Catch Me If I Fall

by Barry Jonsberg

  Aiden didn’t flinch and his expression didn’t change. He listened until all my words had dried up. Then he reached out a hand and brushed away a tear from my cheek.

  ‘Wait here for me, Ash,’ he said. ‘Please.’

  And he walked away. Not towards Xena and the others but towards a rotting bench on the edge of the clearing. In the Sydney of old, people would’ve sat there, enjoying the day, enjoying the trees and the way sunshine filtered through leaves. Now Aiden sat, back straight, head not moving, as if carved from the same wood.

  I waited. I waited for an hour. My legs were trembling but I didn’t want to sit on the grass, and not just because it was still wet from the storm. I wanted to be solid for Aiden. Unmoving. There. Never flinching.

  Finally, he stood and walked back. I still couldn’t read anything in his expression.

  ‘Call Dad over,’ he said. ‘I want to talk to him.’

  I turned. Dad was sitting against the entrance wall, almost exactly where Xena had sat all that time ago. I waved and he stood. He walked slowly towards us, like someone approaching the unknown. Careful. Scared. Dad stopped a couple of steps away. His mouth opened and then it closed. I imagine he’d searched his brain for a suitable greeting but had come up with nothing. I was glad.

  Aiden reached into his pocket, pulled out his tablet and unfolded it. He punched in a command and then handed it to Dad.

  ‘I need to talk to both of you,’ he said.

  Mum’s face appeared on the screen. Dad held it so we could see. In fact he held it so his face and Mum’s were pretty much side by side. Maybe he was relieved that Mum was there. She was always better with words. Now he didn’t have to bother. I took a step to stand next to my brother. If Mum was surprised by what she saw, she didn’t give anything away.

  ‘Hello, Aiden,’ she said.

  ‘Hello, Mum.’

  ‘Ashleigh has told you, I assume?’

  Aiden nodded.

  ‘Okay, Aiden. I want you to listen very carefully to what I’m about to say.’ Mum’s voice. Patient. Reasonable. ‘You have always been very logical, so I want you to think through all the implications of the situation we find ourselves in. I did not want this to happen. I imagined us all growing old together as a family. You wouldn’t have been able to have children, obviously. But Ashleigh could. I had a vision of us all, three generations, looking out for each other. Protecting each other. It was really that simple.’

  ‘Not so simple now,’ said Aiden.

  Mum nodded. ‘Not simple at all. And I confess that’s my fault. I didn’t take enough care. I had a vision. Passing on our wealth to you, Ashleigh and maybe her future partner and child. I did it all for love.’

  ‘Did you love me, Mamma?’ Aiden’s voice, still calm. ‘Am I alive and did you love me?’

  For the briefest moment, Mum’s composure cracked and slid. Her mouth twisted and I thought I saw pain and the faintest shimmer of tears in her eyes. Then she shuddered and glanced down, and when she lifted her face to the screen once more she was calm, her eyes dry. I thought I’d seen something buried within, struggling to find the surface, but it might have been my imagination. Her voice didn’t waver when she replied.

  ‘You’re a machine, Aiden. You were never alive.’

  I was desperate to say something, but I bit my tongue. This was between them and I had no right to speak. But I had to hand it to my mother. She wasn’t going to sugarcoat anything, say stuff just to make anyone feel good. Maybe including herself. It was almost admirable. Almost. But she’d avoided one question.

  ‘So you aren’t going to kill me, is that right?’ said Aiden. ‘Just shut me down. Because you can’t kill something that isn’t alive.’

  ‘That’s correct.’

  ‘You didn’t answer my first question. Did you ever love me?’

  ‘I did.’ I’d almost forgotten Dad was still there. Mum’s face and the intensity of her words had made him fade into the background. It often happened like that. ‘And I still do,’ he continued. ‘I love you, Aiden.’

  My brother nodded. Mum stayed silent.

  ‘Do you know something?’ I said. ‘I look from you, Mum, to my brother and I think I know which one is the machine.’

  She didn’t say anything to that. Instead she fixed her eyes on Aiden once more.

  ‘If you ever loved Ashleigh, Aiden, you will hand yourself over to me. You may not know it, you may not feel it, but you are out of control. Your mind is behaving in ways that were never intended. Left unchecked, you are a danger not just to Ash, but to everyone. I want you to think carefully about this and make the right decision. It’s just logic, Aiden. Put emotions to one side for a moment. Think this through.’

  ‘I’m thinking,’ said Aiden.

  ‘I will track you down,’ Mum continued. ‘If you don’t do the right thing, I will have to find you and make you do it. You know me, Aiden. I don’t say I will do something if I can’t. I have resources. You’re on your own.’

  ‘He’s not on his own,’ I said.

  ‘No,’ said Mum. ‘You have Ashleigh and my husband on your side, apparently. That’s not going to be enough. I have the means and I will find you.’

  ‘I believe you,’ said Aiden. ‘You always kept your promises, Mamma. Goodbye.’ And he turned and walked away.

  I ran after him.

  ‘Aiden,’ I said. ‘I’m coming with you. I’ll just get your tablet back and then I’ll come with you.’

  ‘I don’t want the tablet,’ said Aiden. He stopped walking. ‘It’s not really going to be much use to me.’ He cupped my face in his hands. ‘And you can’t come with me, Ash. She’s right about a few things. I have always protected you and the only way I can do that now is to ask you to go back home with Dad. He needs you and he’ll look after you. Where I’m going, you’ll just be something else I have to worry about.’

  I stamped my feet. It was childish, but it felt good.

  ‘Can everyone stop being so freaking logical?’ I asked. ‘Just for one moment. I am coming with you. You’re my brother.’

  He gave a half-smile, examined my face. Then he nodded.

  ‘One night, Ashleigh. Promise me that tomorrow you’ll go home. If you can’t do that, then I’ll just run away, here and now. You’ll never be able to catch me.’

  ‘No,’ I replied. ‘I couldn’t. But that wouldn’t stop me trying. And then I’d be all alone in Sydney with no one to protect me. And then you’d have to come back. So admit defeat, Aiden. You were never as smart as me.’

  There was that hint of a smile again.

  ‘One night, Ash. Promise.’

  I looked into his eyes and for a moment thought I saw the speed with which his thoughts were turning. I didn’t think he needed me anymore. But I needed him, and I had to take whatever I could.

  ‘I promise.’

  I ran back to Dad.

  ‘Have the car wait for me here at ten o’clock tomorrow morning,’ I said. He’d shut down Aiden’s tablet. I handed him mine. ‘Just so no one gets in touch,’ I said. Just so no one can track my whereabouts, I thought. ‘I’m spending time with my brother. Your son.’

  And Dad just nodded. Smiled and put a hand to my cheek.

  ‘Take care,’ he said. ‘Both of you.’

  ‘I’ll tell Mum you couldn’t stop me,’ I said.

  ‘That’s okay,’ he said. ‘I think it’s time I told her some things of my own.’

  17

  Xena passed Zorro over to Aiden and then fell into step with me.

  ‘Can’t get rid of you guys,’ she said. ‘No offence, but you’re like a bad smell.’

  ‘Thank you for helping my brother,’ I replied.

  She laughed. ‘Hey. An accident. We’re going through an underpass after the storm and found this shivering … mess in a yellow dress, of all things. Holding a dog. I felt bad for the dog, not for the mess in the dress. I’d’ve just taken the dog but I couldn’t split him from the freak in yellow, so no choice. Amazing how
they perked up after a spell in front of a fire. Even tried to feed ’em, but I guess they weren’t hungry.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  We walked in silence for a couple of minutes. The park was behind us now and we were travelling through deserted streets. Aiden walked ahead, chatting with Ziggy. They seemed to have forgotten their differences, judging by the way Ziggy was smiling at something Aiden was saying.

  ‘Where are we going?’ I asked.

  ‘Headquarters,’ said Xena. ‘A house a few streets away.’

  ‘Headquarters of what?’

  Xena looked at me, shook her head and smiled.

  ‘I’d forgotten you don’t know nothing,’ she said. ‘The rich kid. Why should you know? Tell me something, princess …’

  ‘Stop calling me that,’ I said, ‘or I’ll punch your lights out. My name is Ashleigh.’

  She stopped and laughed. She laughed so hard that she had to bend over double. Everyone stopped and looked back at her. It took a minute for her to recover and when she did, she waved a hand at the group. We started moving again.

  ‘Sorry, Ashleigh,’ said Xena, still smiling. ‘Us women shouldn’t put each other down. We’ve got enough problems with men doing it. Anyway, I was goin’ to ask. What’s your place like, eh? Tell me about where you live.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

  ‘Big place, I reckon. Lotsa security. Your own gardens, so you grow craploads of veggies. Solar sail covering the roof – am I right? Plenty of shade and plenty of electricity. Maybe you sell some of the juice you can’t use to any poor people around. If you’ve got any poor people around.’

  ‘No underprivileged people around us,’ I said. ‘And you forgot our swimming pool. But, other than that …’

  Xena stopped and whistled.

  ‘A pool? Wow. We hit the motherlode with you guys. Maybe I should take Ziggy’s advice. Ransom you, not your brother there. Can’t imagine he’s keen to go home since he ran away in a yellow dress. What ya reckon your folks would pay to get you back, Ashleigh?’

  ‘More than you can imagine,’ I said.

  ‘Doubt it,’ said Xena. ‘I’ve got a helluvan imagination.’

  ‘So you’ve got me stereotyped,’ I said. ‘What about you? Dirty. Will kill anything that moves. Not bothered about improving the world, just taking what you can. Am I close?’

  She laughed again. Xena laughed a lot, I was beginning to realise.

  ‘Pretty close,’ she replied. ‘Dirty, yup. Kill anything that moves, nah. You’re still here. For now. Taking what we can, sure. No one gives us anything, prin … Ashleigh. What we got, we’ve had to get ourselves.’

  ‘Headquarters?’ We seemed to have moved away from the topic.

  ‘Ah, yeah. Now, no offence, but I’m gonna assume you know nothing, okay?’

  ‘Assume away.’

  ‘Right. So there’re three sections to society. Four, if you count the poor wandering buggers who’re even worse off than us. The top band – people like you. The ones with wealth and power. In control. The kind of people who screwed over the planet in the first place and then, when it all turned to crap, kept control anyway.’

  ‘But …’

  Xena held up her hand.

  ‘Second, the people who work for those of you in the top band, keeping you safe and comfortable and, most importantly, still in power. The doctors, the nurses, the scientists, the teachers, the builders. But most of all, the security. Eighty per cent of people with jobs work in the security area. Did you know that?’ She laughed again. ‘Hey, dumb me, huh? Why would you know? That’s all way beneath you.’

  We turned a corner. Everyone appeared to relax a little, as if somehow the environment was safer. I couldn’t see any change from one street to another, but shoulders seemed looser. Kids took their hands from the handles of their knives. They didn’t glance around as much.

  ‘These’re the people,’ Xena continued, ‘who live in the gated settlements. People who live by the laws, who get food delivered to them, who’ve got solar panels for lighting, heating and air conditioning. If they’re lucky, mind. Sometimes those things don’t happen, but what are you gonna do, huh? Who do you complain to? They’re also the people who have one child and that’s it. Pop out one, you get your bits seen to. Their communities are guarded. I mean, seriously guarded.’

  I thought of Charlotte and her parents, working all the hours they could to protect their standing in their community. I imagined my friend poring over her schoolwork for hour upon countless hour, determined not just to protect what she had, but to climb further up the ladder, to become one of the ruling class by dint of willpower, education and a self-discipline I couldn’t begin to comprehend. It wasn’t just ambition that motivated her, I suddenly realised, but also fear. Fear of slipping from their nice house to just another ordinary one in the community and from there to one close to the walls and the warning sirens and from there to outside the gate and therefore beyond protection, becoming …

  Xena snapped her fingers in front of my eyes.

  ‘Earth to Ashleigh,’ she said. ‘Are you receiving me?’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I was thinking about a friend. You were saying? The people in the communities are guarded. They’re guarded from …’

  ‘From us,’ said Xena. ‘The final tier. The outcasts. We’re the ones who don’t fit into the top two levels. The ones who can’t get a job in security. Or choose not to. The ones who’re free to live however we want. So we forage, we barter, we trade for everything, look after our own little … you’d probably call it a tribe. We say family.’

  She pointed to a large house with a massive gate and a high fence surrounding it. It was about a hundred metres ahead on the right of the road.

  ‘Headquarters,’ she said. ‘Where the leaders care for our people. This district is ours. Other districts belong to other families. We defend our territory, they defend theirs. And then, of course, there’re the people who don’t belong anywhere. The wanderers. Now they’re really a worry. Especially if you bump into one on a dark night.’

  ‘This is what you talked to my brother about? That day in the park.’

  ‘Among other things. He wasn’t as … ignorant as you, but he sure had a lot to learn.’

  I nodded. I was beginning to realise that despite my expensive education, maybe because of my expensive education, I knew virtually nothing at all. As if to prove the point, the closer we got to Xena’s Headquarters, the more baffled I became.

  ‘What is that noise and what is that disgusting smell?’ I asked.

  Xena appeared genuinely puzzled.

  ‘That squealing,’ I added. It was like metal scraping along metal, the kind of high-pitched noise that sets your teeth on edge and feels like pain against the temples.

  She laughed. ‘Oh, that noise. That smell. Pigs. Dozens of ’em. We keep ’em round the back. Their crap’s no good for the vegetables, but we compost it down. Couple of months it’s okay to use.’

  ‘You put up with that noise and smell for compost?’

  ‘Nah. We put up with it for bacon.’

  ‘Isn’t bacon a type of meat?’

  Xena laughed again. I was apparently a source of considerable amusement for her and it was getting irritating. ‘Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. OH, YEAH! Only the best meat in the whole freakin’ world.’

  ‘You people eat meat?’ I thought back to Charlotte. She brought beef sandwiches to school, but she didn’t eat them. I think they were fake beef anyway. Like that chicken substitute her mother served us at her house. I suspected Charlotte only did it to impress. If that was the case, I didn’t know anyone who ate meat. Until now.

  ‘What else are you gonna do with it?’ said Xena. ‘Do they teach you nothing at that fancy school? Come on, girl. Let’s go in. I’ll introduce you to Nonna.’

  Ziggy opened a padlock on the front gate and we all trooped through. The house seemed normal, though it could’ve done with a good coat of paint and some of the wood
on the window frames was rotting and flaking. But the smell was making my eyes water, so I couldn’t take in too many details. Xena led me up the porch steps, through the open front door, into a long, dark corridor and then into what was obviously a kitchen. An old, large woman was at a central bench doing something with flour. She looked up, saw us and smiled.

  ‘Who have we here?’ she said. Her accent was strange. I couldn’t place it.

  ‘This here’s Ashleigh,’ said Xena. ‘Sister of the boy we picked up last night. And this here’s Nonna.’

  ‘Pleased to meet you,’ I said.

  ‘And pleased to meet you, Ashleigh,’ said Nonna. She came over and gave me a big hug, which took me by surprise. A cloud of flour exploded behind my back and when she pulled away I sneezed. Nonna laughed. ‘Are you looking to stay with us?’

  ‘Just one night. If that’s all right,’ I said.

  ‘Of course. We’ve no spare beds but if you don’t mind the floor, I’m sure we can find a blanket or two for you.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  She picked up a huge ball of dough and started kneading it on the floury counter. ‘What do you say to pizza for dinner?’ she asked. ‘With tomatoes straight off the vine, onions, home-made goat’s cheese and stacks of ham.’

  I looked to Xena for help, but she just laughed at me.

  ‘I don’t know what ham is,’ I admitted. ‘But, yes. Please. Thank you.’

  ‘Ham’s a rare vegetable,’ said Xena. ‘You’ll love it.’ But she could hardly stop laughing. Nonna frowned and wagged a finger in her direction.

  ‘That is very wrong of you, Lauren, and you know it.’ She turned to me. ‘Ham is a cut of meat from a pig, Ashleigh.’

  ‘I don’t eat meat,’ I said. ‘I think it’s wrong … I mean, I was brought up to think it’s wrong. I don’t mean you …’

  ‘I’ll make you some pizza with just vegetables,’ said Nonna. ‘Take no notice of Lauren’s teasing. Are you okay with cheese, though?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ I said. ‘Thank you, Nonna. And thank you … Lauren.’