Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  “I don’t think so, right now. I’ll get back with you, if I think of anything else.”

  “Bye, Boss.”

  “Bye, Sally.” When the connection quit, I dialed John. “John Branham.”

  “Morning, John. I thought you looked to see who was calling, before you answered.”

  “You have to have your eyes open to do that, Bob. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “Diego in that bad of a shape?”

  “No, he’ll be fine. Jane has the baby fever, and I was up most of the night trying to give her the cure.”

  “TMI, John. WTFTMI. Especially this early in the morning.”

  “You asked, Bob.”

  “I was going to try and sugar coat this, but just for that, you’re getting it straight. The whole thing with Bill proves that there are people willing to go to any lengths to get their hands on the old Commonwealth Navy. In my mind, that leaves us with one option. We need to go get it first. To do that, we need Captains, ready to take charge, and get their ships out of there. Here’s where you regret putting me in charge. You will report to Sally, for whatever training she sees fit to give you, with the goal of getting you ready to take charge of your own ship. Any questions?”

  “Why me? Why not Jane instead?”

  “You don’t want it. Sally seems to be convinced that is the most reliable indicator of a good captain. Train Jane up to be your XO, if it makes you feel better.”

  “Okay, Bob, I’ll do it. You do realize that if we ever get to play paintball again, your heinie belongs to me.”

  “I would expect no less. Diego is next on her hit list, as soon as he’s vertical.”

  “I had gotten so used to giving people good news when they came out of the autodoc. I hate to break my streak.”

  “If it means that much to you, ask Sally to tell him.”

  “Just messing with you, Bob. I’ll get started on the training today.”

  “You don’t sound that surprised.”

  “Jane told me it would be coming, as soon as that mess with Bill broke. She said, ‘Bob’s going to want people he can trust trained to be captains. That means you, Honeybunch.’”

  “We have a couch, for when she figures out how poorly she married.”

  “Thanks, but I don’t think she’s going to let me out of it that easy.”

  “I better let you get back to it. I need to get in the house and get some coffee started.”

  “Later, Bob.”

  “Later, John.” Snitz finished, and we went back in. To my surprise, Topper had started the coffee, and was working on breakfast. I asked, “When did you learn to cook?”

  “Mr. Sloan taught me while we were waiting for you and Mrs. Wilson to get back from your honeymoon.”

  I sat down with a cup of coffee, and tried to get my mind around everything that had happened. I didn’t make much progress, before Nikki came stumbling out, following the smell. She said, “Morning, Caveman. Do I need to call Grandpa to come pick us up?”

  “Nope. Sally and the crew dealt with the problem, no sweat.”

  “Really? No trouble at all?”

  “Diego is in the autodoc, but John sounded like it wasn’t serious.”

  “Did you call Zoom?”

  “You think I should?”

  “Her husband wound up in the autodoc, taking care of your ship. What do you think?”

  “I think I’m a moron for having to have you tell me to do it.” I pulled out my comm and dialed. “Morning, Boss. What can I do for you?”

  “I called to see what I could do for you, since your husband got injured in service to the ship.”

  “John says he’ll be out this afternoon, Boss. He would have had him out already, but he decided to go ahead and give him the enhanced reflexes and stuff while he was in.”

  “Good deal. He’ll need it for the training he’s going into when he gets out.”

  “C’mon, Boss. Just because he took down your captain candidate, he has to fill the slot himself?”

  “Bill proved we need to wake up the Navy, before somebody less scrupulous stumbles onto it.”

  “I guess you’re right, but you know how much he’s going to fuss and cuss about this, don’t you?”

  “I’ve got a pretty good idea. I’m not all that crazy about sitting in the big chair myself, you know?”

  “I know, Boss. As long as you don’t want me to train for it, too.”

  “Of course not. You’re going to be his Chief Engineer.”

  “Boss, I’m beginning to see why they call you asshole so much.”

  “Just get with Scotti and Sally, see what you still need to study. Shouldn’t take that long, since it’s only four hours between courses now.”

  “Yes, Boss. I’ll get right on that.”

  “You know I’ll check up on you, right?”

  “I figured as much. Talk to you later, Boss.”

  “Later on, Zoom.”

  Nikki said, “I thought you were calling to console her, not give her more work.”

  “She seemed like she was handling him getting hurt okay. I figured it would be better if she stayed busy, so she didn’t have time to change her mind.”

  “Sneaky Caveman. I knew I kept you around for something.”

  “Can’t be for my cooking, now that Topper has learned how.”

  “When did that happen?”

  “He said your Dad taught him, while we were on our honeymoon.”

  “Dad is sneakier than I gave him credit for.”

  “He’s a Slongum. I haven’t met a dumb one yet.”

  “Thanks, Caveman. What are you going to do about Bill?”

  “I was hoping you could give me some guidance on that. What’s customary, for mutiny on a commercial vessel?”

  “You’re not going to call the Gene a military vessel?”

  “She was, and very well may be again, but at this point in time, she is a commercial vessel, operated by Bob’s Saucer Repair. I could, right now, declare myself Emperor Bob, of the Empire of Snitzelvania, and commission her as the S.S. Gene Cernan, the first ship of the Snitzelvanian Navy. That wouldn’t change the fact that at the time of the mutiny, the Gene was a commercial ship.”

  “I see your point, Caveman. Do you want me to look it up for you?”

  “Sally is already on that. I was hoping you could give me an idea of what happens in the real world, as opposed to what the rule book says.”

  “Well, there hasn’t been an incident of this kind in a very long time. I could look up case records, but I would think Sally would find them in her search.”

  “For the first time, I wish we had registered Gene as a Commonwealth vessel. Then we could just dump those two on Mike and Tina when they show up.”

  “What did Mike and Tina ever do to you?”

  “I guess you’re right. I wish Dingus were here. I could sure use some adult supervision right about now.”

  My comm rang. Sally said, “Hello again, Commodore.” I replied, “Good morning, Captain. Do you mind if I put you on speaker with Topper and Mrs. Wilson?”

  “Go ahead, Boss.” I did, and asked, “What did you find, Sally?”

  “The Gene is a commercial ship at this time, correct?”

  “I don’t see any way we can claim otherwise.”

  “That complicates things a great deal. In the normal course of business, a mutiny on a commercial vessel would be prosecuted by the political entity the ship was flagged by. We aren’t sailing under the flag of any political entity, just Bob’s Saucer Repair.”

  “So, you’re telling me we’re in uncharted waters, legally speaking?”

  “Yes, Boss. I can’t find any precedent for the situation we find ourselves in.”

  “Thanks for your hard work. I’ll see if I can come up with an answer.”

  “Later, Boss.”

  “Later, Captain.”

  Nikki asked, “What was all that ‘Captain’ and ‘Commodore’ stuff about?”

  “Sally
had been certified captain a long time ago. All I had to do was acknowledge her old captain as valid authority, and boom, she’s a Captain.” Hearing that, Topper exclaimed, “Boss, you mean you recognized Captain Rannum as a valid certifying authority?”

  “I did. Is that a problem?”

  “Regs say only non-coms can be Chief of the Boat. I’m a First Looey again now. He gave me a field promotion, back in the day.”

  “Topper, are we in the Navy?”

  “No, Boss.”

  “Do we have anyone else more qualified to be Chief of the Boat?”

  “Not that I am aware of, Boss.”

  “Are you willing to stay in the position until we find a suitable replacement, or do I need to bust you back down to Master Chief?”

  Topper froze, considering his options. Finally, he said, “Boss, I would be more than willing to find and train my replacement.”

  “Better train up a whole class. Seems like we are going to have to wake up the rest of the Navy, whether we want to, or not.”

  Nikki said, “That didn’t work out quite like you planned, did it?”

  Topper replied, “No, Ma’am, it did not. I should know better than to volunteer for anything around the Boss.”

  I thought for a minute, and asked, “None of us has a clue about how Commonwealth law applies in this situation, correct?”

  Topper and Nikki both said, “No, we don’t.”

  “I think we could make a pretty good case that since we’re an Earth-based company, Earth law should apply, don’t you?”

  Topper stayed quiet, but Nikki said, “I suppose you could make that argument, yes. Actually, that sounds like it might be the best answer, since that would be the kind of justice Bill and Jennie would be expecting.”

  “Can you show me how to call an Earth phone from here?”

  “Yes, Caveman.” She showed me what to do, and I called Mr. Watley’s office. A voice I didn’t recognize answered. “Mr. Watley’s office, how may I help you?”

  “I’d like to speak with Mr. Watley if I could? Tell him it’s Bob Wilson calling.”

  “I thought Julie said you were out of town, Mr. Wilson?”

  “I am. I just have a quick question for Mr. Watley.”

  “Right away, Mr. Wilson. And thanks for helping get me this job.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Mr. Watley came on the line. “Mr. Wilson, good to talk to you. Whose applecart are we going to turn over today?”

  “Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t have anything quite that fun today. Just to be sure, you don’t have any expertise in maritime law, do you?”

  “No, I sure don’t.”

  “Could you recommend someone who likes money better than telling stories?”

  “I had a classmate in law school who specialized in maritime law. Would you like his information?”

  “Sure would. What do I owe you?”

  “You have me on retainer, that covers this, not to mention I still owe you for helping find my new receptionist. She’s so much better than Emily ever thought about. I’m thinking I really don’t want to know what this is concerning?”

  “I think you would like it better that way.” He gave me his friend’s contact info, and we said our goodbyes.

  I called the other lawyer. “Mr. Otis’ office, how may I help you?”

  “Good morning. Mr. Watley recommended I call, as he didn’t have the experience I needed.”

  “That would be Mr. Watley from Cleveland?”

  “No, Ma’am. The only Mr. Watley I know is from Springfield, Missouri.”

  I heard a man’s voice. “Is that Mr. Wilson? Put him through, please.”

  “Mr. Wilson, this is Henry Otis. How might I help you?”

  “I’m guessing Mr. Watley told you to expect my call?”

  “He did.”

  “First things first. Do you have an account where I can deposit a retainer?”

  He read me off the information, and I took it down. Nikki had anticipated my needs, and provided me with paper and pencil. Then she handed me her comm, which was already on my bank’s transfer page. I put in the account data, and sent Mr. Otis a nice retainer. I heard some fuss on the other end of the line, and asked, “If that isn’t enough, I can send more.”

  “No, Mr. Wilson, that’s plenty. I’m just wondering how ethical this job might be, if you’re willing to pay that kind of retainer.”

  “If it bothers you, feel free to return part of it, but I assure you, I’m not going to ask you to do anything unethical.”

  “I’ll take your word for it, I suppose. Jimmy wouldn’t recommend you if you weren’t kosher.”

  “Glad to hear it. Here’s my problem. I know that mutiny on a military vessel is punishable by death, and mutiny on a commercial vessel is generally handled by the government whose flag the vessel flies, with whatever punishment that government deems appropriate. What I need to find out, is what is the custom, in the case of a vessel not sailing under the flag of any country?”

  “Is this research for a story, or how are you going to use the information?”

  “Is it necessary for you to know that in order to answer the question?”

  “No, I don’t suppose it is. You’re implying the more I know, the more I might be responsible for?”

  “I suppose you could put it like that. I was just trying to keep certain things out of the discussion, that might make it harder for you to concentrate on the legal issues.”

  “I should tell you that any stateless vessel operating in U.S. waters is considered to be under U.S. jurisdiction.”

  “That’s nice to be aware of, but doesn’t apply in this case.”

  “Well, in general, in the absence of any other authority, the ship’s owner would be considered the lawful authority.”

  “That puts me back where I started, Sir. Is there precedent that I could follow?”

  “You are saying that you are the Master of a stateless ship, and you have had mutiny attempted against you?”

  “Yes, Sir, I am. I am seeking guidance as to how to proceed with punishment.”

  “You and your vessel are not now in the territorial waters of the United States?”

  “No, Sir, we are not, nor have we ever been.”

  “You are seeking guidance on how to punish your mutineers, correct?”

  “I am. Will you be able to offer me any help?”

  “Very little, I’m afraid. Most mutineers on ships such as yours wind up shark bait, with no records kept.”

  “I had hoped to be a bit more civilized than that, if it was possible.”

  “May I ask why?”

  “One of the mutineers has two minor dependents. They have been through quite a bit of hardship already, and I don’t want to add to it.”

  “So, your main concern is the children?”

  “Yes, Sir, it is. If I execute their Uncle, they will have no family left to depend on. If I put them ashore in a strange place, they will have even more turmoil in their lives. I’m at my wit’s end, trying to come up with a solution that doesn’t put an unfair burden on the kids.”

  “Have you spoken to them?”

  “I have not. I was off the ship when the mutiny was attempted, and my second-in-command put it down. I have yet to get back to the ship. One of the mutineers did, however, come to where I was, armed, apparently to do me and my wife harm. The guard my second-in-command had set was able to intercept her before she was able to do any harm.”

  “I get the feeling there is a great deal more to this story than you are telling, Mr. Wilson.”

  “It’s good to know my lawyer isn’t a moron, Sir.”

  “Thanks, I think. You say you were away from the ship, and the mutineers could have, if they could have taken over the ship, sailed away without harming you, but they chose to come after you with murderous intent?”

  “I did say that.”

  “Your only compunction about feeding them to the sharks is the fate of the minor children?�
��

  “It is.”

  “I can’t believe I’m advising a client to do this, but I think the only thing you can do, is go ahead with the executions, and see to the care of the children as best you can.”

  “I had really hoped you could give me a wiser answer, Sir.”

  “I hoped I could, too, but I don’t see where you have another option.”

  “Thank you for your time, Sir. Hopefully, I won’t need to bother you again.”

  “That’s fine, Mr. Wilson. After that retainer, you can bother me whenever you like.”

  He hung up. I said, “That was ever so helpful. At least I know I’m not missing something easy.”

  Nikki said, “Maybe Grandpa is out of FTL by now.”

  I replied, “Couldn’t hurt to try.” I called Dingus. “What’s up, Bob? You got another lovesick bot you need me to help out?”

  “Nope. I’ve got a discipline issue I’m not sure what to do about. I was hoping for some sage advice.”

  “Are you sure it would actually cause you physical pain to just call and shoot the breeze, Bob? Do you always have to hit me with a big old problem?”

  “I dunno, Dingus. I just don’t want to bother you when you’re busy with other things.”

  “Just messing with you, Bob. I don’t mind at all. What’s up?”

  “Bill Richards and Jennie Stone attempted mutiny last night. I really don’t want to leave Bill’s niece and nephew without any family, but I don’t want to leave Bill alive to try again.”

  “Have you talked to the kids yet?”

  “No, they’re still aboard ship. I’m on the planet waiting for Mike and Tina. Sally has a nanny bot talking to them, but I haven’t heard what they had to say, yet.”

  “I don’t see how you can leave him alive to try again, but you don’t want the kids coming after you when they grow up, either.”

  “Exactly. Rock, meet hard place.”

  “It’s days like today I’m glad you’re sitting in the big chair.”

  “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

  “No, Bob, I won’t take over and let you retire to Shaved Ape Key.”

  “Not what I had in mind, at least not today. If we don’t go ahead and wake up the Navy, some other bright boy is going to stumble over it, and decide he needs to be Emperor. We’re going to have to go wake it up, just to keep it out of the hands of somebody like Bill. I’m going to need Captains for that. You don’t want to, and Sally seems to think that is one of the best ways to pick a good Captain.”