Cat Me If You Can

by Miranda James

  “Has anyone seen Celia today?” I asked. Perhaps she had changed her mind at the last minute and decided to stay home. She had appeared to be excited about the trip and the group activities at the last meeting in Athena, though, so I hoped that wasn’t the case.

  “Yes, she was in the dining room earlier,” Elmore Gregory said, “moaning about arthritis or rheumatism. Can’t remember which, poor old girl.” He shook his head.

  Burdine snorted. “Nothing poor about her. I keep telling you, she’s perfectly healthy for her age. She could keep up with you and me on the trail any day, if she’d just get up out of that recliner and move around. Don’t be wasting any sympathy on her.”

  Elmore glowered at his wife. “You’re too hard on her, Burdy. Poor woman all alone like that. And I’d like to know when and where you got your medical training, diagnosing everybody like you do.”

  I uttered silent thanks that Burdine did not deign to respond to this challenge from Elmore; otherwise we would have had to stand there while they argued. My impression of their relationship was that they thrived on conflict with each other. I had known other couples who had a similar dynamic. The arguments kept them invigorated rather than exhausted, as I would have been. Helen Louise and I had quite a different relationship, one based on harmony and mutual love and respect.

  “I wonder if anyone has told Celia where we’ll be meeting,” Helen Louise said to me in an undertone while Johnny Ray chatted with the Gregorys. Once again Zac and Benjy were chatting, apart from the group.

  “Surely Arthur did,” I said. “He impresses me as the type of person who fulfills instructions to the letter. Wouldn’t you say so?”

  Helen Louise nodded. “Yes, and if it weren’t for Miss An’gel, Diesel would have to sleep in the car.”

  I laughed. “Thank goodness for Miss An’gel.”

  “And Miss Dickce,” Helen Louise added. “She’s as formidable in her way as Miss An’gel.”

  “True,” I said. “Especially behind the wheel.”

  Helen Louise snickered. “Benjy told me he insists on driving whenever he’s in the car with her. She scares him to death.”

  “She’d terrify a Formula One racer,” I said, recalling with a shudder the one short car trip I had made with her.

  “She swears that, in over sixty years of driving, she’s never had an accident,” Helen Louise said.

  “I wonder if Miss An’gel would concur,” I said wryly.

  Any further consideration of Miss Dickce’s driving record ended abruptly as the sound of shrill screams penetrated the room.

  Everyone froze momentarily; then in a burst of movement, we all headed for the door at the same time.

  FOUR

  We all managed to get out of the room without trampling one another, but we came to an abrupt halt outside. I tried to determine where the screams had come from.

  They started again, then suddenly choked off. The sound lasted long enough, however, to indicate the place of origin. Up the main staircase on the second floor. Zac and Benjy reacted more quickly than anyone else and bounded up the stairs two or three at a time.

  Helen Louise and I followed more carefully, one step at a time. From behind me I heard Johnny Ray Floyd insisting to the Gregorys that the three of them should remain downstairs, and I silently blessed him for that.

  Helen Louise and I found Zac and Benjy in the doorway of the guest room closest to the landing. They moved into the room as we approached. The occupant turned out to be Celia Bernardi and she had apparently found Cora asleep in a chair. Having thought the maid was dead, as she now explained to Zac and Benjy, she had screamed. The screams woke Cora, and her resulting movements startled Celia so much that she screamed again before Cora could reassure her that she was perfectly all right.

  Celia suddenly collapsed toward Benjy, who stood nearest her, and he managed to catch her before she fell to the floor. With Zac’s assistance, Benjy maneuvered the now swooning woman to the chair vacated by Cora, who stood looking worried near the door into the hall. Helen Louise suggested that I get Celia a glass of water, and I hurried into the bathroom.

  I returned moments later and found Celia coming to, with Helen Louise chafing her hands. Helen Louise took the glass of water and held it to the woman’s lips. She told Celia to have a sip, and the woman complied. The color had returned to Celia’s face, and she appeared to be mostly recovered. Benjy and Zac indicated that they would be downstairs, and I nodded as they made their escape.

  Cora, after one last muttered apology, hurried after the young men. I knew little about narcolepsy, but it seemed to me that Cora’s case could be a severe one, if she dropped off every time she sat down on the job. If she kept startling guests this way, I would expect the owner of the hotel might rethink the decision to hire her. She might be an exceptionally competent maid, but this might not be the best working environment for her.

  “I feel such a fool,” Celia said wearily as she handed the empty glass to Helen Louise.

  “Why on earth should you?” Helen Louise said in a tone of surprise. “Neither Charlie nor I screamed when we found Cora asleep on the sofa in our room, but I can tell you I was hard-pressed not to.”

  A weak smile rewarded Helen Louise’s statement. “Thank you, my dear.” Celia’s eyes held a momentary twinkle as she looked up at me. “I should think by now Charlie at least would be used to stumbling over corpses.”

  “I never expect to find one,” I said, my tone a bit stiff. “And actually I haven’t found that many dead bodies, although I have assisted in several murder investigations.”

  “I see.” Celia regarded me with what I interpreted as a skeptical mien. “That’s as may be, but I’d be perfectly happy for you not to find one this week. I don’t think my nerves could stand the real thing, after the fright I’ve had with a pretend corpse.”

  “Can we get you anything before we go?” Helen Louise said, and I silently blessed her. I wanted to get out of Celia’s room before she made any other remarks about my sleuthing. She always managed to annoy me. I shouldn’t have let her get to me, but I’d known her for years. She had been a friend of my mother’s, though considerably younger. Even when my mother was still alive, Celia had a gift for poking at a sore spot.

  “No, thank you,” Celia said. “I’m quite recovered now. You could tell me, however, are An’gel and Dickce here?”

  “They’ve gone to visit friends,” I said. “They’ll be back in time for the group gathering this evening at seven downstairs.” I described the location of the room, and Celia nodded.

  “Thank you,” she said when I finished. “Now, I’m sure you have far better things to do than minister to my needs.”

  Resisting the urge to respond with a tart You bet we do, I simply nodded, and Helen Louise smiled. We left her to her own devices.

  In the hall outside, I paused to ask Helen Louise what she’d like to do next, after ascertaining that none of the group was waiting for us. A quick look down the stairs assured me that they hadn’t lingered there for us.

  “I’d like to go to the room and relax for a while,” Helen Louise said.

  “Same here.” We headed for our room. “I know Diesel will be delighted to have us back with him. I don’t really like leaving him completely alone, even with the television on, for too long at a time.”

  Diesel was sitting right inside the door when we walked into the room. He glared up at me and warbled several times.

  “Yes, I know,” I said, my tone apologetic. “We didn’t mean to leave you all by yourself for quite this long.” I rubbed his head, and Helen Louise stroked his back. That appeased him, and he ambled over to the sofa with us, stretching out across our laps after we seated ourselves. Helen Louise got his head in her lap, while I got the legs and the huge fluffy tail that twitched in my face.

  “I hope you’re happy now,” I told the cat. He meowed,
shifted onto his back, and gazed up at Helen Louise. She stroked his belly, and he began to purr.

  “He’s exacting penance from us, you know,” Helen Louise said with a snort of laughter.

  “And we’re being penitent enough to let him get away with it,” I replied.

  After a minute or so of this treatment, Diesel tired of it and shifted his position again so that he lay on his side across our laps. He closed his eyes and appeared to go to sleep.

  Helen Louise and I stared at each other. I shrugged. I was comfortable as I was, and she indicated that she was, too. At least for now, I thought.

  “This is definitely an interesting group you’ve got,” Helen Louise said. “I wonder how we’re all going to get along, spending so much time together this week.”

  “I haven’t the foggiest,” I said. “At some point I might be tempted to glue Burdine’s lips together to keep her quiet.”

  Helen Louise giggled. “Charlie, that’s terrible. But I understand how you feel. She and Elmore bicker like some people breathe, I swear.”

  My mind had already shifted to another member of the group. “Did you notice the way that Zac seemed to glom onto Benjy? They seemed to really hit it off.”

  “Well, I’m fairly certain Zac is gay,” Helen Louise said. “He may well be attracted to Benjy. I haven’t thought about this until now, but I don’t think Benjy has really decided exactly what he is yet. He’s a smart young man, and he’ll figure it all out when he’s ready. Miss An’gel and Miss Dickce will support him, no matter what.”

  “Now that he’s going to Athena College,” I said, “he’s getting plenty of exposure to others his age through his classes. That should help him a lot.”

  “True,” Helen Louise said, “but I’ve sometimes sensed there is a part of Benjy that always holds back. He seems to observe most of the time, rather than to participate.” She shook her head. “Pay no mind to me. It’s probably just my imagination.”

  “No, I think you’re right,” I said after thinking about what she’d said for a moment. “Benjy’s experiences have taught him to be cautious, I reckon, but I think Miss An’gel and Miss Dickce are doing a great job with him. Miss Dickce adores him, and he adores her.”

  “We strayed from the point a bit,” Helen Louise said. “Zac might be interested in Benjy—he’s a handsome young man. But Benjy will have to sort that out himself. Right now I’m really curious about that scene we interrupted between Zac and Ellie Arnold. What was that all about?”

  “She called him a little rat, didn’t she?”

  “When a woman calls a man a rat,” Helen Louise said, one eyebrow arched, “that usually means he’s done her wrong.”

  “Romantically?” I asked, interested.

  Helen Louise nodded. “Usually. I don’t know Ellie well, but given what I know of Zac, and given whom I’ve seen Zac with, I don’t see a romantic connection at all. That’s why it puzzles me.”

  “Maybe Ellie fell for Zac, not realizing he’s probably not interested in women,” I said.

  “Possibly,” Helen Louise said, “but that doesn’t always deter a woman. There are still women around who think they can change men.”

  I chuckled, remembering a few of the stories Stewart Delacorte, who along with his partner, Haskell Bates, occupied a suite of rooms on the third floor of my house, had told me about his own experiences.

  “What’s so funny?” Helen Louise asked.

  “Oh, thinking about Stewart. He told me a few stories about women who tried to change him,” I said. “Back to Ellie and Zac, however. Do you really think that argument was about a relationship gone wrong?”

  Helen Louise shrugged. “It could be all in her head, of course. I was simply explaining the context in which I think women usually call men a rat.”

  “Good to know,” I said. “I hope that Ellie won’t make difficulties this week over whatever the issue is between them.”

  “Ditto for Zac,” Helen Louise said, a sharp note in her voice. “It isn’t only women who make difficulties, you know.”

  “I do. I’m sorry,” I said.

  Diesel meowed loudly and began to stir. He squirmed around until he sat between us on the sofa. He yawned before he put a paw on my leg.

  “What do you think he wants?” Helen Louise asked.

  “I think he wants to go for a w-a-l-k,” I replied.

  Diesel chirped happily, and I shot Helen Louise a rueful grin.

  “He even knows what it is when I spell it,” I said. “He’s used to going outside most days, so I should probably take him down to the garden and let him sniff around.”

  More warbling convinced me that was indeed the thing to do.

  Helen Louise chuckled and stroked the cat’s head while I retrieved his harness and leash. Diesel behaved well most of the time, but in strange surroundings I thought it best to make sure he was safely tethered to me. He was a beautiful animal, and I didn’t want to take any chances that someone might try to steal him or hurt him.

  “Let me visit the powder room,” Helen Louise said as she rose from the sofa, “and I’ll go with you. We can come back afterward and have a snooze.”

  “Sure.” By the time she returned, I had Diesel harnessed and ready to go.

  Instead of taking the elevator, we decided to walk down the stairs. Diesel looked about as we walked, occasionally pausing to sniff the carpet and often making the muttering sound that never failed to amuse me. He sounded like an elderly man grumbling about the state of the world.

  As we neared the head of the stairs, ready to start down, I could hear loud voices emanating from somewhere below us. Helen Louise and I exchanged startled glances. “What now?” I said.

  “Heaven only knows,” Helen Louise replied. “Maybe Cora has frightened yet another guest.”

  When we reached the bottom of the stairs, we could see that the source of the argument was a man in his late forties who faced Arthur across the reception desk. At the moment the stranger simply stood and glared at the clerk, and Arthur stared back at him.

  “As I have informed you,” Arthur said in the tone that signals the speaker is about to lose his temper, “every single room is booked this week by a group, even though we do have empty rooms. We can’t possibly give you a room without the permission of the group leaders.”

  “I know about the group,” the stranger replied, his tone a match for Arthur’s. “That’s what I keep telling you.”

  “And I keep telling you your name isn’t on the list. There’s no mention of a Denis Kilbride anywhere.”

  Denis Kilbride drew a deep breath himself. “Then that’s my fiancée’s fault. She’s always careless about details. Get on that phone and call Ellie Arnold and let her know I’m here.”

  FIVE

  So Ellie Arnold was engaged to be married. In the group’s meetings she rarely shared anything personal, so this news came as a surprise, at least to me.

  Helen Louise, Diesel, and I had paused at the foot of the stairs, not wanting to intrude, but now Kilbride caught sight of us. I didn’t really know the man, but I recognized him as a prominent businessman in Athena who owned significant rental properties in town. I had also occasionally seen him in Helen Louise’s bistro, and she had once or twice mentioned that he had hired her to cater a few meetings for him.

  Seeing Helen Louise, he came forward with a smile and an outstretched hand. “Helen Louise, great to see you. Ellie didn’t tell me you would be here.” He glanced at me. “I know you must be Charlie Harris, and that is Diesel.” After shaking my hand, he extended his fingers to the cat.

  Diesel gave his fingers a cautious sniff, then meowed. “He’s quite a cat,” Kilbride said. “I don’t envy you your cat food bill.” He laughed, and I smiled politely.

  “Mr. Kilbride.” Arthur motioned for him to approach the desk again.

  “Excuse me,
” Kilbride said as he turned away and walked back to the reception desk. “I need a room with a bathtub, too, not just a shower. I have a bad back, and I’ll need to soak in the tub.”

  I led Helen Louise and Diesel out of the lobby and down the hall to the garden in back of the hotel. We stepped out into the mild afternoon sunshine with a temperature hovering somewhere around seventy-five degrees. The garden occupied about as much square footage as my backyard in Athena, a nice size but not huge.

  We followed Diesel as he ambled around, investigating anything that took his fancy, like an herbaceous border around a circular bed of what appeared to be several types of wildflowers. I didn’t recognize any of them, but I supposed they were native to the area.

  After a few minutes we found a bench under a tree at the back of the garden where we could rest. Diesel stretched out in a patch of sunlight while Helen Louise and I enjoyed the shade. Asheville had an elevation above sea level of over two thousand feet, and the resulting summer climate made it a popular tourist destination. I leaned back against the bench and closed my eyes, enjoying the quiet and the pleasant scents wafting in the breeze. Helen Louise did the same, and, heads together, we both dozed off.

  I awoke sometime later and felt a bit disoriented. I felt Diesel tug at his leash and realized he must have awakened me. As my brain cleared I remembered where we were. “What is it, boy?” I said softly. Helen Louise stirred beside me.