Listening to Love

by Beth Wiseman

  “You have hay in your beard.” She offered a weak smile as her stomach grumbled. She hadn’t been able to eat more than a few crackers yesterday, and she’d skipped her protein shake this morning.

  “Trade hazard.” Moses grinned as he pointed to some papers on the corner of her desk. “Those are the signature forms for the two large accounts, so you can sign checks for the business bills.”

  Cecelia lifted an eyebrow, trying to grin back at him. “Mighty trusting, aren’t you?”

  “Ya, I guess I am.” He ran his hand through his beard. “But I’m just going to pay you cash, if that’s okay.”

  Cecelia nodded, though she wondered if he just didn’t want to report her income to the IRS. Even the Amish had to file a tax return like the rest of the population.

  She signed the bank forms. There were a few others beneath them with her name affixed to the signature lines and highlighted yellow, so she signed those, too, since they both had the same bank name at the top in large print. She was glad Moses had everything highlighted so she didn’t have to wear her glasses in front of him. Maybe she needed different glasses since she was so self-conscience wearing the ones she had. She’d worn the hideous spectacles to write out checks while Moses wasn’t around. She didn’t want to make any mistakes with his finances.

  “Is something wrong?” Moses squinted, seeming to search her expression.

  “No.” She placed her hands on two stacks of bills. “I’m ready to pay these if you are. Everything related to the horses is here.” She placed her hand on one pile. “And anything related to farm repairs and maintenance is in this group.” She tapped the other stack.

  He stepped closer to her and tilted his head to one side. “Nee, that’s not what I mean. You look like you’ve been crying.”

  He was observant, but she wasn’t prepared to talk to him about Tom. She and Moses had shared quite a bit Friday night, but Cecelia didn’t want to have a conversation about Tom until she decided how she felt about the flowers and note.

  “I didn’t sleep well last night.” She stifled a yawn and forced a smile.

  “You could have come in later. Or not at all. Remember, the hours are flexible. We settled on ten to three, but you can change that up anytime you want to.” He smiled, but it wasn’t his usual complacent expression. “You’re sure you are okay?”

  Cecelia pulled her eyes from his, nodded, and looked down at the desk. If he kept asking her that, she might burst into tears. She looked back at him when he squatted by her chair. “Even though you have sad eyes, I like the no-makeup look.” He smiled. Cecelia’s lack of makeup had more to do with the fact that she’d overslept, but she thanked him. Under different circumstances, she would have been self-conscious and felt underdressed without it.

  “Let’s get out of here,” he said. “It’s a gorgeous day without a cloud in the sky.”

  She stiffened. “What? No . . .” She nodded at the piles of bills. “I have a lot to do, and . . .” She hadn’t meant to slip up about having financial woes when they were talking last Friday, and she was embarrassed to say that she needed the money.

  “You’ll still get paid, but I need help with a horse.”

  Cecelia opened her mouth to protest but didn’t get a word in.

  “You will be on the other side of a fence, not in the same area as the horse.” Moses stood and reached out his arm. “Come on. A little fresh air will do you gut.”

  Cecelia took his hand but let go when she was on her feet. She brushed the wrinkles out of her red T-shirt and looked down at her blue jeans and running shoes. “I guess I am dressed for it today.”

  “You look beautiful, as always.” He winked, and surprisingly she felt a little lighter on her feet.

  “Thank you.” She followed Moses out of the house and down the porch steps, eyeing the massive horse as they walked toward him. At least he was contained in a large fenced arena and couldn’t get to her.

  As they crossed the grass, she looked up. “You were right, not a cloud in the sky.”

  They were quiet, then Cecelia couldn’t hold it in any longer. Maybe Moses would have some words of wisdom.

  “Tom sent me flowers, and he’s also texted me a couple times.” She bit her bottom lip when Moses slowed and scratched the side of his face.

  “Ach, I see. This is what has you looking like you lost your best friend today?” Cecelia thought of Natalie right away and hoped her daughter was doing okay. She’d spoken on the phone with her yesterday but not this morning. Hopefully, Natalie would still come by to see her today, like she’d said.

  “It’s just confusing.” She shook her head as Moses picked up the pace again. “I always thought I’d take him back, no matter what. But now I’m not so sure.”

  Moses looked her way. “Ya, we touched on that subject the other night, and I sensed you might take him back if you had a chance to. But I think sometimes people want what they can’t have. Now that the possibility has arisen, he might not be looking as good anymore.”

  Cecelia thought for a few moments, trying to decide if there was any truth to what Moses said, especially since she’d recently had those same thoughts.

  “Pray about it. You’ll get answers.” He opened the gate when they reached the arena. Cecelia was glad she didn’t have to go inside.

  She’d tried to pray about it, but she wasn’t sure what to pray for, and the whole process of talking to God felt strange to her. Glancing at Moses, she realized she had expected more of a reaction from him, which now sounded silly in her mind. A few compliments from an Amish man she barely knew shouldn’t affect her decisions about Tom.

  Moses reached for a video recorder that hung by its strap on the fence post, and he handed it to Cecelia. She hadn’t seen one like it in decades. It was big and awkward to hold. “Your job is to video me trying to green break that horse so I can take him to the auction. He’s a bit of a monster, but that’s because his prior owner didn’t treat him well. I’ll watch the video several times, I’m sure, so I can see where his sensitive areas are. He seems to favor his left side, and he gets really nervous if I get anywhere near his right side. I had a vet check him out, and he got a clean bill of health.”

  “I thought you weren’t supposed to be in pictures or videos.” Cecelia eyed the video recorder, searching for the record button. She’d probably have better luck videoing him with her cell phone instead of this outdated device, but she found the button and saw that it was charged.

  “We’re not. But this horse has kicked me twice, and I’m going to break the no picture or video rule so he doesn’t end up killing me. Besides, it’s not a posed picture, and it’s related to my work.”

  “Okay.” Cecelia shrugged as she flashed him a fake smile. “But try not to get injured, because I’m not coming in there to save you.”

  He chuckled before he closed the gate behind him and swaggered toward the horse. Just like a cowboy.

  * * *

  Helen jumped when her husband came up behind her and gently took the binoculars from her. “Mei lieb, you’ve turned into a spy. It’s not our business what is going on at Moses’s haus.”

  “Look at them.” She sneered as she pointed out the bedroom window. “They are carrying on like teenagers, laughing and being silly, and I saw Cecelia put a hand on his shoulder. I feel like she and her daughter are up to no gut, even though she didn’t seem happy about Lucas and Natalie spending time together.” She spun around to face her husband. “And, speaking of that, something is wrong with Lucas. He hasn’t eaten much the past couple of days, and he’s been quiet.”

  Isaac sighed as he rubbed tired eyes. He’d been fighting a terrible cold. Helen was glad he wasn’t working today. The boys had finally convinced him that they had control of work projects and home improvements, and he should rest. With Helen’s tossing and turning all night, he probably wasn’t getting enough sleep.

  She knew worry was a sin, but it had crept up on her years ago and latched on like a leech when she fir
st started having children. She worried about each of them, and she prayed daily for God to ease the burdens she carried for her family. Those burdens were not hers to carry since each child had his or her own path to travel to reach their destiny. Even so, the boundless love of a parent had kept her up many a night, worrying.

  Isaac sat on the bed. “I have noticed that Lucas does not seem to be himself, but I haven’t wanted to pry. He will come to us if he needs to.”

  “I hope so.”

  Helen stared out the window a few more minutes before deciding to check on the girls in the kitchen. She wanted to see how they were coming along with food preparation for a bake sale that afternoon. Cecelia wasn’t one of Helen’s children. She wasn’t even a friend. Helen was wasting time worrying over a situation she had no control over. If Moses had taken a fancy to Cecelia, it needn’t be Helen’s concern.

  Lucas, however, remained at the forefront of her thoughts.

  * * *

  Natalie grabbed her purse and was leaving to go see her mother when someone knocked.

  She opened the door and saw Mary standing on the other side of the threshold. Natalie brought a hand to her chest. “What’s wrong? You wouldn’t have hired a driver to get here if it wasn’t an emergency.”

  Mary threw her arms around Natalie, which brought on the familiar knot in Natalie’s throat. She’d been so hurt that she hadn’t heard from Mary since she ran out on them Friday, but she returned the embrace.

  “Not having you in my life would be tragic.” Mary eased away. “So coming to see you felt like an emergency. I remembered that you didn’t have classes today. I wanted to call. Even Levi said I should call, and you know how he feels about cell phones. But mei phone was dead. I hadn’t been anywhere to charge it, and besides . . . I thought this was a conversation we needed to have in person.”

  Natalie stepped aside so Mary could come in, then closed the door behind her.

  Mary nodded to Natalie’s purse hanging on her shoulder. “Ach. I caught you leaving.”

  “It’s okay.” Natalie walked the short distance to the vintage red couch Adeline had left her. She knew it wasn’t everyone’s style, but Natalie loved it. She let her purse slip off her shoulder. “I was going to go see my mother, but it can wait.”

  Mary sat down beside her and gingerly ran a hand along the armrest of the sofa, surely with fond memories of Adeline. She sighed. “You looked so hurt when you left Friday. I just wanted to explain why I waited so long to talk to you.”

  Natalie pinched her lips together as they started to tremble. She was so tired of crying, but tears filled her eyes anyway. “I felt like it was the three of you against me, like I’d done something wrong. I know I’ve joked about being the outsider, but I’d never really felt like one until that night.” She covered her face as she started to cry.

  Mary scooted closer and wrapped an arm around her. “I know that’s how it must have seemed, but none of us knew what to do.” She paused. “And actually . . . Levi and Lucas had words after you left. I actually thought they were going to get physical.”

  Natalie uncovered her face and swiped at her tears, sniffling. “Well, that’s pretty unheard of. What happened?”

  “Levi loves you like a sister, Natalie. He was angry with Lucas for letting things get this far. The conversation escalated with both of them clenching their fists. They both held back, but emotions were running high.” Mary lowered her eyes as she fidgeted with her black apron. “And I love Lucas, he’s my schweeger, my brother-in-law. And we love you. I almost felt like I was going to have to choose between the two of you, at least regarding who would come to supper on Friday nights.”

  Mary said they loved her. But Lucas hadn’t told her that night that he loved her. “I thought Lucas and I could stay friends without things getting so complicated.”

  “I know that’s what you thought, but Levi and I have seen other instances when an Amish person has become involved with one of the Englisch, and it almost never works out. Someone, or both parties, ends up being hurt, which is what happened with you and Lucas.”

  Natalie thought for a few seconds. “Maybe I should talk to him. He hasn’t called, and I haven’t called him. Surely there’s a way we can still be friends.”

  Mary sighed as she looked at Natalie, her eyes giving away what she was about to say. “I don’t see how. Won’t you always want to be with him as more than a friend? And unless you are willing to convert to our way of life, you will only continue to hurt each other.” She paused, pressing her lips together. “Lucas will never leave our faith, Natalie. I’m convinced of that, and so is Levi.”

  “And I don’t want him to. I know how important his faith and family are to him.” Natalie’s shoulders shook as she started to cry again.

  Mary waited until she’d regained a little control before she put a hand on Natalie’s knee. “But if you want to talk to Lucas, then you should. I just don’t want things to get worse.”

  “I know.” Natalie reached for a box of tissues on the coffee table and set it in her lap, pulling one out to blow her nose.

  “Lucas is hurting, as I know you are.” Mary took her hand back and folded them in her lap. “This is why Levi and I showed concern, because we could tell before you and Lucas that the two of you were falling in lieb. You just didn’t know it yet.” Mary waved a hand around Natalie’s apartment. Over the past few months, Natalie had been able to buy a bedroom set, some pictures, and other odds and ends that completed the eclectic charm she’d been looking for. “Could you give up all of this? Electricity—your hair dryer, lights, TV—your car, the type of clothes you wear, and all the other things that wouldn’t be allowed if you sought a life with Lucas?”

  Natalie let Mary’s questions sink in. These were just things, possessions, but it was the only way of life Natalie had ever known. Even though she thought being Amish was more of a spiritual issue, she wasn’t ready to dive into a conversation about that right now. She shook her head. “No. But I feel like I will think about Lucas, and miss him, for the rest of my life. And I feel so stupid that I didn’t foresee having this much heartache. Logically, I knew we couldn’t be together, but I guess I wanted to be close to him as long as I could.”

  Mary lowered her eyes but looked up when Natalie began to explain.

  “I think I know why God put Lucas in my life. Lucas taught me how to have a relationship with God and to have real faith. Without us spending that time together, I’m not sure I ever would have known how awesome it is to know God on such a personal level.” Her lip quivered as she went on. “But maybe that’s where our friendship was meant to end.”

  Mary offered a weak smile. “I think you might be right. There’s never a way to know why Gott allows us to suffer, but in this case, I think it might have been for Lucas to lead you to Him. Knowing what you know now, can you imagine your life without Gott in it?”

  Natalie shook her head. “No, I can’t.” She blew her nose again, then got a fresh tissue and dabbed at her eyes. “It changed me. I feel God with me and around me all the time. I talk to Him several times a day, and I can feel when my prayers are answered. But . . .” She swallowed hard.

  Mary took a deep breath. “But you’re a little mad at Him for allowing you to be hurt like this.”

  “A little.” Natalie folded her arms across her chest. “God is God. You would think He could have managed the end result better.” She heard how childish she sounded.

  “How do you know this is the end result? You’re nineteen years old with your entire life ahead of you. You can’t understand His plans for you, and you might not understand what is happening now for a long time. Maybe not until all things are answered when you get to heaven.”

  Natalie smiled, mostly for Mary’s benefit. “Maybe you’ll have to take up where Lucas left off. I know ministering isn’t normally the Amish way, but I will always be grateful that Lucas showed me the path to God.”

  “And now you know Gott and are building a relationshi
p with Him. But I am here for you, Natalie, if you have questions or if I can help you work through something.”

  They were quiet for a while.

  “There is something else I want to ask you about.” Mary twirled one of the strings on her prayer covering, her nervous habit. Natalie wondered what could be worse than what happened between her and Lucas.

  “What is it?” She stiffened and drew in a deep breath.

  “Lucas said you’re having trouble with school, with your class related to becoming a veterinarian.” She cast her eyes downward briefly before she looked back at Natalie. “And we saw your reaction about giving Maxwell his shot of insulin. I know becoming a vet has always been your dream. Maybe you just need time to get used to the parts of the job that bother you.”

  Natalie clutched her hands in her lap and sighed. “My mother said the same thing. I love animals, but I’m not sure I could get used to drawing blood or giving shots.”

  “You’re not going to quit school, are you?” Mary’s eyes widened. “Adeline was hoping you would go to college. Even if you decide you don’t want to pursue a career as a vet, I hope you’ll keep going.”

  “I think I need to reevaluate my reasons for going to college. I know Adeline wanted me to go, but she knew I wanted to be a vet, the way she once did. I feel like, as crazy as it sounds, I’m in the process of finding myself in a lot of ways. I think Adeline would appreciate and respect that. I’m learning about God. My mother and I are working to repair our relationship. Then there’s Lucas and me.” She threw up her hands. “I don’t know. I might put college on hold for a semester.”

  Mary stood. “Give yourself time to decide. You’re very emotional right now. Pray about it. Gott will give you the answers and show you the way.” She glanced at the clock on the wall. “The driver is waiting for me, so I should go.”

  “Thanks for coming by.” Natalie reached for her purse and stood, walked with Mary to the door, and hugged her friend. “I can’t imagine you and Levi not being in my life.” Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence.