by Kellyn Roth
Then a letter came in the mail for Miss Selle informing her that there’d been a change of plans. Alice would be going home for at least a month. The letter was written by Miss Lois Elton, but Alice could read between the lines. She was going home to see Mummy.
Alice packed everything hours before Nettie was supposed to arrive, then lingered about the house, underfoot. A few teachers scolded her half-heartedly, but they probably knew of her excitement and restlessness.
Nettie was on her way! Alice would go home to London. Her mother and sister would be there. Nothing could possibly be better.
“Miss Alice, your nanny is here for you.”
Then Alice dashed out the front door, and Nettie hugged her tight—laughing, crying, telling her she was coming home, and stroking her hair because Alice was crying, too.
Jameson was there, too. He helped Alice into the hired carriage and then, much to Alice’s shock, hopped in after Nettie.
Nettie caught Alice gawking at him and reprimanded her for staring. Alice found her eyes attracted to Nettie’s left hand. She was wearing a ring.
“Nettie!” She blinked as if the ring might disappear, a figment of her imagination, but it didn’t. “Are you … you and Jameson …?”
Nettie blushed. “Gracie, Jameson and I are engaged—Tuesday last.” She glanced at Jameson and smiled. “But we want your permission, of course.”
Alice glanced from grown-up to grown-up. My permission? She suddenly felt herself gifted with all the power she’d always wanted, and it was tempting to say no. “Would you … would you leave us, Nettie?”
Nettie opened her mouth to reply, but Jameson beat her to it. “Of course not! Leave you, Miss Alice? Neither of us would. We’ll stay with you as long as you need us.”
Nettie nodded. “Exactly. You’ve no need to fear losing us, Gracie. Things have changed a bit but not much.”
Alice furrowed her brow. “How much is ‘a bit’?”
Nettie and Jameson both laughed and glanced at each other. Jealousy oozed its way into Alice’s soul. How dare they look at each other like that? Adults always cast such secretive looks at each other, and Alice hated it, but she’d thought at least Nettie was immune to such tomfoolery.
“Well?” She raised her chin and glared them down. She might not be an adult, and secretive glances would never be her forte, but now she’d lived nine years. That was enough for people to begin taking her seriously.
Nettie couldn’t seem to stop smiling, but she did meet Alice’s eyes evenly. “Gracie, I know this will be a difficult transition for you, but I love Tom—Jameson—and I love you, too. Nothing really is going to change except that now I will be happier than I have been in a long time. Surely you don’t mind that.”
Alice hesitated. She did want Nettie to be happy. But at what cost? What if Nettie couldn’t love her as much? What if she moved far away? She snuggled against Nettie’s side and glared at Jameson. She’d liked him so much before, but he had turned out to be a betrayer of the worst sort.
Nettie kissed the top of her head. “Well, no matter what, I’ll always love you, Gracie, and I think Tom feels the same. Don’t you, dear?”
Tom Jameson nodded. “I do, Miss Alice.”
“See?” Nettie gave her a hug. “Does that set your mind at ease?”
It didn’t, but Alice shrugged. “I guess.” She wiggled from side to side on the seat. “Would it really make you that happy?”
“It would.”
Alice took a deep breath. Could she really give up Nettie? Not all of her, she supposed, but a bit more of her time, a bit more of her love?
Claire barely restrained herself from running out into the alley and collecting Alice in her arms, but she managed to wait until the hired hack had disappeared around the corner and Alice stood in the kitchen to smother her in love.
“Darling, darling, I’m so glad you’re safely home.” She pressed kisses all over her face, then drew back. “Look at you! You’re inches taller. Did you miss me? Did you learn a great deal? And did you make any friends?”
Alice stuck out her bottom lip. “I can’t answer everything at once, Mummy.”
Claire laughed. “That’s my girl. Tell me you missed me, at least.”
Her face crumpled. “Yes.” Alice’s voice lowered. “I don’t understand why I had to go away when I love you so. Don’t you know you need me here?”
Claire squeezed her hand. “I do know. But you did learn lots of wonderful things, didn’t you? And you did make friends?”
Alice glanced away. “I suppose I did. But—”
“Shush.” Claire tapped Alice’s lips. “I know what’s best. But you’ll be here for a few days, and then … guess where we’re going?” She rose from her knees and smiled. This would be a treat for Alice.
“Where?”
“Pearlbelle Park!”
The smile started small but soon spread like wildfire across Alice’s face. “Really?”
“Would I lie to you?”
Claire laughed as Alice began hopping up and down.
“When do we leave?” Alice asked. “Will Mrs. Knight still be there? How big will Ned be after a year? Will they have all the same stable boys? Can I have a puppy this time—Mr. Knight said …” And on and on.
Claire did her best to answer the questions, but Alice was not easily satisfied. Still, she’d made her daughter happy. The trip would be torture, but Alice wanted it. And a reprieve from London, perhaps, was worth it.
Alice leapt out of the carriage and landed in Mr. Parker’s arms.
He laughed and swung her up in the air. “My, how you’ve grown!” He set her down and stepped back. “You’re a good two inches taller, I think.”
Alice beamed. Her height definitely pleased her, and she was glad he’d noticed. “You’ve gotten shorter.”
He laughed deep in his belly before turning to greet her mother and Ivy. Alice ran forward into Mrs. Knight’s arms.
“Look at you! So grown-up.” Mrs. Knight leaned back and cupped Alice’s face with her hands. “I missed you, sweetheart. Now, let’s get you up to your room and settled in. Oh, and here is sweet little Ivy—and Miss Chattoway! Oh, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
Mummy stepped forward. Even Alice could tell her smile was pasted on. “It has, Mrs. Knight. Thank you for your generosity in allowing us to visit Pearlbelle Park.”
“Of course!” Mrs. Knight gestured toward the house. “Alice and Ivy will have the same room as their previous visit, and your chamber will be near theirs, unless you prefer—”
“No, that will do well, thank you.” Mummy placed her hands on Alice’s shoulders. “We would love to get settled, if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, yes.” Mrs. Knight turned toward the door, nearly jostling into her husband. “There you are, Phil. Is everything arranged for our guests’ rooms?”
“It is.” Mr. Knight stepped forward slightly. “Alice, Ivy, Miss Chattoway. It’s lovely to have you here.”
“The pleasure is mine.” Mummy forced the words out, though. Alice sighed. Couldn’t everyone just live life without a lot of worrying?
After Nettie unpacked Alice and Ivy’s clothes and saw that they were presentable, they scurried over to Mummy’s room.
“There you are, darlings.” She kissed them both in turn. Her eyes were a bit teary.
Alice frowned. “Are you all right, Mummy?”
“Yes, I am.”
But Alice didn’t believe her for a moment. Her face showed too much sadness for “all right.” The only thing Alice could do about that was try to help make her happy again, so she gave her a big hug.
“Thank you, Alice.” Mummy squeezed her shoulder, then stepped back. “Now, Mrs. Knight asked us to come to her private chambers to play with Ned for a bit. Won’t that be fun?”
Alice and Ivy both nodded. Ned was a dear fellow, and Alice had missed him. She’d always wanted a baby in the house, and he was such a cuddly one.
Mrs. Knight was sitting in a
chair near the window, watching little Ned playing on the floor with some blocks. In one hand, she held a book, which she laid aside as Mummy, Ivy, and Alice entered.
“Oh, hello there! You’re just in time. Young ladies, I think Ned needs help buildin’ that tower, though all he really wants to do is knock it over.” She rose and gestured to the chair. “Miss Chattoway, you could sit with me, if you’d like.”
Alice hurried over to play with Ned, but she kept one ear tuned to the adults’ conversation. One never knew what could be gleaned when you weren’t supposed to be listening.
“Did you find your rooms all right?” Mrs. Knight asked.
“They’re perfect.” Mummy perched on the edge of her chair. “There’s a lovely view of the gardens from my window.”
“Oh, good! I thought you might like that room. It’s so light. I love light—can’t stand the darkness.”
Mummy smiled slightly. “Darkness is dreary.”
The adults didn’t speak for a minute. Ned collapsed the tower Alice and Ivy had created, and they scurried to pick up the blocks and begin again.
“Ned can almost walk,” Mrs. Knight said. “I’m so proud of him. He’s a dear boy, and Phil and I are very blessed with him.”
“Yes.” As Mummy spoke, Alice felt her mother’s eyes on her and quickly focused in on the blocks. “Children are always a blessing.”
“No matter the circumstances.” Mrs. Knight’s voice was firm. A silence, and she forced the next words out. “Miss Chattoway, I’ve been wanting to ask you a few questions that are, actually, extremely personal. I know I have no right to ask, but could you tell me … what I mean is … well, really, I wanted to ask …”
“About Alice and Ivy’s father, I presume?” Mummy sighed.
Alice went stiff. She mustn’t let Mummy know she was listening. She had to focus on the blocks, on Ned.
Mrs. Knight nodded and lowered her voice, but not enough. “Alice told me last year that she … she was worried about you and the circumstances surrounding her conception.” She blushed bright pink and dropped her eyes.
“She feels that something is amiss in her life, yes,” Claire confirmed. “She is aware that everyone has a father, yet she has never so much as heard his name. I’m not comfortable telling you who he is, but I will tell you some of the details about our brief marriage, if you would like to hear them.”
“I would.” Mrs. Knight said the words quickly and a bit overloud.
Ned knocked over another tower, and Alice pretended not to be distracted by the adults’ conversation.
“I don’t know exactly how to begin.”
Alice’s ears strained to hear her mother’s low words.
“Simply enough, I met and fell for him when I was seventeen years old. He said he cared for me, so I agreed to elope with him to France—a little town on the coast. My alias, Berck, is the name of the town, you see. A week afterward, my father found us and dragged me away from him. I found out later I was with child. That’s all there was to it.”
The silence that followed stretched on forever. Alice tried not to cry, but it was very hard. Her throat was tight, her eyes were watering, and she knew her mother didn’t want her to know what she’d just heard.
How convenient it was to be a child—and yet sometimes the things one heard were so frightening. She swallowed again and again, trying to keep the lumps down.
Below the confusion and the pain was a sense of relief … that she knew the story and that her father hadn’t abandoned her, not exactly. They’d been separated, like in some novel Nettie would read. But he hadn’t just left.
Thank you, God. I didn’t want him to just leave.
Mrs. Knight dabbed at her eyes. “He didn’t come for you?”
“No, he didn’t.” Mummy’s voice was quick and measured.
“Why not keep up hope? Perhaps he’ll come still. He could be delayed; he might not know where you are.” Mrs. Knight cocked her head. “Give me his name, and I’ll help you find him. That would give you closure at least.”
“No, I’m certain that the best way is to try to forget. Over time, the hurting will stop. Life isn’t all depression.” Mummy’s eyes again flickered over to Alice and Ivy. “I, too, have been blessed.”
“Yes, Alice and Ivy must be great comforts to you. Nevertheless, it must be difficult,” Mrs. Knight murmured. “If there is anything Phil and I can do for you, we would be happy to.”
“I’ll tell you if there is anything.” Mummy stood. “Speaking of the girls, I must see Alice and Ivy to their tea. It’s near time, and they must be hungry.”
On cue, Alice stood and dragged Ivy to her feet.
“God bless you and keep you,” Mrs. Knight said. She looked like Alice felt—emotional, still a bit confused, and wanting to comfort Mummy.
Mummy sighed. “He does. I believe that there have been times of late when He is the only Thing keeping me on my feet.”
Alice refrained from asking about that. She prayed for Mummy all the time, but she wasn’t sure she was a Christian. It was all very confusing how Mummy could seem to understand a bit about God and yet miss so much about His love and grace.
“I’m glad. He’s always gotten me safely through my trials.” Mrs. Knight rose to walk them to the door but paused when Mummy didn’t move.
Mummy raised her eyebrows a notch. “Your trials?”
“Yes.” Mrs. Knight smiled, but it trembled. “Wars are always horrible, but when they’re fought between countrymen, they’re despicable. I lost a lot more than I believed was possible. Thankfully, Phil was there when I needed him.”
“I see.” Mummy pressed her lips together. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s all in the past, and nothing can ever change it. We have only the present to work with, the future to hope for. No use lingering on the past.”
Mummy cocked her head. “Yes. You’re right,” she said softly. “No use lingering in the past.”
Chapter Seventeen
“Kirk?” Alice peeked around the corner of the horse stall.
Her friend jumped a foot in the air, startling Jupiter, a big bay gelding. After the horse calmed down, Kirk turned to her with a scowl.
“Will you stop sneaking up on me?”
“Sorry. You knew I was here.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Anyway, I didn’t know Jupiter was so jumpy.”
He glared at her for another moment, then picked up a brush. “I could’ve been stepped on or something.”
“Well, I’m sorry. You didn’t say hello or anything.” Alice expected more of a welcome after nearly a year apart from her first real friend. “Did you miss me?”
Kirk coughed. “No.”
What? Of course he had. Alice placed her hands on her hips. “What do you mean?”
He just rolled his eyes and went back to brushing the horse.
“I didn’t miss you, either.” She upended a bucket and sat on it. “How’ve you been?”
“All right, I suppose. You?”
“I had to go to boarding school, which I hated, except the friends I made.” She paused. “I made lots of friends.”
He hesitated. “Girl friends?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Who cares about a lot of giggly girls?”
“They’re not giggly!” Alice jumped to her feet. “They were very nice girls.”
“Even very nice girls are giggly.” Kirk turned to the door. “I’m done here. Let’s move on to the next stall.”
Alice stepped aside as he moved past her, then stamped her foot to get his attention. “You don’t know that.”
“Hmph.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Say, do you know everything people are saying about you?”
Alice blinked, her anger disappearing and confusion taking its place. “What do you mean?” People were talking about her again? Of course she’d heard whispers between her mother and Nettie about how people liked to talk—but about her? And why?
Kirk shrugged. “At first us
servants weren’t sure what to think of you, but now that you’re here a second year, we wonder.” He blushed. “I wouldn’t gossip about you, Alice. But others are, and I think you should know.”
Her hands felt cold and clammy. “Wh-what are they gossiping about?”
Kirk cocked his head and stared at her. “I want you to know, all right, because you’re my friend. Mum says rumors and gossip are just as bad as bullets sometimes—I mean, they hurt people the same way. And you should know.”
Heart racing, Alice nodded. “All right.”
“They say you’re maybe not anyone’s child. I mean, you don’t have a father. And that makes you … well, you know. Then your mother is not a lady.”
“But she is a lady.” Of course she was. How dare anyone say otherwise? “She’s the most perfect lady who ever existed.”
“I know that.” Kirk held up his hands. “It’s just other people who say it. I don’t believe it, and neither does Mum, all right?”
“A-all right.” Alice took a deep breath. “Go on. What else?”
“Just that. They say perhaps … perhaps Miss Chattoway ran off with a servant here at Pearlbelle nine years ago. The staff changed a lot back then—Mr. Elton was mighty temperamental. Or you’re Mr. Parker’s child. And they say terrible things about Nettie.” Kirk shrugged. “You don’t need to hear. I think they’re just jealous. And of you, too, and Miss Chattoway.”
Alice swallowed the lump in her throat. “I suppose so. Wh-what do people think happened? Do you know who my father is, Kirk? Or does your mother?”
Kirk shook his head. “Mum didn’t say if she does know, and anyway, she never knew much of what was happening at Pearlbelle Park back then. And I was too small. But people say that Miss Chattoway ran off with someone and then he left.”
“I heard her say that. My grandfather separated them, and my father didn’t … he didn’t come back.” Alice wrapped her arms around herself. “Why didn’t he come back? Why wouldn’t he love me?”
“Maybe he didn’t know.” Kirk rubbed the back of his neck. “Or maybe he was just a bad person. Mum says our parents don’t reflect on who we are. Though, of course, my parents aren’t bad at all.”
