It's on Us

by Matthew Burkey-Gilchrist

  “Come on,” Rory said. He put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Let’s get you home. I’ll pick you up after dinner to head to the rec center.”

  “Assuming anyone shows up.”

  “I’ll be there, Tab will be there, and I’m pretty sure that Cole will be, too.”

  “He’s probably going to want to practice beforehand,” I said as we started walking back to the car. “Think you can drop me off a little early?”

  “Sure, man.”

  CHAPTER 15

  “You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle,

  but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~ Brene Brown

  Even I had to admit that I was nervous as we walked into the rec center that evening. Tab and Rory had gone off to work out and would meet up with me afterwards. I walked into the large open room we often used and found Ryan already going through several attack flourishes. He looked up at me and smiled.

  “How are you doing, Henry?”

  “Pretty good, I guess,” I said.

  “Just pretty good?”

  “The parents of one of the guys on my team freaked out about me being gay and now they’re threatening to pull him.”

  “I’m sorry,” Ryan said. He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “But your videos are getting a lot of views. I mean, that’s a good thing, right?”

  “And people are saying some pretty awful things.”

  “Just some people,” Ryan pointed out. “There are a lot more people that are happy about everything you’re doing and saying. Hell, we’ve gotten a ton more interest on our site recently, and I’m pretty sure that’s all due to you.”

  “I think Cole was going to put up his own stuff, too,” I said, setting down my case. “So, I’m sure that he has had something to do with it, too.”

  “Stop being so modest,” Ryan said with a grin. “You’re allowed to be proud of what you’ve done.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not sure it’s going to turn out to be a good thing in the end. Anyways, have you seen Cole around?”

  Ryan arched an eyebrow at me and smiled. “Oh, I know that look. I think that someone has a crush.”

  “What? I do not!”

  I totally did, but he didn’t need to know that.

  “Don’t worry,” Ryan said, clapping me on the back. “I’m pretty sure Cole is oblivious to it.”

  “I think I’m gonna be that guy.”

  “What guy?” Ryan asked as he activated his double-bladed saber. It flared to life, bathing his shirt in a cool teal light.

  “The gay guy that crushed on every straight guy he sees.”

  “I doubt you have a crush on every straight guy.”

  “First Danny, now Cole. I think I’m gonna be that guy.”

  Ryan rolled his eyes. “Even if you are that guy, that’s not a bad thing. You like who you like, that’s not something that you can help.”

  “Can you please just let me whine a little?”

  “Um, no.”

  “You want to spar a little?”

  “I think you should spar with him,” Ryan said, nodding at the door.

  I turned around just as Cole walked in. Before I even knew what I was doing, I was waving and smiling like an idiot. However, at that point, I really couldn’t turn around and pretend like I didn’t see him. Well, I could, but that would be a total asshole move.

  “Am I interrupting something?” Cole asked.

  “Not really,” Ryan said. “I’m going to head back to my office for a bit. You guys should get practicing.”

  I shot Ryan a murderous look. He ignored it.

  “Sounds good,” Cole said, as he set down his case. “I think Giovani and Scarlett are going to stop by later.”

  “They are?”

  “Yeah,” Cole said with a nod. “I sort of implied that they’d be assholes if they didn’t. Scarlett didn’t seem to care at first, although Giovanni hates the fact that someone might think he’s an asshole.”

  I chuckled. “Your friends sound like my friends.”

  “We should hang out more often,” Cole said. He stretched, allowing the shirt to lift up a little. I averted my eyes from looking at the smooth, taut surface of his belly. “So, you want to go a few rounds before we head in? Get all hot and sweaty?”

  “We do that and I’m pretty sure that Tab’s gonna make a joke about what got us so hot and sweaty to begin with.”

  “Oh there are worse ways to think we got hot and sweaty,” Cole said, waggling his eyebrows at me. I couldn’t help it, I let a bark of laughter. “Besides, I worked hard last week. I’d like to show you what I learned.”

  “Alright,” I said. “But I’m not going easy on you.”

  “That’s okay. I like it rough,” Cole said with a grin.

  “You’re pretty awful,” I said, dropping into a defensive stance and activating my saber. The orange blade flared to life. “I feel sorry for whatever girl you end up with.”

  “Oh I wouldn’t say that,” Cole said, dropping into his stance and activating both his blades. “I’ve been told I have some pretty good moves.”

  “Then let’s see them.”

  “All I’m saying is that the X-Wing is the superior fighter,” I said as we walked into the room. We’d spent the better part of a half hour sparring before deciding to see if anyone besides our friends had shown up. “And the A-Wing is way too fragile to be considered a heavy frontline fighter.”

  “Have you lost your mind?” Cole asked. “And it’s not supposed to be a frontline fighter, it's interceptor.”

  “Have you both lost your minds?” Tab said, looking up from his computer. “You’re arguing about fictitious fighter planes.”

  “Spaceships, actually,” Rory corrected. “How was sparring?”

  “You mean I missed it?”

  I turned around to see Danny standing in the door. He was wearing a big grin and carrying his backpack. I was pretty sure that I had a shocked look on my face.

  “Um, hey.”

  “Hey,” Danny answered.

  “You know him, right?” Cole asked, breaking the awkward silence.

  “Yeah, he’s a friend from our gymnastics team,” I said. “Danny, this is Cole. Cole, this is Danny.”

  “Nice to meet you, man.”

  “Oh, hello there.”

  Cole groaned as he looked past Danny and saw Scarlett and Giovanni enter. Giovanni rolled his eyes, grabbed Scarlett by the sleeve of her jacket, steering her away from Danny and to one of the tables.

  “Um, who’s that?” Danny asked as we all sat down.

  “Scarlett, and yes I’m single,” Scarlett said. “I knew you were just dying to ask me that question.”

  “She also might have the sex drive of at least ten teenage guys,” Giovanni said after taking a drink of his soda. “Really, she should be considered some sort of walking disaster area.”

  “I’m going to kick your ass,” Scarlett said through gritted teeth.

  “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” Giovanni said.

  “So, we know what his crazy is,” Cole said, pointing at me. He shifted his gaze to Danny. “What brings you here? What’s your big bad secret?”

  Danny turned bright red. “Um, I guess I’m just trying to be supportive of my friend.”

  “That’s fascinating,” Tab said, interrupting us. “But we have a slightly bigger problem. You’re losing.”

  “Losing what?” Rory asked.

  “The student council,” Tab said. “Or did you completely forget about that?”

  “I didn’t forget about that,” Rory said. “And how do you know that I’m losing?”

  “I did an informal poll,” Tab said. “It’s not looking good. Hunter is kicking your ass.”

  “Is Hunter an ass?” Cole asked.

  “Total ass,” Danny replied. “Though his girlfriend is pretty hot.”

  “Want me to take her out?” Scarlett asked. “I mean, not like date her, take her out, but, like, stash her body behind a
dumpster take her out.”

  “Can you please stop?” Giovanni said. “They don’t know you well enough to find your weirdness quirky. They just find it disturbing.”

  “Oh, they do not,” Scarlett said, waving the comment away.

  I actually did, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

  “I have anxiety.”

  We all turned to look at Danny, who was fidgeting with his hands. He looked nervous as hell, which was odd, considering I had never seen anything fluster him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again.

  “You asked what my crazy was, and that’s it.”

  “I don’t think that’s crazy,” I said.

  “Maybe not,” Danny said. “But it’s something that I struggle with every day. Something that I don’t want people to know because then they treat you differently.”

  “But you aren’t any different,” Rory said. “It doesn’t change how we look at you.”

  I watched Danny swallow hard. “Um, cause you guys are my friends. It used to be really bad. Back in sixth grade, I would just freeze up in school or I’d make myself ill before taking a test or something.”

  I was floored. This was Danny. Danny was unflappable, Danny could do flips and cartwheels across an entire mat without stopping. He could bench more than anyone else on the team, and he seemed to always be smiling and in a good mood. But, here he was, still fidgeting with his hands and now his cell phone. He had an almost panicked look in his eyes, the same look that I probably had when I came out to Rory and Tab.

  “It’s frustrating, you know,” Danny continued. “I mean, to have everyone look at you like you’re suddenly incapable of handling even the slightest bit of stress.”

  For a few seconds, no one said anything.

  “That does totally suck,” Tab finally said.

  “I take drugs for it,” said Danny. His face grew less tense as he talked. “And that helps. I mean, it helps a lot, but there are still times that it can get a little out of control.”

  “I think that’s pretty normal,” Rory said. “And it still doesn’t change the fact that we’re friends. I don’t look at you any differently.”

  “But some people would,” Danny said. He sighed. “Even my own parents don’t want me telling people, mostly out of fear of what they’ll say or do.”

  “Having anxiety is not that big a deal,” I assured him. “Really, there are a ton of successful people with anxiety. It’s all brain chemistry, anyways. It has nothing to do with how strong a person you are.”

  “Thanks, guys,” Danny said. “It actually feels good to tell someone.”

  “We’re here for you,” Rory said, placing his hand on Danny’s shoulder. “And it doesn’t change how any of us see you, got it?”

  “Got it,” Danny said with a nod. “So, do we, like, sit in a circle now and hold hands or something?”

  That prompted chuckles from everyone in the group. With the ice broken, we started talking amongst ourselves. It wasn’t anything too deep, mostly conversations about the latest memes we had seen on Facebook, or movies, or something. But at least we were talking. It brought a smile to my face, especially when I thought of how hard it must have been for Danny to be honest about his anxiety issues. We talked for almost an hour before people started breaking up to head home. Rory went off to the showers quick, leaving me and Danny alone to pick up the chairs.

  “Thanks,” Danny said as he folded up another chair. “For doing this.”

  I shook my head. “I really didn't do anything.”

  Now it was Danny’s turn to shake his head. “But you did, man. You gave people a place to come to feel safe, And your videos? Maybe people aren’t posting it, but you know that they’ve got to be helping people.”

  “Yeah, me showing my weird has to to be real helpful.”

  “It’s not you showing your weird. It’s you being you.”

  “And I happen to be weird,” I said, hanging my chair up on the rack. “But, I guess I’m okay with, I mean, being weird.”

  “You’re my kind of weird, though,” Danny said as he handed me another chair. “If that makes sense.”

  “I think you’re complimenting me, but I’m not sure.”

  “Totally complimenting you,” Danny said. “And I think you should keep it up.”

  “I’m just trying to make sure we don’t end up with another Noah.”

  “I’m glad someone is,” Dannysaid. “See you at school tomorrow.”

  “Sure thing.”

  Danny grabbed his bagged and trotted out of the room. I made sure everything had been put away before grabbing my stuff and heading to the locker room. I pushed the door open and stepped into the room, keenly aware that Rory was on the phone with someone. It only took a moment before I realized that he didn't know I was there.

  “Shawna, you’re overreacting,” I heard him say. There was a pause and he sighed. “It doesn’t change him. He’s still my best friend.”

  I bit my lower lip. Once again, I tried to decide whether or not I should make my presence known. I edged closer to the lockers, hoping that maybe he might hear me walking.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I heard Rory ask. “That’s the stupidest fucking thing that I have ever heard.”

  There was another pause and a loud bang as Rory slammed something into a locker.

  “Then I guess we’re never gonna be a thing,” Rory snapped. I could hear the anger in his voice. “And don’t you ever think that I’ll change my mind. Small minded jerks like you are the reason that he feels like he needs to keep all this to himself. Oh, and tell Hunter he has a small dick.”

  Although you couldn’t actually hear someone slam down the phone, I could feel the tension rack up a few notches. I swallowed hard and eased my way back to the door, carefully pushing it open before slipping back outside.

  I leaned against the wall and took several deep breaths. I started to feel queasy. I knew that my friends would get a target painted on their backs, although I never really thought that someone would go so far as to not date one of them due to their friendship with me. I never wanted to be the reason that my friends couldn’t get dates.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, pushing away the racing thoughts that threatened to overrun my mind. Luckily, the door opened and Rory came walking out, looking unflappable as usual. Of course, I wasn’t nearly that good at hiding my emotions.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Fine,” I lied.

  “Henry, don’t do this to me. If you need to talk about something, I’m here.”

  “I know you are,” I replied. “But I’m good, just tired.”

  Rory narrowed his eyes at me and leaned forward. “Alright, I’ll let it slide this time.”

  I gave a short nervous laugh, which I’m sure did nothing to change his mind. “Can we just go, please? We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

  “Lead on, master,” Rory said as he bowed deeply.

  “You’re such an ass.”

  “No, I have a great ass.”

  I rolled my eyes as we headed for the parking lot.

  CHAPTER 16

  “Don’t let the behavior of

  others destroy your inner peace.” ~ Dalai Lama

  The next day when we arrived at school, something felt off. As I stepped out of my mom’s car, I got several strange looks. I took a deep breath and started walking toward the doors. Rory and Tab came jogging over to me. They both wore rather grim looks.

  “Uh oh. Why do you two look like that?”

  Rory frowned. “There’s a vibe. You know, a disturbance in the force or something.”

  I took a deep breath but smiled at Rory’s Star Wars reference. “Yeah, okay, there might be something. But you know what we were prepared for this… right?”

  “We were?” Tab asked.

  Both Rory and I arched our eyebrows at him.

  “Yeah, we were,” I replied.

  “Right,” Tab said.

  “Besides
, this was bound to happen eventually,” I added. “I mean we pretty much sent that video out to, well, everyone.”

  Now, that being said, I still wasn’t wholly prepared for the number of stares that I was getting as I walked into school. As soon as we stepped through the doors, it seemed like time had stopped and everyone’s attention was on me. I felt both Rory and Tab inch closer to me. The protective gesture was comforting, as much as I would hate to admit it. I took a deep breath and tried not to pay attention to the wary stare that everyone was giving me.

  “You’d think its fucking nineteen fifty,” Rory muttered as we came around the corner.

  I nodded in response and tried to push down the growing feeling of apprehension and unease that was threatening to take hold. The further we got down the hall, the less people seemed to be staring and the sounds of the usual hallway clammer grew louder.

  “Always knew you were a fucking weirdo.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks, Hunter’s words cutting through the clamor of the hall around me. I turned around, Rory and Tab turning with me. Hunter was standing behind us with his phone out. He waggled it in the air.

  “I mean, fine, you like lightsabers, but to say that you’re into dudes, what the hell is wrong with you? I mean, we have PE together, we shower together, and you’ve been checking out my junk the entire time.”

  Now, the hallway began to grow silent, the talking eventually fading away into hushed whispers. I started to quickly weigh my options. I knew that my parents would tell me to walk away, and not let it bother me, but there was another part of me that wanted to walk over there and punch Hunter right in the face. I took notice that most of the football players had gathered around him as well, backing him up like some sort of giant wall of homophobic meatheads.

  “What the hell did you say, twatwaffle?”

  I had expected that kind of response from Rory or Tab. I was not expecting it from Danny, who had just stepped out of the crowd of onlookers. “And if you’re worried about your junk, I think that we all know it isn’t anything special.”

  That comment sent murmurs through the crowd.

  “What? You a faggot now, too?” Hunter sneered.