by Calista Fox
“Just say it,” Jude urged.
Desperation tore through him. He knew the emotion so intimately, it wasn’t the least bit difficult to identify.
“Tell me, Kate. Tell me how badly you want me.”
Her eyes danced a bit in the sockets. Her fingers clutched at him, the tips gripping his biceps.
“Kate—”
“It’s not a question, Jude,” she said, her brows knitting together. She shook her head and told him, “It’s not a question to be answered. You know the answer.”
She gazed at him, their eyes locked.
“I didn’t ask a question,” Jude clarified. “I want you to say the words, Kate. Tell me how badly you want me.”
She released his arm and lifted a hand, the backs of her fingers gliding over his cheek. Then her hand threaded his hair.
“You want me to say words that can’t actually quantify or qualify how I feel, Jude. You want to hear your words. What I want…is to…” She tugged him to her so their lips touched. “I want to express how I feel.”
Jude’s gut clenched. His heart swelled. “Kate.”
“You want to know what you do to me every time you look at me, Jude? Every time you’re close to me? Every time you kiss me, touch me, fuck me? You want to know what you do to me?” she repeated. Her lips whisked over his in a whisper of a kiss before she murmured, “You bring me to life. You give me a life…one that’s mine. One that I don’t have to explain or justify or pretend doesn’t exist in an effort to placate someone else or fit another person’s ideal. With you…I get to be me, Jude. I get to enjoy all the wicked twists and turns of life because you incite them. Because you want to experience them as much as I do.”
“Yes, Kate,” he fervently said.
“And when you’re inside me, Jude… Nothing else registers. Nothing else matters. I just…feel…you.”
He continued to gaze at her. She didn’t look away. Didn’t even flinch.
Jude said, “If we’re so perfect for each other, Kate… Why the hell aren’t we together? Really together?”
Kate had an answer to that actual question.
A reasonable, sensible answer.
One wrapped around hopes and dreams. Aspirations. Legal papers and all those hoops she’d contended she’d jump through in order to join Nikki on her valiant journey.
One wrapped around what she’d just told Jude—that she didn’t have to justify or pretend didn’t exist. Jude wouldn’t hold her back from fulfilling those hopes and dreams.
Perhaps he wouldn’t understand the extreme situation of what she wanted to accomplish, but she believed he would understand how critical this was to her.
At that very moment, Kate wanted to share her plans. Yet if she spontaneously revealed all, it’d likely come out jumbled and inappropriately worded. She needed to rehearse in her mind what she was going to say, not impulsively drop a bombshell.
This discussion ought to be carefully addressed and meticulously timed; not fueled by hot sex and even hotter post-coital talk that was leading to confessions of the heart.
Shit.
Kate sighed. She wasn’t trying to hide confessions of the heart.
She knew Jude wasn’t, either. But after his stalwart openness with Annalise, which had led that relationship into sheer disaster, the man was probably turned upside down as to how he should play this new hand—reveal all his cards or keep them closer to the vest?
Kate realized she had no desire to hold him in limbo, to make him doubt this or that when it came to the two of them.
So she took her own leap of faith and said, “Jude, I want you more than anything I’ve ever known. It’s incredibly wild how much I want you. But to really be together…” She thought that one through a bit more strategically. Then admitted, “I have so much to tell you first.”
“Kate,” he grumbled. “Are you married?”
She swatted at him. “Cut it out. You know I’m not married.”
Jude combed his fingers through her hair, brushing the strands from her face. “So tell me…”
“I have plans, remember?” she said, maintaining the steady eye contact.
“Sure. I’m not asking you to change them. I wouldn’t. Remember?”
“Jude…” She sighed again, with a hint of exasperation. “You don’t know the full extent of these plans. I’ll be traveling a lot. To very…inconvenient…places.”
A monumental understatement.
Jude kissed her. Then said, “Tell me again that you want me, Kate.”
“I want you, Jude.”
“Okay. Screw inconvenient. I can work around inconvenient.”
“Jude—”
Kate slipped to her feet, moved her clothing back into place and took a few moments to try to regroup. They’d unexpectedly broached an incredibly sticky subject. One that gave her significant pause.
Coupling up with Jude McMillan…
Wow. Hell of a concept.
She attempted to pull in a deep breath, but it was shaky and feeble at best.
Kate’s gaze swept over the immediate area. The gorgeous twin staircases that rose to an open second-floor mezzanine. All the decorative, scrolled wrought-iron railings and the marble floors. The stately chandeliers. The expensive-looking accent tables and potted topiary.
A vision of this place at Christmastime instantly popped into her head. Kate could see a twenty-foot tall tree as the centerpiece in the entryway, elegantly adorned with ornaments and beautifully wrapped packages tucked beneath the plush limbs. Lighted garland twined around the railings. Carols wafting from hidden speakers. Children racing down the stairs to get to their presents.
Kate’s heart stuttered—and she practically heard the distinct sound of a needle skidding across a vinyl record.
Whoa! Wait… What?!
Children racing down the stairs to get to their presents…
Holy hell!
The visual was crystal-clear. Too highly detailed. Too much of an imminent reality—for Jude.
This house was designed specifically for the image filling Kate’s head.
But it wasn’t her reality.
Suddenly, Kate couldn’t breathe. Her knees nearly knocked together. She needed to sit.
Her gaze flashed to one of the chairs by a foyer table.
Too far away.
Her hand shot out and she clasped Jude’s arm as the room took a quick twirl at her expense.
“Kate.” He grabbed hold of her, stabilizing her. “What the hell? Are you okay?”
“I was…thinking…” She gasped for air. “And then the room was…spinning.”
“Jesus.” He pulled her to him, engulfing her in his strong arms, holding her upright. A moment or two passed and Kate inhaled his familiar scent. Calm rippled through her. Her breaths deepened.
“Damn, you smell good,” she whispered.
“Hardly the time to be teasing me, Kate.”
“Sorry. I’m fine. I promise. I just had a moment of…of…”
Of?
Kate had no clue what the hell she’d just had a moment of. What on earth had just happened to her?
The vision that had materialized so easily in her brain had been way too specific. Right down to the three kids—two boys with Jude’s dark hair and eyes. A younger girl, with Kate’s bronze locks and golden irises.
“Son of a bitch,” she mumbled.
“Excuse me?”
Kate’s stomach twisted.
She was not on the hunt for a husband, a six-bedroom apartment in Tribeca, two dark-haired boys and one tawny-eyed little girl. Kate’s aspirations were leading her overseas. To a danger zone. To a place where she could hopefully connect with and heal men, women and children who needed her services on that ominously ravaged level on which Jude had once needed her.
And yet, how incredibly amazing did it feel to be in his arms, inhaling his intoxicating scent?
Fuck.
Kate knew precisely what had just happened to her.
T
he ultimate in bad and wrong.
Jude eased her away from him, though still kept his hold on her. His jaw clenched briefly before he asked, “What just jolted you?”
“Being here,” she confessed. “With you.”
“I intended to give you the grand tour.”
“I’ve gotten the gist of it from what I’ve seen.”
In more ways than one…
Jude ventured, “Not your cup of tea?”
“It’s a lot like the house I grew up in.”
“It’s the direct opposite of the ones I grew up in.”
“Yes, I know. That’s probably the point, right?” She searched his eyes for any clouding.
But his expression was shrewd as he told her, “We are very similar people, Kate. We distance ourselves from what we didn’t find appealing in the past and cultivate new existences that better suit us—rather than travel the easy road of conformity.”
“That philosophy is rife with complexity.”
“Indeed.” He sighed. “I suspect this ‘philosophy’ is something we ought to discuss in depth.”
“In depth.”
“Kate…” He stared into her eyes. “What epiphany did you just have?”
“One that’s giving me heart palpitations. One that I’ve known all along, I’ve just denied it or ignored it. Damn it, Jude. This is all my fault. I tried to contain something that’s uncontainable.”
His brow jerked upward. “What’s uncontainable?”
“You, Jude.” Her gaze didn’t waver. “And me. Us. Everything that’s transpired between us. None of this can be compartmentalized, put in a silo… Every interaction we have makes everything we feel, everything we desire, expand and take on a life of its own.”
She pressed her fingertips to her trembling lips.
Jude quietly asked, “How are you suddenly freaking out?”
“Because a relationship is uncontrollable—the variables shift from one moment to the next when you have two people with different thoughts and viewpoints constantly altering the dynamic. So that an anchor—me—can’t even predict what’s going to happen next. Or contain it in a sensible manner. And, my God… That’s actually part of the beauty of a relationship. Except…not as it pertains to us.”
“Kate.” Jude’s head whipped back as he clearly reeled. “I’m a lawyer, sweetheart, and as well articulated as your reasoning is, it doesn’t even work on me!”
“I know,” she said on a fractured breath. “It’s not meant to work on you, Jude. Because this is all working against us.”
“Oh, no, no, no!” He yanked the zipper up on his fly, but didn’t fasten the button at his waist. Couldn’t secure the ones on his shirt, either, because most of them were missing.
He started to pace.
Kate’s heart palpitations multiplied.
“You feel things for me,” Jude said, as though he were launching into one of his closing arguments, meant to sway her. Win her over. “This has nothing to do with counseling…and everything to do with us being a perfect match. I get you, Kate. And I would never keep you from pursuing whatever you wanted to pursue, being whomever you wanted to be.”
“Jude… You can offer blanket statements like that. But there are ideals to consider, goals and dreams and plans and—”
“Kate,” he halted and whirled around to face her. “I know your brain is always churning with all those goals and dreams and plans. And you’re always moving forward. I appreciate that.”
“But the ideals…” Kate once again took in the immediate sight of Jude’s enormous apartment. She hadn’t even made it past the foyer, and already…the place overwhelmed her. So, too, did that vision she’d involuntarily had. And the fact that Jude had always wanted to be a part of a family he’d never had.
Ironically, Kate had a family—one she was not fully a part of.
Her doing as much as everyone else’s. Kate didn’t fit in, because Kate didn’t want to fit in. She chose not to cave to others’ ideals.
Perhaps that was selfish.
She believed she was being true to herself. But again…perhaps she was selfish.
Helping people to heal had never been a self-serving act for her. She listened, she empathized, she offered ways to cope, to overcome, to turn things around for the better. She didn’t interject her personal beliefs into the sessions…she worked with her patients’ individual beliefs and helped them follow a counseling plan that was sustainable because it was centered on a righteousness rooted within. Not a radical turnabout that was too confusing to dissect when dealing with massive inner turmoil.
Really, sometimes Kate felt no one understood inner turmoil better than she. Then someone like Jude would come along and Kate had to concede she wasn’t the only one who wished another person “got her.”
The interesting thing about that particular sentiment was that Jude truly did get her. Nikki got her. When Conner was alive, he’d gotten her, too.
The difference in those scenarios, however, was that she, Nikki and Conner had spun yarns about all the cool shit they’d do once they’d graduated. All the non-traditional, non-conformist dreams that had always gone against the high-society grain. The three of them were from prominent families. Families that lived and died by conventionality.
The three of them had not been pillars of their respective familial structures. Kate oftentimes felt guilty over that, in her own situation. No daughter wanted to purposely displease her parents. Or her brothers, who’d always been protective of her.
But when sitting down to a dinner table night after night, listening to Dr. and Mrs. Stockman encourage their boys to be great athletes and scholars, find the right girl to marry, join the family practice, have children and be the sort of people other people aspired to be… Well. That was tough to stomach. Because when they’d looked at Kate, they’d merely nodded their heads and her mother had said, “You and Andrew will be so happy together. What beautiful children you’ll have. And, Kathryn, darling, you must master my pomegranate-citrus glaze for duck breast. Andrew is positively enamored by it!”
Andrew had, indeed, loved the glazed duck. He’d also wanted three kids…maybe that was why that specific number had magically appeared in Kate’s vision.
Actually, it’d been his parents to suggest three was the appropriate amount of children for a couple of their stature. And Andrew had latched onto that. One day, he’d even asked her if she liked the names he’d already picked out for their children.
He and Kate had only been eighteen at the time!
Kate rubbed her temple where a headache was forming.
Apparently, coming to Jude’s apartment had been a huge mistake. It was sending her in all kinds of errant directions. None of them good.
“Damn it, Jude,” she muttered. Then bucked up and said, “I believe in you. In everything you do. I know you so well…” Emotion swelled in her throat. Tears prickled the backs of her eyes. “You are an honorable man. Through all the adversity and the troubled times…you never once lost sight of the difference between right and wrong. Nor did you ever skip over the fact that gray areas exist. Those incongruent, in-between states that can’t actually be reconciled. You live in those gray areas. That’s what makes you so brilliant…so resilient.”
“Kate,” he said in a very honest tone, “I still feel like I’m drowning sometimes.”
“Everyone is drowning sometimes, Jude. What’s most important is making up your mind as to how you’re going to save yourself. If you can swim to shore on your own or if you need someone to toss you a life preserver to cling to… Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. You understand that.”
“It takes some fortitude to reach that conclusion, Kate. Especially for a man like me.”
“You recognized and accepted the choice you needed to make. You let someone help you. So that you don’t drown. You don’t even tread water, Jude. You always get back on solid ground and move forward.”
“You showed me how to do that, Kate.”
He kissed her tenderly. Then murmured, “You’ve done so much more than you’ll ever know… You rescued me, Kate. I made it through the bleakness with Annalise. I made it through this trial. I’m capable of dealing with all of this… Because of you.”
“Which is why I know I can let you go.”
His gaze narrowed on her. “What?”
“Jude…” Panic seized her. “We have to talk.”
19
Kate hated those words.
For one thing, they always preceded a negative outcome, didn’t they?
For another… They escalated anxiety before an issue had even been presented.
Jude asked, “Are we seriously doing this now?”
“Perfect place.”
“Because my apartment unnerves you.”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t buy it when I was with Annalise,” he explained. “It wasn’t meant for her. She never set foot in here.”
“No, but you did buy this place with thoughts of filling all these bedrooms…correct?”
Jude’s teeth gnashed. Then he gave a simple nod.
“You had a shitty childhood and chances are you subconsciously—or even consciously—want to rectify that.”
“Little late in the day, don’t you think?”
“Not necessarily,” she said as she began to circle the foyer. “You can create the perfect environment for yourself, for your children, for your family. Hell, Jude, you could even become the foster parent you might have dreamt about but never had.”
“I knew it was a mistake to leave all of this out of our sessions,” he lamented. “Coming back to bite me in the ass now.”
“It wasn’t exactly germane to our sessions. It is, however, pertinent currently. You want—envision for yourself—a classic familial unit.”
His brow furrowed. “I haven’t discerned it all has to be classic, Kate.”
She halted and speared him with a poignant look. “But I’m right.”
