Only in Time

by Kelli McCracken

  “Music and children. You’ve always had a soft spot for both.” She managed to put a smile on her face as memories came rushing back. How Jonah used to volunteer at the local hospitals, playing his guitar and singing to ill children, especially around Christmas. He’d even managed to drag her and Cassie along for his last performance.

  The way those children’s eyes lit up when he’d sing had made her fall in love with him even more.

  “So, tell me more about your project.”

  His eyes met with hers again. A hint of a smile teased his lips. “I approached a couple of musicians about my idea and they loved it. Even got some of the record labels on board. We want to provide free music to children as one of our services. Most of the songs are being purchased by the musicians themselves. That’s how much they believe in this. We’re also going to do a mentoring program.”

  Fighting to keep a smile on her face, Ally read over the file again. Or at least pretended to read. All she could think of was the man in front of her. The more he talked about his project, the more her heart ached for him.

  She replayed his and Theo’s previous conversation in her mind. How they had talked about her…and her dance moves. How Theo taunted Jonah about some secret, possibly the same secret he almost revealed before his brother showed up.

  But the part that hurt the most was hearing the anger in Jonah’s voice. Especially when saying he could had her if he wanted her. Which only meant one thing. He couldn’t see Ally as more than a friend. Regardless of how hard he’d kissed her. He’d been caught up in the moment. Hadn’t thought things through until logic made its way back to his mind. About the same time he pulled away from her in the hallway.

  “Ally?”

  The sound of Jonah’s voice ripped the thoughts from her head. But the ache in her heart continued. Especially when she met those smoldering eyes again. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearing her throat. “What were you saying?”

  Pressing his back against the chair, he cocked his head to the side, letting his eyes roam her face. “Why didn’t you answer my calls this weekend?”

  “I was busy.” What a horrible liar she was. Jonah wouldn’t buy it either. Not if he continued staring at her.

  Gripping the edge of her desk, she rolled her chair away before standing. A few steps later, she neared the wall of windows. She wished Heidi would interrupt them. Hadn’t she told her assistant to call Rich?

  Steps sounded behind her, alerting her of Jonah’s presence. A second later, his image reflected in the window. She prayed he wouldn’t touch her. There’s no way she could fight back the tears if he did.

  “I don’t know how much you heard the other night, but—”

  “I heard enough, Jonah.”

  “At least let me explain before you judge me.”

  Anger pulsed through her body at his words. “What is there to explain? I confessed my feelings for you. You tried to tell me you wanted me, too, yet you told your brother you weren’t interested in dating.”

  Jonah stepped closer. The heat of his body radiated to hers, causing her to take another step away. But she couldn’t escape his voice. “Did you know about the date he and Cassie were arranging?”

  “Cassie mentioned something about it the same day we ran into each other outside the antique shop.”

  A snort echoed off the windows. “Yeah. We literally ran into each other.”

  Spinning around to meet his gaze, she crossed her arms over her chest. “This isn’t the time for jokes. I confessed my feelings for you. If you weren’t interested, you shouldn’t have kissed me.”

  “I wanted to kiss you, Ally.” His eyes seemed to plead with her. “I wanted to make love to you, too, but I couldn’t. Not until you knew the truth. I wanted your first time—”

  “It wouldn’t have been my first time, Jonah. I’ve had a relationship before.”

  “I was going to say I wanted your first time with me to be special.”

  Ally’s cheeks burned until her skin felt charred. She prayed the floor beneath her would open up and swallow her. Anything to get away from the anger in Jonah’s eyes. But the anger faded to curiosity. His narrowed eyes said as much.

  “You were seeing someone?” He took a step back toward the chair when she nodded. Guess she’d forgotten to mention that before, though he never asked about her previous relationships, only if she had a current one. “Was it serious?” He waited until she nodded again before continuing. “How serious?”

  “Why are you asking, Jonah? I’m not asking you about your previous relationships—”

  “I haven’t had one. Not a serious one.” A few long strides had him standing a foot away. His bright eyes shimmered under the lights as he leaned in to look into hers. “So how serious was it, Ally?”

  Tearing her eyes from his, she looked at the navy blue carpet at her feet. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “How serious?” His raised voice reverberated off the window, making her cringe. She couldn’t understand his anger, or why he’d yelled at her for the first time, ever.

  Turning her back to him, she gazed out the window once more, dreading the response to her next answer. “He asked me to marry him.”

  * * *

  What little air Jonah had inhaled seeped past his lips as he gripped the chair. His treacherous lungs refused to take another breath, even though they burned from the lack of oxygen. But none of that mattered. Not with the news Ally just gave him.

  Then another thought plagued his mind. What answer had she—

  His lungs seized, unable to take another moment without air. He drew in a deep breath. A cherry scented breath. Ally moved in front of him. She clasped his shoulder, giving him a firm shake. Her lips moved, but no words drifted to his ears. Only the sound of his heart as it raged inside his chest.

  He’d been a fool to believe…

  “I should’ve known.” The rasp in his voice muffled the hardness of his words.

  “Should’ve known what?”

  “That you’d find someone. That you wouldn’t waste one minute of your life, waiting for someone like me.”

  Ally’s brows shot skyward, crinkling her forehead. “What are you talking about, Jonah? You didn’t want me. You’ve never showed any interest. In fact, you made plans to leave with your brother. I tried to kiss you that night and you…”

  “I told you what I had to tell you.” He gripped her arms, leaning his face closer to hers. “I had to give you a chance to live your dreams. I had to set you free. I never wanted you to go.”

  A range of emotions played across her face. Confusion. Hurt. Anger. Jerking her arms from his grasp, she took a step away from the chair. “Don’t you dare pull this crap on me, Jonah McCabe. Don’t pretend like it was more. We were friends. Foremost and utmost. Remember telling me that?”

  He gave her a little shake, not once moving his face away from hers. “You know it was more than that! How many times did I hold you in my arms while you cried? About your dad. Your mom. School.”

  He hated the way his voice shook. Hated even more the way regret played in her eyes. “Jonah—”

  Wrapping his arms around her waist, he drew her body to his, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “I held you night after night, not because you needed someone to care for you. I did it because I knew I wanted to be that someone for the rest of my life. I did it for the same reason I showed up at the train station the night you left, a few minutes too late. Because I love you, Ally.”

  His eyes fell to her lips as he watched them press and part. Every second she didn’t respond increased the ache in his gut. Before he could beg her to answer, her voice cleared.

  “I…I don’t know what to say. Why are you doing this? Why are you lying?”

  The last chord of hope snapped from Jonah’s chest. “I’m not lying! I tried to stop you that night. Would have succeeded if I hadn’t been dealing with your drunk mother.”

  The words flew out before he could stop them. He’d always planned to tel
l her the truth if given the chance, but not like this. Not with them yelling at each other.

  Tears formed in Ally’s eyes as she slapped him across the face. “Lies. It’s all lies! Mom gave up drinking a month before I left. Cassie said she’s been sober since.”

  Heat pulsed in Jonah’s cheek as he continued to stare at her, not flinching from her assault. He deserved any ounce of pain she chose to put him through. But she also deserved the truth. “Your mother may be sober now, but I can assure you of this. She wasn’t that night.”

  “Don’t you dare blame my mother for this! You had a chance to tell me how you felt, but you didn’t. Hell, you could have called me after I left. You had six years to find me and tell me. Now you want to play the victim.”

  “I tried to call. A couple of times. Every time I heard your voice, I’d choke up.” His voice began to shake as he moved his eyes to the floor. “Deep down, I knew your mother was right. I wasn’t any good for you, Ally. Doesn’t mean it hurts any less to know that someone kissed you before I did.” He gazed up at her mouth, remembering the warmth of her lips pressed to his. “To know that someone touched you the way I always wanted to touch you… It’s killing me.”

  “You don’t think it hurts me to know you’ve been with other women? You’re such a hypocrite. I can’t take this!” she cried, throwing her hands in the air. She brushed past him, stomping toward the door.

  “Ally, wait!” He pleaded, forcing his legs to take quick steps.

  Curling her fingers around the knob, her eyes darted back to his. “Get out, Jonah! I never want to see you again.”

  He stepped forward, reaching out for her, but she swatted his hand away. The rejection rocked him to the core. She hated him. Disgust raged in her tear filled eyes. He’d rather have taken a beating than to have her look at him like that.

  Raising his hands in front of him, he took a step back, hoping she would change her mind. The change never came.

  “Whatever you want, Ally” he snorted, turning toward the door as she opened it. He’d made it two steps past before he met her eyes once more. “I’m heading back to L.A. tomorrow, instead of Wednesday. You won’t ever have to see me again. But it won’t change the truth. I love you, Ally. I’ve always loved you. Probably always will.”

  CHAPTER 9

  Ally pulled into the driveway, listening to the hum of the windshield wipers as they passed across the glass. She could almost hear the bathtub calling her name. Could almost feel the scalding water burning her skin. What better way to help her forget the last few hours of her life?

  She’d been so lost in thought that she hadn’t noticed everyone else leaving the office hours before she did. Even the drive home became a blur.

  Only one thing stood in her way of unwinding with milk and honey bath salts. The familiar figure standing at her door. She didn’t know why her mother had stopped by her house. Didn’t really care. All she wanted was to be left alone.

  Killing the engine, she listened to the raindrops beat against the roof. They pounded in a rhythm that matched the ones in her chest. Strong, steady, miserable beats.

  Inhaling the berry scented air freshener, she prepped herself for the impending chat with her mother. Granted, they were getting along better than they had in years, but lingering resentment remained. Regardless of how much she fought it. She shouldn’t expect it to go away soon. Her mother didn’t.

  Closing the door behind her, clicking resonated off the pavement as she ran toward the porch. She covered her head with her briefcase, but it didn’t stop the cold drops from dampening her blouse. Hopefully her mother wouldn’t stay long. Between mental exhaustion and wet clothes, she couldn’t put the bath off for long.

  Pink lips curled up at her once she stepped onto the porch, but they didn’t hold the sincerity they had the last time she saw her mother.

  Tightness formed in Ally’s neck. She did not have time for her mom’s drama when she needed to decompress from her issues.

  Stepping out of her way, her mother waited while Ally slid her key in the lock. “Hey, Ally-bear.”

  “Hi, Momma. What are you doing out in this weather?” The door creaked open once Ally turned the knob. Making her way inside, she set her keys and purse on the end table before stepping out of her heels.

  The plush carpet teased her toes, providing her a smidgen of relief. At least until her mother shut the door behind her. “Rough day at the office, sweetie?”

  Unable to stop herself from snorting, she gave her mother a nod, moving toward the couch. “It was definitely a day I’ll never forget. You have no idea, Momma.”

  “Oh, I think I do.” Slow steps brought her mother around the edge of the recliner. She gave Ally a quick lookover before easing down to the cushion. Each second she sat silently, body rigid and perched at the edge, Ally’s stomach churned tighter.

  “Something’s on your mind, Momma. I know how much you hate the rain. You wouldn’t go out in a downpour just to come hang out with me.”

  Feigning a smile, her mother nodded. She worked her hands together as they sat in her lap. “I had a visitor today. Jonah McCabe. He left about an hour ago, after he told me what happened.”

  The weight of the words sent Ally to the couch, its cushion cradling her bottom as she sank inside. Anger pulsed within her heart. Jonah had no right talking to her mother about anything they’d discussed. She couldn’t understand why he was hell bent on breaking her heart. Admitting her feelings should have been enough satisfaction for him. What did he gain by lying about the past?

  “Did he tell you about the lies he’s spreading about you?”

  Her mother’s hands stilled in her lap. Parting her pink lips, she drew in a breath, releasing it just as quickly. “It’s not lies, baby girl. Everything Jonah told you is the truth.”

  Each beat of Ally’s heart vibrated throughout her body. In her ears. Behind her eyes. Over her skin. If not for the ticking clock on the wall, she would swear time stood still.

  “You were drunk the night I left for New York?” The knot in her stomach twisted when her mother nodded. “Why? You stopped drinking a month before I left. Why would you start again?”

  Digging into her purse, her mother pulled out an envelope. The worn, yellow tint hinted to its age. “Because I found this. It’s from your father. He sent it right after he arrived in Afghanistan. I kept it hidden in my jewelry box for years, afraid that you would find it. I think it’s time for you to read it.”

  Ally stared at the envelope, debating on taking it from her mother. She didn’t know what good would come out of reading the letter. Unless it explained why her mother picked up the bottle again.

  Setting the envelope on the coffee table, her mother scooted it across the top. Ally leaned forward, letting her fingertips stroke the aged paper. Most of the ink had faded from the outside, but she recognized her father’s handwriting. She still had the letters he mailed to her.

  Anxiety pulsed a wicked path through her heart. She gripped the envelope, pulling out the letter within its decrepit walls. As her eyes trailed over the cursive letters, she could hear her father’s voice in her mind, repeating each word as she read them.

  Line by line, everything she ever knew of her father began to change. The man she adored more than anyone had a secret. A gut-wrenching secret.

  Fragmented sentences replayed in her mind. A new one added to the playlist the further she read.

  You and Ally are my life… I’m sorry for what I’ve done… We were going through a rough patch… It only happened once… Please forgive me.

  The letter fell from Ally’s hands, making its descent toward the floor. She didn’t care. Could only stare at her mother. “Are you telling me the reason you started drinking is because Daddy cheated on you? Because that’s no excuse for abandoning me all those years.”

  The lines on her mother’s face deepened as she fought with the moisture in her eyes. “I didn’t start drinking because your father cheated. I started drinking because I
sent your father to his death.”

  As her stomach continued to roll, Ally bit back the bitter taste in her mouth. Her heart raced as much as her mind. How could her mother have been responsible for her father’s death? He’d died in Afghanistan.

  Blinking away a few tears, her eyes trailed past the coffee table, up the arm of the chair until she found the courage to meet her mother’s eyes. “What are you talking about?”

  Swiping the tears from her cheeks, her mother inhaled a shaky breath. “A couple months after the letter came, your father called. He begged for my forgiveness. Promised that he would make it up to both of us if I let him. But I couldn’t answer. Told him I’d have to think about it. If I’d known that…”

  Another round of sobs racked her mother’s body. Ally wanted to go to her. To tell her it was okay, but the weight of her heart pinned her to the couch. “I still don’t understand how this makes you responsible for his death.”

  “I broke his heart, Ally. I refused to forgive him. He left that evening for his last mission. Jonah’s father, Michael, was in the same unit. He’s the one that told me how your father wasn’t himself, but being the first sergeant he was, he refused to stay behind.”

  Ally didn’t doubt a word of it. Her father loved serving his country. Took pride in training men and women to serve and honor as well. He’d never turn down a chance to lead his men.

  Pulling a couple tissues from her purse, her mother dabbed at her eyes and nose before continuing. “They were on a mission to rescue a group of children being used for suicide missions. They thought they’d cleared the house. Were even moving the children to a secure location when your father heard another child crying. He raced back into the house to find the child. A few minutes later, the house exploded.”

  The walls in the house began to sway. Ally felt the carpet cradle her knees as she went to the floor, sobbing. It all made perfect sense. Her mother’s guilt. Why’d she turned to the bottle. Her last words to her husband had haunted her every waking moment.