Rafael

by K. Hamilton, Laurell

  “I’m so ashamed of how I behaved.”

  I reached out and let myself touch the thick, shining hair until I could sweep it back and see the unscarred side of his face. I tried to sweep all the hair back so I could see all of him, but he grabbed my wrist and said, “Not yet, please.”

  “Okay,” I said, and dropped my hand away from his hair. We ended up holding hands and looking at each other from inches away. The first tear slid down his face, and it was pink with the blood of whatever willing donor he’d fed from tonight.

  I caught the tear on my finger before it could travel down his face. “Don’t cry,” I said.

  He started to cry harder, and then suddenly Jean-Claude and I were holding him, and he was saying over and over again, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

  I said the only thing I could say. “It’s all right, Asher, I forgive you.”

  And that was how the rest of the “war council” found us. There was a time in my life when I’d have been embarrassed to be found in tears holding on to anyone, but there wasn’t anyone in the room who didn’t know the history between us all. They would either understand, or they could go to hell.

  11

  WE DRIED OUR tears and made our battle plan, but Narcissus surprised us by agreeing that the mystery vampire was a danger to us all. “I will step aside and let you make Rafael your rat to call, if I have your word that you will feed the ardeur on me later.”

  “We’ve been through this before, Narcissus; you’re a gay man and I’m a woman—sex isn’t going to work for us.”

  “If Jean-Claude is with us to distract me, I’ll do my best to close my eyes and think of England.”

  The comment made me laugh. “Think of England, you mean close your eyes and it will be all over soon?”

  “Yes,” he said, and he wasn’t laughing.

  “I know you have both parts, but it’s the guy part we’ll need for me; won’t not liking lady parts mess with your concentration?”

  “To bring more power to my hyenas and to me, I’m willing to try.”

  Jean-Claude said, “To be very clear between us: for one feeding of the ardeur you will step aside and bring no reprisals when Anita and I bring Rafael over as her moitié bête?”

  “I’m not stupid, Jean-Claude, any vampire that could hide from you and Anita has to be incredibly powerful. For them to come to St. Louis in the heart of your power and expect to go unnoticed by not just you but all of us in the supernatural community, they are either insane, insanely arrogant, or so powerful they aren’t afraid of any of us. That means they’re ancient, Jean-Claude; I don’t want an ancient vampire to be in charge of St. Louis. Unlike Rafael and you, this is my only territory. I can’t leave the city to some new master vampire and regroup—if I’m taken out here, my clan and I are gone, dead, or enslaved. My clan and I lived through Chimera taking us over, but only because Anita and the wererats came to our aid. I know I have not behaved as if I remember that debt, but I do. I will try to be the leader my clan needs and not some love-crazed fool.”

  I looked into his eyes and there was the serious man to go with the power I felt rolling off him. We agreed to feed the ardeur on him later, after we took out the threat that was hovering just out of sight over all that we loved, or even over those we hated.

  12

  “ANITA CAN’T GO to the fighting pits without bodyguards,” Micah said.

  “You are one of the few we have ever allowed inside our inner sanctum that was not one of us, but that does not mean you can dictate to us,” Rafael said.

  “I would never have agreed for Anita to go tonight if I had thought you meant to hold her to the usual rules.”

  “Guys, guys, I feel like I’ve missed something,” I said.

  “The leaders of the rodere are not allowed bodyguards inside the warehouse where the fighting pits are located,” Micah said.

  “So? I go around all the time without bodyguards,” I said.

  Micah shook his head. “You don’t understand, Anita; from the moment you step outside the car you are surrounded by wererats, and if one of them picks a fight with you, then it’s your fight. No one can interfere. No one can help you.”

  “If you are not strong enough to fight your way through the crowd, then you are not worthy to lead,” Rafael said.

  “But Anita isn’t a real shapeshifter, she doesn’t have all our speed and strength and she absolutely doesn’t heal as well as we do,” Micah said.

  “Rafael, I would not have agreed or formed a plan around this much risk to Anita,” Jean-Claude said.

  “And I would not have suggested it if I did not think she could do it.”

  “I appreciate the vote of confidence, Rafael, but Micah is right. I’m good, but I’m not in the same league as you guys. I’m still too human.”

  Jean-Claude asked Micah, “Mon chat, did you fight your way through the rodere to attend the fights?”

  “Yes, but I am a shapeshifter and I can bring out claws without shifting, which is allowed for fighting through the crowd. I was also allowed Bram. He couldn’t guard me, but he was there in case everything went to shit. If it had gotten out of hand, we’d have done what we had to do to get out.”

  “Is Anita allowed someone with her like Bram?” Nathaniel asked.

  “Micah was a visiting leader. We only let him in at all so he could understand the rodere well enough to represent us in Coalition business,” Rafael explained.

  “Anita is Nimir-ra for the leopards, that makes her a leader,” Nathaniel said.

  “Very true, mon minou.”

  “It cannot be another leader and they cannot fight her battles for her. If they interfere, then they will both be escorted outside. If they were rodere, they could be forced into the fighting pit to finish the interrupted fight with death as a possibility,” Rafael said.

  “How bad was it when you went?” Nathaniel asked Micah.

  Micah shrugged. “Not that bad after I made an example of one of the bullies.”

  “What kind of bullies?” I asked.

  “Big guy who sees a little guy and thinks, why is he leader, he’s not so tough.”

  “You showed him the error of his ways, I assume, mon chat,” Jean-Claude said.

  “Yes, but Anita can’t call claws like I did to make that point.”

  “She will be allowed blades, because she is still technically human,” Rafael said.

  “Everyone who’s proven themselves worthy in training has blades, Rafael,” Micah protested.

  “Yes, but only two blades apiece; Anita can take in what she likes.”

  “Can I take in whatever weapons I want?” I asked.

  “No guns,” he said.

  I looked at Claudia and Benito, who had been very quiet. “You were both encouraging me to go tonight. You want to chime in now?”

  They exchanged a look, and then Claudia made a gesture like you go first. “I honestly thought you’d be allowed guards,” Benito said.

  “So why don’t I have guards?”

  “We all thought you would be allowed bodyguards as of old, Anita, but the last time a queen sat with the king of the rodere was when women weren’t allowed to fight the men, so to keep the queen safe she had warriors that would fight for her. I would not have asked you to join me tonight had I realized that the old rule no longer applied,” Rafael said.

  “It’s sort of my fault,” Claudia said.

  “How so?” I asked.

  “Look at me. I can beat the men and I’ve done it. I’m not the only one either.”

  “I know you’re not the only female wererat guard we have,” I said.

  “Yes, and because they’re guards, they’re expected to go into tonight with the same rules as the men.”

  Benito said, “But not all the wives will be forced or expected to fight tonight.”

  “If Anita were my wife, then I could claim to be her protector, but she is very publicly with other people, so we can’t lie,” Rafael said.

&nbs
p; “Older women do not have to fight,” Benito said.

  “Because they come from a time when it was not expected, they are literally grandmothered in to be noncombatants,” Rafael explained.

  “I am sorry, Anita,” Benito said. “If I had realized that you would be expected to fight your way to the stands, I would not have pushed for you to come tonight.”

  “The apology is appreciated, but what do I do now? The whole plan to keep Rafael safe from the big bad vampire that has its hooks in Hector is predicated on me being there with my necromancy and Jean-Claude able to see and act through me.”

  “I did not expect the vote to be so strongly against you. It surprised me and as their king, it is my job to know what they are thinking and feeling. I failed you tonight, Anita.”

  “What do you mean, vote?” I asked.

  “They’ve got an online voting system set up so that rodere across the country can vote on policy and things that impact them all,” Micah said.

  “It was Micah’s idea to stop the complaints that I favored St. Louis since it was my home territory.”

  “What was the vote exactly for?” I asked.

  “I let it be known that I would sit you beside me tonight, that I wanted you to watch me fight.”

  “They couldn’t vote that you not come,” Claudia said, “but with Micah they voted that he be allowed one other leopard, but that he had to be one of them, to get through the crowd.”

  “I was okay with it, because in theory I agree with the idea that if you’re not good enough to get through a crowd that is just trying to bully and intimidate you, then you aren’t strong enough to be a leader of any group,” Micah said.

  “Is this because Anita is technically Nimir-ra?” Nathaniel asked.

  “Or the lions’ Regina to Nicky’s Rex?” Micah asked.

  “I said I wanted Anita to sit beside me in the queen’s throne, that it had been too long since it was used. I thought it would be nostalgia and . . . I don’t know what I thought, but I opened the way for them to say if she is our queen, then she must abide by our rules, which means she might have to fight her way to the stands.”

  “What do you mean, might?” I asked.

  “A lot of the wererats like you, Anita. They remember that you saved us from Nikolaos and the Master of Beasts. They may say hi, or thank you, but they won’t attack you,” Claudia said.

  “But others fear you,” Rafael said, “they fear how it feels when you feed on them through me. They think it is evil. They may take this opportunity to hurt you if they can.”

  “Define hurt,” I said.

  “No, Anita,” Micah said.

  I looked at him because he didn’t tell me no very often. “You think I can’t do it?”

  He took a deep breath and then held it and let it out slowly. I could almost see him counting as he did it. Trying to center and calm himself before he answered. “I want to say no, but honestly if you have blades and are allowed to use them as ruthlessly as you would as a preternatural marshal, then I think you could.”

  “If I can do it, why are you so worried?” I asked.

  “They can’t kill you, but you can’t kill them either, Anita. You’re small like me, but on top of it, you’re a woman and no matter how much you hate it, that does make a difference. You don’t train to wound, you only train to kill. I’m worried that your training will take over and you’ll kill someone.”

  “What happens if I accidentally do?”

  “Then the rules change,” Claudia replied.

  “Change how?” I asked.

  “If you kill one of us in the melee, then they can kill you,” Claudia answered.

  “That’s why I’m worried,” Micah said.

  “I’ll be acting as your guide tonight since it’s your first time; if it happens, I’ll fight with you,” Claudia said.

  “I will be at Rafael’s side, so I cannot be with you, but I will send help if it happens,” Benito added.

  “So you’re not afraid that I can’t defend myself, you’re afraid that I’ll be overzealous and kill someone else?”

  “You don’t train to save lives, Anita, just to take them,” Micah said.

  “You train to kill rivals, how is it different?”

  “I also train to discipline people when I don’t have to kill them. Your version of that is to stab them with blades that have no silver content or use lead bullets and let them heal.”

  “Do I take in non-silver blades?” I asked.

  “Do you own any?”

  I blinked at him. “Not really.”

  “And that’s my point,” he said grimly.

  “You bought non-silver blades for Fredo’s classes,” Claudia said.

  “I think of them as practice blades for class, and in regular kali, practice blade means aluminum or plastic with no edge and lighter weight than real blades,” I said.

  “But for the invitation-only classes, practice blade means non-silver with an edge,” she said.

  “It would be a live blade anywhere else,” I said.

  “But for tonight, it will cut and wound, but they will heal, and it’s almost impossible to kill one of us without silver.”

  I nodded, but added, “I’m going to take a few blades with enough silver content to cause wounds that won’t heal instantly, just in case people need the reminder.”

  “I agree,” Claudia said.

  “I would like you to dress as my queen tonight, Anita,” Rafael said.

  “Define dress?”

  “Sexy dress, heels,” he said with the vague answer that so many totally straight men give when pressed for clothes suggestions.

  I shook my head. “You know I can’t dress like that and carry blades. Hell, I can’t fight in heels, or at least not as well. If you want me all dressed up, you need to give me enough bodyguards to make me feel secure.” In my head I thought I still wouldn’t have wanted to dress for anything but the fight, but that could just be my nerves talking.

  “Would it be too much to ask for you to wear makeup and leave your hair down?” he asked.

  “Makeup, sure; we’ll negotiate on the hair. It gets in my way in a fight.”

  “You’re angry with me,” he said.

  “Angry, no; upset, hell yes.”

  Micah raised his hand. “I’m upset with you, too. If you knew it was a possibility that she would have to fight through the crowd like I did, you should have mentioned it while we were making our plans.”

  “I told you, if I had dreamed that they would vote to force Anita to fight her way to my side, I would not have suggested her coming tonight,” Rafael said, and there was just an edge of warmth like a breath of power to dance warm over my skin.

  “Apologies are lovely, Rafael, but if anything happens to Anita between the moment she enters your world and sits down beside you, then we will revisit your oversight,” Jean-Claude said.

  “Are you threatening me?”

  “Oh yes.”

  “We’re allies here,” I reminded them.

  Micah said, “No, in this moment we are men engaged to marry the woman we love, and we all trusted Rafael to know his people well enough to risk you.”

  “What he said,” Nathaniel added, and his energy trailed hot to meet with Rafael’s so that suddenly I could see black fur in the darkness inside me where the beasts waited. The leopard flashed yellow eyes upward, but the rat’s black eyes were like a glint of darkness within a moonless night.

  The rat started to ease into the light, and the leopard followed it as if it were hunting. One great black shape hunting the smaller and then the next moment the rat was huge, as big as the leopard.

  I blinked and tore my attention away from inside me to the room and found that Rafael had moved beside me. It was like being plugged into a wall socket—a jolt of energy that shot through me to the rat inside. So much power it almost hurt, and just like that the rat jumped the leopard hard enough that it staggered me. Rafael grabbed my arm to help steady me, but the rat got big
ger and the beasts were tearing me up.

  I jerked away from him, and Nathaniel was there, holding me. The moment he did the panther roared inside me and the rat was getting the worst of it, but they were still tearing me up inside. I knew the damage wasn’t literal, I knew they weren’t tearing up internal organs, it just felt like it.

  I didn’t need to see Rafael to know he was kneeling with us and the rat grew again, sending the leopard rolling. Nathaniel rolled himself around me, and the leopard fought back, but I needed it to stop.

  “Rafael, back off!” I yelled.

  “What’s happening?” Micah asked.

  “I can feel the rat inside her now,” Rafael said, and he didn’t sound upset about causing me pain, more like he felt wonderment as if something about it felt good.

  Nathaniel said, “It’s not supposed to work this way.” His voice sounded like he hurt, too. They should have both been hurting; that was part of what a moitié bête could do, take some of your pain.

  “I’m a king,” Rafael said, as if that made sense of it all.

  “You’re not her king, I am,” Micah said, and he touched my face, still standing above us all. His leopard rose in a wave of warmth and power that went directly from the skin of his hand to where he touched my face. His leopard poured down into that darkness and pulled my leopard to it. He didn’t try to fight the rat, he just called my leopard like a black shadow to meet his, and there was no more room for anything else, especially not with Nathaniel beside us.

  “Her eyes,” Claudia said.

  Nathaniel’s skin ran warmer and he looked at me with the gray eyes of his leopard. He was the only shapeshifter I’d ever met whose natural eye color was more exotic than his beast’s.

  Micah said, “Look at me.” Still on our knees, we looked up at him, and I knew that for the first time all three of us were looking at each other with leopard eyes.

  13

  WHEN THINGS HAD calmed down enough that my eyes weren’t the bright yellow of my leopard, I turned on Rafael. “What the fuck was that about?”