Trust Your Heart

by Sharon Drane

Chapter 12

  St. Louis – Hickory Street District

  December 1865

  Amelia stood spellbound on the landing, looking down into the foyer where she had first seen Joshua so long ago. She remembered how he swept into the door from the snow-filled darkness, majestic in his greatcoat as he greeted his host. That memory would stay with her for the rest of her days.

  Ellen’s house was so beautiful. Every corner was decorated in perfect taste. Yet Amelia knew how fleeting such richness could be. She would rather have Joshua than all the wealth in the world. She smiled as she descended the staircase.

  “There you are.” Ellen waited at the foot of the stairs. “I was coming to look for you.”

  “I was woolgathering, remembering the past.” Amelia touched her sister on the shoulder. “I’m here now.”

  Ellen put her arm around Amelia’s waist and led her to the sitting room. “I thought we’d take the opportunity to talk since the men are not here and Dougie is asleep.” She gestured Amelia to a brocade chair and sat opposite on the matching settee.

  Ellen poured tea for them both. Soon they were chatting, comfortable in their newly rediscovered closeness.

  “I’ve missed our talks. It’s been such a long time since we were together.”

  “So much has happened to us both.”

  Amelia put her teacup back in the saucer. “I am so sorry you lost Franklin. Losing a child is worst thing I can imagine.”

  “He was only six.” Ellen looked down and dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief. “The doctor assured us nothing could have been done to save him. The scarlet fever took him so quickly.” She looked at Amelia. “Nothing I did helped Franklin at all. I had to watch him grow pale and listless. I had to watch him drift away from us.”

  They sat in silence for a time, Amelia deep in her own thoughts. There were no words of comfort that would erase such a tragedy.

  “I know you understand. You nursed Clayton through yellow fever, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, I did.” Amelia looked away to hide her thoughts from her grieving sister, no need for anyone else to know of the true state of her marriage. The past was where it belonged. She packed it away, pulling out the pain and anger only once in awhile. Joshua had helped her heal. She only wanted to look forward now.

  Ellen saw right through her and pursed her lips. “It’s no good, you know. You never could hide your feelings from me. Talk to me, tell me why you don’t grieve for your husband.”

  Amelia took a deep breath. “It was an unusual situation. I never loved Clayton. At the time I married him, it seemed to be the best thing to do.” Unable to sit still, she rose and paced the room, her tea forgotten. “Our marriage was not particularly happy. When he died, I had to focus on survival for Dougie and me. There was no time to grieve.” She looked back at Ellen. “I couldn’t really face it in those days.”

  She moved to the window and stared out at the bustling street. “Later, I was sorry Clayton died like he did. He was a good man, but he left me in such difficulty.”

  She shrugged. “I was furious with him for a long time. But I came to understand he gave me Dougie and did the best he could for us.”

  She turned and looked at Ellen.

  “Clayton truly loved me, but it was the woman he wanted to see, not the woman I am. He wanted me to be dependent on him, so that he could take care of me. That was his version of love.”

  “Well at least you can admit that much. And what about Jo Beth, are you ready to forgive her?”

  “I never should have told you what she did.” Amelia strode back and sat in the chair.

  Ellen smiled at her. “Yes, you should. Besides, she only did what she thought was in your best interests. From what you said, she’s truly contrite now. Surely you can forgive her. She lost her brother and her father during the war. Her mother might as well be lost to her. And now she’s lost her only friend. Don’t you think she’s been punished enough?”

  “Well, when you put it like that, perhaps I am not as angry as I was.”

  “Joshua found you again. Isn’t that what matters?”

  Amelia felt her face grow warm.

  “May I refresh your tea?” Ellen’s voice was rich with suppressed laughter. When Amelia held out her teacup, Ellen filled it.

  “You never fool me, you know. I can read you very well, little sister.” She offered Amelia a plate of cookies.

  Selecting a chocolate iced cookie, Amelia looked at it as she spoke to avoid Ellen’s all too perceptive eyes. “Joshua is talking about marriage, but I’m not certain.”

  “Why ever not? He has demonstrated his devotion. He came all the way to New Orleans to find you. Could it be that you are unsure of your own feelings?”

  Amelia nibbled the cookie, stalling before she could answer.

  “Don’t give me any excuses, young lady. Joshua obviously loves you. He and Dougie have developed a strong rapport. What more can you want?”

  “I want assurance this is the right thing for me and my son.”

  Ellen sighed and sipped her tea. “There are never any assurances for any of us. You of all people should understand that, based on your marriage to Clayton.” She put down the delicate teacup. “You have to trust Joshua and let your love guide you this time.”

  “I don’t know if I can do that.”

  “Do you love Joshua? Are you certain of that at least?”

  Amelia did not hesitate. “Yes, I am.”

  Ellen smiled at her. “Then you have your answer. Trust your heart, all else will follow.”