It's on Us

by Matthew Burkey-Gilchrist

  “Totally,” Rory agreed. He shook his head. “But it’s Tab, he’s always up to something.”

  “Understatement of all time,” I said. “What about you? Still looking forward to practice?”

  “Gotta make sure I stay in shape so that I can sweep Shawna off her feet,” Rory said. He flashed me a grin that even I could admit was fairly adorable. “See you later, man.”

  “Laters.”

  I finished eating lunch and made my way back inside, where kids appeared to be getting back to their normal selves. The rest of the day seemed to crawl by and I still couldn’t shake the guilty feeling that stuck with me no matter how much I tried to repress it. By the time that I joined my mother in the car, it had lodged itself thoroughly in my brain.

  “Are you doing okay, honey?” she asked the moment I got in the car.

  “Yeah,” I answered. “It was just a really long day.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head. I did not want to tell my parents that I was feeling remotely guilty for what had happened to Noah. A part of me was afraid, how ever stupid it sounded, that they might actually agree with me that I should have done a better job of trying to help him. Yeah, I know how insanely idiotic that sounds, but what did you expect from a sixteen year old guy?

  “Just know that we’re always here.”

  The ride home was oddly quiet. Usually, my mother pestered me about my day. Today, though, she said nothing. It didn’t really ease the growing sense of dread that had started to take root in my mind again. I was anxious by the time we got home and I was pretty sure that she could see it all over my face. After grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, I headed to my room. I was so distracted by the feelings swirling around inside of me that I nearly knocked over Davis, who had just come out of his room.

  “I heard about Noah,” he said, averting his eyes. “Um, sorry that happened.”

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  For a moment I saw a glimmer of the Davis that I knew: a kinder, gentler soul that used to spend time with me. But the moment soon passed and he stalked off down the hall without saying another word.

  I shook my head and then walked into my room. I tossed my backpack to the side and flopped down on my bed, pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes in a vain effort to subdue the feelings that were threatening to overwhelm me. I kept thinking back to all the times that my parents had told me that not acting when you saw something going wrong was just as bad as being the one to commit the act.

  I thought back to history class and how complacent all the Germans had been in the killing of millions of innocent lives and how the world reacted when they realized how none of them had spoken up, and that terrified me. I didn’t want to be one of those guys. I never imagined myself as some sort of social justice warrior or a bleeding heart but all I could think about was the intense loneliness that Noah must have felt.

  Nausea washed over me and I had to take several deep and steady breaths to keep from puking all over the place. There was a knock at my door and I slowly sat up.

  “Come in.”

  My dad entered, giving me a small smile before he sat down on the bed next to me.

  “Are you okay?”

  I tried my best to nod convincingly.

  “Henry, you can talk to us. I know that there must have been a lot of talk going around school today, probably a lot of rumors about Noah. Do you want to talk about anything that you heard?”

  “Hunter called him a coward,” I said suddenly.

  My father took a deep breath before speaking again. “Hunter has probably never known anyone that has been that depressed. Noah was sick, Henry. Very, very sick. In his mind, this probably seemed like the only way out.”

  I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and my resolve breaking down. I took a deep shuddering breath before I spoke again.

  “I saw him, you know.”

  “Saw who?” my dad asked.

  “Noah,” I answered softly. “That afternoon. He was sitting against the wall in the hallway with his head down and legs up. I just walked right on past him, like everyone else.”

  My father dropped an arm around my shoulders. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened to him, Henry. You’re just one person.”

  Tears threatened to stream down my face and I had to work hard to keep my voice from cracking.

  “But sometimes all it takes is one person. One voice.”

  “I love that you think that way,” he said, giving my shoulders a squeeze. “And you’re right. Sometimes all it takes is one person. But this, buddy? You can’t blame yourself for what happened to Noah, nor can you take it all on. People make their own choices.”

  I shook my head. He wasn’t getting it and I was feeling all the more frustrated and angry with myself. I started wringing my hands together, a nervous habit that my dad recognized and had tried to break me of for years. He placed his hands over mine, halting the movement.

  “You couldn’t have known he was going to do this.”

  I stood up and threw my hands in the air as tears streamed down my face. “Someone should have known!”

  My dad came to his feet and grabbed me gently by the shoulders. “Henry, calm down. I understand you’re upset, but this was not your fault, do you understand me? You had nothing to do with this.”

  I wiped tears from my eyes and forced myself to take a few deep breaths. I knew my dad was right. I knew that in the end, Noah had made the choice on his own. But even knowing that didn’t stop the ache that welled in my chest every time I thought about just walking past him.

  “He didn’t deserve that,” I said, flopping back down on the bed.

  “No one does.”

  We sat in silence for a few seconds, although it felt like a lot longer. My dad gave me a hug and stood up. He stopped in the doorway and turned back to give me a smile.

  “We love you, Henry. Never forget that.”

  “I won’t,” I said with a nod.

  “Alright, better get ready for practice.”

  “Yeah, hopefully coach is in a better mood now that the wedding is done.”

  My dad gave me another smile and closed the door. I stood up and stretched before walking over to my dresser to grab my practice gear. Despite our comments about coach being a giant pain in the ass, he was a good man and I was looking forward to getting back to practice. Maybe all the physical activity would help distract me. Or at the very least exhaust me to the point that I didn’t have enough energy to move, let alone worry about it. I pulled on some new clothes and headed out to practice.

  CHAPTER 6

  “Yesterday is not ours to recover, but

  tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”

  ~ Lyndon B Johnson

  I was a sweaty, disgusting mess by the time that I got home from practice. I worked myself harder than I had in months. I knew that despite the fact I was in pretty damn good shape, I was going to be sore tomorrow. Maybe I could still ask Rory or Tab for a massage, or was that going to be too weird now that they knew I was gay. I quickly scarfed down some meatloaf and headed upstairs to my room to shower and start on some homework.

  I grabbed some fresh clothes and made my way to the bathroom. I passed by Davis’s room on the way and stopped. I brought my hand up to the door. I could hear the sound of his TV from the other side, so I knew he was in there. I hesitated, my knuckles mere inches from the solid surface. I sighed and dropped my arm. I didn’t even know where to start with him. I continued on my way to the bathroom.

  Once I was inside, I peeled my sweat soaked clothes off. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to push back the feeling of guilt that seemed to be a constant companion since I found out about Noah. I didn’t know why it was bothering me so much. Maybe a part of me thought that it could have been me. I didn’t know if Noah was gay or not, although that shouldn’t have mattered. Noah was a person.

  I shook my head and turned the water on as hot as it would go. I
glanced back at the mirror again, maybe I wasn’t as bad looking as I thought I was. I mean, I was no Danny, or hell, even a Cole. I did have a built and athletic body and I didn’t think that my personality was that awful. Maybe a little nerdy.

  Okay, a lot nerdy. But some girls dig nerds, so maybe some guys do, too?

  After my shower, I went back to my room and dove into my homework. I was about halfway through the first chapter in my Algebra book when my phone wailed like R2-D2 when he got shot by Vader during the first Death Star attack. I loved the sound. It drove Tab nuts though.

  Rory:

  So, are you doing okay?

  Henry:

  Yeah, I mean I think so… how about you?

  I watched the screen as the three dots appeared, indicating that Rory was typing a message. A fairly long message. Rory never typed long messages, well, unless he was about to tell me a story that was entirely inappropriate and completely sexual in nature.

  Rory:

  Fuck, man, I don’t know. We used to sleep over. We used to hang out… I mean, we used to go each other’s birthday parties. I know that nothing that happened was my fault and he made his own choice but it feels weird at school. I think people might already be forgetting him. I think that’s worse than death, you know? To have everyone forget you.

  I swallowed hard. Rory was right. That would have been pretty awful.

  Henry:

  Yeah, that would totally suck.

  Again the three dots blinked back at me on the screen.

  Rory:

  Do you think he was gay?

  Now that brought my eyebrows up. I was wondering where Rory was going with this. I mean, I certainly didn’t get any vibes like that from Noah. Then again, I had become pretty good at hiding who I was from my two best friends.

  Henry:

  Um, why would think that? Or why would you ask that?

  Rory:

  Shit… that came out wrong. I mean, I was just thinking that maybe that was why he kept it

  himself and everything. I didn’t mean anything by it. Are you going to the funeral?

  I stopped and thought for a moment before I responded. Both my parents had asked if I wanted to go since we had been friends when I was younger. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn’t ready to face such a situation. Plus, I really didn’t know if I could handle seeing Noah like that.

  Henry:

  Probably not. Does that make me a bad person?

  Rory:

  No worse than me. I’m not going either. Enough depressing shit, when is your next dueling

  thingie?

  Henry:

  Next week Tuesday, why? You planning on coming?

  Rory:

  Don’t you think that’s a little personal? >:)

  I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Rory to make a horrible joke to lighten the mood.

  Henry:

  Well, there’s a mental image that I can’t get out of my head. Thanks for that, I’m going to

  have nightmares tonight.

  Rory:

  Pfft, you’ve seen me naked. You know that’s not the truth.

  Henry:

  And now I just threw up a little in my mouth. Again, thanks for that. I need to get back to this homework… talk to you tomorrow.

  Rory:

  Word, dawg.

  I smiled again as I closed down my phone. I was lucky, I really was. I had my parents, I had Rory, I even had Tab on my side. I knew there were a lot of people out there that didn’t have anyone to support them. I wasn’t just talking about kids that were questioning their orientations, I was talking about anyone that has ever felt alone, depressed, or like they were different in any way. I knew those people were out there, I just wasn’t sure how to help them.

  Needless to say, I lost interest in my math homework pretty quickly. Which really wasn’t a good thing, considering that math is really not my strong suit. Like, at all. I ended up falling into bed where I spent entirely too much time staring at the ceiling. Eventually, I rolled over and fell asleep.

  I’d like to say my situation got easier as the days went on. That, however, would be a craptastic lie. I woke up the next morning and went through my daily routine like nothing had happened. In fact, everyone at school seemed to be going as if the tragedy that was Noah never took place. And it royally pissed me off.

  A whole week had passed since Noah died and everyone just went about their business as if nothing happened at all. That week turned into another week and eventually another. It was three weeks later when I glanced around the hall and realized that the entire time, no one had shown any sort of sympathy for Noah’s passing. I slammed my locker shut and was about to stomp off down the hall when Tab appeared next to me, grinning like a total idiot.

  “Uh oh, what the fuck did you do now?”

  Tab frowned at me. “Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning?”

  “No one, what’s up?”

  “Rory’s trending up in the polls. Now, granted, he wouldn’t let me have control of his Twitter feed, which is stupid by the way, so I made up my own. Check it out!”

  I looked over at Tab’s phone. As much as my generation seems to enjoy social media, I’ll be the first to admit that I tend to shy away from it. At first, I wasn’t entirely sure what it was that I was looking at. Then I realized the account that Tab had so lovingly created for Rory had a shirtless Rory as the icon. Rory wasn’t generally shy about his body, but I wasn’t sure that he’d appreciate being paraded around like a piece of meat.

  A good looking piece of meat, but a piece of meat nonetheless.

  “Um, does he know that you used that pic?” I asked. “I mean, what was wrong with the one you had up there to start with?”

  “What?” Tab asked, looking down at his phone. “Oh, that one. He won’t care, he’s always showing himself off. Hell the girls, and some of the guys, will love it.”

  “I hope that you aren’t talking about me.”

  “Of course not, you already said you weren’t into us.”

  I shook my head and then lowered my voice before speaking. “I doubt there are any other gay guys in this school, Tab.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it,” Tab replied. He leaned in close before talking again. “Statistically speaking, there has to be at least one other gay kid here. I mean, seriously, there are like twelve hundred kids in this whole school.”

  “And even if there is, what’s to say that they are interested in me, or that I’d be interested in them?” I asked.

  “I love how easily you can talk yourself out of something,” Tab said, shaking his head. “Still not going to tell the guys?”

  “Still not going to tell anyone,” I said, glancing down at my watch.

  “They're your teammates. Don’t you think that they’re going to get more pissed when they find out that you didn’t say anything all along?”

  “I don’t care,” I snapped. “Hell, for all we know, I may never come out.”

  Tab shrugged. “Fine, whatever. See you later.”

  Tab stalked off down the hall. I knew that I shouldn’t have snapped at him like that, but the past weeks had me on edge. I wasn’t sleeping well and it was starting to show at my gymnastics practices as well as at the dueling club. No one had said anything directly so far, but I could tell by some of the glances I kept getting that people were noticing. I shook my head and walked off toward my next class.

  My mood had not improved by the time lunch rolled around.

  “Are you okay?” Rory asked, sitting next to me. “Tab said you snapped at him earlier.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe I did. You did see what picture he used of you for your Twitter account, right?”

  “Tab’s just being, well, Tab.”

  “That doesn’t mean he can act like a jerk.”

  “I don’t think he is,” Rory said, quirking an eyebrow at me. “Really, what’s going on with you, man? You’ve been off since Noah died.”

  I sighed.
“It’s just, Noah… I mean, everyone is acting like nothing happened!”

  “Henry, what do you want people to do? Mourn him? Build a memorial around his locker?”

  “I want people to acknowledge that he existed,” I said softly. I looked down at my lap and tried to keep my voice from cracking with emotion. “I want people to realize what happened to him could happen to anyone else. Maybe next time to someone we care about.”

  I felt Rory put his hand on my shoulder and give it a squeeze. When I looked up, he was looking right at me. I saw an intensity and emotion in his eyes and on his face that I had never seen before.

  “Hey, promise me you’ll never do anything that stupid, okay?” Rory asked. His voice was soft but serious. “Henry, I need you to promise me that.”

  I nodded. “I would never do that.”

  “Good,” Rory said. He glanced around the quad. “Where the hell is Tab, anyway?”

  “Probably out spreading the wonders of your good name,” I replied. “He said that you’re ahead in the polls. Although, I’m not sure what official polling statistic he’s using.”

  “That terrifies me slightly.”

  “As it should,” I said.

  “So, ready for your dueling match tonight?”

  “I guess so. This guy they’re putting me against is supposed to be pretty good.”

  Rory arched an eyebrow. “Better than you?”

  “Hopefully not. You aren’t planning on coming to watch, are you?”

  “Sure I am.” Rory nodded. “I mean, why wouldn’t I?”

  “Um, I dunno… you might find it too geeky?”

  “I didn’t find the last one that I went to too geeky, did I?” Rory asked.

  Our conversation was interrupted as Shawna came walking over. Rory sent her a smile, which actually looked insanely charming. I shook my head and went back to rummaging around in my lunch bag.