by Sarah Noffke
“You too, Sue,” Pete, also known as Mike, commanded. “Let’s get them something to eat and show them some Wyoming hospitality.”
“Oh good,” Lee muttered. “I had a hankering for some Rocky Mountain oysters after being chased by those buffalo.”
Chapter One Hundred Nine
“I’m not a big fan of stairs,” Lee informed the table.
“Why is that?” one of the kids asked while leaning on his hands, his elbows perched on the dinner table.
“Because they’re always up to something.” Lee howled with laughter, joined by Lunis, who had his head poking through the kitchen window.
Sue glanced at her husband across the table. “Are you sure I can’t shoot her?”
“I’m sure.” He pushed his empty food plate away.
They had feasted on chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, and rolls—all of it swimming in thick gravy.
“Kirk, will you pass the rolls?” Lee pointed at the basket of bread.
The oldest boy scowled at her. “I already told you that my name is Aaron.”
Lee shook her head. “You look like a Kirk. That’s what I’m calling you.”
“How exactly did this woman save your life?” Sue asked her husband.
“It’s a great story,” Lee interrupted. “I was supposed to kill him. A hit had been put on Mike’s head, and I got the job.”
“You’re a hitman?” the middle boy Toby asked.
“Hitwoman,” Lee corrected. “But I prefer to go by assassin. It sounds classier.”
“Because that’s the concern here,” Sophia muttered, wishing she could eat another bite of the wholesome food, but way past full.
“You invited an assassin into our house?” Sue asked Pete with obvious agitation on her face.
“Yeah, but she’s a good one,” he argued.
“Because there are good assassins and bad ones,” Sophia said mostly to herself.
“Anyway, I’m about to murder Mike,” Lee continued. “Then I notice that he’s got a catalytic compost figanator.”
“What’s that?” the youngest boy Nathan asked.
“It’s something I’d been looking for,” Lee answered. “Magitech stuff.”
Pete laughed. “I picked it up at a garage sale and had been tinkering with it for a while. Didn’t know what it was.”
“So I ask him if he can get it working,” Lee explained. “And Mike tells me he thinks so and understands magitech even if he isn’t a magician type.”
“I think I understand it better because of that,” Pete admitted.
“Maybe,” Lee stated. “Anyway, we shared a few beers, and I told him I wasn’t going to kill him and instead took out the guy who had put the hit on Mike. And he’s been my magitech mechanic ever since.”
“Who put a hit on you?” Sue asked her husband.
“Some guy I shoved at a bar,” Pete answered.
“Oh, well, that narrows it down,” Sue said.
“Well, I need that water purification thingy you were working on for me,” Lee informed Pete.
He blew out a breath. “It will work for you, but not without some minor complications.”
“Minor complications is my middle name,” Lunis said with a laugh.
Sophia nodded. “Yeah, that’s pretty much how we roll. If it’s easy, we don’t do it.”
“You sure you don’t want anything?” Pete asked Lunis. “A goat? An alpaca? A pig?”
“Talk about hospitality,” Lunis stated and looked at Lee. “You could learn something from this one.”
“I gave you humor, which is the best gift of all,” she replied.
“What’s the problem with the water purification device?” Sophia asked Pete, struggling to keep the group on task.
“It works, but I fear for a big job, it’s probably going to overheat and explode,” Pete answered. “I mean, there’s got to be a fair amount of water in Scotland, right?”
“Just a smidge,” Lunis stated with a laugh.
“But it will work, right?” Sophia pressed.
“Sure, but it’s probably going to blow up a sizable area toward the end,” Pete stated. “So you’ll get your clean water, but probably lose some land.”
“Tradeoffs,” Sophia muttered and glanced at Lunis. “We put it in the Pond, which feeds into the other water supplies and take a hit at the Gullington. Do you think that will work?”
“It’s going to have to,” he replied.
“What I don’t get,” Lee began and nibbled on a roll, “is why you and your camouflaged family live in Wy-pits-of-hell-oming.”
“Were we talking about that?” Sue asked, obviously not used to the assassin baker’s randomness.
“The voices in my head were discussing it while you all talked about the water thingy,” Lee said.
“We got a lot of land to ourselves, which is good because I can’t live around people,” Sue explained. “I’ll kill them if so.”
Lee nodded. “I’m the same way, but I do.”
“Wyoming isn’t all that bad,” Pete stated. “There are worse places. We could live in one of those socialist places.”
“Like Scotland,” Lunis added.
“Or Switzerland,” Pete said.
“You know what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?” Lee asked the table.
“What?” Toby asked.
Lee shrugged. “I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus!”
Sue stood. “Well, it seems as though you all should be on your way. We don’t want to keep you.”
“You’re not.” Lee held up the half-eaten roll. “These are pretty good. Can I have the recipe?”
“No,” Sue answered at once with her hands on her hips.
“You know,” Lee squinted at the woman in full camouflage gear. “You look like a floating head. I can’t see any of your body with that suit on.”
“I feel like you two are even now, Pete.” Sue crossed her arms. “You fixed her water device, and she saved your life. No need for further dealings.”
“We’re friends now,” Pete argued.
“That’s right,” Lee said proudly. “You don’t owe me anything anymore.”
The scowl on Sue’s face deepened. “I don’t want the boys around an assassin. The things they’ll learn…”
“They shot arrows at us, and you’re worried about what they’ll learn from Lee?” Lunis questioned.
“Probably just bad jokes,” Sophia agreed with a nod.
“Hey, what’s another name for an Asian assassin?” Lee asked, her eyes popping wide with sudden excitement.
“Please don’t,” Sophia begged.
“Chinese takeout!” Lee exclaimed.
“I’m suddenly thinking of going into the assassin business,” Sue said dryly.
“Oh, well, then I might have a job for you,” Lee began. “I’m gonna assassinate the Prime Minister, and I need help from someone.”
Sue lowered her chin and regarded Lee with a silent stare.
“Yeah, so shoot me a PM if you’re interested.” Lee laughed loudly.
Chapter One Hundred Ten
“I can’t believe how fast Sue reached for that crossbow,” Lunis said as they stepped through the portal right outside the Gullington.
“I can’t believe she keeps it under the table there,” Sophia added.
“There was also a box of grenades next to the bread box,” Lunis informed them.
“Where else are you supposed to keep the grenades?” Lee carried the large contraption that would hopefully purify the water of Scotland.
Sophia needed to inform Hiker and Quiet that they would have to blow up part of the Gullington for this. “You can wait out here with Lunis,” she said to Lee.
The assassin shook her head. “And miss a chance to see the inside of a two-hundred-year-old castle? No way, Jose.”
Sophia glanced at the huge castle that appeared when they stepped through the Barrier. “It’s more than two hundred years old.”
>
“Anyway, you’re embarrassed by me, aren’t you?” Lee boldly asked. “You think that I’ll embarrass you in front of your little dragonrider friends.”
“Your behavior doesn’t reflect on me,” Sophia retorted. “I’m afraid that you might meet someone who will murder you for your bad jokes.”
“Bring this person on,” Lee urged. “I’ll cut this pansy-ass who can’t take a joke.”
Sophia gave Lunis a look that said, “She’s about to meet her match.”
Lee left the water purification device on the stairs to the Castle and entered the large building. She glanced around at the entryway with mild curiosity on her face.
Trin had her legs extended, using the stilt technology built into them, and was dusting the rafters at the top of the cathedral ceilings.
Lee pointed up. “You missed a spot.”
The cyborg glanced down at Sophia. “Who is that?”
“She’s an assassin baker who is going to help us fix the water supply so the sheep stop exploding,” Sophia informed her in one long sentence without taking a breath.
“Well, can she at least wipe her boots before she enters, or is that too much to ask?”
Lee lifted her muddy boots, which were covered in a lot of Wyoming. “You must know my wife. She complains about non-issues too.”
“It looks like you’ll find multiple people who will murder you.” Sophia grabbed Lee by the arm and urged her up the stairs and to Hiker’s office.
Once inside the leader of the Dragon Elite’s study, Sophia found Hiker, Quiet, and Mama Jamba all seeming to wait for her. It was typical to find Hiker pacing his office, which was what he was doing. Mama Jamba was in her usual spot on the sofa, her legs tucked underneath her as she sketched on her pad of paper. However, to find the groundskeeper in Hiker’s office was strange.
He stood inside the doorway, his hands pinned behind his back and a flat expression on his face.
“Oh, and this would be the reason that Quiet showed up and has been stationed here.” Hiker said, his gaze focusing on Sophia before sliding over to Lee. “Who would you be, and why are you in my castle?”
“If I told you who I was, then I’d have to kill you,” Lee stated. “And I’m thinking of purchasing this pile of rocks. I saw it listed on Zillow. It’s small, but I have an excellent carpenter.”
Hiker shot Sophia a punishing glare. “What have you brought into the Gullington?”
“She’s the one who is going to fix the sheep exploding problem,” Sophia stated.
“Her name is Lee,” Mama Jamba added, not looking up.
“And apparently she is sincerely going to help, or Quiet wouldn’t have let her in here,” Hiker observed.
“But I might steal the silverware,” Lee threatened. “I didn’t make any promises about that.”
“You did,” Sophia challenged.
Lee held up her crossed fingers. “You can never trust a baker. You should know that by now.”
“You think a baker can fix the water supply?” Hiker questioned.
“She’s also an assassin,” Mama Jamba added.
“You think an assassin can fix the water supply?”
“Yeah, my sources say she’s the only chance we have,” Sophia stated.
“Which means my price just went up,” Lee chided.
Sophia narrowed her eyes at the assassin baker. “You already stole your payment from Papa Creola.”
Hiker lifted a single eyebrow. “That’s bold. Stealing from the Father of Time.”
“Do you know what assassins do when they have nothing to do?” Lee asked.
“What?” Hiker asked because he didn’t know any better.
“They kill time,” Lee answered with a laugh.
Hiker’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”
“She likes to make bad jokes,” Sophia informed him.
“I didn’t think it was that bad,” Mama Jamba said.
“I disagree,” Hiker stated.
“My jokes tend to go over people’s heads,” Lee imparted. “Like an attempted assassination.”
Hiker closed his eyes for half a beat. “Where do you find these people, Sophia?”
“They usually find me.”
“How is your assassin business going?” Mama Jamba asked Lee, not glancing up from her pad of paper.
“It’s making a killing.” Lee slapped her knee and threw her head back as she chuckled.
“Well, I’m glad you’re doing something you enjoy,” Mama Jamba informed her casually.
“Mama, have you lost your mind?” Hiker argued.
“Many times,” she answered at once.
“You do hear yourself, right?” Hiker asked. “She’s an assassin.”
“It’s a profession like anything else.” Mama Jamba looked up and smiled.
“And what other occupation has the word ass in it twice?” Lee grinned proudly.
“Please tell me that you will have this person fix the water and leave as soon as possible,” Hiker said to Sophia.
“Yes, but about that,” Sophia began tentatively. “We have the technology that will purify the water supply, but there’s a repercussion.”
“As long as the sheep aren’t exploding, I’m okay with a small repercussion,” Hiker stated.
“Yeah, but part of the Gullington is going to explode,” Sophia said coyly.
The Viking let out a breath. “Of course. That would be the reason that Quiet is here, then.”
“Hey, you’re wearing a skirt.” Lee pointed at Hiker’s kilt as if only then noticing it.
He ignored her and turned to the gnome. “Can you help manage the situation?”
Quiet mumbled something inaudible.
Mama Jamba nodded. “I’m happy to help with that.”
Hiker glanced between the two. “What are you two going on about?”
“Oh, son, clean out your ears, would you?” Mama Jamba asked. “That was as clear as day.”
Hiker looked at Sophia for backup. “Did you make that out?”
She shrugged. “Sounds like between Mama Jamba and Quiet, they’ll manage things.”
“See, she heard us just fine,” Mama Jamba stated.
“Honestly, I guessed,” Sophia admitted.
“It’s impossible to know how big an explosion this water purification device is going to cause,” Mama Jamba began. “I can only do so much to mitigate the repercussions. Quiet is prepared, but he’s limited as well. We have to embrace the uncertainty and be ready for whatever happens.”
Hiker nodded. “Let’s hope the Castle is still standing after this all.”
“Let’s hope,” Lee agreed. “Or the deal is off, and I’m not buying the place.”
Chapter One Hundred Eleven
“How does this work?” Sophia asked Lee as they strode out for the Pond alongside Lunis. Hiker, Mama Jamba, and Quiet followed them.
“I’m going to submerge this in that body of water,” Lee explained. “Then I’ve got to put the jinx dial to nine and the pinta dial on sun. We count to zen, then turn around three times. When it reaches circumstance bounty, then it will start working. Make sense?”
“With directions like that, I’ll lose my mind in no time,” Sophia answered.
Lee nodded. “You understand things as well as my wife. It wouldn’t kill either of you broads to get an education. Just because you’re women doesn’t mean you can’t read. This is the twentieth century.”
“Twenty-first,” Sophia corrected.
Lee tilted her head and gave Sophia a pitying look. “Wow, maybe college isn’t the right place for you. But don’t worry, I’m sure you can marry well. Well, if that blue lizard stops following you around. No one is going to ask you out with that fire-breather breathing down their necks.”
“I’m right here,” Lunis said dryly.
“And I’m right here.” Lee pointed at the spot in the dirt where she stood. “And Sophia is right there. At this point, we’re all going to pass kindergarte
n.”
“Seriously though,” Sophia began. “Do you know how big an explosion this thing is going to make?”
“Based on the volume of water it has to purify,” Lee mused. “Plus the air density, along with the incredible magical reserves it uses. Add the factors related to the time of day and temperature… I haven’t got a clue.”
“Well, we better get as far from it as possible,” Sophia stated. “Can we set a timer and run like hell?”
“We can, but the water purifier doesn’t have one, so you can set one on your phone if you like,” Lee offered.
Sophia lowered her chin. “I meant on the purifier.”
“Oh, then no,” Lee chirped. “I have to set the device and do it manually. Then we run like hell.”
“How long do we have?” Sophia waved for Hiker and the rest to stay back. They stopped at the first ridge before the Pond, a good distance away.
“Hard to say,” Lee answered. “Probably between five and fifty-five seconds.”
“That’s quite a range.” Lunis chuckled.
“Depends on what you’re doing,” Lee stated. “But yes, if it only gives us five seconds, then the explosion will most likely take us down. And if it’s like the last time, then fifty-five seconds won’t give us enough time to get away. That explosion is why I wore an eye patch for a good long time.”
“Sounds like a story for later,” Lunis encouraged.
Lee stopped abruptly and set the water purifier down. It sank into the water of the Pond immediately nearly covered, but the top with the dials still sticking out. “Okay, I’ll just set the stuff, and you all can go and play in your treehouse.”
Sophia shook her head. “You get that we’re not twelve, right?”
“I don’t,” Lee said.
“We’re not leaving you,” Sophia argued. “Maybe you can tell me how to do it, and you can get away. Then Lunis and I can fly to safety afterward.”
“Because you so understood my directions before, right?” Lee asked, condescension heavy in her voice.
Sophia hung her head. “I so didn’t. Fine, we’ll run like hell together.”
“It’s part of my skill set,” Lee bragged. “All good assassins have to know how to get away fast.”
