by Elias Taylor
What an idiotic way of thinking. Tristen realized now that this was just comeuppance for thinking he could get away with his monstrous lie.
Only this wasn’t exactly punishment. The only punishment would be if Kayla walked out of his office before he managed to gather his thoughts.
“Kayla, we need to talk,” Tristen said. “Not here, let’s go outside.”
Kayla’s face remained stern and stony as Tristen led her down the stairs and out to the front of the office building, where they sat down on a small bench.
Kayla crossed her arms over her chest, and Tristen mourned the lack of contact. He wanted to hold her hand or put his arm around her shoulders or do something to keep them anchored together during this storm of emotion.
“I’m not where I planned to be,” Tristen said. “I wanted to be further along in my career before a family and kids.”
Kayla snorted and rolled her eyes.
“That makes two of us,” she said. “But it is what it is, and if it disrupts you this much, I’ve already made it clear that you’re not needed.”
“Don’t do that,” Tristen murmured. “Please don’t shut me out before I have a chance to think.”
Tristen ran his hands through his hair and sighed.
He had remained relatively calm, but he could feel himself losing his grip on everything. He didn’t know what to do or say. He felt like he was in some strange dream.
“I can’t really afford to waste time thinking,” Kayla said. “I must act in a way that’s best for me and the baby.”
When she said the word “baby,” Tristen felt light-headed.
“I just have a few questions,” Tristen said.
Kayla raised her eyebrows.
“Such as?” she asked.
“Have you been to a doctor or anything?” Tristen asked. “Or made an appointment?”
He didn’t know much about pregnancy, but he knew doctor’s appointments were part of it. Kayla seemed surprised by his query. As she opened her mouth to answer, she was interrupted by a shout of greeting from behind her.
“Tristen and Kayla!”
Tristen whipped his head around to see David approaching. Tristen’s nerves were frazzled, and his thoughts were jumbled. The last thing he wanted was to interact with his boss. He forced a smile and stood up.
“Hi, David,” Tristen said.
“Hello, hello,” David said. “Kayla, you must have swung by to congratulate Tristen on the big news.”
Tristen had never admired Kayla more. She stood up to greet David with ease and a pleasant smile plastered on her face, as if her entire life was the picture of peace and contentment.
“Yes, I’m extremely proud of him,” Kayla said.
“And how are you going to celebrate?” David asked.
“Um, well,” Tristen felt himself struggling in the conversation. He wanted Kayla to help, but he also didn’t want to force her to be nice to his boss. “It is a big day.”
“Really?” David asked. “Anything else you’re celebrating?”
“Well, Kayla’s pregnant actually,” Tristen said.
As soon as he had blurted out the words, he knew he had messed up. Kayla’s face had frozen. She still wore a small smile, but her eyes had turned to ice.
Fortunately, David was overjoyed. He was too excited about Tristen’s growing family to see the clear expression of regret on Tristen’s face.
“Congratulations!” David said. “That’s amazing.”
Tristen though he might collapse under the force of David’s joy, but somehow they all managed to survive David’s ebullience before he headed back into the office.
As soon as David was out of sight, Kayla whirled on Tristen.
“Have you lost your mind?” she hissed. “Why did you tell him?”
“I– I,” Tristen stammered.
Kayla looked like she was ready to punch him in the face. He almost wanted her to hit him if it would make her feel better.
“First of all, you’re not supposed to tell anyone about a pregnancy until at least three months,” she said. “And I wanted to keep this pregnancy a secret for as long as possible.”
“I’m sorry, I panicked,” Tristen said.
Kayla curled her lip in disgust and shook her head.
“You didn’t panic,” she said. “You just wanted to use me for your little family guy act with David for as long as you could.”
“That’s not true,” Tristen said.
“He’s gonna tell everyone,” Kayla said. “I really wanted to keep this under wraps so it wouldn’t interfere with my work.”
“It’s going to interfere eventually,” Tristen pointed out.
His words only infuriated her more.
“Yeah, but I wanted it to be on my terms,” Kayla said.
She reached down to scoop up her purse. She was shaking with anger. Tristen knew he had messed up. He knew he should have held it together. He knew that Kayla needed him to help, and all he had done was make matters worse.
“Kayla, don’t go,” Tristen said. “We need to talk more.”
“Talk about what?” Kayla asked. “Talk about how ill-prepared you are to be an actual partner to me? Talk about how you are clearly willing to have a fake relationship over a real one?”
Tristen was stunned into silence. Her vitriol was alarming, and he couldn’t even blame her. She had endured a long day of twists and turns. Was it only a few hours ago that he was assuring her he would bring her soup after work?
Tristen collapsed back onto the bench. Kayla stood with her hands on her hips and stared down at him.
“I thought you wouldn’t be ready for this,” she said. “And this just proves it.”
Her words stung more than Tristen expected. She was right; he wasn’t ready. But he somehow wanted to show to her that he could be ready. Or he could at least try.
“I’m sorry, Kayla,” he said. “I’m really sorry.”
“Saying sorry doesn’t erase what you just did,” Kayla said. “I’ll be lucky if it’s not all over my office by next week.”
“I’ll tell David to keep it quiet,” Tristen said. “He’ll understand once I explain that I was just being stupid.”
“Great,” Kayla said. “Be sure to maybe wheedle another promotion out of him while you’re at it.”
“That’s not fair,” Tristen said.
Kayla threw up her hands. Tristen could tell that she was done. He felt an outpouring of sympathy. She probably hadn’t even wanted to come to the office to tell him. She probably was barely recovered from her bout of morning sickness.
“I have to go,” Kayla said.
Just like that, all the anger evaporated. She deflated like a balloon.
Tristen nodded.
“I need space,” she said. “But now you know.”
She turned and walked away. Tristen watched her get into her car and drive out of the parking lot.
He sat on the bench for a long time. He let himself wallow in his feelings of dread and self-hatred. He was such an idiot.
Kayla had tried to be an adult by telling him what was going on, and he had panicked. He hadn’t been able to sort through his thoughts, and he had failed to have a real conversation.
He shouldn’t have tried to make her stay at the office to talk. That had only led to disaster.
After a while, Tristen stood up and made his way back to his desk. A numbness overtook him as he sat down. His energy and cheerfulness had vanished. Nothing was ever going to be quite the same.
Tristen was on autopilot as he wrote a quick email to David explaining that he and Kayla would appreciate it if the news stayed quiet for a little bit.
Then he stared at his computer for the rest of the afternoon.
He tried to focus on work, but mostly he just wondered what Kayla was doing.
And what he was going to do now that everything was ruined.
Chapter Twenty-One: Strength
Kayla had not realized how much she wanted Triste
n to be a part of her future until she had seen that he wouldn’t be.
When she had told him she was pregnant, his shock and displeasure and fear had been clear on his face. She didn’t blame him for being shocked. She was surprised as well. But she did blame him for spiraling out of control. She couldn’t have that kind of energy around her, not now that everything was changing all at once.
The only stroke of luck was that it was the weekend. After Tristen revealed her pregnancy to David, Kayla had headed straight back to her apartment and decided she was going to spend the entire weekend holed up in her safe space and trying to regroup.
She had spent the rest of Friday afternoon crying. She told herself it was just pregnancy hormones making her over-emotional, but she knew it was Tristen. She had lost him, and she had barely even appreciated him while she had him. It was as if Kayla had been given one bite of a delicious meal, but then denied any more.
She had told herself that she could do it alone, that she even wanted to do it alone. She had acted to Cleo as if she preferred the thought of raising a child all by herself.
She had been lying. Kayla had lied to Cleo and herself. She had even lied to Tristen when she had said she didn’t want or need him.
Kayla not only wanted Tristen to join her in this next chapter, she needed him. She couldn’t do this alone. Or rather, she could, but she would miss him dearly.
The thing was, she wanted him to want it as well. She didn’t want Tristen to stay with her only out of a sense of obligation. She couldn’t bear to have him with her only because he felt guilty.
So perhaps it was for the best that they had fought. Now she understood he wasn’t ready for this and didn’t want it.
It hurt because she had thought – for a brief second, she had believed – that he did want it. She thought maybe he wanted it all. And maybe they could have had it all if they had waited and taken things slow and in the typical order. Dating, love, marriage, kids.
Who was she kidding? They had never done anything in order. They had started with blackmail and then moved right into a fake engagement and then resorted back to blackmail again. A surprise pregnancy was just the latest incident in their strange and malformed relationship.
Kayla assumed Tristen would reach out at some point Friday evening. She figured he would at least send a text apologizing again but reiterating how unprepared he was for fatherhood. She was braced for that kind of text.
Nothing arrived. No text, no phone call. The sun set and Kayla went to sleep before 8. She was worried that her anger at Tristen might keep her up, but the day had been too exhausting. Kayla accepted that he wasn’t even capable of a phone conversation before falling into a deep and dreamless slumber.
She woke up the next morning to the jingle of keys in the lock. Kayla sat straight up and a smile overtook her face. She was sure it was Tristen, come to tell her that everything was going to be ok.
Then she remembered that Tristen didn’t even have a spare key to her apartment. Only Cleo had a spare.
Sure enough, Cleo appeared in Kayla’s doorway. Without saying a word, Cleo crawled into bed and embraced Kayla. It wasn’t the same as cuddling with Tristen, but Kayla appreciated her friend for doing what she could.
Kayla told Cleo everything that had happened. She described Tristen’s frozen look of fear when she told him about the pregnancy. She explained how he had been so panicked he blurted out the secret to his boss. Kayla started crying as she told Cleo she was going to have to do it all by herself.
Cleo held her tightly and stroked Kayla’s back and told her it would be ok. Kayla didn’t believe her, but it was nice of Cleo to say it anyway.
After laying with her a while, Cleo spoke.
“What do you want to eat?” Cleo asked. “Whatever weird cravings you have, I’ll go get it, and we can spend the whole day eating and watching stupid movies.”
Kayla let out a stilted laugh.
“I’m not getting cravings yet,” Kayla said.
“In that case, I’ll order breakfast tacos,” Cleo said. “And maybe I’ll run to the store and pick up ice cream and chocolate.”
Kayla let her friend coddle her. They watched cheesy romantic comedies and stuffed their faces with take-out food all day. Kayla tried to put on a brave face, but Cleo had known her too long to be deceived.
Cleo offered to spend the night, but Kayla told her it was fine.
“Are you sure?” Cleo asked. “I gotta say, I’m worried about you.”
Kayla shrugged.
“I just need some time to rest,” Kayla said.
“And talk to Tristen more?” Cleo asked.
“I told you,” Kayla said. “He wants no part of this.”
“Are you sure?”
Kayla sighed and rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to yell at Cleo, but she was too on edge to hold in her temper.
“I know you thought he and I were perfect, and he was going to save me from being a boring workaholic forever, but things don’t work out that way in real life,” Kayla said. “It’s over, he’s not willing to do this with me.”
“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him again,” Cleo said. “Have you tried calling?”
Kayla stood up and started to clear the plates from the living room coffee table. Maybe if she started cleaning, Cleo would realize how much Kayla didn’t want to talk about this.
“He has my number,” Kayla said as she dumped a bunch of take-out boxes into the trash.
“Look, I know he acted stupid yesterday,” Cleo said. “But don’t you think he deserves another chance?”
“Cleo, seriously, drop it,” Kayla said.
Kayla could tell her friend wanted to say more, but Cleo clamped her lips together and helped Kayla with the clean-up.
When everything had been washed and put away, Cleo grabbed her bag. She gave Kayla a serious look of concern at the doorway.
“Stop looking at me like I’m a sick puppy,” Kayla said. “I’m ok.”
“You just don’t seem ok,” Cleo said. “You seem only half-alive.”
Kayla shrugged. The truth was, she only felt half-alive. For the whole afternoon, she had been longing to get back in bed and sleep again.
“I’m just emotional about what this means for the rest of my life,” Kayla said. “And I’m sad about losing Tristen.”
Her voice cracked when she said his name. Cleo moved to embrace her, but Kayla held up her hand.
“I’m fine,” Kayla said. “Go home, and I’ll rest, and I’ll be fine.”
Cleo gave Kayla one last pitying look before turning to go.
The rest of the evening saw Kayla drifting in and out of sleep. She would doze for an hour or so, then wake up and binge on snack food and leftovers, before going back to sleep and repeating the pattern in an endless cycle.
Kayla had never been this depressed. She had never been so unable to pull herself together.
It was even worse than after her break-up with Bryan. At least then she had known, underneath all her sadness, that Bryan wasn’t the one for her. He didn’t treat her the way she deserved to be treated. She had been sad and angry at how behind she had fallen in her courses, but she had known she would get over him.
Kayla wasn’t sure if she was ever going to get over Tristen. Especially if she was going to raise his child.
“Mine too,” Kayla whispered.
That thought saved her during the night of restless sleep and fitful snacking. It wasn’t just his child. It was hers as well, and Kayla always took care of her own.
When she woke up on Sunday morning, the sun was shining bright and strong through her window. Kayla blinked and turned away from the glare.
She grabbed her phone from her bed stand and saw that it was almost 11. She also had a dozen text messages from Tristen.
The first few were apologies. The next were repeated requests to talk more.
Kayla shoved her phone away and stormed into the kitchen.
What more did he have t
o say? Was he going to accidentally tell her parents about her pregnancy as well?
And she didn’t need or want his apologies. She just wanted him to grow up enough to help her.
She could barely admit it to herself, but she also wanted him to love her. To tell her that she was the one.
That was too much to expect though. She knew how she felt about him. She had wanted to express her love before the pregnancy, and she knew her love was strong the moment she lost him. But she couldn’t expect him to feel the same way after so short a relationship.
Kayla’s stomach felt queasy again, no thanks to all the take-out and snacks, so she made herself some plain toast for breakfast.
As she was finishing her meal, the phone rang.
It was Tristen.
Kayla chewed her toast with stubborn determination. She refused to pick up.
She would only start crying if she had to talk to him. She was shocked that she even made it through the conversation the other day. It must have been adrenaline or pregnancy hormones surging to the defensive.
Kayla had read an article once about how people in extreme circumstances would discover depths of strength they didn’t know they had. A young girl trying to save her mother in a burning building, for example, was able to lift a massive beam off her mother’s leg. Such a feat should have been impossible, but in dire scenarios, the human body found a way.
Of course, Kayla’s life hadn’t been threatened, but the other day she had been faced with choices. She was the one who had to act without hesitation. She had to decide what she was going to do. And somehow, she had found the strength to make the decisions and then communicate her choices to Tristen without breaking down during his less-than-stellar reaction.
She had a baby inside her. That was her new priority. She cared about Tristen, and she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but she couldn’t. She had to protect the baby. She had to act in the baby’s best interests, and that meant keeping Tristen at arms length.
She had the strength to do that. She could feel her desire to protect the baby coursing through her.
