by Elias Taylor
But it still made her sad. Just the idea of never talking to Tristen again, or never holding him in her arms, or never seeing him look at her in his special way made tears spring to Kayla’s eyes.
Sobs wracked her body, and she crawled back into bed without even cleaning her dish from breakfast.
She knew it was the height of weakness. She knew it was pathetic. She did it anyway.
She just needed time to wallow for a bit. Then she would pull herself together, like she always did.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Future
Tristen was devastated. He had spent all of Friday night sipping a beer and staring blankly at his apartment wall.
He had planned to get thoroughly drunk, but he never made it past the first beer, so consumed was he by thoughts of Kayla and the baby. Or the baby-to-be. The cluster of cells that would become a baby. His baby. Kayla’s baby.
It was all so disorienting that he couldn’t even do a drunken night properly.
He had acted like an idiot. When she had told him she was pregnant, he had been a stammering fool. She had been calm and sensible, and she had explained how it happened, how it was hardly her fault. If it was anyone’s fault, it was him. He had made her go out with him. He had failed to use a condom.
Instead of listening to her and remaining calm, Tristen had behaved as if their baby was a total disaster. He had rushed her out of the office and let his panic determine his actions.
The baby wasn’t a disaster. He was panicked about the whole thing, but he didn’t think it was a disaster.
In fact, the more Tristen thought about it, the more he felt saddened by how quickly he had estranged himself from the entire scenario. He wanted to be by Kayla’s side, comforting her through the morning sickness and helping her make plans.
Although, it wasn’t just morning sickness. It wasn’t just plans. It was a full-blown baby. Tristen was still panicky at the thought.
Most of all, Tristen kept thinking about how Kayla had come to him. She had decided to tell him right away. she could have kept it secret. She was probably scared to break the news. She had been sick all day, and yet she still went to his office so she could tell him the truth face to face.
Tristen had answered her bravery with cowardice. Tristen had driven her away. He had made mistake after mistake.
And he would never forgive himself for telling David, of all people. Tristen had never been baby-crazy, that was true, but even he knew you weren’t supposed to make a pregnancy public until after three months. His cousin had suffered a miscarriage a few years ago, and he remembered how only the close family had known. He remembered his mother shaking her head in sadness and reminding him not to talk about it. Some things were too tragic for words. And then a year later, his cousin had gotten pregnant again and not told anyone until after her fifth month, just in case.
So yes, Tristen was a guy, but he still should have known. Kayla was only five weeks pregnant if she was right about it happening the night of the work event. It was way too soon to make it public.
Tristen agonized all Friday night. On Saturday, he woke up and was so at sea that he decided to get a head start on work.
He opened up his laptop and started organizing his calendar and researching some clients. The work helped. While he worked, he could put his mind into a robotic mode.
He could think about the data and nothing else. He could focus on composing the perfect email. He could analyze how to heighten his productivity in the upcoming week.
Now and then, Tristen would pause and let his mind wander. The same question kept popping into his head: what was it all for?
About a year ago, Tristen had told himself that he needed to work harder. He needed to pull ahead and rise above his usual mediocrity. It was all for his future family. He wanted to provide a nice life for his wife and children, down the road.
This future family was always blurry in Tristen’s head. He could never picture his wife or his kids, but he knew he wanted them, and he knew he wanted to give them the life they deserved. He wanted the whole shebang. The nice house, the picket fence, the big kitchen, the sports after school. When Tristen imagined his weekends ten or fifteen years down the road, he imagined taking his kid to a rec league soccer game, watching from the sidelines and sipping coffee with his wife, and then eating out for lunch.
Tristen had never decided when exactly he was going to start this family. He hadn’t been looking to date anyone seriously. He had not even considered long term relationships. He had, perhaps ignorantly, not considered the necessary steps between where he was and where he wanted to be in ten years.
And now, it would seem, that the future had arrived. He could have a family. Kayla, the girl of his dreams and the ideal life partner, was right in front of him. She was pregnant. Before, he only had a vague idea of what his child might look like, or when a child might arrive. Now it could be real. It was flesh and blood.
That great family was within Tristen’s reach. It was all right there.
Instead of accepting this family, instead of celebrating this momentous life milestone, Tristen was working without aim. He was plugging away at his job and forgetting his purpose.
Working without a driving purpose was horrible. Tristen didn’t need to be told that. He already knew that if he continued to work with no propose, his productivity would take a steep plunge.
He kept working anyway because he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know how to fix everything that he had messed up. He didn’t want to replay the scene from the day before. He couldn’t bear to remember Kayla’s face after she had told him.
Tristen might have been mistaken, but in the moment after she announced she was pregnant, he had seen something in her eyes. There was fear and hesitance, but there was also hope. She had hoped he would be there for her. A small part of her had believed in him.
Tristen had let her down. Her hope had been in vain. He wasn’t the man she needed.
After several hours of work, Tristen lay on his couch and alternated between napping and staring into space.
As darkness fell, Tristen sank into a deep sleep. He dreamed of a family house with a big yard and a white picket fence.
In the dream, he was driving home from work. He pulled into the driveway and got out of the car.
The house had a big green door. When Tristen walked inside, he saw a woman in the kitchen, helping children with homework. Tristen knew it was his turn to cook dinner.
The woman was wearing grey slacks and a nice blazer. She had come from her job as well, but she didn’t look tired or haggard. She seemed happy.
Tristen didn’t say a word as he stepped into the house. His dream self just drifted towards the woman and the children. He could only see their backs until the woman turned around.
It was Kayla. Her serious face cracked into a small smile at something a child had said. The sleeves of her blazer rolled up after a long day.
When she saw him, she froze. Her smile vanished, and her face turned cold.
“What are you doing here?” she asked. “Get out of my house.”
Tristen jolted awake. His neck ached from sleeping in a strange position on the couch. He checked his watch and saw that it was three in the morning. In a daze, he got up and slumped to his bed.
He was rattled by the dream. It had felt so real. The thought of a life in which Kayla raised her children without him, in which she moved on, and he was left behind, was terrifying.
But it would happen. If Tristen didn’t do something soon, then Kayla wouldn’t hesitate to cut him off. She would do what she had to. Kayla was ambition, and Kayla was a winner. She knew what a weak link looked like. And if she decided that Tristen was the weak link, she would delete him with calm deliberation. It wasn’t because she was heartless, it was because she did care. She cared about the child inside her, and she cared about her future, so she would do what was necessary.
Unless Tristen could fix things.
He drifted back to sleep, s
till unaware of how he could fix things. He couldn’t go back in time and have a better reaction to the life-changing news, so how could he make everything better?
All he knew was that it felt wrong to sleep without her. They had shared a bed every night for the last few weeks. Tristen had gotten used to that. Sleeping without her was like suddenly losing a limb.
When Tristen woke up again, several hours later, he knew he couldn’t afford to not take action. So he texted Kayla saying sorry and asking if they could talk. Then he called her a few times, but she didn’t pick up.
He hadn’t expected her to. Text messages and phone calls were not exactly going to prove anything or show Kayla that he could be better than he had been.
At a loss, Tristen put on his black biker boots and headed out. He couldn’t stay cooped up in his apartment any longer. He needed a ride to clear his head.
He rode along the coast and reminisced about his first real date with Kayla. How she had been so reluctant, but once he got her on the bike and to the beach, she had loosened up bit by bit. It had been so simple and easy. Could it be simple again? Could this be as straightforward as it seemed?
A child wasn’t simple. A new baby was never straight-forward. But Kayla. Tristen knew he cared about Kayla, and he knew they had a connection. And that was worth fighting for, even with all the added complications.
After his ride, Tristen headed towards the local bar that many members of the club liked to hang out at. He thought it might be nice to have a beer and chat. Drinking alone wasn’t solving his issues.
When he arrived, he saw that a few older guys were hanging out at the bar. Tristen nodded in greeting and sat down next to Fiend, a guy who had been part of the club for decades. Tristen didn’t know him well, but they had gone on a group ride up the coast a few summers ago.
Fiend had a grumpy exterior, but Tristen knew he was a good guy.
“Hey, lemme get you a beer,” Fiend said as soon as Tristen sat down.
“Thanks, old man,” Tristen said.
Fiend rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his grey hair.
“Don’t tease,” Fiend said.
Once Tristen had a beer in front of him, he asked how Fiend was.
“I’m good,” Fiend said. “Wife is on me to clean up the yard, so I figured I would get a beer or two in me before starting.”
Tristen smiled.
“Something eating you, son?” Fiend asked. “I never see you here on a Sunday afternoon.”
Tristen gave Fiend a sheepish grin and shrugged.
“I’m in a bit of trouble actually,” Tristen said.
“Legal trouble or girl trouble?” Fiend said. “I know it’s gotta be one or the other.”
Tristen raised his eyebrows. He was impressed by Fiend’s clever instincts.
“Girl trouble,” Tristen said. “My girlfriend is pregnant.”
Fiend let out a low whistle.
“Damn, you knocked a girl up?”
“No,” Tristen said. “I mean, yes, but she’s amazing, and I care about her, and she’s everything I’ve ever wanted, but we didn’t plan this. It’s all so sudden.”
Fiend paused and took a swig of his beer. He drummed his fingers on the table, and then looked Tristen dead in the eye.
“Frankly, I don’t really see the problem,” Fiend said.
Tristen gaped at the older biker.
“You have a nice corporate job, right?” Fiend asked. “And you’re an adult, it’s not like you’re sixteen.”
Tristen frowned. It all sounded so black and white when Fiend put it like that.
“Yes, but it wasn’t planned,” Tristen said.
“What is planned?” Fiend said. “Lots of things in life aren’t planned. Some of the best things aren’t planned.”
Tristen stared at his drink.
“I just don’t know how to be a father,” Tristen said.
Fiend nodded.
“I panicked too before my first kid,” Fiend said. “Then I realized that no one knows how to be a parent, it’s something you have to learn by doing.”
“But I messed up already,” Tristen said. “She told me she was pregnant, and I freaked. I just froze, and she walked away because I was such a mess.”
Fiend gave Tristen a cold look. Tristen was certain that he was going to lecture him on being a coward. Instead, Fiend just shook his head and smiled.
“What was that, just a day or two ago?” Fiend asked. “Trust me, that’s not messing up. When you’re raising a kid together, there are going to be so many other missteps, but that’s ok as long as you stick together. As long as you help each other out, it’s always alright in the end.”
“I just don’t even know if she wants my help anymore,” Tristen said.
Fiend thought for a minute, and Tristen waited for the older guy’s next piece of advice as if his life depended on it.
“Look, mothers can be protective and defensive,” Fiend said. “They have to be, it’s part of their natural instincts. She’s not gonna let you in unless you show her that you’re ready to commit to the whole thing.”
“Ok, so I should go to her and tell her I’m ready?” Tristen asked.
Fiend wrinkled his nose in disgust.
“Boy, trust me, she doesn’t want 50% of you,” Fiend said. “She wants all of you or nothing. There’s nothing worse than a part-time father. If you’re 100% in, you have to show her that you’re 100% in.”
Tristen was all in. He knew he was. It was all so clear hearing Fiend lay it out.
“Well, how do I show her that?” Tristen asked.
Fiend scoffed and waved his hand.
“I can’t do everything for you,” Fiend said. “It’s not my girl, not my baby.”
“Ok, ok,” Tristen said. “That’s fair.”
For the first time in days, a genuine smile spread across Tristen’s face. He started to get up, and Fiend grabbed his arm to pull him back down.
“Whoah, now, don’t leave a half-empty beer,” Fiend said. “Finish your drink and then you can get to romancing.”
Tristen shrugged and sat back down. He figured it was the least he could do for Fiend. The wise biker had helped Tristen sort through everything.
Kayla didn’t need him to be perfect. She needed him to be there.
He had to show her that he could be there. He had to make Kayla think about all the good things. If she could just think of how well they connected, how amazing the last few weeks had been, she might have more faith in him as a father.
Tristen finished his drink with Fiend, thanked the biker, and headed out. He started to make a list in his head of everything he would need. It might not work, but that was ok. Tristen would try another plan. He would try and try until he got Kayla to give him another chance.
A baby might not have been part of the plan, but falling in love with Kayla hadn’t been part of his silly fake engagement plan either. It had happened anyway, and Tristen didn’t regret it at all. No matter the unexpected twists and turns, if Kayla was by his side, he knew his life would make sense. His life would have purpose. He wouldn’t be working towards a vague idea of the future; he would be working for his reality.
Tristen hopped on his bike and made a beeline for his apartment.
He had a lot to do before the next day.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Interruption
Kayla ran her hand over her damp face and reminded herself to stay calm. Just because she was acutely aware of how nauseous she felt didn't mean that everyone in the office knew about her pregnancy.
Most of her co-workers were guys. They probably had no clue about the early signs of pregnancy.
She dreaded the day she would have to go public with her condition. All her male colleagues would treat her different, and none of them would understand.
Plus, Kayla didn’t know how she was ever going to endure the questions. Even if people were too polite to ask, she knew everyone would be wondering who the father was and why he wasn’t around.
Kayla sighed and fanned her face with her hand. She was a little more used to the ebb and flow of morning sickness. She had thrown up once, before work, and she was pretty sure she would be fine for the rest of the day.
She just had to go through the motions. She was going to work and behave as if nothing were different. No one was going to be able to say that Kayla Carpenter started turning in subpar work because she got pregnant.
It wasn’t as bad as she had thought. She had feared that she would be too sad and emotional to get to work on Monday morning, but when she woke up, she discovered that she was craving something, anything, to take her mind off Tristen.
She didn’t have all the answers. She didn’t know exactly how she was going to approach maternity leave and finding a bigger place to live. But she still knew how to do her job and do it well. She could still get to her desk on time. That was a small comfort, but still a comfort.
Kayla hadn’t talked to anyone except Cleo about the pregnancy. she decided she could only handle breaking the news to one person every few days. First was Cleo, then Tristen. After a week of recovering from those revelations, she might tell her parents.
Or not.
Kayla figured that with some creative styling and wardrobe choices, she could hide a pregnancy up into the sixth or seventh month.
She had tried to resign herself to single motherhood. She had told herself over and over that Tristen wasn’t going to support her like she wanted, she had to cut him loose. Nonetheless, she kept imagining how nice it would be to hold Tristen’s hand while she told her parents. To have him smiling down at her when she shared the news.
That kind of daydream was useless. Kayla shook it away and reminded herself to focus on work.
She finished up her tasks for the morning and headed to the office kitchen to grab some water. She had cut her coffee intake and substituted water. It made her a bit tired, but Kayla wasn’t going to do pregnancy half-way. She was going to do it right.
During lunch, she saw that she had another text from Cleo asking if she was alright. Kayla texted back that she was fine and at work. Cleo wanted to know if she could grab anything from the store and drop it off with Kayla in the evening. Kayla smiled and shook her head. Cleo was determined to be a stand-in husband for Kayla, and it was very touching.
