Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  Topper put up the countdown. When it rolled over to zero, we eased into normal space. I said, “Nicely done, Ruth.”

  Sensors called out, “I have a boarding on visual. The early warning net says the confrontation is over in real time.”

  I replied, “On screen, please.”

  We saw a flight of four fighters, surrounding a Squirrel ship that looked as if it were built for war. A freighter came up and docked with the Squirrel ship, and after a bit, all the ships went back to the planet. I asked, “Does anyone know what to make of that?”

  Topper said, “No, Boss, but Morning Flower is on the line, she can probably explain it to you.”

  I said, “Hi, Morning Flower. How are you today?”

  “Bawb! It’s good you are back. We need to know what to do with all these Squirrels who came here to kill you. We have them cleaning outhouses, but they are small and weak. It takes them a long time.”

  “How many of them are there?”

  “I don’t know, they just keep coming. We’ve caught three shiploads, so far.”

  “We’ll be in to take them off your hands in a few minutes. Thanks for taking care of them for us.”

  “We tried to be friends with the first bunch, but then they said they were here to blow you and the Gene out of space. We don’t let things like that happen to our friends.”

  “How are you getting their ships to the planet? Aren’t your pilots too big to fit in their ships?”

  “Chaw-lee is a good pilot. He learned to fly their ships quickly.”

  “Sounds like a plan. See you on the planet.”

  “See you soon, Bawb.”

  Dingus walked onto the bridge. “I heard the Captain had a funny feeling. I came to watch the fireworks.”

  I replied, “I think Morning Flower already has it well in hand. Sorry to disappoint you.”

  He asked, “How do you mean, Bob?”

  “She has three shiploads of Squirrels shoveling outhouses, down on the planet. She took offense when they showed up saying they were here to kill me and destroy the Gene.”

  “She out-fought three shiploads?”

  “My understanding is that they were silly enough to come in one ship at a time.”

  “Good training for her and her pilots. They give her much trouble?”

  “We saw the tail end of the latest capture. Didn’t see any damage to the Squirrel ship, so I’m guessing she got the drop on them before the shooting started.”

  “So, they were dribbling in here, thinking they could set up an ambush without any resistance, and they found Morning Flower ready to stick up for Bob?”

  “That appears to be what happened, yessir.”

  “And now, they are, quite literally, in deep shit?”

  “Indeed. What do you think about us taking the Roland Evans and a squad of Marines, and picking you out a few folks to talk to?”

  “Are we going to wash them first?”

  “I think that would be best, don’t you?”

  “Sounds like fun. I can’t wait to hear what they have to say about that ‘infamous monkey’ now.”

  “Working on your collection of Squirrel cusswords, are you?”

  “Everybody needs a hobby.”

  “Go round us up some help, and I’ll be down to the landing bay in a few minutes.”

  Dingus left, and I said, “How long is one of our fighters good on patrol?”

  Sally said, “As long as it has a robot pilot, it should be good for at least a month. After that, we would need to start rotating them in for maintenance.”

  “Set up a patrol, all through the arc facing Squirrel space. Don’t use over two-thirds of our fighters.”

  “What orders do you have for them?”

  “Any ship coming in from the direction of Squirrel space is to be assumed to be hostile, until proven otherwise. Capture all such ships, doing as little damage to them as is consistent with their own safety.”

  “What should they do with the captured ships?”

  “Make sure the crew is stunned, and call it in. We’ll send a freighter to bring them in.”

  “Anything else?”

  “You might let Morning Flower know, so she’s not worrying about guarding the approaches.”

  Sally said, “She replied, ‘Thanks. These people are no fun. They are too easy to catch.’ Does that mean the Squirrels don’t think the Sasquatch are a threat, or they just aren’t well trained?”

  “From what I’ve seen of their manuals, I would think it’s a lack of training. You have the conn. I’ll be on the surface, if you need anything.”

  “Would it be acceptable for us to keep the ship in the outer system, so we could respond more quickly to any captures that may occur?”

  “I don’t see why not. If we were to need you farther in, you could jump quickly enough that it wouldn’t make a difference where you started.”

  I took off for the landing bay. I was surprised to find Nikki waiting on me when the transit opened. She said, “You didn’t think you could slip off the ship that easy, did you?”

  “Truth be told, I hadn’t thought about it that way. Just going to pick up some Squirrels for your Grandpa to question.”

  “Oh yeah! And then Charlie will need to show you all the walnuts he’s bought for you, and Will needs to talk to you about jerky production, and I’m sure Bugling Elk will need something. Just a quick run to the planet. Be back in no time. You’re half right, Caveman. I was born at night. It was not, however, last night.”

  “Oops! I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “I’m not sure. Whatever I did.”

  Nikki really had me going. She would have gotten away with it, but Scotti lost her composure. When she quit giggling, she said, “You really got him going, Ma’am. That was something to see.”

  I looked at Nikki. “Now you’re giving the bots lessons in how to wind me up? I think there needs to be payback for this.”

  “C’mon, Caveman. You didn’t think I might want to go down to the planet, too?”

  “Tell you the truth, I was so shocked that Morning Flower had caught all those Squirrels, I hadn’t thought it through that far.”

  “How many did she catch?”

  “Three shiploads.”

  “How did she manage that?”

  “Silly boogers came in one at a time, and admitted they were here to do me harm. She didn’t appreciate that.”

  “I bet not. So, you and Grandpa are off to find the Squirrel most likely to sing?”

  “That we are. Feel like a little trip?”

  “Sure, but the one you should be asking is Snitz. He won’t want to miss a chance to pee on real trees.”

  “You’re right. Gene, whistle up Snitz, if you would.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  “Wait a minute, Gene can call Snitz? How does that work?”

  “He has a recording of me whistling. He plays that, and gives Snitz a light trail to follow.”

  “Do you think you ought to give Molly and Alice a chance to go ashore also?”

  “You act like we’re only going to be here one day. Do you know something I don’t?”

  “Nope, but isn’t it better to take care of it, while you have the chance?”

  “I give, you’re right. Gene, page Jim and Janet, tell them that if their dogs want to go to the planet, they need to get down here, ass-ape.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  The transit spit them out, one after the other. Jim had brought Janice with him. He said, “You know it is going to take more than this to get me to quit trying to square you away in the mornings, don’t you?”

  “Can’t blame a fellow for trying, can you?”

  “I suppose not.”

  We all started to load up, when I noticed Pete and Abe among the Marines loading up to go with us. I said, “Abe, Pete, front and center.” They chorused, “Yes, Boss?”

  “I need you two to stay here. Sorry you have to miss out on the fun.”

&nb
sp; Abe said, “No problem, Boss, but may I ask why?”

  “Because you two are the only ones small enough to get inside a Squirrel ship and clear it, if another one shows up.”

  They both perked up when I said that. Pete asked, “You mean we’re better suited to a job than the bigger bots?”

  “That you are. Do you think you can handle it?”

  They both snapped to and said, “Yes, Boss!”

  I looked at Andre. “Do you need to call up a couple more Marines, since I messed with your squad?”

  “If you don’t mind, Boss.”

  “Go for it.” He froze for a second, as he used the comm. Then he said, “I told them they could wash the prisoners, if they weren’t here inside a minute.”

  The transit flew open, and two Marines shot across the passage into formation. I looked at Andre. “Well done. Let’s get aboard.”

  When the ramp opened again, Morning Flower gave me a flying hug. I did the flying, of course. She said, “Bawb! It is so good to see you! The little outhouse shovelers said you would never make it back, if you went to their homeworld.”

  “They are not nearly as tough as they would like you to think.”

  “So, you had no trouble?”

  “I have a good ship, and a fine crew. They brought me back, just fine.”

  “Why did you bring so many Mah-reens? Falling Will is selling the jerr-kee for black-fur-nuts now. No more trouble.”

  “We want to see which of your outhouse shovelers we want to talk to. We thought they might object.”

  “They don’t give any more trouble, either. Some of the boys decided to play catch with one of the mouthy ones. Fred-Who-Waits had to put him in the aww-toe-dawk.”

  I looked at Dingus. “Put that down under ‘instruction in manners’.”

  “Yes, Bob.”

  Charlie came charging up on his horse. He was out of the saddle before they stopped, and I got another flying hug. “Uncle Bob! Sure is good to see you. Them little mouthy fellas said you wouldn’t make it back, but I knew you would.”

  “Them little mouthy fellas have a lot to say. Seems to me they have a little trouble backing it up.”

  “Still yet, it’s good to see you still kicking.”

  “How’s your garlic doing?”

  “First crop came in real good. Just finished putting in the second planting, over on Shaved Ape Key. We’ve got you a big load of walnuts, if you still have your heart set on dealing with them fellas.”

  “I’d rather deal with them than fight ‘em, but so far I’m not having a lot of luck getting them to listen.”

  “Morning Flower found the cure for that. They’re listening real good, now.”

  “I heard. I don’t think I can wander on to their home planet, and start using the first one I see for a football.”

  “Suppose not, but it did work good.”

  “How’s the livestock working out?”

  “The boys dearly love chasing pigs through the brush. The cattle are getting used to being here, too. But you ain’t lived till you’ve seen an old mama Squatch chase a fox out of her henhouse.”

  “You just stood and giggled, didn’t you?”

  “Nossir. I whacked him upside the head with my stick. That hide is going to be pretty, in a baby blanket.”

  “Sounds like you’re fitting right in. Beats trying to stay ahead of Child Welfare, I’m guessing.”

  “Does it ever. Thanks for bringing us out here, Uncle Bob. This place is great!”

  “Sure is. Hope we can keep it that way.”

  Just then, a group of young Squatches came out of the woods, carrying one of their buddies. They took him to Will’s place, to go into the autodoc. Charlie and I wandered over to see what had happened. Walking Bear met us and said, “He stuck a pig, but it ran up his spear. Got him with its tusk.”

  I said, “Folks back home used to put a crossbar on their spears, right behind the head, so that wouldn’t happen.”

  “Show me, Bawb.”

  I showed him what I was talking about. He said, “That looks like a good idea, but how would we get it to stay where it is supposed to be?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Charlie said, “I’ve seen the kind of spear you’re talking about, Uncle Bob. Usually, they make the crossbar part of the head.”

  I asked, “Do you think your Grandpa could run some off like that? We can’t have these boys getting hurt all the time.”

  “He could, but he already ran a bunch off. He tried to get the boys to use them, but they didn’t see the need. Maybe now he can get his point across.”

  I replied, “Ouch! How long have you been saving that one?”

  “Coupla days, I guess. Thought I’d keep it back for a special occasion.”

  “I’m honored, I think.”

  Walking Bear asked, “Could I see one of your Grandpa’s points, Chaw-lee?”

  “Sure.” We walked over to Will’s shop. Charlie said, “Hey, Grandpa, they finally decided you might know what you’re talking about when it comes to boar spears. Walking Bear wants to see one of your points.”

  Will answered from the back room, “I’ll be right out.”

  He came out and saw me. “Hey, Bob! When did you get in?”

  “Just got here in time to see them bring in that fella that had a pig run up his spear.”

  Will replied, “He got a nasty gash out of it. Lost a lot of blood, but we got him in the box quick enough, he’ll be fine.”

  Walking Bear said, “He has always been too quick to rush in. Maybe now he will listen, when I tell him to slow down.”

  I said, “Sounds like you know him pretty well.”

  “He’s my brother.”

  Will pulled out some nice-looking points for boar spears. Walking Bear said, “I would like to trade for two of those, Falling Will.”

  Will asked, “What do you have?”

  “I finished off the boar that hurt him, I have that meat.”

  Will asked, “How much of the belly would you give for two points?”

  “They will keep us safer when we hunt, and we can catch many more hogs. I would give the whole belly.”

  Charlie said, “You can’t fool us, you just want some bacon.”

  “The bay-kawn is very good. Being able to go back and hunt again is even better.”

  Will said, “It’s a deal, then. You need any help putting shafts in them?”

  Walking Bear pointed to his belt. “I have the knife of Taz. I can make them fit. I will bring you the meat.”

  He left to go get it. I said, “Sounds like you’ve got a good business going.”

  He replied, “We do alright. Things are so relaxed here. Sure is nice.”

  “Has to beat having the FBI looking for you all the time.”

  “Only thing I wish is that Phonelia would make it back once in a while. Gets kinda lonesome around here.”

  “Have you heard from her? I haven’t heard a word since they took off.”

  “She comms once in a while. They’re doing alright, it’s just that they haven’t found anything interesting yet.”

  “Let her know, I wouldn’t mind hearing from her, even if she didn’t have much to say. Not hearing anything makes me wonder if she’s okay.”

  “I told her that, but she says she wants to have some results before she bothers you.”

  “As long as she’s okay.”

  “She says Veronica is taking good care of her.”

  “Good deal. On another subject, have you had any dealings with those Squirrels that Morning Flower brought in?”

  “Not a lot. What do you need to know?”

  “I brought Dingus down to look for some of them we could get to talk about why they are here, and who exactly sent them. Any of them strike you as more prone to talk than the rest?”

  “In general, I’d say you’d be better off talking to a female. They seem to be less hung up on the whole ‘I’m badder than you, monkey’ trip. There are a couple that the ladies t
ook for kitchen help, because they were too small to do much good shoveling. You might try them. What I’ve seen, they seem to be fairly reasonable.”

  “Would we do better to have Jane talk to them?”

  “Female to female, you mean? It might work better, but they seem to be hard-wired to listen to males, more than females. It could be counterproductive.”

  “Look at you, whooping out the big words. What else do you think, professor?”

  “Folks are right about you. You are an asshole. Glad you’re on our side, though.”

  “I hope it stays that way. Given what you’ll do to settle a pension dispute, I’d hate to see what you’d do if I really whizzed you off.”

  “That was a long time ago, and a long ways away. I’ve mellowed in my old age.”

  “Why is it that I don’t feel the urge to risk any money on that?”

  “Could it be that you’re not as dumb as you look?”

  “That wouldn’t take much, would it?”

  “I refuse to answer on the grounds it might tend to lacerate me.”

  “Good choice. Thanks for the info, I better get back. I told Nikki this was going to be a quick trip.”

  Will grabbed his temples and said, “I’m getting a vision. A vision of your future. I see a doghouse.”

  “You could be right about that, but she likes it here as much as I do.”

  “Later, Bob.”

  “Later, Will.”

  When I got back to the ship, Dingus asked, “Learn much?”

  “The locals are just discovering the benefits of a crossbar on a boar spear.”

  “That what happened to the fellow they carried in?”

  “Yep. I also found out that there are a couple of female Squirrels helping with the kitchen work, who might be willing to talk.”

  “I heard about a runt, who’s been getting kicked around by the bigger fellows. They thought he might be willing to talk, if we were willing to find him a different place to work.”

  “You want to interview them here, or take them back to the ship?”

  “I’m thinking if we let Lakki or Tikki sit in on the interviews, we might make better progress.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Let’s round them up, wash as necessary, and head back.”