A Life Worth Living

by Amanda Canham

  She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t go through with using an anonymous sperm donor. She couldn’t subject her child to that pain and uncertainty.

  Not when there was another way. She placed the tablet device on the table and picked up the brochure she’d received from the counsellor at the IVF clinic:

  Using a Known Donor

  She bit her fingernail nervously, staring at the cover, building up the courage to open it.

  When she’d first approached the IVF clinic, they had suggested this option. They’d said it was the preferred way of having a child through sperm donation these days. But she’d instantly dismissed the idea. There had been no man in her life she’d have felt comfortable asking.

  But now there was.

  Cameron would be the perfect man to donate sperm for her.

  The perfect man to father her child.

  He was adamant that he never wanted to have a child of his own, which worked perfectly for her, because she didn’t want to share parenthood. She didn’t want to pin the stability of her child’s future on fickle romantic associations. They could make the baby together and then part as friends. She’d been planning on ending their fling once she fell pregnant, anyway, so this didn’t change the plans all that much.

  Who was she kidding? This would change everything.

  But hopefully in a good way.

  Finally, she opened the brochure and began to read.

  When she finished reading, she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. This could work. It really, really could work.

  Now she just had to convince Cam.

  Stacey checked on the roast in the oven before darting back into the bedroom. Cameron would be here any minute now. She gave herself a quick once-over in the mirror to make sure she still looked okay. She’d had a hard time deciding what to wear tonight. She’d discarded all the sexy options pretty quickly because tonight wasn’t about that. She wasn’t going to seduce Cam into giving her a baby.

  She’d settled on a long, paisley skirt and a fitted cotton t-shirt. It was what she liked to call her “mother” outfit. She was doing her utmost to exude a motherly vibe tonight, which was why she had the roast cooking as well. She knew she was being silly, but she was desperate for him to agree to her plan, and she was willing to do almost anything to convince him that it would work.

  The buzzer rang as she was putting the finishing touches on her makeup and she ran out into the hall to let him up. Once she’d buzzed him through she flitted about the lounge room, plumping cushions and fiddling with the curtains. In a small, reasonable part of her brain she knew she should stop. Cam had been to her place tons of times in the last couple of months. The cushion arrangement on the sofa was not going to impact his decision at all. But she couldn’t stop. If she stood still she was sure she would just burst apart.

  After several interminable minutes she heard a rap on the door. She bolted down the hallway and pried the door open.

  ‘Cam,’ she gasped as the door flung open.

  ‘Hey, Stacey,’ he answered, smiling.

  She stood frozen, gripping the door as though it was her last link to earth.

  ‘Can I come in? I have wine,’ he said, waggling the bottle up under her nose.

  ‘Of course, come on in,’ she said, his words breaking through her reverie. Honestly, what was happening to her? One moment she couldn’t stop moving, the next she couldn’t start. If she didn’t get a hold of herself Cam would think she’d gone crazy, and then he’d never give her a child.

  ‘I’ll take that,’ she said, grabbing the wine bottle from him and leading the way into the kitchen. Maybe a glass of wine was what she needed to steady her nerves.

  ‘Mmm, what smells so good?’ Cameron asked as she pulled a couple of wine glasses down from the cabinet.

  ‘Roast lamb,’ Stacey answered, gesturing towards the oven before grabbing a corkscrew from the cutlery draw and attacking the cork.

  ‘Looks delicious,’ Cam said as he popped the oven door open and took a peek inside. ‘What did I do to deserve this?’

  ‘Oh, uh, nothing, I just, uh, felt like cooking,’ Stacey said nervously, throwing in a laugh to try and cover her tracks.

  ‘I’m very glad. And you look gorgeous too. There’s something different about you, though. You look very. . .motherly,’ he said, clicking his fingers as he settled on the right word.

  A smile beamed across Stacey’s face, easing some of her tension.

  ‘That’s the look I was going for.’

  ‘Well you’ve definitely achieved it. Though I have to say, you look sexier than any mother I’ve ever seen,’ he said, sliding the bottle from her hands and slipping his arms around her waist. He leaned his head down and brushed his lips across hers. She leaned into him and he deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue past her lips and running his hands down over her buttocks, holding her firmly against his growing manhood.

  ‘Hello to you too,’ Stacey said when they came up for air. Before he could come in a second time and kiss her senseless she slipped from the embrace. There were more important things to think about right now than just sex. She reached for the wine bottle again and began wrestling with the cork.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Cam asked, looking at her uncertainly. Stacey had never rebuffed him before.

  ‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ she said. ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he shrugged. He couldn’t very well say there was something wrong with her because she didn’t want to kiss him, so he settled for something more ambiguous. ‘You don’t seem yourself tonight.’

  ‘How so?’ she asked, but the innocence was clearly faked.

  Cameron pursed his lips together, but decided not to pursue it. Stacey had been a little distracted all week – ever since that counselling session at the IVF clinic.

  ‘For one, you seem to be having a real struggle with that wine bottle there. Why don’t you give it here?’

  Stacey passed the bottle over wordlessly then started tapping nervously on the kitchen bench. The cork slid from the bottle effortlessly under Cam’s steady hands but instead of filling their glasses he set the bottle down on the bench and covered her hands with his own.

  ‘Seriously, Stacey, what’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing,’ she said, shrugging out from under his touch and reaching for the bottle herself.

  ‘Does this have something to do with the IVF clinic?’ Stacey’s hand slipped at his words and she spilled red wine all over the counter-top.

  ‘What makes you think that?’ she asked sharply as she grabbed some paper towel to clean up the mess. But her eyes were darting around the apartment, frantic. Cam took the paper towel from her and cleaned up the mess.

  ‘You haven’t seemed yourself since then,’ he said, his concern growing. ‘And you were looking after Rory Masters last night, weren’t you?’ Stacey nodded wordlessly.

  ‘It’s making you doubt your decision, isn’t it?’

  Again, she just nodded.

  ‘It’s a terrible quandary for you. No one, and I mean no one, deserves to be a mother more than you do, Stace. I’ve been wracking my brain this week, trying to come up with an alternative solution for you.’

  ‘You have?’

  ‘Yeah, but I can’t think of anything that will give you a child in the near future. I think your only options are to go ahead with it as is—’

  ‘That’s not an option for me anymore.’

  Cameron grimaced at her words. That only left one option, and it left a bad taste in his mouth, just thinking about it.

  ‘Then I guess you’ll have to wait for your happy ever after. We’ll have to end this, what we have here so you can start seriously looking for a man to have a future with.’ It hurt more than he was expecting to say the words out loud, but he knew it was the only option. It was the best course of action—for Stacey, at least.

  He looked away from her before she had a chance to respond. He didn’t want to see the relief on her face as he let her go. He didn’t w
ant to know that she would be happy with another man. A man who could fulfil her dreams in a way he never could.

  He grabbed the glass of wine and took a deep swig. If he was really honest, he would acknowledge the part of him, deep inside, that was hoping she wouldn’t let them part. That she would give up this desire for a child and then they could continue on the way they were going forever.

  But he knew that would never happen.

  All he could offer Stacey was what they had now: explosive, mind-blowing sex on a very regular basis. He couldn’t offer her love or marriage. And he definitely couldn’t offer her a child. That wasn’t a part of who he was anymore. And sex, no matter how mind-blowing, could never compare to what she could get from someone else.

  So he had to let her go.

  He took another deep swig of the wine, trying to remove the bitter taste the words left in his mouth.

  ‘You want to end this?’ Stacey asked, and he heard the confusion in her voice.

  ‘So you can find another man to make a baby with,’ Cameron answered without looking at her.

  Silence followed his words. But it was a heavy silence, thick with her shock and pain. He spun around to gauge her reaction only to find her backing away from him, her arms clenched around her belly.

  ‘I can’t believe you just said that.’

  ‘Why?’ Cameron didn’t understand why she was staring at him as though he’d just told her he’d killed someone. ‘It makes sense. It—’

  ‘It is the exact same reason Brian used when he left me.’

  Her words were like a sucker punch, the pain in her eyes the knuckle rings.

  ‘Oh, Stacey. I didn’t mean. . .I’m not. . .’ Cameron cursed himself for being so thoughtless. So forgetful. ‘I’m sorry. You know I’m not like him. I don’t want to break up with you. That’s the last thing I want to do! I only said it because, well, once you take anonymous sperm donation out of the equation; it’s the only option you have left.’

  ‘No, it’s not,’ she whispered, and some of the pain eased out of her eyes.

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘It’s not the only option I have left,’ she said, her voice firmer. ‘There’s another way.’

  ‘How?’ Cameron demanded, his voice rough with surprise.

  Stacey grabbed her wine glass and took a deep sip, as though she was building her courage.

  ‘It’s this thing called the Known Donor Program.’

  ‘The what?’

  ‘The Known Donor Program. Instead of using sperm from an anonymous donor, you ask someone you know to donate for you. Then you can work out between you the amount of contact the child has with the donor—whether it’s just knowing their name, seeing photos, and knowing through the mother the type of person their father is; or having an actual relationship between the father and child. The mother—me—would have sole guardianship. I would be responsible for all aspects of raising the child—financial, emotional, legal, and so forth but they would know their father. Possibly even have a relationship, if he was so inclined,’ she finished, looking at Cameron expectantly.

  Her joy was palpable. With every word she’d spoken, her glow had brightened and her pain had dimmed. It was clear to Cam that as far as Stacey was concerned, this was her chance.

  ‘That sounds uh—’ Cameron stuttered, unsure what to think. Not that it seemed to matter. Stacey was so excited she cut him off before he had a chance to say anything.

  ‘Fantastic, doesn’t it? I know. It solves everything. It’s just perfect.’

  Stacey was simply glowing, her excitement flushing her cheeks a delicate pink, her eyes sparkling. There was something about her now, the way she looked. Content. And it suited her. He’d never seen her look more beautiful.

  She carried her wineglass out of the kitchen, and Cameron followed her down to the sofa.

  ‘So, what do you think?’ she asked purposefully this time.

  ‘Well, as you said, it seems to solve all your dilemmas,’ Cameron answered cautiously, setting his glass down on the coffee table and settling back into the cushions so he was facing her.

  ‘I’m so glad you agree. And the brilliant thing is, we could start trying straight away. No waiting period. Well, if we used the IVF clinic there would be a waiting period, but I don’t think there is any need for that. We can just use the natural method – you know – sex. It’s not like I actually have fertility problems so I shouldn’t have any problems falling pregnant.’ Cameron felt his stomach drop at her words. So, they did have to end things after all. When she’d said there was another option he’d thought. . . Oh, it didn’t matter what he’d thought. What he’d hoped. Stacey was going to get the child she’d always wanted.

  ‘So you’ve got a donor picked out already?’

  Stacey looked at him as though he was an idiot. Well, if she was using the word “we” then obviously she already had it sorted.

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

  ‘Uh, no,’ Cameron answered, frowning at her.

  ‘It’s you, Cam. I want you to father my child.’

  Chapter 8

  All the blood rushed from Cameron’s head. He tried to breathe but he couldn’t get enough air in. He started seeing spots in front of his eyes.

  Breathe. Just concentrate and breathe.

  In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

  Slowly the spots began to fade and the tightness in his chest eased.

  He must have hallucinated the words because Stacey knew that he didn’t want children. He’d been very clear about that from the start.

  So she couldn’t have said those words to him.

  But when he looked over at her, the beaming, expectant smile beginning to dim when he didn’t answer her straight away, he knew she had.

  I want you to father my child.

  His chest tightened up again and the spots reappeared in front of his eyes as he replayed her words in his mind.

  ‘So I guess this was a bit of a surprise,’ Stacey said, her full wattage beam dimmed to a nervous smile. He watched her run her hand up and down the stem of her wineglass as she waited for him to respond.

  ‘I. . .ah. . .yes,’ Cameron managed to get out as he focussed on his breathing again.

  Just don’t think about it.

  But how could he not? She was sitting there, waiting for him to answer her.

  ‘Look, I know it’s a shock. The idea might take a little while to get used to, but you’ll see that it’s the perfect arrangement. We were going to finish up when I fell pregnant anyway, so why can’t we just stop using protection and carry on the way we are until I fall pregnant?’

  ‘Because we’d be making a child together.’

  ‘Exactly!’

  ‘But I don’t want a child, Stacey. You know that.’ Cameron said, trying to make her see reason.

  ‘You wouldn’t be getting a child. I would. It would be my child, Cam. Not yours.’

  ‘You don’t understand, Stacey. I would still be the father. And I can’t ever be a father. I swore I wouldn’t do that again.’ He said, running his hands through his hair in desperation.

  ‘So a relationship with the child is out of the question. Fine. I did okay without a father. But you could still—wait. What did you say?’

  ‘I said I don’t want to be a father.’ Cameron answered, looking at her from between his fingers.

  ‘No, after that. You said “again”.’

  Cameron sank back into the sofa, covering his face with his hands. ‘Cam?’

  ‘Yes,’ he half-groaned from beneath his fingers.

  Stacey moved so that she was sitting right next to him. Gently she peeled his hands away from his face.

  ‘Cameron?’

  ‘Yes?’ he said, straightening his head and looking her in the eye.

  ‘Do you already have a child?’

  ‘No, I don’t have a child,’ he answered, shaking his head, still trying to deny the pain, to run away from the past.

  ‘But you did?’ she press
ed, holding his hand between her own. He wanted to keep running, but she wouldn’t let him. He closed his eyes as the grief flooded through him.

  ‘Yes,’ the word slipped from his lips, barely a whisper.

  With that one, simple word, Cameron felt a floodgate rip open inside his heart. He’d thought he’d made his peace with the past, but obviously not. The pain he’d kept hidden for so long poured out. The memories were flashing through his mind like a slide show, and there was nothing he could do to stop them. Tears started to drip from his eyes and he was vaguely aware of Stacey sliding onto his lap and wrapping her arms around him. He buried his face into her chest as sobs racked his body.

  Burned into the back of his eyelids was the vision of Tyler lying in his cot that horrible, horrible morning.

  So still.

  So cold.

  And there was nothing he could do.

  Nothing anyone could do.

  He shook as he cried out the pain, the horror of that morning. After six long years, he couldn’t avoid the truth any longer. Here, with Stacey, he felt he could finally let it all out.

  Stacey wasn’t sure how long they sat there, holding each other. She gently ran her fingers through his hair over and over again, making soothing noises. Slowly she felt the sobs begin to ease. She could hear him start to breathe, big gulping breaths of air. His grip on her body loosened, and he sat back, one arm still around her as he used the other to wipe his face. She leaned back with him, cocooning herself against his chest, listening to him breathe.

  ‘His name was Tyler.’

  His voice startled her. It was a hoarse sound, cloaked in pain and memory. Cameron wasn’t looking at her as he spoke, just staring into the past.

  ‘He was a surprise. Amber and I hadn’t been together long when she fell pregnant. But there was never any doubt that we wanted him. We both loved him from the first moment we knew he was there. It felt like fate. We moved in together and built ourselves a home in preparation for our son. When he was born, he was so beautiful; so tiny and fragile and dependent. There is nothing in the world more special than that.’ Stacey smiled at the wonder in his voice, drawing patterns across his chest with her fingers as she listened to him.