That Certain Something

by Clare Ashton

  Pia sat in the corner, inconsolable, incomprehensible and dribbling a small amount of wine down her chin. She’d have to wait until morning to see if the photographer had caught her best cheek. She gawped at the reclining nude beside the sofa, tempted to prostrate herself across it, just to end the night with a little more humiliation.

  ‘Pia?’ A gentle voice called her.

  She lifted her head to see Cate’s concerned face. Cate sat beside her and held her arm. Her thighs squeezed unbearably soft and warm into Pia’s.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Cate whispered.

  ‘Fine. Jusssst fine.’ Although inebriated, Pia must have communicated her desolation through some subtle use of slurring.

  ‘Please tell me what’s wrong.’

  Pia breathed in, thought very carefully about what she wanted to say, and then said, ‘Ufff.’

  Cate slipped her fingers through Pia’s and squeezed. ‘Please tell me. You look so unhappy.’

  Pia inhaled once more. ‘It’s jussst. I know that I said I could understand you a bit now.’ She blinked, slow and heavy, trying on focus on Cate. ‘And why you wanted money. But now, I can see just how far off I was. Now I really know why you didn’t choose me. Thasss all.’

  Cate’s fingers twitched.

  ‘I can see just how sssstupid I was to fall for you. And it makes me feel a bit little, and a bit crap.’

  ‘Pia, it wasn’t like that.’ She reached round to hold Pia’s arms and forced her to look straight into her eyes. ‘Yes, I won’t deny that financial security was attractive for me. But I’d made enormous commitments. There were so many people depending on me.’

  Pia gulped and turned away. She was unwilling and unable to say anything.

  ‘You mustn’t be like this,’ Cate implored. ‘I hate that I’ve made you feel inadequate, because it’s so unjustified.’

  Cate dropped to her knees and grabbed Pia’s hands. ‘You are the most incredible person I’ve ever met Pia. You’re beautiful, intelligent, talented, and the way you see the world has been so revealing for me. The way you discern the worth in things, and people, is so special. Your respect for them is humbling. Please don’t be wrong about yourself. Don’t under-estimate how wonderful you are.’

  Pia stared at her, uncomprehending.

  ‘You see the nugget of gold in everyday things that others pass without a second thought. If there was a tramp lying on the street, stinking to high heaven, you’d be the one who noticed him hugging his dog to keep it warm.’

  Cate glanced down for a moment.

  ‘I hadn’t been feeling good about myself for a long time. I didn’t realise, but I’d made some poor choices and misjudged what was important to me. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. And that night, that perfect night, when I asked you to describe what you saw in front of you. When you said I was beautiful and kind it almost broke my heart. I was so moved that that’s how you saw me and I wanted to be that person.’

  She gazed at Pia, tears glistening in her eyes.

  ‘I’ve made some terrible choices. But you cherish the things that make life worth living and I love you for it.’

  For a moment, Pia heard nothing but Cate’s voice, those melodious tones that had charmed her from the start. Her last sentence echoed in her consciousness and tugged at her heart. She focused on the deep pools of Cate’s eyes, seeing the true woman again.

  It was a pity the moment was shattered by a loud screech of feedback on the karaoke speaker. Rafe’s voice boomed on the microphone. ‘Wham!’

  It would have puzzled Pia at the best of times. A second later, everyone else nodded in understanding when the drums and bass guitar to I’m Your Man pounded the room.

  Cate stood up looking horrified as Rafe launched into an unbridled version of the song. He sought her in the crowd as he sang. He found her in time for the chorus, when he pointed his finger at her and screamed out the title words.

  Cate went pale and, without a word, left the room. All eyes followed her except those of Rafe. He glanced at the lyrics and before he could look up again his vanity was saved by an enthusiastic Denise. She leapt up to grab another microphone and joined in with gusto.

  And although the entire evening was hazy at best, that was definitely the last Pia remembered of it.

  Chapter 19.

  It was possible that Pia woke herself up with her own snore. But it was also possible that it might have been someone else’s. She opened her heavy eyelids and found that, as she suspected, she was face down in a pillow, her cheek and nose mashed into the fabric. She squashed her cheek to the side and squinted in the bright light, which in turn made her wince with the pain of an evil headache.

  ‘Ugh,’ she murmured. Even that slight movement made her nauseous. She gnashed her mouth open and shut and tried to revive her dry and shrivelled tongue. She had a feeling she might have been sick, but she wasn’t sure where. At least it wasn’t in the rich white cotton sheets that she lay in, wherever they were.

  She heard the flick of a newspaper beside her and with a heavy sense of dread, and a well-founded fear of vomiting, she twisted round her head.

  ‘Hello darling,’ Ed said, all lightness and cheer. She was sat up in bed with a broadsheet. She regarded Pia over her glasses with a wry smile. Pia’s eyes wandered lower and she noticed that, underneath the fold of the silk dressing gown, Ed was quite naked. The side of a freckled breast lay exposed.

  With a rising sense of panic Pia delved beneath the sheets. There, she found her own naked breasts, tummy and smooth behind. When Ed raised her eyebrows, Pia realised she was staring in horror.

  ‘We didn’t…?’

  ‘Well we tried, but I’m afraid you weren’t up to much,’ Ed replied with a nonchalant flick of a page.

  Despite her thunderous hangover, Pia still managed to be piqued by the dismissal.

  ‘And we need to go shopping.’ Ed looked stern. ‘You seriously need a map to the G spot.’

  Pia blushed and found herself absent-mindedly testing the tackiness of her fingers. ‘But, but, not everybody is that fond of being touched, there.’

  Ed shrugged.

  ‘And I might not have wanted to have gone…’ Pia felt uneasy and queasy, ‘…delving, if you didn’t seem keen?’

  ‘Oh I agree darling. Everyone has different tastes and fetishes for every area. Dip your finger in some lube and then between one person’s buttocks and they’re in heaven. Another, hell. Some just like a bit of warning.’

  Pia’s chin dropped and she involuntarily clenched her bottom.

  Ed reached out and held her hand. ‘Darling?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘You must learn when I’m pulling your leg.’ Ed laughed. ‘Although I’d rather you didn’t because this is far too much fun. You fell asleep and were as useless as a dildo made of jelly.’

  Pia let her face fall back into the pillow with relief.

  ‘And as if I’d want to sleep with your skinny derrière,’ Ed added.

  Pia lifted up her head. ‘Why am I naked then?’

  ‘You insisted and I wasn’t going to object.’ Ed returned to her paper. ‘Nice cheeks by the way.’

  If Pia could have thrown the pillow at her without simultaneously vomiting she would have done.

  Ed laughed. ‘I’d recognise that bottom anywhere now. Including the company photograph.’

  ‘Oh no.’

  Ed raised her eyebrows and nodded. When Pia only stared at her with alarm, Ed thumbed over her phone and threw it on the mattress.

  Pia stared at the glowing image: a group of small happy shining faces cheering in one window of the Shard, and a shining white arse in the next.

  Pia fell into the pillow and moaned, ‘I want to die.’

  -

  Pia sat up in bed and managed to clothe herself in knickers and T-shirt by the time Ed returned with a steaming cup of fresh ground coffee.

  ‘Thank you.’ Pia inhaled the restorative aroma. She took tiny sips, nothing too taxing for her fract
ious digestive system.

  Ed swung her legs on to the bed and turned to Pia. ‘So. Do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘About what?’ Pia said through a sip.

  ‘Being in love with Cate.’

  ‘Oh.’ The cool dread of being found out flooded Pia’s insides. ‘How did you know?’

  ‘Honestly.’ Ed rolled her eyes. ‘Who could miss those yearning puppy dog eyes when she comes in the room? Although, so far, it does seem to have evaded Rafe, luckily for you. What’s going on?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Pia said dejected. But she had the nagging feeling of missing something important. She remembered Cate, holding her arms, imploring her. She had the sensation of being lifted by sweet poignant words, being cherished by someone grabbing her by the heart and talking directly to her soul. But she was buggered if she could remember what she’d said.

  ‘It’s not one-sided is it?’ Ed asked.

  ‘There’s nothing going on now.’

  ‘What happened?’

  Pia breathed out defeated. ‘We met the night before her wedding. We spent hours together. Precious hours. And then…’

  ‘Had sex.’

  Pia nodded. ‘Wonderful, lovely sex.’

  ‘Oh Pia.’ Ed looked pained and sympathetic. ‘I must admit I’m surprised. I didn’t think Cate was the last fling sort.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that.’ Pia snapped. ‘It wasn’t like a one-night stand.’ She frowned trying to communicate the easy rapport, the excitement of the night, the fluidity in which they came together. ‘It was like spending weeks with anyone else. It was magic. Perfect.’

  Ed pursed her lips in pained disbelief. ‘And you expected her to give up everything after one night?’

  Pia gulped. She felt stupid and emotional.

  Ed reached out and held her hand. ‘You can’t expect someone who’s about to get married, with relatives, friends, the groom all waiting at the church, to walk away. Coupled with starting a new business together, Cate had far too much invested. You can’t expect someone like that to drop everything and believe in love at first sight.’

  ‘But I do. Because that’s what happened to me.’ A single hot tear streamed down Pia’s cheek. ‘I was hooked from the first time I saw her, and everything that happened afterwards made me love her more. I would have done anything for her.’

  ‘Oh shortarse.’ Ed buried a sniffling Pia into her bosom to console her. ‘I know. I believe you. I’ve seen the way you look at her and quite frankly the way she looks at you. And I’d walk over hot coals for a love like that.’

  Chapter 20.

  The week after passed in a whirlwind of ferocious activity as the magazine prepared to go to press. Ed sent Pia criss-crossing over London to snap last-minute photos and Rafe and Cate were rarely in the office, and never together.

  Late one evening in the Bennet building, after an opening night outside the Theatre Royal, Pia spotted Cate staring out of the window in a small side office. She could see her in the black glass, her face reflected against the sparkling lights of the city. She seemed tired and drawn. When Pia caught her gaze she turned around and her face lifted.

  ‘Hey.’ Cate’s was quiet. ‘You’re a sight for sore eyes.’

  Pia beamed at her words and skipped into the office to stand beside her. ‘Hi.’ She drew up close.

  ‘What have you been up to Pia Benitez-Smith? I bet you have some escapade to cheer me up.’

  Pia considered for a moment. ‘Today, Ed sent me to photograph the men’s changing rooms in Selfridges, where it is alleged that a certain MP changed more than clothes with a young assistant.’

  ‘And how did that go?’

  ‘Well. I didn’t realise there was anyone in the changing rooms. I managed to capture the rapper Davey Silver Rock down to his boxers.’

  ‘Oh dear.’ Cate’s lips twitched in the corners.

  ‘I had no idea who he was.’ Pia shrugged. ‘But his bodyguards were quite insistent about seeing me to the door. Very nice men. Carried me all the way.’

  Cate laughed. ‘Only you Benitez-Smith.’ She smiled at her, not letting go of her eyes. ‘I’ve missed you.’

  They stood a few inches apart, close enough to feel each other’s presence.

  Cate broke into a grin. ‘At least I now have a photo of you to keep me company.’

  Pia slapped her hands to her face and emitted a muffled groan from behind her fingers. ‘That bloody photo.’

  Cate’s delivery was deadpan. ‘It shows a side of you most people don’t see.’

  ‘Oh, don’t.’ Pia cringed at the memory of seeing a poster-size print of the team photo on Ed’s wall, complete with Pia’s contribution from the bathroom window.

  Cate’s soft fingers slipped between Pia’s face and hand, and enticed her arm down to her side.

  ‘Sorry. I couldn’t resist.’ Cate’s face was full of amusement and sparkle. ‘Made my day on a very gloomy one.’

  Pia could feel Cate’s warmth through her dress as she held her hand to her thigh. Pia’s chest filled with longing. She gazed into Cate’s eyes and saw tenderness and admiration there. She was lost trying to fathom Cate’s thoughts and didn’t realise that she drew closer still.

  Cate blinked and looked down. ‘I’m trying to sort things out,’ she whispered. ‘I need a little time. It hasn’t been going very well, as you might imagine.’ She drew Pia’s hand to her chest. ‘Please give me a chance.’

  Pia’s response was stifled by a loud cough from the doorway.

  ‘Pia.’ Ed peeped around the door. ‘I’m afraid I need to send you on another errand.’

  Cate let her hand slip. ‘I need to go home anyway.’ Her vitality drained away as she said the words. ‘Good night both.’ And without glancing at either, she left the room.

  Pia’s mouth must have made a perfect ‘o’ shape as she gawped at the door.

  Ed pursed her lips together and drummed her fingers on the doorframe. ‘What was that about shortarse?’

  Pia shook her head, in an attempt to inspire her brain, but it didn’t work. Her heart beat so hard that it deafened her ears and distracted from any coherent thought. ‘I don’t know.’

  Ed glared at her. ‘You could have at least given me an honest lie and said it was about her birthday party.’

  Pia stared at Ed with eyes as round as her mouth. ‘Seriously, I don’t know.’

  ‘Hmmm.’ Ed turned to leave. ‘By the way, are you ready with a posh frock for tomorrow evening?’

  ‘Huh?’ said Pia, her brain still less than fully functional.

  Ed peered over her glasses, ‘For Cate’s birthday bash dear?’

  ‘Oh, is there a dress code?’

  ‘It’s black tie darling.’

  ‘It’s black tie?’ Pia’s shoulders slumped and every last bit of breath escaped her in a sigh. ‘Of course it’s black tie.’

  -

  Her mother’s bottom was all that was visible, poking out of the bedroom wardrobe. Hangers rattled from within as clothes were thrust from side to side with determination.

  ‘You try this one.’ A black garment flew through the air to Pia who stood self-conscious in her bra and briefs.

  ‘What is it?’ Pia stretched the fabric with her fingertips as if it was something unpleasant.

  Her mother’s red face swept up from the cupboard.

  ‘It’s a dress mija. Remember? You wore one when you were three, and it made you cry.’

  ‘I mean, how on earth do I put it on?’ Pia said, unable to fathom the entrance to the item.

  ‘Give it here.’ Her mother shook the material out and lovingly smoothed the little black dress down her own body. ‘Oh, I was so slim and beautiful back then.’ She looked mournful. ‘You try it.’ And she held it up against Pia.

  ‘OK.’ Pia sulked.

  She pulled the stretchy material over her head, hunched her shoulders and pouted. She squinted in the mirror and was even less impressed than she anticipated.

  ‘I look like I’m i
n drag.’

  ‘Don’t be stupid. You’re like a teenager who’s been asked to do the dishes. Now stand up straight.’ She squeezed Pia’s arms. ‘God gave you beautiful breasts. Stand up and be proud of them, instead of walking around like they’re cow’s udders.’

  ‘Mama. It’s just this dress.’

  ‘Come on. Titties out.’ Her mother pushed her shoulders back. ‘There.’ She puffed her own chest out with pride. ‘There’s my beautiful girl.’

  Pia scowled into the mirror. She looked passable, if not at all happy.

  ‘It’s nice mama, and I know you were gorgeous in it. But it’s not me and I really need to look the part for this thing.’

  Her mother regarded her from beneath her eyebrows and put her arms around the back of Pia’s neck.

  ‘What you doing with this married lady, Pia? Why you trying to dress to impress? Heh?’

  ‘It’s not like that. I just don’t want to be an embarrassment.’

  Her mother’s expression wasn’t at all convinced.

  Pia was downcast. ‘Nothing’s going to happen. She’s married. She’s working for his magazine.’

  Her mother breathed out. ‘So why do you go to this party then?’

  Pia swallowed and peeped up. The words were difficult because they were the truth. ‘Because I love her and I can’t do anything else.’

  ‘Oh mija.’ Her mother drew her under her arm and rocked her from side to side. Pia closed her eyes and was smothered and warmed by the embrace.

  ‘Let’s hope nothing does happen, heh?’ her mother said. ‘Imagine the mess you’d be in then.’

  ‘Nothing will.’

  Her mother stroked her hair. ‘If you say.’

  And Pia did her best to smile.

  ‘Now.’ Her mother released Pia and clapped her hands together. ‘We have one more thing to try.’

  She knelt by the bed and eased out a dust cover from beneath the mattress. ‘This’, she said, zipping around the edge, ‘was your father’s.’ She magicked out a dinner jacket with slim trousers and held them up to Pia. ‘It may work with a nip and a tuck.’