Kissing Kyle

by Laurie Lochs

  "Oh, Daddy," he cried, burying his face in my thighs. My heart throbbed. This was a perfect boy. I was the luckiest Daddy in the world.

  In real life, I’d come with no less intensity than in my fantasy. Unlike my dreams, however, I had to find a clean towel to mop up the remains of passion from my chest. With my toes, I grabbed a seashell-pink towel from the floor and flung it over my head. I was just about to clean myself when, suddenly, the phone rang.

  Chapter 13

  Kyle

  * * *

  I took a deep breath and waited for Mark to pick up. I paced back and forth, unable to stop. I clenched my fists and fought the anxiety rising in my throat, hot and bubbling.

  At last, the line clicked.

  "Mark?"

  I waited for his response. But there was nothing.

  "Mark?" I whispered again, this time with more force. My voice shook. Was he with someone else? Was he with Bruce?

  Finally, Mark answered. His voice was gruff. ”Kyle? Is everything all right?"

  I fought back a sniffle. In the end, I couldn't help but cry. "No," I whispered, burying my face in my elbow. "It's Ma. I think she had a stroke."

  Mark gasped. "Are you sure?"

  "I don't know," I stammered, "but I think so. Or a heart attack. She's been having chest pain for weeks."

  "Did you call an ambulance?"

  "No," I whispered, unable to stop myself. "I-I was sitting in my room when I walked downstairs and saw her hunched over the table. I didn't know what to do."

  "You have to call an ambulance, Kyle."

  "No," I blurted out, unable to stop myself. "I can't. I don't think Ma has health insurance, Mark -- T-There's no way we can pay for an ambulance."

  "Don't even think about who's going to pay," Mark snapped, "it will get paid for. Okay?

  "Okay," I whispered, unable to raise my eyes from the floor. Ma was still slouched over the table. I’d tried to tap her shoulders, but she hadn’t responded. All she'd been capable of was a weak groan.

  "Just know that I can't afford this, Mark," I gasped, my voice warped by tears.

  "Don't get off the phone, Kyle. I'm calling 911 on my work line. Don't move. The ambulance should be there in ten minutes or less."

  "Okay," I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. I was so glad Mark had driven me back to my house a week ago and that I didn't stay overnight. It meant he knew my address without needing to ask.

  "Just stay on the line with me, okay, boy?”

  "I'm not going anywhere," I whispered, clenching my fists. Come hell or high water, I was going to see it through and get Ma to the hospital ASAP.

  I took a deep breath and forced myself to sit by the front window. I wanted to wait with Ma but I couldn't sit by her side while they ambulance was en route. I needed to watch it pull up to the front of the house. I listened to Mark's breathing on the phone and it calmed me.

  "Kyle?" he asked after two minutes had passed.

  I took a deep breath. "Yes?"

  "It should be there any second. I'm going to meet you at the hospital right away."

  "Okay," I whispered, exhaling sharply. My chest compressed like I wasn't able to breathe. "Thank you."

  Mark said nothing. But I knew he was nodding slowly on the other end of the line.

  There was nothing to do but wait.

  Chapter 14

  Mark

  * * *

  “Kyle?”

  I glanced up. It was the nurse who’d been taking care of Ma for the past few hours. Rachel, her name was. I almost didn’t recognize her kind face and beautiful dreadlocks through the haze of sleep.

  Kyle stirred but he didn’t respond. I tapped him on the shoulder but he was fast asleep.

  “Oh, fuck.” Rachel spun around. “Wrong fucking form.”

  “No worries.”

  “I’ll be back.”

  Rachel left Kyle and I alone. We'd been sitting at the hospital for hours. I held Kyle the entire time as the nurses checked Ma’s vitals and wheeled her to various rooms for tests. All the while, Kyle held back tears. I wanted to scoop him in my arms and comfort him. But I knew he had to process this alone.

  Ma wasn't blood but, then again, family didn't have to be blood… It was about who cared for you and helped you. Family looked out for each other. That was more than Kyle’s mother, who entered him into the foster care system when he was still a boy, had ever done. Whereas his own mother had failed, Ma showed him she cared in infinite ways. In letting him stay at her home to not just telling him about but paying for his real estate class, Ma had nurtured and helped him in the past few months since he’d been back in Minneapolis more than anyone. Certainly more than Ms. Molly and the others at Safe Boys ever did. Whereas they’d been mandated to at least do something by the state, Ma's generosity sprung from a place much more meaningful. It came from her heart.

  And wasn't it ironic that her heart was where she'd been hit the hardest? If she didn't eat healthier, she’d need a stent. Obviously, that was something Kyle couldn't afford. Though my firm was struggling I still had enough packed away to help her -- but that could wait. What mattered first and foremost was that Ma got the help she needed to stay healthy. She needed to make life decisions that would lead her to that goal. Kyle needed her now more than ever. And I needed Kyle to be all right.

  I brought Kyle close and kissed his forehead. He was fast asleep. I wondered what he was dreaming about. Was he thinking of his time in the woods with Blakely and Trevor? Or another time altogether?

  Or maybe he was thinking about this moment, right now, with the nurses taking care of Ma, and my arm draped around his left should like a comfort blanket. Is that what his mind was replaying? Because it was what I was thinking about. It was all I could think about in this dim hospital with the flickering lights and nurses running back and forth.

  Suddenly, Kyle stirred. He looked up at me with the most innocent coffee brown eyes and sobbed.

  “Shhh,” I whispered, stoking his hair. “It’s okay, little one. Everything is going to be okay.”

  “I-I just want her to be okay,” he said, his voice barely audible over the rustle of passing nurses.

  “Kyle,” I began, “I promise she’ll be alright.”

  Kyle buried himself in my arm and wiped his tears. I kissed his forehead to let him know we were in this together. Anything that happened to Ma affected me as much as him. If he cried, I’d be there to wipe his tears.

  At last, Rachel returned to tell us Ma was okay. “She’s going to need to take medication for a while,” Debbi said, “but she’s going to get through it.”

  “Thank you,” Kyle whispered, rubbing his eyes. “Thank you so much.”

  “And you,” Rachel said, turning to me, “I really shouldn’t say this, but… Well, seeing as you’re her son, you’re going to have to make sure she starts eating healthier. If she drinks tea, cut out the sugar. Same with the salt. She’s a strong woman, but she’s got to start taking her health seriously.”

  “He’s not—” Kyle began, but I cut him off.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said, nodding silently. I knew better than to argue with a nurse in the E.R. Kyle stared at me in confusion but shrugged.

  Rachel sighed and brought Ma out of the examination room. The second she stepped into the lobby, Kyle threw his arms around her as fast as I could. “Ma,” he cried, burying his nose in her shoulder. “You’ve got to start being more healthy.”

  Ma sighed and kissed Kyle’s forehead. “I will, sweetheart,” she whispered, parting his hair. “I’m so thankful you’re with me, little one. You’re a blessing in my life.”

  “I love you, Ma,” Kyle said, unable to hold back sobs. Ma embraced him. A second later, we were all crying in the hotel lobby.

  “Come,” I said, guiding Ma through the door. “Let me drive you home.”

  “The ambulance cost so much,” she said, “I don’t see what harm getting an Uber would do at this point. You’ve been kind enough to help me this much
.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, biting my tongue. No wonder these two bonded so well. Neither of them could accept help without protest. “I’ll take you to the car.”

  “He has a BMW,” Kyle whispered, kissing Ma’s cheek. She let out a soft laugh. I couldn’t help but smile.

  It was time to bring her home. When we arrived at the house, Kyle immediately tucked Ma into bed while I sat at the kitchen table nursing a cup of tea with brandy he’d made me. After tucking her in, Kyle returned and stood in the doorway.

  “Mark,” he whispered, staring me in the eyes. “I-I don’t know how to say this, but…”

  “Yes, little one?”

  “Well,” he began, shifting his weight from his left foot to his right, “I… Well, what I’m really trying to say is that I want you to stay.”

  A wave of guilt washed over me. How could I tell this boy I couldn’t stay? Helping he and Ma was one thing. But spending the night was another. We’d only returned from the hospital twenty minutes ago. If I stayed, I couldn’t promise myself that I wouldn’t try something with Kyle I’d regret. The last thing I wanted was to subvert the hospitality he and Ma had shown me by disrespecting her home. It was disrespectful to spend the night… Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to contain myself to the couch.

  “Look,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “I understand your needs, Kyle. But I’m not prepared to spend the night. Not right now. I would never forgive myself if we—”

  “If we what?” Kyle blurted out. But he immediately threw his hands over his mouth. He was embarrassed.

  “If we make passion, boy.” I wrapped Kyle in my arms and pressed my lips on his. The boy gave himself to me, pressing his lips against mine and gasping.

  “We don’t have to do anything,” Kyle whispered when we broke apart. He rubbed his eyes. “I swear, Mark. You can sleep on the couch.”

  I nodded slowly. But that wasn’t going to change my mind. While Kyle’s mind may have thought that was the case, his lips told another story. The boy needed passion. And I wasn’t prepared to offer it. Besides, I was his fucking teacher now… There were too many variables that could fuck this up for good.

  “Not tonight.” My voice was resolute, firm.

  Kyle nodded softly. But I could tell he was pissed. I hugged him one last time and silently left the house.

  I was about to enter the BMW when Kyle suddenly appeared by my side. His eyes brimmed with tears and his voice was soft. “Please don’t go.”

  “I have to, Kyle,” I whispered, studying his innocent face in the moonlight. “It’s for the best.”

  “Please don’t,” he whispered, staring at his feet.

  But I couldn’t stay. So I slipped into the cold BMW and left.

  Chapter 15

  Kyle

  * * *

  It was eleven o’clock the next morning when I finally regained some semblance of consciousness. The events of the night washed over me like cold rain. Ma, the hospital, Rachel the nurse, Mark… They all blended together in a dark tapestry of bad things and horrible endings.

  And so I sat in the second row, staring at the whiteboard and processing nothing. I was unable to scrub the events of the previous night from my mind. To say I hadn't slept the entire night was an understatement. I couldn't believe I was back at class and not at home helping Ma where I belonged.

  But most of all, I was hurt. Mark hadn’t wanted to spend the night. Had I offended him? Was asking if he wanted to stay that bad? I needed him more than ever and he left me. Instead of welcoming me into his arms, he’d abandoned me. I’d had to sleep alone.

  Of course it wasn’t like I didn't know where he was coming from. He was absolutely right that it would be highly inappropriate to "make any moves" on me while Ma was sick. He was taking advantage of a nineteen-year-old boy who was a student in his class. Or if not a child, a young adult without any options. Talk about a power imbalance. Hell, even if she weren't sick, it would have been wrong… To some. From that point of view, he did the right thing. The brave thing. The noble thing.

  I did not see things from that point of view.

  Because in that moment, with terror running through my veins, all I wanted was for him to comfort me. Hold me close and make me forget everything. Remind me of better times and take me to a NeverLand where I wouldn’t have to deal with intrusive reality again. In his arms I could be a Lost Boy forever and he could be my Peter Pan.

  Let me be safe with you. Let me be young forever.

  I glanced at the clock. It was already past eleven thirty. Where the hell was Mark? Peter had said that Mark was going to help us the entire week. He'd start in the morning and, if we hadn't wrapped up everything, he would help us out in the afternoon, too. But Mark was nowhere to be found. Did he leave because of me? Had he reneged on his promise to help our class – the same class that was just beginning to understand the advanced concepts? He'd inspired the class more than words could explain. The last thing we needed was for the man who had lit a flame in us to abandon us at the worst possible moment.

  I was about to get up for a drink of water. Before I could move, Mark suddenly burst through the doors and wiped sweat from his forehead. “Class,” he began, “use this an example of what not to do. When you’re with a client, you should never, ever be late.”

  I shifted in my seat. I was the reason he was late.

  Mark cleared his throat and shuffled his notes on podium in front of him. Suddenly, a wave of guilt washed over me. He was trying to center himself. I recognized the gesture because I'd done it a million times. Not at a podium, but other places. He was trying to force from his mind the events of the previous night and focus on the task at hand… Which could only mean I was responsible and that clearly he held me in contempt.

  I was the world's biggest jerk. All this while, I'd assumed Mark had been a stalwart warrior and that nothing could phase him. He was the man who built an empire from scratch and never let anything slow him down. His business was a success and he batted failures from his path like bees in the summer. But here he was, showing the most intense vulnerability I'd ever seen on a human being in a classroom setting. My actions last night had brought this bonafide Hoplite warrior to his knees.

  At last, Mark found his comfort zone and began to go through the exercises from the textbook. I couldn’t do anything but stare at my textbook. To say I was embarrassed was an understatement. All of a sudden, I wanted to sink beneath the floor and go straight to hell. I wouldn’t need Jesus to judge me. I was fucked up in the head and had turned off the one man who cared.

  Mark switched gears and pulled up a problem set on depreciation. He called on a blonde girl in the front row to help him with a problem. I'd seen her a few times. She'd gotten into real estate because her previous job selling honey-baked ham at Lund's and Byerly's in Edina didn't pan out. She wanted to take her life to the next level and provide for herself and her fiancé. Mark didn't know any of this but clearly he saw something in her that made him trust giving her the marker to solve the problem on the whiteboard.

  "So if we take a 30 year fixed-rate loan," he began, "with an interest rate of 3.9% – and that's low, just so you know, Carol – you're not going to get interest rates that low forever – how much is the family's monthly payment?"

  Carol paused. Had she not done the reading?

  But then something washed across Mark's face. "Oh, my God," he said, shaking his head. "I'm so sorry. You don't have enough information to solve the question. Here," he said, "assume that their down payment is $25,000 and the house they have under contract costs $250,000. What is the monthly payment?"

  A light shone across Carol's face. "$675."

  "Very good, Carol," he said, nodding slowly.

  I watch the scene in utter disbelief. My jaw was on the floor. This was perhaps the worst lesson Mark had ever given and it was all my fault. I'd screwed up his business and now I was screwing up the one thing he was doing to make himself productive in society. Volun
teering with a bunch of morons like us who needed help figuring out a monthly payment. It was pathetic.

  My eyes stung. I was about to bring my hand to my eyes when my name suddenly rang out from the front of the classroom. "Kyle," the voice began, "why don't you come up and solve for a balloon loan?"

  My heart stopped. Had he… Had he really just called me? Seriously?

  I had no choice but to go. "Okay, Mr. Godin," I said, slowly exiting my desk. I tiptoed to the whiteboard and try not to make eye contact with the man who held my fate in the palm of his hand.

  "Kyle," Mark said, trying to stifle an enormous yawn which suddenly made me doubt everything I’d been thinking. What if he was just tired? "Do what your classmate Carol did, but with a $500,000 house and an interest rate of 6%. You never know what the Fed is going to do. They could jack up interest rates any day. Homeowners need to prepare to pay more to the bank in these uncertain times. Colin Powell has nothing to stop him if he wants to jack rates up to 10% or drop them to zero."

  My eyes widened at the whiteboard. I had no idea what he was talking about. Clearly, his words had a lot with something besides the real estate lesson.

  "The point is, Kyle," he said, "you need to be able to help homeowners with these kinds of questions."

  I turned and stared at him. But Mark was just looking at the paper in front of him. It was almost as if he didn't hate me. In fact, he was treating me like a regular student. In doing so, it was almost like he didn't hold a grudge for ruining his night and life last night by taking me to the hospital — and inviting him to stay.

  "Okay," I began slowly, choosing my words with caution, "if you have a $500,000 house, then… Well, if it's a balloon loan, they don't have to worry about paying down the principal for the first 15 or so years. It all catches up with them in the end, like it did in the crisis of 2008."