's something about the randomness of it, doing something I never would have done, that made me agree.

  "Cal, you won't even send in an application."

  As soon as she challenges me, I'm committed to this ridiculous pact. And it's... liberating to do something for no other reason than just... because.

  "What if I do?"

  She laughs. "Then I guess I'll see you at Crenshaw."

  *

  "But Richelle didn't go to Crenshaw," Rae says, confused.

  "I know. When I accepted, I was hoping she'd be there," I reply. "I'm not sure where she ended up. She stopped talking to me not long after that."

  "You never told me what you did to make her stop talking to you."

  I shrug.

  "Did you ask her? Or did you just let her walk away, like you always do?"

  "I did try, Rae. But she never responded to anything I sent."

  I called Richelle and sent her texts and e-mails for weeks. She never responded, not once. And then I got too angry to keep trying. It pissed me off that she just blew me off like that, for no reason... at least not one that I understood.

  "You had to have done something."

  "Then I have no idea what it was. Did you ever hear from her?"

  "We communicated through you, remember? We were friends, but it wasn't like the two of you. She was fricken in love with you even when we were little kids."

  "No, she wasn't," I scoff.

  "Are you serious?" Rae counters, sitting up to gawk at me. "Yes, she was. How could you not know?"

  "Umm... the letter made it pretty clear she wasn't," I countered, still feeling the burn of rejection, even after all this time.

  "What letter?"

  "The one she had Nicole give me after she moved, breaking up with me," I explain. It was bad enough not knowing she was moving until after she already left, but then to have her break up with me in a stupid letter was even worse. I have no idea why I kept it.

  "Oh. That letter. You changed after she left, you know," Rae says, recalling the worst summer of my life.

  "We don't need to talk about it."

  "We never did then either," Rae says. "You just shut down and refused to talk to anyone for, like, a week."

  "Seriously. Let's not go there, Rae," I reply. I know we were just in middle school, but I lost my girlfriend and best friend that day. It took a while to recover... or maybe I never did.

  "Whatever she said in the letter couldn't have been that bad. I mean, you became friends again," Rae continues, ignoring me.

  "We should have just stayed friends," I mumble, resting my head on the back of the rocking chair. "It wasn't the same after. We never even saw each other again. So I'm pretty sure she wasn't in love with me."

  "Trust me, she was. She probably just knew it would never work. I mean a long-distance relationship when you're thirteen is pretty pointless." Rae sighs and hugs her knees to her chest. "You have no clue how girls think."

  "I'm not going to argue with you on that," I admit.

  We don't say anything for a minute, silently rocking. Then Rae's mouth rounds as if struck by a sudden epiphany. "You said something to her about a girl, didn't you?"

  "When?" I'm trying to follow her girl-speak, but can't.

  "When she stopped talking to you. You told her about some girl. I know it."

  I try to think back. It seems so long ago now.

  "Oh," I breathe.

  "What?"

  "Lily. I told her about Lily," I say, recalling how quiet she was after I confessed what a disaster my first time was.

  "You're such an idiot," Rae says, shaking her head. "You don't tell the girl who's in love with you about losing your virginity to another girl!"

  "She was one of my best friends! I told you," I reply.

  Rae rolls her eyes. "You're so clueless. No wonder you can't stay in a relationship longer than a month."

  "You really think Lily's the reason she stopped talking to me?" I ask, still skeptical.

  "Definitely." Rae lets out a quick laugh. "You should try calling her. It's not too late, you know. And if she stayed friends with Nicole, she might know what happened to her."

  "I'm not sure she'll talk to me now. It's been, like, three years."

  "What do you have to lose?"

  She has a point. I already lost her once. What's the worst that can happen? "I'll call her later, if I can get a signal out here."

  *

  Reception in the middle of the Oregon woods is sketchy. There isn't a need for a cell tower for the hundred or so recluses who prefer nature to civilization, my uncle included.

  I still have Richelle's cell phone programmed in my phone. So I find the spot where it flashes two bars and try to call her.

  "Hey. This is Richelle. I'm not around right now. So leave a message and I'll call you back if I want to talk to you."

  The sound of her voice brings back an onslaught of memories. I've missed her, and it took hearing her voice again to realize just how much.

  "Uh, hey, Richelle. It's Cal. I know it's been a while. And I'm sorry I haven't called. Was wondering how you are and where you ended up going to college. I'm at Crenshaw. Bet you didn't expect that, did you? Anyway, you have my number. Hope you'll call me back."

  NICOLE

  September--Freshman Year of High School

  "How's high school?" Richelle asks when I enter her room.

  "Stupid," I mumble, sitting on the beanbag chair in the corner. "It's all about what you wear. Who you talk to. Who likes you. It's stupid."

  Richelle laughs. "It can't be that bad."

  "I don't even want to talk to anyone. It's exhausting," I say with a groan. "Besides, Ashley, Vi and Heather talk more than enough, so I doubt anyone would ever notice if I didn't."

  "You never used to talk before anyway." Then her brown eyes light up. "You can be the mysterious hot girl who never speaks." Richelle says it in a seductive voice, grinning.

  I know she's trying to make me feel better. But I really do hate high school. There's so much... judgment.

  "Who cares," she throws out there when I try to smile but fail. "Don't talk. Watch. You'll become the most popular girl in school without ever saying a word."

  "Seriously?" I have to smile at that one.

  "People are stupid," she notes matter-of-factly. "Example. Look who you're forcing yourself to hang out with. Those girls don't have a brain cell between them."

  I laugh, and she smiles in return.

  "You have no idea," I say, still smiling. "I honestly have to tune them out most of the time and just nod my head so they think I'm paying attention."

  "I wish you were brave enough to dump them. I know you don't want to upset your parents, but those gi
rls are..." Richelle huffs in exasperation. We've gone over this before, many times.

  She continues. "As I was saying, people are dumb and superficial. You are those girls' beacon to anything with a penis."

  "Richelle!" I gawk.

  "You know what I mean. You're gorgeous. Guys flock to you, which means guys flock to them. They win by default."

  "That's so sad when you say it like that." I shake my head, cringing.

  Richelle and I don't really talk about it, but she knows I don't see myself like everyone else does. I'm a package, wrapped up nice and neat by my parents. Filled with expectations of perfection--from my hair, to my teeth, to my perfectly pressed clothes. There is nothing real about the person I present to the world, and so I don't see anything but a mirage when I look in the mirror. The way I look is as fake as I feel.

  No one has any idea who I am under the perfect bow tied in my hair. Except Richelle.

  "I wish I could be there to watch you silently rule the school."

  "I wish you were there too," I sigh. "You're the only real friend I have."

  "Same here." Richelle grins.

  "So, we'll have to get through high school together, even if we're apart," I declare.

  Richelle is quiet. She looks down at her hands.

  "Don't do that," I tell her. "It'll be fine. You have to believe that eventually you'll come back to Renfield. Besides, I already started our list for after graduation."

  "You did?" she asks, perking up. "What's the first thing on it?"

  "Spending the summer backpacking through Europe."

  "Your parents will never let you," Richelle says with a laugh.

  "Actually, Harvard encourages students to spend their first year abroad, to experience the world. They'll think it's a great idea, trust me."

  "Then let's spend a whole year doing it, instead of just the summer. We'll travel around the world. When else will we be able to take an entire year off?"

  "True. I'll change it." I take the lined yellow paper out of my purse and cross out "for the summer" and add "for a year."

  "Let me see it," Richelle requests, holding out her hand.

  I stand up and join her on her bed, handing her the paper.

  Richelle reads off, "Travel around the world for a year. Take a hot air balloon ride. Help someone who doesn't want to be helped." She looks at me and smiles. "I like that." She pauses, then says, "Ooh. Then let's do this."

  She takes the pen and writes, "Help kids remember they're kids even when their lives suck."

  This squeezes my heart... in a good way.

  She starts reading out loud again. "Fall in love." Then she writes "with Cal" in parenthesis. And adds, "Lose virginity to Cal."