Won't Be Fooled Again

by C F White

  “I think I might know this story.” Rafferty folded his arms, his face gaunt.

  Kez couldn’t acknowedlge Rafferty’s disappointment but he had to look him in the eye in order to continue.

  “He didn’t have a dad. Not one that was around or he knew. His mum wasn’t going to win any awards for mother of the year either. She was absent a lot of the time. Drank a lot. Got involved with drugs.” Speaking about those early atrocities of Callum’s upbringing at least eased some of the guilt Kez had been carrying around at not admitting who Callum really was to him and why he’d been so protective of their past. They were Callum’s secrets to tell, but Rafferty had to know the whole truth or this story might paint him in an even worse light than it already would.

  “There was always someone coming in and out of her place. She wasn’t stable. You know how people are scared of social services? Think they’ll have their child taken away because they missed an appointment here?”

  Rafferty didn’t look as though he knew what Kez was getting at, but he nodded nonetheless.

  “Well, it’s bullshit.” Suppressed anger spat that curse word and Kez couldn’t even apologise for it. “Eve did an anonymous call. They came and vowed she was doing all right. Callum was housed. Clothed. Clean. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t even noticed he couldn’t read! She hadn’t even bothered to find out if he had dyslexia. She left it. Callum fell behind. He spent more and more time with me and Eve. Dinners at ours five nights a week. I’d help him with his homework, teach him how to focus. Eve became his surrogate mother as well as mine.”

  Kez folded his arms, running his hand along the flesh of his stump—something he tended to do the more agitated he was, ’cause this was the part he’d fought so hard to forget. “I think we were seventeen when it started. We’d both enrolled at the local college. I was doing A Levels, he was on a practical BTEC but had to redo his Maths and English that he failed. One night I was in my room, books spread everywhere, trying to finish an essay or something. He was meant to be working on his key skills. He liked to try to distract me. Or distract himself maybe.” Kez shrugged. “I don’t know. One day, the tickling led to him kissing me. I think he knew it’d work to get my attention. I think he knew I liked him. I’d been struggling with my feelings for him for a while. I kinda knew I always liked boys. But Callum…” Kez shook his head, worrying his bottom lip. “Callum was my guiding light. I’d do anything for him. Anything to get a little of his attention. So when he kissed me, it was like he’d brought me alive.”

  Rafferty slipped back in the seat. Silent. Listening. Kez couldn’t look directly at him when he recounted the rest.

  “He sure found a failsafe way to get out of doing his homework. The kissing led to touching, that led to fumbling around under the sheets, that let to me discovering how much I loved his hands on me. And I loved every part of me on every part of him. Outside in the real world, we were just bros, y’know? Kez and Cal. Mates. We hung out with others from the block. Callum flirted with the girls and I pined over when I could be alone with him again. I always got him in the end. He always came back to mine. It went on like that for a while. He was doing all right. He’d got his key skills. He was on for an apprenticeship. I was on for all A grades.” Kez’s voice strangled and he gritted his teeth with the frustration of it all.

  Edging forward, Rafferty focused on Kez and his eyes filled with something Kez couldn’t bear to look at. Not whilst he had to relive what came next.

  “What happened, Kez? What’s hurting you so much?” Rafferty could read between the lines as well as he could medical theses.

  “He did a spectacularly stupid thing.” Kez looked away, his frown a sure giveaway. If what he’d already said had been difficult, this, this here, was going to hurt like a stab wound to the heart. “He took in some drugs from his mum’s dealer. He said he’d hold on to them. Cash in hand on delivery to the next guy. I don’t know why he did it. Money maybe? Maybe he was threatened? Maybe he thought he had no choice? I don’t know, because he was caught. Routine search from the police discovered a grand’s worth of class A gear in his bedroom.”

  Rafferty sucked in a fierce breath. Now Kez had said that much, he couldn’t stop. He needed to get it all out, as though he was in some kind of therapy session. The counselling he should have accepted five years ago but which pride and guilt had kept him away from.

  “Yeah. That’s not the worst part.” Kez scraped his teeth over his bottom lip, catching on the dry skin and almost making it bleed. “He was arrested. Put on trial for possession with the intent to sell. And for once in her fucking life, his mum had gone to sign on at that particular time. So defence couldn’t even claim they belonged to her. There was too much for personal use anyway. Callum begged me to give him an alibi. He was looking at a custodial sentence of five to ten if found guilty. The police were cracking down hard on dealers in our area. Y’know, making a point? He’d promised me there was no fingerprints on the package. The only thing tying him to those drugs was that they were in his flat when he was. So all he needed was for me to stand up as a witness and say that he’d been with me, that the drugs couldn’t be his.”

  “Oh, Kez.” Rafferty leaned forward, reaching out for him.

  Kez couldn’t allow for him to get anywhere near him. He might break down if he did and a busy hospital canteen and on their supposed first date really wasn’t the time to do that. If ever there was one.

  “I was going to. I’d’ve done anything for him. I was in love with him. To prevent him from going to prison, I would have stood up and said anything.” The pain in his chest crushed tighter and he could hardly breathe, let alone get the rest of the story out. After swigging from his juice bottle, he composed himself enough to keep going.

  “Eve wouldn’t let me. I’d been with her. At church. For me to lie, she would have to lie. There was no way she was going to allow me to stand up and swear an oath to God and then lie. I couldn’t do that to her. Not after everything she had done for me. So I couldn’t. At the courts, on his trial date, I told him I couldn’t do it. He turned his back on me. So I did the same to him. For five years. Until the other day.” Kez inhaled a deep breath. “Until that fire brought us back together.”

  Chapter Eleven

  When All’s Said and Done

  Checking out his reflection in the bathroom mirror, Callum gave a brief nod of approval. He’d spruced up all right. Passable anyhow. As much as he’d hated to take up Kez’s offer of the card, he didn’t have much of a choice and he really couldn’t stay in borrowed clothes. He had no money of his own to buy new ones, nor could he go down to the community centre and rummage through the bags upon bags of aid that the other residents were having to accept while they waited for their lives to restart.

  His trip to the local shopping centre had proved pretty fruitful. Not the bright lights of Westfield, but the precinct of cheaper shops selling off even cheaper gear had had what he’d needed—pack of boxers, socks, a two-pack of trackie bottoms and a jumper all for the thirty quid Kez’s contactless allowed. It wouldn’t have been his first choice in get-up, but beggars couldn’t be choosers. At least it meant he didn’t have to be in Kez’s ex’s kecks and he could leave the house to find work. ’Cause he planned to pay back Kez every penny, no matter how long it took. The building firms he tended to get a days’ worth of graft with must be needing people about now.

  So he’d done the ring-round. On Kez’s house phone, that was. Asking fella after fella if there was any work going. Bricklaying, painting, cementing—anything that would get him the cash to pay Kez back. He could earn about fifty quid for a day on a site, a ton if it was a better firm. What he needed was a chance. A firm to take him on proper. They never would. They’d see his record and would rather get in some kid on his BTEC from the local college who didn’t have Callum’s shifty background. That was why he’d enrolled with the Prince’s Trust to get him volunteering that could lead to something decent. It hadn’t as yet. And the mone
y had dwindled… Callum hung his head with shame.

  Kez was due home any minute and Callum’s stomach emulated all those cement mixers he’d had to spend his days filling up. His previous idea of running away had now been thrown out with Drake’s clothes. He couldn’t leave Kez. He couldn’t. Not anymore. Callum had lost so many friends since being on the inside and after his return home, the ones he’d made were all face-value. Nothing at all like how it had been with Kez. No deep and meaningful conversation. No comfortable silences. No intimacy.

  Or was it because it was only Kez who could give all that to him? Maybe it wasn’t friendship he was after. Is it a soul mate? Someone who got him. Someone who understood him and accepted him. The way he did Kez.

  Fuck. That’s it.

  Callum stared at his reflection. On the inside, he’d thought about Kez. All the goddamn time. He’d missed him. As a friend. As his confident. As his go-to-guy. He’d missed the mucking around too. And missed how Kez had looked at him—like he was the most important person in the world. Like he meant something. Like he was his God. It was hard not to get wrapped up in how Kez saw him. But as the years ticked by, and Kez hadn’t been there for Callum to see himself in Kez’s gaze, he’d well and truly fallen off his pedestal. And the bump hurts like hell.

  Swallowing down the agonising lump in his throat, he scraped back his hair into its topknot. His thumping heart seemed to make the mirror vibrate and distort the view of himself. Who am I now? On his release, he’d searched for what Kez had given him. Getting his kicks in seedy joints had served a purpose for a while. But he needed more. He needed to be looked at the way Kez had looked at him before. He needed to be picked up, dusted off and risen back up.

  That’s why I kissed him last night! It hadn’t been to reap old times. It hadn’t been to give Kez what Callum had thought he wanted in order to salvage a lost past. It’s because I want him. I need him.

  Inhaling sharply, Callum stared into his own hazel eyes that widened with every beat of his heart. He couldn’t hide from himself and he gazed back through the mirror, holding his breath. Oh, fucking God. I—

  His whole body drooped, unable to complete his own thoughts. It was as though his soul was draining away down the plug hole in the sink. Kez had batted him off last night. Kez didn’t want him. Not the way he’d used to. Not anymore. Callum had come to terms with the fact that Kez didn’t feel the same as he once had. Kez’d moved on. Quite rightly. And to a decent bloke at that. All Callum should now offer was his friendship, ’cause there was no way he could compete with P. H. Dick. He and Kez might have a past, a background filled with memories—if somewhat tainted by the epic fuck-up—but the future? That was now down to Kez.

  And the hope that I can keep hiding out in this flat and not have the past slap me in the face.

  After tearing away from his reflection, he trundled down the stairs and paced the front room. Maybe I should have got a haircut. Maybe Kez hates the long look. He shook his head. Too late now. And what the fuck should I be doing when he gets home? He couldn’t be in front of the TV. That screamed scrounging layabout. He had no idea what food he should prepare, not knowing what Kez might want to eat of an evening except burnt pizza, which they were out of anyway. He’d done all his job hunting and left an open pad with numbers scrawled on it in plain view to prove it—talking point for when Kez got home. He was showered, clean-shaven, with a hint of Kez’s aftershave splashed on. He was as presentable as he was ever going to get. But he couldn’t just stare out the window for Kez’s arrival.

  The lightbulb moment struck when he went to flop down on the sofa and noticed the crumbs from last night’s dinner efforts. After ransacking each cupboard, he located the vacuum, plugged it in and did his A-grade building site clean-up. So caught up in the moment of scraping the nozzle over every inch of the living room floor and ceiling, he didn’t notice Kez arrive home until he turned from the window and there Kez stood, mouth agape. Switching off the vacuum, Callum shunned the flat into silence.

  “Hi.” Ignoring the jolt of fluttering in his chest, Callum offered up a winning smile. He couldn’t acknowledge how fast his heart rammed against his rib cage. He couldn’t acknowledge the hot sweats that flushed every inch of his skin. He couldn’t acknowledge what he’d realised earlier. Just be his Callum. “Good day at work, honey?”

  Kez breathed out a laugh. Then, grunting, he scratched his puffed-out chest. “Making millions in the office, sweetheart. You wouldn’t understand. You’re too pretty. Where’s my dinner?”

  Wrinkling his nose, Callum tilted his neck. “Aww. How about we have this for dinner?” He stuck up his middle finger.

  Kez laughed, his eyes brightening to how Callum remembered him. All open, and keen and full of eager optimism. Callum couldn’t help but search within them for the old Kez. For the mate he’d grown up with. For the way he’d used to look at Callum. He’d tried to hide it back then, but Callum had always been aware. And it had made him feel like nothing else mattered but the two of them.

  “I’d’ve worn a pinny to do this if I knew you were gonna be home soon.” Callum nodded to the vacuum cleaner.

  “Just a pinny?”

  “I ain’t got no underwear, have I?”

  “New clothes I see, though.”

  “Standard lock-up gear.”

  “Comfy.”

  For a brief moment, it felt natural. The whole exchange, the whole carefree attitude to themselves. It felt like it had used to. Then Kez’s smile faded and he glanced at the floor, his gaze no longer on Callum. He won’t look at me and I can’t fucking bear it!

  “You okay?” Callum bit his lip. “Did I do your cleaning wrong?”

  Kez shook his head. “Not sure you can do hoovering wrong.”

  “Good to know, ’cause I think I sucked up something valuable. Either you’re secretly into Lego, or you’re hording diamonds. And if you are, can I come in on that?”

  “Probably just the screws fallen out of the walls.”

  “Always knew you had a screw loose.”

  “Says you.”

  Chuckling, Callum dragged the vacuum over to where Kez stood by the living room door then scooted down in front of him to unplug it at the mains. Kez inhaled. Deeply. As Callum stood and wound the wire around the curvature under his thumb up to his elbow, he stared deep into Kez’s eyes, searching for something within them. The answers, maybe. To what, he wasn’t sure. But Kez had always given them.

  “I got the gear at the precinct.” Callum gestured to his clothes. “I’ll pay you back.”

  “You don’t have—”

  “I do and I will. I rang around some fellas to see if they need me on any sites. No luck today, but I’ll keep trying. One day’s graft and I can pay it back.”

  “That’s short-term. What we gonna do with you in the long-term?”

  Callum smiled at the word ‘we’ in that sentence. It was as though they were a team. Again.

  “Long-term, I’ll keep applying for a permanent role. I’ll sign up with the temping agencies. I’ll get work. You can help me fill that volunteering form out.”

  Kez nodded. “Sounds good.”

  “I’ll keep this place clean until then, and if you have any dates planned with Rafferty”—he forced the name out—“I’ll find somewhere to go if you want to bring him back here.” He swallowed down the queasiness of that thought with difficulty. But if he was going to rebuild a friendship, then he had to be willing to accept Kez’s choice of male companion, no matter how much it stung.

  “I broke up with him.” Kez scrubbed his hand across his brow, the anguish evident in his rapid strokes. Like he was trying to erase something from his memory. “Well, not so much break up. I think you have to have actually gone out with someone to break up with them. But I called it off for the time being.”

  Callum’s heart jolted and he wasn’t sure if it was a good reaction or a bad one. “Why?” he asked with caution.

  Kez shook his head, still not looking at hi
m for any prolonged amount of time and it killed Callum that he couldn’t see what those eyes might be telling him. “It’s not really a good idea to start something new with someone at this point in my life. And no matter what the bloke says, I don’t think he’s going to hang around too long and wait for me to make a decision about him and…well, everything. There’s too much going on with Auntie, with the fire, with…you.”

  It wasn’t right to smile about this. It wasn’t right to gloat. It wasn’t right to feel elated that Kez had chosen him over a chance at something new. But when had Callum ever been right except in his name? A pang of guilt caught him off guard. To think that he’d fucked up Kez’s chances at something good, something pure, something not shrouded in grit.

  “Kez, I’m sorry. Say the word and I’m outta here. I don’t want to be another problem for you. That’s not what I want at all.” Callum threw the folded-up vacuum wire to the floor.

  “What do you want?” Kez’s voice was light, almost as though he didn’t want to ask the question at all.

  Callum exhaled. Slamming his hands on his hips, he gazed into those dark eyes and suddenly he didn’t feel afraid anymore. He didn’t have to hold back. He had to say it like it was. Is.

  “You, Kez. You. I want us back. Me and you. Kez and Cal. How we were. Maybe…” Growling, he kicked the wire and glanced up at the ceiling as if he would get his courage from the polystyrene block tiles. “Maybe I want more.”