But that was okay. He promised he wouldn’t miss this.
The Summer Solstice Barbeque was a huge event for the pack. And once Jules arrived, it would be my last event as Thyme.
“You’re in a good mood today,” Celeste noted as I tried to help string fairy lights around the rented room.
“My parents are coming.”
“And Jules too, right?”
I nodded, “He’s going to take me back.”
“We’ll support your decision, Thyme. Though I wish you’d reconsider.”
I shook my head, “Either way, Simon deserves a mate who can fit this life. And Red Rock deserves a true Alpha Female, not an imposter.”
She hummed an agreeing sound between her lips, “There’s still time to learn, you know. It would save the pack a great deal of embarrassment if the secret isn’t revealed.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
She could poke and prod and passive aggress all she wanted. Nothing would keep me from my mate.
Today was the day. My parents were coming to visit. The jig would be up. Jules would be here tonight to pick me up and this whole nightmare of being Thyme would be over.
I sent another text to Jules, wishing him a good flight. He didn’t respond immediately, but that was okay. He wouldn’t let me down.
“Alright so when the Willette’s get here we are....” Celeste had some of the shewolves lined up in the living room. She paced the group meeting their eyes as she waited for them to respond.
“Courteous.”
“Respectful.”
“Quiet.”
The shewolves rattled off more ridiculous expectations the Alpha Female had for them. The way they were going, a normal person would have assumed the Queen of England was coming for a visit, not a Sentinel from a tiny pack in Northern British Columbia.
“And if they ask about their daughter?”
“We’re still looking for her.”
“Haven’t given up.”
“Any day now.”
I rolled my eyes. Any day now. Not a chance. If Thyme had managed to stay hidden for over five years, she wasn’t coming back. Red Rock would have to accept that Thyme was not going to be their Alpha Female.
Because Rosemary was going home to her mate.
I checked my phone again. He’d have to be getting to the airport soon. I sent him another message.
Can’t wait to see you
After years of sporadic texts, voicemails, and short phone calls, I was going to have my mate back. No more sleeping alone.
No more pointless polite conversation with future Alpha’s mates. No more being Thyme. I did my best, but Simon was on his own after tonight.
“Hey.” Simon looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. I knew my decision to leave was wearing on him, but the dark circles illustrated just how much.
“Hey. Are you ready for tonight.”
He rubbed my arm, “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks. She could still come back,” I offered weakly.
He shrugged, “There’s a decent chance I’ll find a suitable Chosen Mate when I’m old enough.”
The bell chimed signaling the arrival of my parents, “Can you keep them distracted until Jules gets here?”
I hated to ask this of him. I hated to delay my own reunion. But telling the truth of the last six years was something I wanted to have Jules by my side for.
I spent the entire night glued to my phone. Checking the status of his flight. And once it landed, waiting for him to send me a message. That he’d arrived.
I called
And called.
No answer.
Darkness had fallen but I remained in my room. Then there was a knock.
I didn’t feel the pull that was promised to all Moon Blessed Mates. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t him.
I raced to the door and flung it open.
It wasn’t Jules.
It was Celeste, “I’m sorry. He isn’t coming.”
“What do you mean he’s not coming? What did you do?”
She bit her cheek, “You’re in pain so I’ll ignore that implication. I just got off the phone with Alpha Redford. Jules told him that he had to study and wouldn’t be coming.”
“Oh.”
“If you need some time alone, I understand. But we’d really appreciate if you at least came out to say goodbye before you leave.”
“Leave?”
Celeste nodded, “You said you wanted to go to Vancouver. We aren’t going to stop you. Though you know my feelings on the subject.”
“You want me to stay as Thyme.”
She nodded, “But, you were right. We can’t keep you from your mate out of our own selfishness.”
I paced my room. No, Thyme’s room. It was never meant to be mine. But the walls were decorated with my memories. Pictures of my friends, momentos from movies and concerts, and festivals I attended.
This wasn’t Thyme’s room.
It never was.
I dropped on the bed. The noisy springs a familiar and comforting noise against the agony of my decision.
I hated the pressure associated with being Thyme. But I liked the people. I liked my friends. I liked my pack. I loved the land and running as my wolf in the desert.
The pack had been there for me.
Jules was not.
I called his number again.
And as usual, he didn’t answer.
“Jules, it’s Rosie. You always choose studying. And like a good mate, I understood. When you'd take days to text me back, I didn't complain. But I asked you to choose me once. And your fear of disappointing your father and brother was more important than me. I can’t live that life, Jules.”
I bit back a sob, “You made your choice. And it wasn’t me. Rosemary’s gone forever now. I wish you well.”
I hung up the phone and let the tears come.
***
Hours later more knocking came on my door. I opened it to a frantic, much older version of my mother.
“Rosemary what are you doing? Where is Thyme?”
I pull her into the room and shut the door, shushing her.
“Thyme ran away years ago,” I give her a quick rundown of the whole story as quietly as I can, “And it’s just better this way, okay?”
“But your sister…”
“It’s been years, mom, I don’t think Thyme’s coming back. And I like Simon. We’re a good team.”
“But he’s not your mate.”
“Maybe he should have been. Maybe the Moon Goddess got confused which twin belonged to which wolf because-”
“I can’t condone this blasphemy.”
“Mom, please, think for just a moment,” I beg, “In all your time with Thyme did she ever say she wanted to be an Alpha female? Did she ever want to be the center of attention? Look at all the people here today. Could she do this?”
Mom paused her tirade and her mouth formed many shapes as she tried to find a counterpoint.
“No, she couldn’t, and that’s okay,” I continued, “Thyme left to find her happiness and I hope to the Moon Goddess and beyond she’s found it. But this life, Thyme’s life, wasn’t meant for her. And I know that deep in my heart and soul that it was always supposed to be me. Okay? So please don’t ruin this. It’s not just me that’ll be destroyed, this whole pack will crumble if the truth is revealed.”
“Why can’t you find your happiness in honesty, Rosie? Would this pack not accept you?”
“Red Rock isn’t like Spatsizi, mom. It’s not as simple here. There are humans and wolves and relationships with neighboring packs to consider and-”
“I will not expose you,” she said finally, “But I am incredibly disappointed in you. You abandoned your mate, stole your sister’s identity, and have defrauded the Alpha Council. That is not the way I raised you.”
“I understand. I’m sorry I failed to meet your standards. Maybe I should have just disappeared like Thyme,” I regretted my term and held up my hand b
efore she could respond, “Please disregard that. I’m speaking out of my own hurt.”
“Do you honestly expect no one to find out?”
“I tried but Jules... he didn’t want me.”
“So, you’re going to just steal Thyme’s mate.”
“What would you have me do, mom? Where can I go?”
Her lips formed into a thin line.
Warm arms wrapped around me and my mom pulled me in, “I’m sorry about Jules, Thyme.”
Rosemary was gone.
From this day forward, I was Thyme.
***
Red Rock, Arizona
3 months ago
“The Easterville review is coming up next week,” Simon said, “Dad wants me to go.”
“Sounds like fun. I’m not super keen on traveling to Minnesota in November but it shouldn’t be too cold right?”
“No, not us, just me.”
I stopped folding the clothes. Just him.
“But Celeste went with Alpha Hill last year.”
“She did.”
“And the year before.”
“Yup.”
“But not me.”
“Thyme it’s not like that.” He tried to wrap his arm around me, but I ducked out of it.
“No, they’ve been keeping me out of everything for a year. All I do is go to work and come home. Celeste gives me the barest minimum of responsibilities for pack functions. Last event I served punch.”
“They know you get stressed out if you have too much going on.”
“I gave up my mate for this pack, Simon. And I feel like your parents are trying to push me out.”
There, I said it. I’d been feeling it for months but had never dared to voice it.
“Fuck, Rosemary,” Simon rubbed the back of his neck, “Don’t put that on me. I didn’t ask you to do that.”
“I know, I’m not,” I waved my hand in front of my face, trying to catch the correct words that were floating all around my mind but not coming to my mouth, “But they did. They convinced me I was suitable, and I thought I was. And now they’re pushing me out and I’m afraid I gave it all up for nothing.”
Simon sighed, “I’ll tell them I won’t go without you. If they won’t treat you like they’d treat a future Alpha’s mate, then we won’t act like the future Alpha pair. Okay?”
I nod, “Okay. Thank you.”
He dropped onto my bed and leaned back, “Do you think we messed up? By starting this whole charade?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think your sister is alive?”
“I hope so.”
“Would you hate her if she ever came back?”
I dropped on the bed next to him. “Would I? I don’t know. But Redford and Spatsizi are looking for a missing female of my description. If she were anywhere near a wolf pack she’d have been found by now, right? So, either she’s deep in hiding or dead.”
Simon’s wolf whined deep in his chest, “I never got to apologize. To explain what was going on. If she’s dead, she died thinking I...”
I patted his leg. Simon’s aggrievement about just thinking that his mate thought poorly of him hurt my soul. Jules was living knowing I chose another wolf over him. But I didn’t choose another wolf. I just wanted another life.
How did my mother live like this? Knowing her Moon Blessed Mate was out in the world. I knew she loved my father, but was it enough? I loved Simon the way I loved any friend. I couldn’t imagine starting a family with him. Though, we would need to start talking about that soon.
Was this pain why my father was constantly on patrol? Was the knowledge that his mate pined for her true Blessing too much for him?
No, Thyme, I had to remind myself I wasn’t Rosemary. Jules didn’t choose me. His texts of apology weren’t enough.
Words are cheap.
Simon tried. He may have failed my sister, but they were young and immature.
He may not love me the way a mate should love their mate, but he was here. And I didn’t love him the way a mate should love a mate, but I was here too.
Maybe we’d learn to love each other.
We were young, we had time.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ginger
Tooth and Claw Pub Easterville, Minnesota
January Present Day
Everything was going smoothly, which was honestly, shocking. It seemed every female-identifying person in Easterville and the surrounding area were crammed into the Tooth and Claw. Streamers of green and yellow hung from the helm on the ceiling. Stacks of carefully wrapped packages in light blues, greens, and pinks took up most of the space on the bar.
All were here at my invitation to celebrate our favorite bionic barmaid, Lee Harris. My best friend glowed; her hand carefully cradled her rounding abdomen as she talked to her guests. Lee’s smile was broad as she laughed at stories from the older women. It seemed they all had an embarrassing labor story that they felt Lee needed to hear. Lee took it all in with her usual grace and love.
A part of me wanted to join them. The part that craved the feeling of being wrapped in the swell of a loving community coming together to celebrate. And there was nothing I’d rather celebrate than the soon-to-arrive Harris pup. I wanted to hear the stories, to share in the laughter, to be a part of the merriment.
I knew I couldn’t though. I had too much to do. I didn’t have stories of childbirth or babies to share. I had no tips or helpful advice for the new mother. I could contribute though. I had my time, my effort, and my organizational skills which I’d give to the wolf who’d given me so much.
When it was time to open gifts, I took dutiful notes of each gift and its giver. I noted Lee’s reaction, any comments she made. Lee didn’t know to ask for this favor, but knowing Lee, she’d be grateful when she saw it. Lee was the kind of shewolf who never left a kindness un-thanked. Her expressions of gratitude were genuine and specific. But, Lee’s memory had gotten foggy with pregnancy and I knew she’d hate to forget who gifted her what.
After gifts were given, games began. While the gathering sniffed chocolate and chili in diapers, I carefully packed Cain’s truck with the new gifts from the shower. I carried the gifts in small loads to stretch the chore. It was active. It was useful. It was safe. Which meant I was active, I was useful, and I was safe.
I hefted the final box into my arms and pushed out the door to the parking lot. The cold air felt good on my skin. It chilled the sweat that had formed from my effort and anxiety of being inside the suffocating crowd of the party. Overhead, the stars were hidden by a blanket of dust-grey clouds.
You don’t need the stars I reminded my wolf.
Not safe. She argued back. She couldn’t actually talk, but almost a decade of living in wolf form her emotions might as well be speech.
My wolf, my constant companion, the fierce scavenger was terrified of clouds and wasn’t embarrassed to tell me. She hated cloud cover. She’d prefer a bright sky with bitter cold to clouds. Years of having a roof over our head every night had not quelled her ingrained fear of clouds.
We’re safe, there are stars in our room.
Lying stars.
I hefted the final box into the truck and took cleansing breaths. The back lot was mostly empty, but the olfactory stain of diesel fuel and cigarette smoke lingered. In the distance, the forests of cedar trees, red and white pines called to my wolf. There was safety in the low boughs of the white pines. Comfort as tempting as the aromatic beds of red pine needles. These trees had been foreign when I first arrived, but my wolf grew to love them.
“There she is,” Cain’s voice boomed. I turned to look at my dear friend. When I first met him, he’d been just as underfed and dirty as I was. Almost three years since we came to Easterville at the request of the bear who’d taken us in, Cain was a different wolf, a happy healthy one.
The man in front of me was unrecognizable to the rogue of my memory. His dirty blond hair was neatly groomed and his face cleanly shaved. His bright green
eyes were no longer sunken in his aching loneliness and grief. They were gleaming with mischief and possibilities for the future. He was happy.
“Your mate is glowing,” I told him. Cain took great pride in Lee’s happiness. His grin widened whenever I mentioned her.
“This town loves her almost as much as I do,” Cain said, “And you have no idea how humbled she is by this party you threw.”
I flushed with the praise, “It was Louie’s idea.”
Louie Lark was a regular at the Tooth and Claw who was the father most RSC members, including myself, never had. It was a pity he was human. If he was a wolf, he would be revered as our Elder and we could care for him in his old age the way we longed to. As he wasn’t, we were limited by human social norms.
Cain grinned, “Louie had the idea, but this event was all Ginger.”
“Thanks, Cain,” I said, “I’m really glad Lee’s enjoying herself.”
I turned to walk back inside. The party was dying down and I could start cleaning while Lee gave her guests thanks you’s and goodbyes. I was distracted by my mental to-do list; I didn’t see the movement until it was too late.
Cain gently grasped my bicep, stopping me from leaving the conversation. I flinched. I didn’t mean to. I knew Cain would never hurt me. When I looked at him I saw the regret in his eyes. It was such a simple movement on his part and an instinctual response on mine. But my past fears kept me afraid, even when I knew there was nothing left to fear.
“Sorry,” I murmured and turned back to look at him. One flinch, and I was fighting to stay in the present. One touch and I struggled to keep my wolf from flying out of my skin and into the smallest hole she could find.
“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Cain said, his words were strained. I hesitated a look up and witnessed his jaw working as he struggled to get control of his own wolf.
I knew Cain would defend me to his dying breath. I knew he’d never hurt me; I knew it. But knowing did not change my past. Knowledge does not ease my fears. It just served to frustrate me and my friends.
“What do you need?” I asked. My voice cracked and I hated it as much for the pain it brought to his eyes as the weakness I heard in myself.
“I was going to ask a favor-” Cain started to say, but he waved it off.
Ginger and Thyme (Kootenai Pack Book 4) Page 14
