The Sinner

by Emma Scott

  “We all do,” I said. “We all have little voices in our heads that tell us bad stuff is a good idea. I used to think there was something wrong with me. Like my own brain had become a bully and turned against me. But those voices are not the real you and they have no actual control. You have the power to ignore them until they just become noise.” I smiled. “I’m not saying it’s easy but maybe if we ignore them long enough, they’ll disappear altogether.”

  “That would be really nice,” Abby said and sniffed. “God, you are being so nice to me when I don’t deserve it. Because you’re a good person.” She huffed a shaky breath. “I’m quitting Ocean Alliance.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “Yeah, I do. I only signed on because my parents have more money than God and threatened to cut me off if I didn’t contribute to the world in some meaningful way. Working here fit the bill but it’s not my style and—clearly—I have too much time on my hands.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  She wiped mascara from under her eyes. “I’m going to do something I want to do. I’ll get my own place and pay my own rent. Get a roommate and struggle for a little while. But who cares? Lucy, I don’t expect you to forgive me, and you definitely don’t need to take advice from me but don’t let my stupid video mess things up for you and Guy. God, I hope it didn’t. Because you deserve to be happy.”

  I managed a tight smile. “It didn’t mess anything up, I promise.”

  She threw her arms around me in a short hug. “Thanks, Luce. And I think your shoe idea is really good. It’s going to make a real impact.”

  I waited a few more minutes after she was gone, then headed out. Coworkers congratulated me, and Jana—on the phone at her desk—waved at me like she wanted to talk but I couldn’t stay in the office another second. Tomorrow, I’d return and get back to work, but I was going to take the rest of the afternoon off.

  Outside, I hunched against the rain—the storm had arrived in full force. In all my turmoil over Casziel, I’d forgotten a raincoat, and my dress and cardigan were soaked instantly. I should’ve called an Uber, but my thoughts were scattered, my chest feeling hollow and carved out. They say what does not kill you makes you stronger, but I just felt numb.

  Go back to your little life…

  Deber was relentless, but even out there on the deserted streets, soaked to the bone, I knew there was no going back to my little life. I wasn’t the same person I was ten days ago. I didn’t know who I was. Lost in a kind of purgatory with no idea what lay ahead. The pride of giving my presentation had already drained out and all I wanted was to get to my place, take a hot shower, and dive into a romance novel. Because I enjoyed reading them.

  There didn’t need to be any other reason.

  My head full of these thoughts, I stepped off the curb.

  Too late, I saw the splash of headlights against the rain-washed street.

  Too late, I heard the horn and the screech of tires that weren’t going to catch in time on the slick pavement.

  I exhaled my last breath. “Casziel…”

  A heavy weight crashed into me, tackling me from the side, and I was flying. I felt the wind of the truck at my ankles while staring into black eyes. Strong arms—and wings—were wrapped around me. Cas twisted midair and hit the ground on his back, cradling me and taking the brunt of the hit. He rolled so my back was on the asphalt, and his immense body was shielding me from the rain. From the world.

  I stared into his face—bloodless white with black pits for eyes. The cold dread emanating from them was defeated by the love in my heart that swelled until I thought it would burst.

  Because he’s mine and I’m his. Always.

  I traced the line of his jaw, the rainwater running in rivulets down the sharp contours of his cheekbones, off his full lips.

  “Li’ili,” he said, his voice gruff.

  I cupped his face in both hands. I was staring too long; his eyes were drawing me down, but I couldn’t look away. Not yet.

  “Say it,” I whispered just as the dark consumed me.

  “My wife…”

  Twenty-One

  The apartment was dark, and the storm raged outside the windows. I sat up in my bed, shivering in damp clothes. Casziel was at the window, hard and still. A statue in the dark, standing guard. His vigilance was written in every tense line of his body. Lightning flashed, illuminating his sleek, black wings.

  “Casziel,” I said softly.

  His shoulders hunched, wings lifting slightly. “Ashtaroth is getting bold. I won’t let him hurt you, Lucy.” He scoffed. “More than he has.”

  “He possessed Guy,” I said, slipping off the bed. “To ask me to go to Sri Lanka. Why would he do that?”

  Casziel’s jaw tightened. “To drive you blindly into a street in a rainstorm, hopeless and alone. To lure you with all the same fiendish promises he made me.” He turned his black gaze to me. “He was waiting for you on the Other Side, Lucy, ready to catch you as you fell.”

  “You did your part to make me feel hopeless,” I said, moving closer. “What you said at the wedding…”

  He flinched as if I’d whipped him, his voice ragged. “Gods, forgive me, Lucy. It broke my soul to wound you. Ashtaroth wants you any way he can have you. I was terrified you’d make an unspeakable bargain. For me.”

  A small cry choked out of me as Casziel whirled with sudden fury, his wings flaring like night and his eyes emanating cold. He gripped my shoulders, fingers digging in. “You must not listen to him, Lucy. There is nothing you can do. No bargain you can make. You can’t save me. Do you understand? You cannot save me.”

  The sucking pull of his black gaze was making me weak. My lips parted but no sound came out but a little whimper. He let me go with a curse and then turned away, crossing his arms tight as if to keep from touching me.

  “So that’s it?” I asked, hugging my elbows. “In a few hours it’s just…over?”

  Tears of frustration threatened. Worse than frustration. I was losing him. The minutes were ticking away, his departure yawning like a black chasm, and I was falling in.

  “What about all that stuff with Guy?” I demanded. “More lies? If it can’t save you, what was it all for?”

  “For you, Lucy. Your happiness. That was no lie. I want your happiness more than I want my next breath. But your kindness was an obstacle. The only way to help you was to let you think you were helping me.”

  “So you tried to pawn me off on another man? I don’t want to love someone else. I can’t.”

  “But you have to.”

  “Why? Because you’re going back to Ashtaroth forever?”

  He didn’t answer, his jaw tight.

  “You should have told me the truth. Let me decide for myself.”

  “Maybe so,” he admitted. “It was a farce from the beginning. I’ve loved you too long and too hard to give you up. But I tried. For your sake and mine, I tried.”

  Tears brimmed again. How long had I waited to hear a man tell me that I was loved?

  Not any man. This man. I’ve been waiting for him, my husband.

  “I’m not giving you up,” I said fiercely. “Now that I finally have you back—”

  He shook his head. “There is no hope for me, Lucy. You have to let me go. I should make you forget. Erase all this horror—”

  “Don’t you dare!” I cried. “I’m done forgetting. You’ve given me no say in my own life—”

  “To protect you,” he retorted. “To leave you with something more than dreams. Something real.”

  “With Guy? What’s real is what I feel for you, Casziel. I love—”

  “Don’t say it. You can’t love me. Not like this. Not when even looking into my eyes is dangerous—”

  “You are not my bodyguard!” I cried, and thunder boomed outside the window. I turned Cas to face me, muscled arms crossed tight, his hands in fists. “Do you know what happened this afternoon on that street? I wasn’t calling for help. I didn’t summon
you. I had seconds to live—less than that—and I said your name because my entire being was filled only with you.” I tugged at his arms, forcing my stubborn man to let me in. He kept his gaze over my head as I pressed myself against the hard wall of his chest. “What I feel for you is real, Casziel, and the only thing that scares me is losing you again.”

  “Lucy…”

  “I don’t need rescuing. I need you.”

  I laid my hand on his arm; it looked so small on the bulge of his bicep. He towered over me, tall and imposing. A beast of darkness, smelling of old leather, heated metal, blood and ash. I closed my eyes and rested my cheek against his arm. His pale skin was hot and cold, burning with the fires of hell and the bloodlessness of death. His feathered wing brushed my cheek.

  My touch softened him; his big strong body shuddered at my words, and he heaved a sigh. When he let it out, his arms—and wings—went around me, and we held each other for the first time in so many long years. Tears seeped beneath closed lids as I settled into his embrace, a perfect fit, safe and secure because this is where I belonged.

  “I’m sorry, beloved,” he said, his mouth against my hair. “For bringing darkness to you. For the horrible things I said. For making you feel less than you are, when you are everything to me, Li’ili. My wife. My life…”

  “I’m not sorry for one minute of it,” I said. “I fell in love with you twice—four thousand years ago and again, ten days ago. But that’s not true, either. I’ve never fallen out of love with you.”

  “Nor have I.”

  “That has to count. It has to.”

  His chest rose and fell against my cheek in a heavy sigh. “I’ve loved you for a hundred lifetimes, Lucy. If it could’ve saved me, it would’ve done so by now.”

  “I don’t believe that. Love is stronger than anything. I feel it in you. How can there be nothing left if we’re here right now?”

  “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I’m afraid to hope…”

  “I’m not.” I pressed a kiss to his heart. His throat. His chin, seeking his lips. “Just love me, Casziel…”

  His body tensed as my mouth found his in a trembling, feather light touch. He made a growling sound—barely restrained need that snapped all at once. Cas crashed his mouth to mine, his tongue invading, teeth biting my lips, then sucking them, leaving no part of my mouth unexplored. The taste of him was metallic and electric, lighting me up from inside.

  I kept my eyes shut as the cold fire of his demonic form seeped into me. I wasn’t afraid; I surrendered to it. Sensations I hadn’t known existed were unspooling in me—the hottest desire tinged with a chill of fear. Every part of me on fire while shivers danced down my skin. This kiss…otherworldly and ethereal. A fever dream I didn’t want to wake from.

  But Casziel wrenched his mouth from mine, leaving me breathless and bereft.

  “We can’t,” he groaned. “Ashtaroth is strongest at night. I can’t face him in my human form. Not yet.”

  “Not yet…?”

  “When the dawn comes, I’ll take you to bed.” Casziel’s tone became thick and heated. “I’ve waited centuries to feel you again. I can wait a few more hours.”

  “No.” I took his face in my hands, staring directly into the dead black of his gaze. “We only have a few hours left. I want them all. I don’t want to wait.”

  “My brave woman,” he said and kissed my eyes closed. “There is a hell in me, Lucy. Look into my eyes long enough and you will see your death.”

  “I want to see it. Our last night.”

  “Lucy, no—”

  “You’re doing it again.” I pressed myself into him, tilting my chin, blindly seeking his mouth. “Trying to protect me. From that night. From your touch. I want you to touch me.”

  “Gods, woman. You don’t know what you’re asking,” he said gruffly into the small, heated space between us. “It wouldn’t be what it is with a human. I am distinctly inhuman.”

  “Would you hurt me?”

  “Never. But gods, you’re an angel, to take me in this body.”

  “I want to,” I said, even as my heart hammered against my ribs. “You are this way because you loved me. Besides…” I smiled, my own boldness shocking and thrilling me as I slipped my hand down to the immense erection straining against his pants. “Maybe I’m not as pure as you think.”

  His eyes flared and he captured my mouth in a searing kiss. The sensations—hot and cold, fire and ice—rushed back in. His kiss devoured me, raw and feral. Overwhelming.

  And this is just kissing.

  A twinge of apprehension shuddered through me but was burned up in the need that electrified my every molecule, calling out for his skin on mine, his mouth and hands on my body, him inside me…

  Just the thought made me dizzy.

  He carried me to the bed, kissing me hard and working fast to strip me out of my clothes. The cardigan fell to the floor and then he pulled my dress over my head, leaving my curves on full display, my breasts spilling from my bra. I knew a moment of uncertainty, self-conscious that there was more of my body than he wanted.

  But Casziel licked his lips, his hungry gaze grazing over me as if he didn’t know where to feast first.

  “Gods have mercy,” he breathed. “I’ve dreamed of having you. Every night for years. Every lifetime, wanting to kiss and touch and fuck you until I was nearly mad.”

  And just like that, my self-consciousness burned up like a dried leaf.

  I removed the last of my clothes and lay on the bed, stretched out and waiting. “Come here,” I said, my voice trembling at the edges.

  “Close your eyes, Lucy, and keep them closed. No matter what happens.”

  I nodded and did as he asked. The demonic despair lessened but I’d never felt more vulnerable in the dark, with a storm raging outside and the rustle of wings over me. The bed dipped with Casziel’s weight as he moved into the circle of my arms, heavy and hard on top of me. My pulse thundered while want and nervousness twined together and danced along my skin.

  I felt him place a kiss to the hollow of my throat, his hair tickling my chin.

  “Lucy, your heart…”

  “Is yours,” I said, pulling him closer. “I want this. I want you.”

  “You’re certain?”

  “I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”

  The weight of his body on mine was solid and real, everything I’d been yearning for. It slowed my crashing pulse and blanketed me with the solidity of him. This was real. He was real and not a dream. This wasn’t someone else’s story but ours. His and mine.

  “If you need to stop, we stop,” Casziel said, his lips brushing, tongue flickering, sending icy hot licks down my throat and chest, hardening my nipples. “You tell me if it’s too much.”

  It was already too much and not enough. A rush of adrenaline-laced lust was flooding me, every particle of my being wanting him. Needing to feel him at long last. I couldn’t remember all of us, but I felt every minute of the long centuries when I didn’t have him. My body deprived of him.

  “Hurry,” I whimpered. Begged. “I want…”

  “You want me to fuck you,” Casziel growled, breath hot against my skin. His tone was no longer refined but rough and raw. He put his mouth to one heavy, aching breast and sucked. “You want me to take this luscious body, don’t you, Lucy? You want me to sink my cock into your tight flesh and fuck you hard. And I will because you’re mine.”

  I moaned, his possessive words filling me with a heat I’d never known. Lust and love. Surrender and desire. I was in his hands completely; he could do with me what he wanted because what he wanted, I wanted too.

  Him, inside me…

  I arched myself wantonly against his hips. He was naked now—all hard muscle, smooth skin, and his heavy erection pressing between my thighs. He was impossibly huge, the head of his cock sliding against my slick entrance. The urge to open my eyes was both tantalizing and frightening.

  “Eyes closed,” he gritt
ed out, moving back up to my mouth. “My Li’ili. My beloved…”

  He kissed me with his unearthly cold fire that electrified my nerve endings until I was panting, then moved upright to kneel on the bed, taking me with him. My legs went around his waist, and he slid into me with one swift thrust.

  I sucked in a breath and then choked as it caught in my throat. Every part of me was suddenly too small. Too tight. Too filled with him. His mouth was everywhere. He had a dozen hands, caressing, stroking, pinching. And his cock… I was filled completely in every way a man can fill a woman, all at once. My hands scrabbled at his back, powerful muscles moving underneath smooth skin and the brush of his wings…

  “Oh my God,” I whimpered. “Oh my God…”

  “Li’ili,” he said, tightly. “Gods above, you are everything. Everything…”

  I had no breath to speak. I could only clutch him around the neck, dizzy with the sensation of him inside me at long last. In the dark of pure sensation, I was reduced to mindless desire, my thoughts breaking apart, every part of me filled with him.

  “H-how are you doing this to me?”

  But I already knew.

  Possession.

  Casziel possessed me in every sense of the word. Every touch went beyond physical—hands and mouths everywhere, all of him touching all of me, inside and out. He was in my body, my heart, my soul…

  “Tell me if it’s too much,” he said against my lips.

  It was too much. I could hardly contain him. I was stretched to breaking, filled with him so completely and overwhelmed with sensation…and I wouldn’t give him up for anything.

  Beneath the fullness, the intensity, there was pleasure. A molten pool of it, miles deep. Casziel lit my skin wherever we touched, his mouth taking mine with possessive need, our bodies moving in perfect tandem. I rode his cock with abandon, feeling wild and reckless, even locked in his embrace. His arms held me tight, leaving no space, while mine were wrapped around his perfect back. The muscles slid and moved under my touch, the skin hot and flawless.

  I let my hands venture. Tentatively. Daring them to find the impossible. I gasped into his mouth when I touched the hard junction where his wings met his shoulder blades. I explored further, my hands feeling the strong shape of one wing, the arch of bone covered in soft, glossy feathers. He never stopped taking me, making me ride him, while I was lost in the delirium of all that he was. The impossibility of him.