by Zoey Gong
Kai sighed and put his arm around her. “I’d do anything for you, ma,” he said. “I want you to get well. We can figure everything else out later.”
Kai’s mother shook her head. “I just want you to be well taken care of after I am gone,” she said.
“Don’t talk like that--” Kai tried to say, but she cut him off.
“Stop this,” she said. “We need to be reasonable. It is admirable that you are willing to do whatever it takes to save me. But at some point...we just have to face the facts.”
“No, you stop it,” Kai said. He’d already lost his father. He wasn’t going to lose his mother too. Not when he could save her. “Don’t talk like that. Don’t you dare give up while I am still fighting for you. I can’t do this alone. It’s just money, Ma. Let me worry about that. You just focus on getting well.”
He could tell that she wanted to argue further. He knew where she lived, surrounded by other cancer patients, how many times she had seen her neighbors pass away or move out when they couldn’t afford treatments anymore. It had to be discouraging. Worse than discouraging, to be surrounded by death every single day. But they couldn’t give in. If they gave up hope, then the cancer was sure to win. As long as they had hope, even the tiniest chance of defeating this illness, they could keep going.
Finally, Kai’s mother dropped her head and put her hand to her mouth. “What did I do to deserve such a son as you?”
Kai wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. “And me such a mother,” he said. After they stood together for a moment, his mother finally pushed him away.
“Oh, off with you,” she said. “I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”
He knew it was true, he just wasn’t sure how.
After Kai left his mother, he took a nap in his car. He figured that if he just slept for a couple of hours, he could work a double taxi shift before going to work the next morning. When he woke up, he looked at his phone to check his WeChat. He couldn’t help but check Winnie’s profile. He knew she didn’t post often, and never anything personal, just enough to convince her parents she was in China. He saw that she had posted a new inspirational message. Over an image of a sunset, the image said, “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” he mumbled to himself as he thought about how they separated at the airport. He should have said something. He had no idea what, but just something. Anything to let her know that he was interested in something more.
But then a new thought hit him.
Winnie was a doctor. Or was at least in medical school. Didn’t she say that she was an intern at a cancer hospital in Sydney? He had heard that medical treatments for cancer in other countries were better than they were in China, but if he couldn’t afford treatments here, he never imagined he could afford them overseas.
But what if he could? Or what if Winnie knew about a better treatment or could get his mother into a better clinic?
Well, she was just an intern. Maybe she couldn’t help at all. Maybe she wouldn’t want to help. To her, maybe she thought Kai was just a means to an end. A moment in her past that was already long gone.
But what if she could help?
“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.”
It would cost him nothing to reach out to her. And if she ignored him or turned him down, well, that would be on her, not him. At least he could say he tried.
He clicked the button to send her a private message.
Hey, Winnie, he typed. I have a medical question for you.
11
Your mother wants to know why you aren’t answering her phone calls, Winnie’s father’s message read on her phone.
Winnie rolled her eyes. Great. Now I have to start avoiding my father too. She tucked her phone back into her pocket without responding. She needed to listen to what the fellowship board members were saying.
“It was a difficult decision,” the head of the program was saying. “You were all amazing applicants. Wherever you go in your medical career, you are sure to be successful.”
Everyone gave a half-hearted clap as they waited anxiously for the fellowship director to read the names of accepted applicants.
One by one, the program director read the names. As each person stood up and thanked the room and everyone clapped in support, Winnie’s heart sank a little deeper. One name after another wasn’t hers.
“Thank you all again for applying,” the director finally said after all the successful applicants had been named.
Winnie didn’t even pretend to be happy for the people who were chosen. She stood and walked out of the room, her heart like a stone in her chest, unbeating, unfeeling. What was it all for? What was she even doing here? Her heart sank even heavier as she saw Brock and Lian coming toward her. They didn’t even have to ask what happened; it was written on her face. Her friends just wrapped her in a three-way hug.
“So sorry, honey,” Brock said.
“You did your best,” Lian added.
Winnie shrugged. “I just wasn’t good enough.”
“Please,” Lian said, pulling away and cocking an eyebrow. “You really think that’s why you weren’t picked?”
Brock scoffed. “For sure. You are one of the top students in our class. You know why you didn’t get picked.”
Winnie thought back to every microaggression she’d ever been subjected to since she arrived in Australia. Because she was a woman. Because she was Chinese. Because she was short. Because she had an accent. But she still didn’t want to believe those were reasons why she wasn’t selected. It wasn’t supposed to be like that here. Everyone always said if you work hard, you can do anything. It must be her fault.
“No,” she said. “I can’t blame anyone else. I should have worked harder. I’m too distracted.”
“No way!” Lian said. “No one works harder as it is. You need to slow down.”
“I can slow down when I’m dead,” Winnie said.
Lian shook her head and Brock sighed. They were right, and Winnie knew it, even if she couldn’t admit it.
“What are you going to do now?” Brock asked Winnie as they headed down to the cafeteria.
“Go home and enter an arranged marriage,” Winnie joked.
“Ugh, don’t even say such a thing,” Brock said. “I thought that was over.”
“Hardly,” Winnie said, holding up her phone. Brock looked pained as he looked at all the missed calls and messages from her mother.
“What is happening?” Brock asked.
“She wants to know if I’ve broken up with Kai yet,” Winnie said.
“You have to be kidding,” Brock said.
“It’s like she’s gotten even more set on this marriage with Chang since you left,” Lian said.
“Well, at least there isn’t anything she can do about it now,” Winnie said. “I can’t go back anytime soon. Hopefully by next year, Chang will have found someone else.”
“But your mother will find someone else too,” Brock pointed out. “You need to just tell her the truth.”
“Brock has a point,” Lian said. “Since you didn’t get into the program, what are you going to do now? Are you going to tell her.”
“Gosh, guys,” Winnie said. “I just received the biggest rejection of my career. Can you give me like five minutes to figure the rest of my life out?”
“Sorry,” Brock and Lian mumbled as they picked at their lunches.
Winnie sighed, suddenly not hungry. What was she going to do? She had dreamed of getting into that program for so long, and she was using that goal as her benchmark for when she was going to finally tell her mother the truth.
But she’d failed. She didn’t get in. She now had no plan for the next step of her career or how to tell her mother that she’d been living in Australia for the last two years with no plans to get married anytime soon.
She needed to figure out a plan, and fast.
Her phone buzzed on the table next to h
er plate. Winnie, Brock, and Lian all looked at the phone and held their breaths, but no one moved. Then it buzzed again.
“Are you going to check that?” Brock finally asked.
“It’s probably just Ma trying to get my attention again,” she said, but when the phone buzzed a third time, she couldn’t help but look.
She felt a butterfly flutter in her stomach when she saw Kai’s name.
Hey, Winnie. I have a medical question for you.
“Whoa,” Lian said. “Who is it?”
“Huh?” Winnie asked, looking up.
“You should see your face right now,” Lian said.
“Yeah,” Brock said. “Is that...a hint of a smile? Who is it?”
“It’s just Kai,” Winnie said, brushing them off, but they would not be ignored.
“Whoa, whoa,” Lian said. “I thought you said there was nothing going on between you two. It was just business.”
“It is!” Winnie insisted, but as Brock and Lian crossed their arms and stared her down, it was clear they didn’t believe her. “Look.” She held up the phone so they could see the message. “Just a medical question. Just business.”
“Like they don’t have a million doctors in China he could ask,” Brock said skeptically.
“Maybe not on WeChat,” Winnie said as she typed out a message back. Hey. Sure. What kind of question?
My mom has cancer, he said, and Winnie about dropped her phone as she gasped.
“What?” Lian asked. “What is it?”
“His mom has cancer,” Winnie said.
“That’s terrible,” Brock said. “But you knew that right? You said she was sick.”
“He didn’t tell me it was cancer,” Winnie said. “He just said it was no big deal. Why did he lie to me?”
Lian shrugged. “Some people don’t like to talk about cancer diagnoses. Like saying the word makes it real.”
Winnie knew from her years of working at the cancer ward that Lian was right enough. Though that was often true of many illnesses. Even though most people can’t help being sick, the shame or embarrassment over being ill often led people to keep their illnesses a secret.
“Hold on, guys,” Winnie said, and she went to a more private area of the cafeteria and pressed the call button on the chat. After it rang a couple of times, Kai answered.
“Umm...hey,” he said. “I didn’t expect you to call.”
If Winnie thought her stomach had flipped at seeing Kai’s text, it about leaped out of her throat at hearing his voice for the first time in a month. She couldn’t believe how much she missed him. They had only known each other for a few days weeks ago. So why did she suddenly feel like a giddy school girl, in spite of the tragic circumstances of the call?
“Sorry,” she said. “This is just pretty serious. I thought it would be easier if you just told me what was going on instead of trying to type it out.”
“That makes sense,” he said.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” she asked.
He paused before answering. “I didn’t see a reason to burden you. I mean, it was just business, right?”
His words shouldn’t have hurt. He was just stating the facts. Actually, it was more than that. He was just parroting her words back to her. But still, hearing them stung.
“It’s not a burden, Kai,” she said. “I’ve come to think of you as a friend. If I can help you...your mom, I will.”
“Thanks, Winnie,” he said, his voice quiet. “That means a lot to me.”
“So, come on,” she said. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Kai told her about his mother’s diagnosis and the current treatment plan that seemed to be working. He asked her if she thought the new treatment plan would really work or if there was a better option.
“I can’t give you a definitive answer now,” Winnie said. “But I do have some ideas I can run by the doctors at my cancer clinic. If you just take a picture of your mom’s files and send them to me, I can get a better idea of the technicalities of your mother’s case and compare options. I can also look into financial assistance for her treatments as well.”
“Financial assistance?” Kai asked. “You can do that?”
“I can’t make promises,” she said. “But I might be able to locate resources that you may not be aware of.”
“Winnie,” he said, his voice nearly cracking, as though on the verge of tears. “I...I can’t begin to thank you enough.”
“You don’t need to thank me,” Winnie said. “I’m here for you.”
He went silent, and Winnie thought he must be crying. She didn’t say anything, but just waited for him to collect himself. She had sat with enough families going through similar circumstances to know when to give them space to process their feelings.
“Thanks anyway,” he finally said again. “I have copies of her file on my desk at work. I’ll send them this afternoon, okay?”
“Sounds good,” Winnie said. “And, Kai, don’t lose hope, okay? I’ll do the best I can.”
“Okay, bye,” he said, hanging up quickly.
Winnie sighed and put her phone down. She was disappointed that he ended the call, but she knew he was probably a little overwhelmed. She suddenly felt really guilty over how she had treated him during their trip. But he had said some very unkind things. Though she supposed she could forgive him. Not because he’d been right, but he obviously had more going on in his own life than she realized.
“So,” Brock asked, leaning forward expectantly when Winnie came back over to their table and sat down. “What’s going on?”
“He just wanted my opinion on a course of treatment for his mother,” Winnie said. Brock and Lian looked at each other, then cocked their eyebrows. “What?” she asked.
“Nothing,” Lian said. “It’s just nice that he called you during this difficult time.”
Winnie shrugged. “As I said, I was the only doctor among his WeChat contacts.”
Lian and Brock went back to eating, but they clearly didn’t believe Winnie’s excuses.
In truth, she wasn’t sure she believed them either.
12
Kai chewed on his thumbnail nervously as he waited for his workmates to file out of the office. He could feel the weight of the thumb drive Mr. Yang had given him tugging him deeper into his seat. He just needed for everyone else to leave so he could slip the drive into his computer and transfer the code. He knew it was wrong, but he didn’t see another option.
The new treatment method was working. Winnie had gone out of her way to help his mother. She had spoken to doctors in Australia and found a new oncologist in Shanghai to look at her case. Winnie even participated in a conference call with the doctors, Kai, and Kai’s mother to discuss the best course of treatment. While Kai’s mother’s doctor hadn’t exactly misled them, they all agreed that there was a better course of action they should be following. Winnie also insisted on adding some traditional Chinese medicine techniques, which Kai found surprising. He thought that someone who studied Western medicine would think Chinese medicine was backward and useless. But Winnie always seemed to surprise him.
The problem was that the new course of treatment they had arrived at was even more expensive than the previous one. And Winnie hadn’t been able to find any sources of financial support, at least not yet. She said she was still looking. If Kai’s mother was in Australia, Winnie was sure she could help, but they were running out of time. Kai used the last of his money to buy his mother one month of the new treatments. The payment for the next month was due in two days, and even with working extra shifts, eating less, and renting out his apartment, Kai had only raised a fraction of the amount he needed.
The only way he could see to continue paying for the treatments was to give Whirlwind the code they wanted.
“Hey, Kai,” Kitty said, walking past. “Working late?”
“Just going to play some games for a bit before heading out,” he said.
“Have fun,” she said as she kept walk
ing and went out the door to the elevator.
Kai wiped the perspiration from his forehead. He looked around and saw that everyone from his row was gone. There were still a few stragglers hanging around, but they seemed absorbed in their own work or activities. Kai slipped the drive out of his pocket and inserted it into his computer. He was surprised when a program started running automatically. He didn’t even have to copy over the code himself. It seemed to know exactly what it was looking for. He watched, his eyes wide, as he saw a download bar start counting up. 10%. 20%. 30%... With each new number, Kai’s heart raced faster.
90%...99%...
As soon as the bar reached 100%, Kai ripped the drive out of his computer, shut it down, and walked out of the office. He went to the bathroom and rinsed his face with cold water. He still needed to deliver the drive to Mr. Yang at Whirlwind. He wasn’t sure he could do it. Surely he could find another way to take care of his mother. He went into a stall and stood over a toilet. He pulled the thumb drive out and held it. He should flush it. To do anything else was stupid.
His phone beeped. He looked and saw that it was his cousins.
Ma wants everyone to meet for dinner this weekend, Fenghe said. To celebrate Auntie’s recovery.
She’s not in remission yet, Kai said. But she is doing much better.
Yeah, Fenghe said. Ma wants to burn paper money and pray to the ancestors for good luck. She wants to send your mother positive energy to keep the healing going or whatever.
I didn’t know your mom was so superstitious, Hongji said.
I don’t think she is, Fenghe said. But she has been caring for Auntie for so long, I think she just wants to celebrate. I haven’t seen her this happy in forever.
Kai couldn’t help but smile to himself. He did notice that his aunts, who had taken the lead in caring for his mother while he worked, had seemed in better spirits lately. He had been so focused on his mother getting better, he hadn’t really thought about the emotional toll his mother’s illness was taking on the whole family. Her cancer going into remission would be like the whole family getting well. He put the thumb drive back into his pocket and walked out of the stall and washed his hands.
