Finding You

by Kelly Elliott

  “She’s gone, Meg. She’s gone.”

  Meagan held onto me tightly as she whispered, “Shh, it’s okay, Grace. She’s in a better place. There’s no more pain.”

  Feeling my legs wanting to give out, I fought with all my might to stay standing. “I’m scared for, Noah. I’m so scared for him.”

  Meagan continued to talk me down from the ledge I was walking on. When I finally pulled back, I didn’t have any tears left to cry.

  “Better?” she asked.

  Nodding my head, I wiped my face clear of tears. “Damn, you always did have good timing.”

  Meagan shrugged. “What can I say? It’s a gift some of us have. Remember the time I busted into the bathroom right before Drake the mistake almost gave you your first hickey?”

  Laughing, I nodded my head. “Yes. I do remember that.”

  Meagan looked over my shoulder. Dropping her mouth open, she said, “Holy strip me out of my clothes and take me now.”

  Looking back over my shoulder, I saw Grayson standing on the porch. Lifting his hand, he gave a weak smile. “You okay, Grace?”

  Barely lifting my hand, I nodded. “Yeah. Sorry, I’ll be right in.”

  Grayson nodded and then looked at Meagan. Something passed over his face, but he turned before I could read it. Glancing back at Meagan, I watched as she stared after Grayson.

  “Fuck. Me.”

  “You wish he would,” I said with a snicker.

  Meagan snapped her head back at me and said, “That’s the stripper! The guy who Lauren had wrapped around her finger in Durango.”

  Widening my eyes, I said, “Have I not told you about Grayson?”

  Meagan’s mouth dropped open as her hands moved to her hips. “Um, no. But considering the circumstances, I’ll let it slide and you can tell me later. There are more important things to deal with rather than the fact that I just found my next mistake.”

  Laughing, I wrapped my arm around Meagan’s waist. “Your luggage?”

  Meagan motioned for me to walk toward the house. “It can wait. Noah’s going to need you; here come the folks to take his mother’s body.”

  Looking down the street, I saw the black hearse pulling up and my stomach instantly recoiled and felt sick.

  Meagan guided me back into the house as I softly spoke, “Noah.”

  Noah

  Numb.

  My body felt numb.

  But I was relaxed beyond belief as I searched for my seat. Grayson had flown in and was planning on staying with us over the Christmas holidays. He walked beside me as we headed toward the front door of the house Grace grew up in.

  The Valium I popped on the way here would help me get through today. It would be the first time I was seeing Grace’s parents, Jeff and Ari again. They had made it known they were not happy about Grace moving in with me.

  The front door opened and Alex walked out. I could see the pity etched on her face and I hated it.

  “Holy shit. She’s prego,” Grayson said with a chuckle.

  Alex walked up to me and gave me a hug. “Hey, Noah. I’m so glad you’re here.”

  Smiling, I glanced down to her stomach and shook my head. “March is getting closer, Alex.”

  Laughing, she nodded her head. “Tell me about it. Thank goodness I’m graduated and back home now.”

  Nodding my head, I looked over her shoulder and saw the love of my life standing there. And behind her, was her father.

  “Noah,” Grace said as she made her way down to me. I prayed like hell she wouldn’t be able to tell I had drugged myself up to make it through this day. Grace had been splitting her time between Mason and Austin. I’d gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that I took pills to keep me calm and pills to help me sleep.

  Smiling, I got ready for her to jump into my arms. Catching her when she did, I spun her around as I whispered in her ear, “I fucking missed you.”

  “It’s been two days.” She giggled in my ear.

  It had been the longest two days of my life. Grayson was staying with me for the whole month of December and the fucker watched me like a hawk. At least he let me get drunk with him last night.

  Grace pulled her head back and stared at me.

  Fuck.

  Smiling, I tilted my head and said, “You forget what I looked like?”

  Her smile faded some as she peeked over to Grayson. “What did y’all do last night?” Grace asked as she stared at Grayson.

  Leaning forward, Grayson said, “We got drunk and I got laid.”

  “Uh-huh. Sounds like that was a fun time.”

  “Not really,” Grayson said with a shrug. “My hand doesn’t really count.”

  Grace’s face coiled up as she said, “Ugh, you sick bastard. I didn’t need that visual.”

  A smirk quickly grew across Grace’s face. “Guess who is here?”

  Grayson yawned like he was bored already. “The whole gang from Durango?”

  “Yep. Even Meg. Seems like she perked up a little when she found out you were in town. Want to explain?” Grace asked as she crossed her arms in front of her and raised her eyebrow.

  Grayson tossed his head back and laughed with a roar.

  Grace and I both stared at Grayson. The way he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Meagan last month didn’t slip by anyone. Even me, and I was consumed by my mother’s death.

  Thinking about my mother was slowly bringing the pain back to the surface. I needed to push it back down and fast. Pulling my eyes from Grayson, I focused on Jeff.

  Smiling at him, I made my way up the stairs and held out my hand. “Good afternoon, Jeff. Thank you for inviting us to stay with y’all.”

  Jeff looked me over before he let his eyes settle into mine. I wasn’t sure how long we stood there and stared at each other before Ari cleared her throat.

  Looking over at her, I smiled and said, “It’s a pleasure seeing you again, Ari.”

  Walking up to me, Ari gave me a soft kiss on my cheek. “The pleasure is all mine, Noah. Come on in, I want to introduce you to everyone.”

  Taking in a deep breath, I glanced back to Jeff who smiled and motioned for me to follow Ari. Grace was next to me as we walked into the house. Alex was walking behind us talking to Grayson. It seems she was filling him in on Lauren and Colt.

  As we made our way through the house, Ari pointed out the guest bathroom and where to get water, soda or beer if I needed one.

  The moment the back screen door opened and we all stepped outside; everyone turned and looked at me. I felt like the new kid in class as all eyes fell upon me. Holy shit, there are a lot of fucking people here. My heart began to race, and I prayed like hell I wouldn’t have a panic attack.

  It didn’t take long for Ari to start with the introductions.

  “Noah, this is my father and mother, Mark and Susan.”

  Smiling the moment I saw Mark, I said, “Mark, it’s great seeing you again so soon.”

  Everyone froze. Including Grace.

  “W-what? When did you meet my grandfather?”

  Risking a chance to look over at Jeff, I quickly turned back to Grace. “We met a few weeks ago over dinner.”

  Mark smiled and said, “You’ve got a good catch here, Grace Hope. This young man called me up and told me he wanted to talk to me about the house. Imagine my surprise when he handed me a check for the cost of the house, plus interest.”

  Grace’s mouth dropped open as she looked at me. “Noah. How?”

  I didn’t really want to tell Grace I had used my mother’s life insurance policy to pay her grandfather back, so I winked and said, “I’ll tell you later. By the way, your grandfather told me how you used the money they had set aside for you.”

  The feel of Jeff’s eyes on me caused me to glance over in his direction again. Taking a sip of his beer, he smiled and gave me a head nod. I was hoping like hell I had gained some respect from him by paying back Grace’s grandfather.

  The rest of the afternoon was spent meeting and talking to ever
yone. I sat and talked to Gramps a lot. We talked mostly about the cattle business that his grandson, Gunner, and Jeff, now ran. It didn’t take long for Gunner, Jeff, Will and Luke to start asking me questions about business plans, marketing tools and other things to make a business run smooth. Surely they didn’t need my opinions, after all, they were running a multi-million dollar cattle business, on top of a breeding business.

  Jeff sat back and took all of it in, while Gunner hit me with question after question. Especially when he found out I had a minor in finance. “So you don’t agree with paying off the equipment ahead of time? Explain why you think like that?” Gunner asked.

  Shrugging my shoulders, I said, “Well, look at it like this. You hold a very low interest rate on those two loans. Why would you want to take your cash and pay them off, when you could invest it in a CD? Carrying some debt is not bad.”

  Jeff nodded and looked at Gunner. Grace walked up to me and smiled as she sat down next to me. “Are you talking numbers and all that shit?”

  “Grace Hope,” Jeff said as he furrowed his brows at her.

  Laughing, Grace shook head and said, “Daddy, please. Don’t act like you have virgin ears. For goodness’ sake, look at your damn T-shirt.”

  Glancing down, it was then I noticed what it said. The bright-yellow arrow pointed down and the shirt read:

  You know you’re curious.

  Jeff looked at his shirt and said, “What? There is nothing wrong with this shirt.”

  Letting out a chuckle, I looked at Grace who made a face at her father. “Really, Dad?”

  Jeff smiled and winked at me as he finished off his beer. Standing up, he motioned for me to follow. “Walk with me, son. It’s time to bond and all that shit.”

  Twenty minutes later, I was on horseback following Jeff down a trail. I quickly came up with scenarios of how I could escape if he turned a gun on me. Thank God my parents put me on a horse when I was young and I learned to ride.

  “So, you’re in love with my daughter?” Jeff asked as we rode side by side in an open field.

  Seeing Grace’s face pop into my head, I smiled. “Yes, sir. I think I was in love with her the first time I ever saw her.”

  Letting out a gruff laugh, Jeff looked over at me. “She looks like her mother . . . thank God.”

  Nodding in agreement, I agreed. “Yes, she very much does.”

  Shaking his head, Jeff expelled a quick breath. “Damn, the first time I met Ari I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss her or knock her silly.”

  Pulling my head back in surprise, I asked, “Really?”

  “Oh yeah. She’s hard headed, opinionated like you wouldn’t believe, a mouth that would make a sailor blush, and a smile that made my knees feel like they could no longer hold up my body.”

  Laughing, I looked straight ahead. “Sort of sounds like your daughter.”

  “Oh hell, son, you don’t need to tell me. Try living with both of them in the same house. Poor Luke and I went on our fair share of fishing and hunting trips. Just to catch a break from the two of them.”

  “Sounds brutal,” I said as I looked straight ahead. A memory of my mother and Emily standing in the kitchen bitching at me for drinking from the milk carton flooded my mind.

  Jeff and I rode along for a few minutes in silence. I could hear the river in the distance and I knew we were getting closer.

  Jeff walked his horse up to a tree and jumped off. Following his lead, I did the same.

  “Don’t worry about them. They’ll just graze on the grass. Follow me; I want to show you something, Noah.”

  Doing as he asked, I draped the reins over the horses shoulder and followed Jeff toward the water. There was a giant rock that was set back about fifteen feet from the water. Jeff walked over to it and jumped up on it. It was large enough for at least four men to stand up there.

  Figuring he wanted me to follow, I climbed up and stood next to him. The view was amazing.

  “Wow,” I whispered as I watched the river meander along its path.

  “When I was about your age, I lost my mother, but not like how you lost your mother. Actually, I lost my mother a number of years before that.”

  Turning to look at him, I asked, “How did you lose her?”

  Jeff continued to look out over the water as it rushed over rocks. “Alcohol. My father left my mother when my sister, Ellie, and I were young. My mother couldn’t handle it and turned to drinking to hide the pain. The problem was, no amount of drinking . . . or drugs . . . could numb the pain.”

  My head snapped over to Jeff as our eyes met. “No sir, it cannot. I turned to alcohol when my mother’s cancer came back. Spent a number of nights drowning my sorrow in it.”

  Not taking his eyes off of me, Jeff asked, “And what made you stop?”

  “Grace. Even though we weren’t together at the time, I knew she would have been disappointed in me.”

  Letting a small smile play across his lips, Jeff nodded and looked back over the river. “Love will do that. Save you from the deepest depths of sorrow and pain.”

  Nodding in agreement, I felt my heart squeeze in my stomach. I was not going to hurt Grace. No matter how much I wanted the pills, I wouldn’t put Grace through that.

  “What if, you find yourself slipping back down the hole? Even with love there to pull you back?” I asked.

  Jeff turned and faced me. “You fight.”

  “And if you don’t feel like you have the strength?”

  Slowly shaking his head, Jeff’s eyes turned sad. “You always have the strength, Noah. You just need to know where to look for it. That’s the first step.”

  “The second step?” I asked.

  Not taking his eyes from mine, Jeff said, “Stop depending on the pills. It’s a weakness. Not a strength.”

  My entire world stopped as a shiver ran across my entire body. The only thing I could hear was my own breathing and the sound of the water rushing along. In that moment I felt like the river, flowing downstream into the unknown. There was only one question I needed to find the answer to.

  Was there a place I was running to . . . or running from? I either ran to Grace . . . or the pills. My pain was pulling me under—she was my only saving grace. It was time to make a decision and I knew exactly where it would lead me.

  To Grace.

  Grace

  When Daddy and Noah took off for a ride, I couldn’t stop thinking about what they were talking about. Was Daddy being mean? Were they maybe bonding? Was Noah going to be okay alone with my father?

  Alex walked up to me and handed me my old worn out gardening gloves as she gave me a wink. As we walked through the garden with our arms laced through Gram’s, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of calm come over me. I loved getting my hands in the dirt. Emma motioned for us to get to work as she took a seat.

  Laughing, I said, “There’s nothing to do, Emma. Nothing needs picking and my mother has this garden so well taken care of there isn’t a weed to be found.”

  Tilting her head, she stared into my eyes. “Dig.”

  Pinching my eyebrows together, I repeated what she said, “Dig?”

  Alex giggled and slowly dropped down and did exactly what her great-grandmother told her to do.

  “So you want me to just dig?”

  Nodding her head, she said, “Yes, Grace. I want you to just dig.”

  There was something about digging in the dirt that relaxed me. It always had and I knew Grams felt the same way.

  Shrugging my shoulders, I did what she told me to do. Turning, I found a spot and dropped to my knees. Sticking the garden shovel into the dirt, I scoped out some dirt. Then I scoped more out. My mind quickly got lost in thought as I thought about how Noah had been acting the last couple of weeks since his mother passed away. I’d readied myself for him to break down, but he never did.

  He was relaxed.

  Too relaxed.

  All the time he seemed relaxed.

  The shovel dug in deeper as I closed my eye
s and remembered seeing Noah taking a sleeping pill. I didn’t think much of it as I walked into the room and saw him put it in his mouth and down it with a Coke. He’d hardly been sleeping. One to two hours a night. Maybe in my mind I justified it, thinking he needed it.

  “Grams, did you dig often in your garden for no reason?” Alex asked with a chuckle.

  “Oh yes, Alexandra. There were times I was in my garden in the middle of the night. Something about being with the dirt cleared my head. Allowed me to focus on the things that were right in front of me that I couldn’t see.”

  Grams words slammed into my head as my heart felt like someone was gripping it and squeezing as hard as they could.

  Dig faster, Grace. Deeper.

  Noah. Oh God. Noah’s been taking pills to deal with his mother’s death and he’s been doing it right in front of me.

  I’ve been allowing it to happen.

  Dropping the shovel, I dug with my hands. I promised her. I promised Lisa I would be his strength.

  I failed her.

  I failed Noah.

  Using both of my hands, I frantically began digging out more dirt as Alex called out my name.

  “Grace?”

  Anger built up in my body as I realized how stupid and naïve I had allowed myself to me. Using my left hand to hold up my body, I rested it on the ground as I used my right hand to dig harder.

  “Stupid!” I cried out as I worked harder.

  “Grace! Stop!” Alex called out to me.

  “I can’t believe I was so blind!”

  Alex placed her hand on my shoulder and gave me a pull. “Grace Johnson! What are you doing?”

  Jumping up, I spun around and faced Alex. “The one thing I promised Lisa and Noah I would do . . . I didn’t do.”

  Alex gave me a confused look. “What in the hell are you talking about?”

  Looking past Alex, I caught Gram’s stare. Her blue eyes pierced mine. “How did you know?”

  Smiling, she slowly shook her head. “As we grow older, we see things. We learn things. Some of it is from experience, some from just listening to our gut feelings.”