Never Ever Tell

by Kirsty Ferguson

  The doorbell rang, and Vanessa and Billy went to the front door, knowing it was the pizza guy with a stack of different-flavored pizzas. She began randomly handing them out to people followed by paper plates. Vanessa looked around the room at the teenagers. Some laughed, some danced, some ate, but they all looked like they were having a great time. She looked for Wren. He was sitting in a chair with Olivia on his lap. They were kissing and Vanessa looked away to give them relative privacy.

  Later that night, Wren, Justin and Wade headed down to Wren’s room, Justin doing a terrible job of hiding the bottle of rum under his arm. Vanessa let them go – she trusted her son and besides, she remembered herself at that age. Surprisingly, neither she nor Billy had caught anyone else with booze. She pulled Billy into a sheltered corner of the kitchen and kissed him hard. ‘Thanks for helping,’ she whispered. ‘Why didn’t we get together at school?’

  ‘I believe,’ he said, raining butterfly kisses down her neck, ‘that you weren’t into me.’

  ‘My mistake,’ she said. ‘I wasted all those years.’ They didn’t speak Mark’s name. There was no need for him to be part of their narrative anymore.

  ‘We’re together now and that’s all that matters. We’re married and we’re happy.’

  Vanessa went down to Wren’s room and knocked on the door. ‘Time for cake,’ she said as she heard rustling and laughter from inside the bedroom. Wren opened the door, and they all filed past her, smelling of rum. She hid her smile.

  Olivia was waiting for him at the end of the hallway and he kissed her on the forehead. They were so sweet together. Billy put the cake on the table and rather than make him blow out a candle or sing ‘Happy Birthday’, they just gave him a round of applause as everyone hugged him.

  Later that night when the party was winding down, Phillipa came to pick up Wade. She seemed out of it, and Vanessa asked if she was all right to drive.

  ‘Billy could drop you all off and you could come back for your car in the morning?’

  ‘It’s fine, I’m fine,’ she said.

  As Wade walked past Wren, she heard the words ‘prescriptions meds’. Maybe Phillipa was high, all the more reason for her not to drive. But she refused Vanessa’s offer. ‘I’ll be fine,’ she said thickly. Justin ended up staying the night because Joan never came to pick him up, even though Vanessa had left a message on her phone reminding her about the party.

  Just before he went to bed, Wren came up to her and slid his arms around her. ‘You’re the best mom ever. I had a great time tonight. Thanks.’ He hugged her again, then walked down to his bedroom where Justin was probably already passed out.

  The cleanup could wait till the morning. Vanessa had more important things to do. Smiling, she walked down the hallway to her and Billy’s bedroom.

  Part II

  15

  Coming to a new school halfway through the year was always going to be painful. Her dad was the principal, which never helped her make friends. She was always the principal’s daughter no matter how hard she tried to overcome the stigma. Her dad traveled a lot for work, taking postings all over the country for long and short periods of time, which meant Oliva Holmes had attended more schools in her high-school life than she’d had hot dinners.

  As soon as she started at Ashfield High School there had been problems, and Olivia found it worse at this school than any other. New blood to torment was her guess.

  First of all, she sounded different after spending the previous year up north. Each place affected the way she spoke, which made her stand out even more. She was just thankful that her dad only took postings inside the country. And because of her semi-nomadic lifestyle, she had different interests to the other girls in her class, which made breaking into the existing friendship groups very difficult. She was more comfortable in the library and spent a good deal of time there.

  She liked a boy, having met him in the library during a free class. His name was Johnathon Peak; he was good-looking and popular, and he was into her. The only thing was that his circle of friends overlapped with the girls that bullied her.

  Marcie, Maree, Maureen. The three Ms.

  Her enemies. Nice when Johnathon was around, bitches to her when he wasn’t. They picked on her day in and day out. Olivia found it hard to keep a smile on her face. She lived for the moments when she was alone with Johnathon, and he made sure there were plenty.

  ‘Gonna run to Daddy now?’ Marcie had asked after following her to her sanctuary in the library, calling her names. Olivia tried to stay brave, but the constant bullying was wearing her down, chipping away at her soul. With every cruel word a new crack appeared. She grew weary of the constant barrage of spite directed at her alone. The words, the sneaky shoves from behind. The time she ‘accidentally’ fell down three concrete stairs, spraining her ankle and hurting her wrist. She took a week off school to recover, and it was the best week that she’d had since coming to Ashfield. She wrote in her diary religiously, detailing the abuse. She couldn’t even reread what she’d written, it was too painful, and she couldn’t believe that she was putting up with it. She didn’t want to go back.

  ‘What is it honey?’ asked her dad one night, finally noticing how withdrawn she’d become, and how her only friend seemed to be Johnathon, who admittedly came around a lot. He still hadn’t seen the bullying, but she would never confess it to him. He might have been able to stop it, but she wouldn’t tell. She would never tell. She kind of wished she could tell her dad so they could move towns, move schools again, so she could get away and start over. At each new school she became someone else, like she was wearing a mask, never truly being herself. Would she ever be?

  Her mom would have known what to do. After she died, her auntie had given Olivia her first diary so she could pour her heart into it. Since then she had written page after page, filling book after book. They sat on the bookshelf in the lounge; she knew that her dad would never read them. He’d never invade her privacy like that.

  The bullying became worse, if that was possible, the longer she and Johnathon dated. Finally, Olivia worked it out: Marcie had a crush on Johnathon, and Olivia dating him complicated her plans. Johnathon had once asked her why she looked so sad and she had replied, ‘I’m happy with you and sad without you.’ Her response seemed to satisfy him. Why couldn’t he see what was really going on? Was he blind or deliberately ignoring it? Both options weren’t good enough.

  The physical bulling stepped up after Johnathon took her to a party and Marcie saw them together, saw Johnathon nuzzling Olivia’s neck intimately. They weren’t sleeping together, despite his less than subtle prodding. Marcie was glaring at them, making her so uncomfortable that she barely touched Johnathon, which pissed him off.

  Why did no one like her except Johnathon?

  Olivia decided that the best way to get Marcie and the girls off her back was to break up with Johnathon, even though that was the last thing that she wanted to do. She had real feelings for him, but her safety and sanity came first. The day after the party, she caught him at his locker between classes. She needed to rip the Band-Aid off and do it quickly. It was going to kill her as he was her only friend, but it had to be done.

  ‘What’s wrong, babe?’ he asked, seeing her mouth pursed, her eyes downcast, her arms folded over her chest. ‘I… I need to tell you something.’

  ‘Shoot.’

  ‘I just think that we want different things and are heading in different directions.’ Every word broke her heart. The look on his face, sadness, then anger.

  ‘Yeah well, I was gonna break up with you anyway – you don’t even put out.’ He stormed off, punching a locker on his way past, betraying his true feelings. He was upset. And it hurt. She only did this to fix the Marcie problem. She hoped with all her heart that it did.

  Marcie stood further along the hallway, watching, her beady little eyes missing nothing. As Johnathon came level with her, she linked her arms with him, throwing a satisfied look over her shoulder at Olivia. Olivia wa
nted to scream. You got him by default!

  It turned out that dumping Johnathon made no difference. If anything, it made it worse. School was unbearable now. Johnathon ignored her and started dating Marcie within days of them breaking up. Olivia was devastated. Hadn’t he cared for her at all? She moped around the house.

  ‘Love, why don’t you call Johnathon to come over. He always cheers you up.’

  ‘Dad, we broke up a week ago – he’s dating Marcie now.’ She had to bite back the tears.

  ‘Marcie from your grade?’ Olivia nodded. ‘She’s bad news, bit of a bully so I’ve heard,’ he continued. That was her opening, and he looked at her, but when she said nothing he turned away. If only she could tell him.

  The bullying followed her everywhere. She shut down her social media accounts, not that she used them much anyway. There was a website put up about her being a slut. Funny thing was, she was still a virgin. She knew that Marcie was behind it: the ultimate mean girl.

  It was a bad day. Marcie had been merciless. ‘You know I’m fucking him, right?’ Marcie laughed. ‘He said it was about time that he got some. He said that I was the best he’s ever had.’ Marcie was in Oliva’s personal space, invading what little room she had left. Olivia ignored her.

  ‘He said that you were a frigid bitch who only let him kiss you. Who does that?’ She sneered.

  Olivia continued to walk down the concrete path.

  ‘He said you confided in him about your dead mother and he couldn’t have cared less. He was texting me at the same time.’ A little bit of Oliva’s heart broke hearing that. It was the last straw.

  She spun on her heel, catching Marcie off guard, and slapped her across the cheek as hard as she could. It felt amazing. Marcie stumbled back into her friend’s arms, her hand flying to her face as if she couldn’t believe what had just happened, but Olivia had had enough.

  ‘You fucking bitch!’ Marcie screamed, lurching forward to grab Olivia by the front of her dress. She punched Olivia in the face, much harder that Olivia’s slap. She felt her eye swell up immediately.

  ‘Bitch fight!’ someone yelled, as Marcie circled around her.

  ‘Break it up!’ yelled a familiar voice as her dad stormed through the crowd to reach the warring teenagers.

  ‘What the hell is going on?’ He looked startled to see Olivia as one of the troublemakers. His face registered surprise before his principal mask fell into place. ‘Both of you, my office. Now.’

  Olivia followed her dad into his office.

  ‘Sit,’ he demanded. ‘Now, what’s going on?’

  Neither of them spoke.

  ‘Olivia, what happened?’

  ‘Nothing, Principal Holmes.’

  Marcie snickered.

  ‘Marcie,’ Principal Holmes said, drilling her with a stare, ‘care to illuminate?’

  ‘No, sir,’ she said, staring him down.

  ‘OK, lunchtime detention, both of you, two weeks.’

  Marcie groaned, throwing Olivia a dirty look.

  ‘Want to make it three?’ Principal Holmes countered.

  ‘No, sir,’ she mumbled.

  Both girls stood up. ‘Olivia, stay back please.’

  Once his office door was shut, Principal Holmes’s body language softened. ‘What happened? It’s not like you to get into a fight. What is going on with you?’

  ‘Nothing, Dad. It’s nothing.’

  ‘Why won’t you talk to me?’

  ‘There’s nothing to talk about.’ Anymore. She knew what she had to do.

  She left his office and decided to take the rest of the day off school. On the walk home, she wondered how it had come to this. She was beyond help; it was all over. Olivia locked her bedroom door. She removed the first aid kit and took the razor blade from its pouch in the back. Sitting on the bed, she held the razor blade, looking at it. The weight was almost inconsequential. A killing machine. She ran her fingertip across the blade lightly, testing it for sharpness. A bead of blood immediately appeared. Yes, this would do.

  She moved into the middle on the bed, lying flat. She gripped the blade in her right hand. She looked at the skin on her left wrist: pale, delicate, unmarred. She positioned the blade over her pulse point, her heart rate no longer racing. In fact, she felt calmer than she had in months. She’d read that it didn’t even hurt. It was just like going to sleep. Without any more thought, the razor bit into the soft flesh of her left wrist, cutting deep enough that blood spilled from her wrist and ran onto the bed. How’s Dad gonna get that stain out? The random thoughts of someone trying to kill themselves. She’d better hurry up before she lost consciousness.

  She switched the slippery, bloody blade to her left hand, but her fingers didn’t seem to want to work, not gripping the blade properly. She couldn’t slice her right wrist. Fuck! She couldn’t even do this right. She lay there and waited to die instead.

  Her bedroom door burst open and she had a vague idea of her dad’s face looming over hers, screaming her name. He moved into action, grabbing a scarf from her wardrobe and wrapping it tightly around her wrist. He pulled tightly and tied it off. He grabbed her cellphone and called an ambulance, telling them that it was a suicide attempt.

  Attempt? She wasn’t dead?

  She wasn’t dead yet. She prayed that the ambulance didn’t come in time, but she was still semi-conscious when the ambulance arrived. She barely remembered anything after hearing the sirens.

  Olivia woke up in a hospital bed, her wrist bandaged. Her dad was sitting beside her, head bowed.

  ‘Dad,’ she croaked. He got her some ice chips and fed them to her gently.

  ‘Why didn’t you just let me die?’ she asked quietly, looking down at the white bandage on her wrist.

  ‘I will not lose another person that I love. Especially like that, Olivia. Tell me, what the hell is going on?’

  She sighed, a soul-crushing sound of exhaustion. ‘I’m being bullied, pretty badly. Marcie and her friends. I don’t have any friends, Dad and it’s all day, every day.’

  Her dad sat there. ‘OK, I’m hearing you. I’m going to transfer immediately. There’s a community college that I have had an offer from. We’d be living in a small town and going to a bigger town for school. How does a fresh start sound?’

  She began to cry silently, and he hugged her to him. ‘I’ll take that as a yes.’

  A few weeks later, they were in their new home in the tiny town, although she was nervous about school, as usual. It never got any easier, but at least this time she was looking forward to it. The bandage had come off and she wore a bracelet to cover up the scar.

  16

  Walking up the steps of the new school, she almost bolted. Her dad had said that she was ready to start community college, that she couldn’t stay home any longer and it would be a great opportunity for a new start. She had disagreed but had eventually decided that he was right. There was only so much daytime TV she could watch. She would catch him staring at her in the morning before he left for work when he thought she wasn’t looking. She didn’t blame him; she’d put him through hell. She was sorry she’d done that to him, but not sorry that she did what she did. She had been pushed to the edge, over it actually. She had seen no other way out.

  Olivia was leaning on the counter at the reception area of the new community college, studying her timetable, when the glass double doors opened and a boy burst through them. He stopped short when he saw her. He smiled and she smiled back. Their connection was instantaneous. He hurried up to her, halting just in front of her. If it had been anyone else, it would have been invading her personal space, but she wanted him to. She wanted him to wrap his tanned arms around her and kiss her. Shocked by her thoughts, she ran a hand down her long hair and blushed slightly.

  ‘Hi,’ he said, slightly out of breath. ‘I’m Wren. Wren Sawyer.’

  ‘Wren, what an unusual name, I’m Olivia Holmes.’ He had an infectious grin, and she found herself smiling like a fool. He was beautiful to look at and she
couldn’t help but stare. They looked at each other for the longest time, neither one of them feeling uncomfortable.

  ‘You’re new here, right? Holmes. Any relation to the new principal?’

  ‘Actually, he’s my dad.’

  She expected something else but instead he said, ‘Cool. You need someone to show you around, Olivia?’

  ‘Well, I’m late for—’ she checked her timetable ‘—English.’

  ‘Sure, I’ll show you, and then maybe we could catch up at recess.’ He grabbed the piece of paper. ‘After math. Just wait for me at your class, and I’ll come and get you.’ He took her to her classroom, then quickly leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. ‘See you after math!’ She put her hand to where he’d kissed her. A guy she’d just met, open and friendly, had just kissed her. She was stunned and thought maybe this was the place for her. He didn’t even know her, she didn’t know him, but still…

  The usual thing happened – she had to stand up in class and introduce herself. She had never understood this cruel punishment. She always led with the fact that her dad was the principal so people could decide to be friends or not friends depending on her status. She watched the hand on the clock go round in both English and math class, each second brining her one step closer to seeing Wren again. Wren. The name rolled from her tongue and it felt good.

  The bell rang and she gathered her things quickly.

  ‘What’s the rush, honey? I love fresh meat,’ said a guy that was sitting behind her in class. He was so close that his breath washed over her. ‘Want me to show you around, Olivia?’

  ‘No, thanks.’ She walked out of the classroom, slinging her bag on her back.

  Wren was waiting for her opposite the door, looking for her in the crowd. He smiled when he saw her. She couldn’t help but smile back. The boy from class bumped into her from behind. She felt a brush across her lower back but thought it must have been a backpack.