Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  “Nikki replied, “I think so, yes.”

  “Will the jammer affect our bots?”

  Max searched his inventory. “All of the maintenance and cargo bots are hardened against the kind of field it puts out. I think the pirates used them to clean out captured ships.”

  “This sounds like it’s coming together. Is it just using advanced tech to pull it off that’s making it seem easy, or are we missing something big?”

  John said, “I’m with you, Bob. It seems too easy, but I don’t know what other precautions we can take at this point.”

  “If anyone has a suggestion, now would be the time.”

  Nikki said, “I could program a recall order for the bots and an escape flight, all on a panic button.”

  “Please do. Anything else?”

  No one had any more suggestions. Max’s script finished, and he sent me the inventory with training wheels.

  I asked John, “You still want to ride along?”

  “I do. I want to see all this go down.”

  “The saucer we need is in your barn. Did you learn to fly, yet?”

  “I did. Want me to bring it when I come?”

  “That would be great. Meet us at the new shop, about 2:30.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  Lyla, Nikki, and I went back to our place, but Snitz stayed with Max. Taking him on a raid where we were using tech we hadn’t tried yet seemed like a bad idea. Joanna pulled in not long after we got back. She got cleaned up, then she and Lyla headed out to the saucer so we could rest a few hours before we needed to be up again.

  The alarm went off way too soon. I went and started the coffee I set up before we laid down, then I went back to wake Nikki and get dressed. As we were walking down to the shop, I heard the door go up, and then the sound of whistling. I looked at Nikki and said, “We better hurry, they’ll leave without us.”

  “John might, but the boys won’t go without their Boss.”

  We hurried to get aboard. John turned over the piloting duties to Nikki, and she set up her panic button before we started out. John handed me a stunner, and we waited by the door. Topper said, “Thank you for including us, Boss.”

  “We need your crew to be able to get in and out quickly. If anyone has problems with the jammer, put them back aboard, and we’ll improvise. How is the car coming?”

  “We should be able to have it ready by sunup, if we don’t take too long doing this.”

  “Sunup is plenty of time. If it wasn’t done till lunch, it wouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Have we mentioned how much we like working for you, Boss?”

  “You might have said something, I suppose.”

  Nikki called out, “Cut the chatter! We’re over the target. Delivering stun now. Scan shows him down. Let’s get this done before he wakes up. Electronics are down, ready by the door.” John and I got out of the bots way.

  Nikki said, “Go!” as the door opened. John and I kept a watch for nosy neighbors. Bots started filing back aboard with whatever they found in their assigned compartment. Topper stood outside the door to help the smaller bots on the saucer. Taz was inside, counting the returning bots, and Ozzie was receiving the items and stowing them as the bots came aboard. Taz said, “All of us are aboard, Topper. Let’s go!”

  Topper grasped the edges of the doorway and pulled himself aboard. He said, “We may depart, Ma’am.”

  The door was closing before he finished saying depart. I could see the ground receding as the door closed. Nikki called, “Jammer off. Returning home. Anyone have a problem?”

  One of the small bots, holding a key, and a small device, chittered at Topper. He said, “It wants to know if it should begin charging the device, Boss?”

  “Let’s wait until we know what it is, Topper. We don’t need surprises.”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  Nikki ran the door of the shop up. She landed and opened the door. Topper asked, “What should we do with the recovered items, Boss?”

  “Put them on the bench where I left the gun cleaning supplies, Topper.”

  It was a joy to see the boys practicing safe weapon handling. After they had put all the loot on the table, they went back to working on the Chevelle. John, Nikki, and I went over to the table to see what all we had retrieved. John and I started clearing weapons, and Nikki picked up the Galactic tech She said, “I’m not sure what this is, I’ll have to research it.”

  “Good thing we didn’t let them charge it, then.”

  After the weapons were safe, we started looking at the other items. We found a large roll of cash, some silver ounces, a couple of Krugerrands, and some documents. She also had a few nice knives and some safe deposit box keys. John was looking over her weapons. “Colt Detective Special, good thing you decided to clean out the old car, you would have had a heck of a time finding another one of those.”

  “Walther PPK, pre-war, commercial, in 32, that wouldn’t have been a picnic, either, John. I’ll have to clean these in the morning. It’s bedtime.”

  Topper asked, “Do you want us to put things back in their places, when we finish modifying the car, Boss?”

  “Please leave that until I’ve had a better chance to examine everything, Topper.”

  John got aboard, and took the saucer back to his barn. Nikki ran the door down, and we headed off to bed. Snitz wasn’t there to get me up, so my comm went off instead. “Bob Wilson, it better be good, this early in the morning.”

  “Shake your lazy tail, son. Come out and open the barn for us.”

  Sure enough, Dingus and Dee were back. “On my way, Dingus.”

  I hung up and found my jeans. I stumbled out and went to open the barn doors. I got goosed by the rim of a saucer. “Oh, crap! He let Dee drive home.” She backed off and let me pull the doors open. She set it down in one of our last free spaces. We either need to sell some saucers, or build more parking. Dingus walked out, and I shook his hand. “Good to have you back, Dingus. We could use some adult supervision around here.”

  “Well, you’re out of luck then. Dee’s got me feeling like a kid again.”

  “I bet she does. You teach her that trick with the edge of the saucer?”

  “Nope. She figured that one out herself. Been practicing so she could tap you just right.”

  “So the Galactics made you bring her home, to keep them safe from her?”

  “They just didn’t want to have to play poker with her anymore.”

  “I’d believe that. Come on in the house, we’ll get some breakfast going. What’s keeping Dee?”

  “She’ll be along. She knows where the house is, don’t worry.”

  After we were out of earshot, I said, “I need your help with some stuff after breakfast, if you don’t mind.”

  “What kind of stuff?”

  “Surprise for Dee.”

  “You know I need to be in on that.”

  I got coffee going, and put some bacon in the oven. Dingus started pancakes, and cracked eggs to scramble. Dingus asked, “How many this morning?”

  “Six. Lyla and Joanna are sleeping in Lyla’s saucer.”

  “Joanna?”

  “Friend of Dee’s from Shitty Oaks.”

  “Any way we could do something about that place?’

  “They’re fixing to have a change in management. That ought to help.”

  “Oh?”

  “John’s buying the place.”

  “You boys are alright, Bob. You figure to do more recruiting out of there?”

  “Depends on if Dee thinks anybody else is worth it, I guess.”

  Nikki came wandering in, eyes half open. “What are you doing up, Caveman? Snitz wasn’t here to wake you up.”

  “We got company, Space Cadet.”

  “Whaa? Oh, hi Grandpa. Where’s Dee?”

  “In the saucer getting cleaned up. She flew all the way in.”

  “She likes saucers then?”

  “She said it was almost as good as her old Chevelle, whatever that means
.”

  Nikki looked around to see if Dee had snuck in. “Hang on, Grandpa, you’ll probably know what that means by the end of the day.”

  I heard the screen door, and said, “Yeah, we’ve been having really pretty weather. Should be great for paintball today. I want to try out those courses you sicced me on, Dingus.”

  Dingus caught on quick. Nikki looked like she was going to say something, but Dee came around the corner. “Hello, sleepyhead.”

  A big hug later, Nikki said, “Dee, it’s great to see you. Are you going to help me keep Caveman in line?”

  “Space Ranger there takes all my time these days, sorry.”

  “Did you guys have a good time?”

  “We had a lot of fun, when Dingus wasn’t doing official stuff. He is kind of a big deal, it seems.”

  “Tell me about it. All those stories when I was growing up about ‘your Grandpa Dingolus’, now that I’ve met him, they don’t smell nearly so fishy.”

  “He’s the real deal, Sweety. But your man Bob ain’t no slouch, his own self.”

  “I only have to smack him around a couple times a week to keep him in line, he’s getting better.”

  “Where’s that dog you were so proud of?”

  “We had some stuff to do last night. Had to leave him with Dad.”

  “Stuff to do, huh? Still ’practicing’, are you?”

  “Not just that, silly. Snitz is used to that.”

  “So what, then?”

  “You’ll find out later. Let’s get Lyla and Joanna up so we can eat.”

  Just then the screen door popped open. Lyla said, “No need, we’re up. Is that Dingus’ saucer in the barn?”

  Dee said, “It’ll be mine if I can talk him out of it.”

  Joanna gushed, “Delilah, it’s so good to see you! Thank you for getting me out of that place!”

  Dee said, “Just Dee, now. This one here took my Lilah.” pointing at Lyla.

  “Wha..? Oh, that would be confusing, wouldn’t it?”

  “Yep. Besides, Bob and his bunch got you out, I just told ‘em who to grab.”

  “Have you heard? John is buying that place.”

  “Really? That’s great! So instead of bingo, they’re going to run Wednesday night capers? Sneak attacks on the day-old counter at the bakery?”

  “I wouldn’t put it past him, but I haven’t heard any plans yet.”

  “We’ll get it out of him this afternoon, after we beat him at paintball.”

  “Julie said we both needed to take off for that. Why is it such a big deal for this bunch?”

  “They get the whole crew together and have fun. It’s like family, without the genetics.”

  Lyla spoke up, “Speaking of family, are you and Dingus going to make it official?”

  “We got a Galactic partner contract while we were gone, but we want to do a regular ceremony when we get a chance.”

  “Congratulations! Can I come if I don’t write about it?”

  “Honey, you know somebody is going to write about the ‘Great Dingolus Slongum” marrying a native girl. Might as well be somebody who likes us. How ‘bout an exclusive?”

  “Really? If I’d known almost getting killed would be this good for my career, I would have done it years ago.”

  “You’re not just visiting?”

  “Nope. Ran out here on a crime story, and picked up a nice breaking news tale while’II I was here.”

  “Crime story? What did they catch Bob at?”

  “No, silly. They rescued a little girl and her Grandma, in an out of control saucer. Turns out it was sabotage.”

  “What’s the other one? Did Bob get a cat?”

  “No, I did a story on Nikki and him fixing the teaching machines.”

  “The fellas at the Guide were all over that. The power core mods, too, once Dingus told them his guano story.”

  “We saw one of those, too. It smelled awful.”

  “Bob didn’t fix all the saucers here? I thought he would.”

  “He did. The Patrol hid one of theirs in a cave while they were here.”

  They went on like that, all through breakfast, getting caught up. When we were through eating, I asked Dingus,

  “You mind helping me with a few things?”

  He replied, “Not at all, Bob.”

  Dee asked, “Where are they off to?”

  Nikki said, “Secret Bob stuff, who knows?”

  As we neared the shop, Dingus asked, “What’s that noise?”

  I pulled out my comm and dialed Topper. “Sorry, boys. Band practice is over. Coming in with company.”

  Dingus wondered, “Boys? Who you got working for you?”

  “You’ll see. They’re a hoot.”

  We walked in. The boys were goofing around until they saw who was with me. They lined up and stood tall. Topper said, “Major Slongum, it is a pleasure to see you again, I hope your travels were pleasant?”

  “They were, ZZ809. Thank you.”

  “Sir, I have a new designation. I am now called Topper.”

  “As do I. They promoted me to colonel when I retired. Has Mr. Wilson kept you busy?”

  “Yes, sir, he has provided us things to do. Not all of them productive, but he has kept us busy.”

  “You three have a band?”

  “Well, sir, two of us are named for musical acts. When we found video of an all robot band on the internet, it seemed like a good way to spend time when we don’t have a project going.”

  “What sorts of ‘projects’?”

  “This building, for example. We dug the foundation, poured the slab, and assembled the building kit the Boss had delivered. We also plumbed and wired it. Mr. Wilson is a good boss. He has taught us new work skills, and new skills for recreation.”

  “Recreation?”

  “The Frisbee is fun. The canine enjoys it a great deal.”

  “You help to exercise the dog?”

  “We do. We also entertained the small human, while she was here. Taz especially. I think he misses her.”

  “I see removing your personality locks was the right thing to do. I had worried about how you and Mr. Wilson would interact.”

  Taz spoke up, “He is our Boss, sir. We are very glad to be here.”

  Ozzie said, “He let us build the Chevelle of great power. See its trail?”. He pointed to where I laid rubber leaving the shop.

  “Wait a minute, I’ve heard that word before. What is a Chevelle?”

  They parted, to give him a view of the car. Topper said, “This, sir, is a Chevelle. It is not an exact replica of the original, but we have endeavored to improve it in any way we could.”

  “This is Dee’s horse?”

  I said, “Yessir, it is. Luckily, Joanna knew more about it than I did, or we would have missed a lot of stuff. That’s what I need your help with, getting things ready to go back in the new car.”

  “New car? So this isn’t the one she built?”

  “Sadly, no. That one is rusting away, in a backyard. It’s owned by a crony of her son, who wouldn’t sell it. We did get scans, to locate all the special features, and last night we went and retrieved all her hidden items. They are over here.”

  We went over to the table, and I started separating things that needed service from things that could go back as is. Topper started the small bots putting away what was ready to be put away. I found the small Galactic item and handed it to Dingus. “What is that, and is it safe to charge it up before we put it away?”

  “It’s an old style emergency beacon. I ran it till it went dead, by then I figured no one was coming. I gave it to her Grandpa, he liked the colors. I wouldn’t bother charging it, she’s got a better one now.”

  I put it in the pile to be put away. “Now the stuff I brought you down here for. All of her weapons have been sitting in that rusting car. We need to clean them up for her.”

  He picked up her little Colt. “This I pretty much understand, I think. I saw an Adams with that trigger cocking deal, back whe
n. Most of this other stuff I’ve never seen, Bob.”

  “I can show you how they work. I saw how much skill you had when you worked over those Colts of yours. I need your magic touch to slick these up, better than new.”

  We worked our way through, sharpening knives, cleaning guns, Dingus slicking up where he could. He said, “She carried a lot of firepower, for just running around.”

  “The way I heard was that her first husband wouldn’t let her keep guns in the house, so her car became her gun safe.”

  “He’s the one let that boy grow up not respecting his mother?”

  “The same.”

  “Kinda wish he was still alive, so I could kick him around some.”

  “Yep. Dee didn’t deserve any of that.”

  We finished, and loaded everything, ready to be put away. Then we cleaned up. Topper came over, carrying a Frisbee. He asked, “This, sir, is a Frisbee. Would you like instruction in its operation?”

  “I would, ZZ, I mean Topper.”

  Topper showed him how it was done, and we all had a rousing game, till my phone rang. It was Nikki. “Hey, Caveman, you guys about done with your man talk? Its getting to be lunch time.”

  “Oops, sorry, we were teaching Dingus the Frisbee. Be right up.”

  “My Grandpa, the serious gunslinger, playing Frisbee? Oh my. Caveman, you mess with everything you touch, don’t you?”

  “You could’ve picked a different garage, you know. It’s as much your fault as mine.”

  “I don’t buy that for a minute, Caveman. One of these days I’m gonna catch you with those contacts out!”

  “Love you, Space Cadet. Be there in a minute.”

  “Love you, too, asshole.”

  We went up to the house and washed up for lunch. Dee walked by and sniffed. “Hoppe’s number 9, my favorite aftershave. We going to the range after paintball, boys?”

  Dingus spoke, saving me. “Something like that, D-lightful. It’s a surprise, you wouldn’t want to spoil it, would you?”

  “You know I would, Space Ranger. What have you boys been up to?”

  “Playing with ZZ, oh crap, I mean Topper and his friends. What’s that thing called, Bob?”

  “A Frisbee, Dingus.”

  “That’s it, playing Frisbee with Topper and Taz and, oh, Bob, who’s the other one?”

  “Ozzie.”