Saints and Sailors

by Pam Rhodes

  “And where’s that?” asked Betty. “We must all be going to the same place, as our rooms are so close to each other.”

  “The Discovery Lounge, I think it said,” replied Mark.

  “What’s the Discovery Lounge?” asked Marion.

  “And where is it?” added Betty.

  “Well, I discovered it,” said young Callum. “I went round the ship while Dad was settling Grandad in. It’s a great big lounge with a stage at one end and a bar at the other, with lots of seats and tables in between. It might have been on the floor below this, or was it the next one down? Anyway, I’m pretty sure it was at this end of the ship – but it might have been the other…”

  “So is this our cue to do a bit of exploring?” laughed Deirdre. “That way we’ll all get lost together.”

  Getting lost with Deirdre, thought Mark longingly. What a wonderful thought…

  “Don’t forget Carole and Garry,” suggested Sheila. “They might want to come too.”

  “No chance!” grinned Marion, pushing back her chair. “They’ve already cleared off and left us. I don’t think they want to be seen with punters from C Deck!”

  “Wait for me!” wailed Betty, struggling to follow them. “I’ve eaten so much, I can’t move that fast. Do you think running late counts as exercise?”

  A couple of minutes before four, an announcement came over the tannoy, warning everyone that it was compulsory to take part in the fire drill which would happen as soon as the practice alarm sounded. In cabins all over the ship, passengers new to this routine fumbled around locating their bright orange life jackets, then trying to work out how on earth to put them on.

  “Do I put the strap round the front and tie it at the back, or round the back and tie it at the front?” puzzled Sheila.

  “I can’t do this,” wailed Betty. “My boobs are too big! A man must have invented these; a man with no idea whatsoever about the needs of ladies with big boobs!”

  On the same deck on the opposite side of the ship, Iris opened her cabin door to find Neil, Claire and Harry waiting outside for her, all of them looking stiff and awkward in their jackets, which were stuffed front and back with large rectangular blocks of what was probably polystyrene.

  “You look ridiculous,” Iris huffed, “and I refuse to look ridiculous with you. If the captain thinks there is any danger at all of this ship capsizing, he should own up now and we’ll get off and go home.”

  “Mum, you must. Everyone has to…”

  “I will not. I will, however, escort you as far as the Distress Lounge…”

  “… the Discovery Lounge,” corrected Neil.

  “Whatever it’s called,” Iris continued, giving her son a hard stare. “And I will carry with me this wretched orange monstrosity, but unless this ship is actually sinking, I will not put it on.”

  Like crocodiles of school children, the passengers filed out of their cabins and into the corridors. On the way, they passed business-like members of the crew, all with emergency uniforms and equipment, either striding purposefully in the opposite direction or standing along their way to keep them on the right route.

  As Neil and Claire marched on ahead, Iris found her path suddenly blocked by a tall, white-suited officer who stepped out to address her.

  “Madam, I see you’re having trouble with your life jacket.”

  Iris flushed. “Well, not exactly. I just think that…”

  “It can seem very complicated if you’ve not come across one of these jackets before,” smiled the officer, his blue eyes twinkling and his teeth gleaming unbelievably white. “Please allow me to be of assistance, dear lady.”

  And with his smile not dropping for a second, he expertly manoeuvred Iris into her jacket, while she allowed herself to be helped as if she were a flustered teenage girl.

  “Thank you,” she breathed when the procedure was accomplished. “I’m very grateful, Mr…?”

  “Stephan,” he replied, holding out his hand to shake hers before striding away. “Stephan Johannson. I’m the captain.”

  Iris still had high colour in her cheeks when she finally reached the packed Discovery Lounge. Neil was surrounded by people from both his parishes who had spotted his familiar face and made a beeline for him.

  “Well,” chuckled Betty, “this may be the first occasion when Neil’s two congregations are all together, but I can’t say any of us are looking our loveliest. I know we saw each other across a crowded buffet earlier, but we really are very pleased to be sharing this trip with you.”

  “And so are we,” responded Barbara, who intended to shake Betty’s hand in greeting until she realized that was almost impossible when wearing the cumbersome jackets. Instead, she waved both hands in the air and was delighted when just about everyone in the two groups waved too, first at her and then in general to anyone who was waving back. Plainly appalled, Carole and Garry moved a couple of steps away in the hope that no one would think they actually belonged to this large group of grinning, waving, orange-jacketed morons.

  “Good afternoon, everyone!”

  The voice belonged to an elegant blonde lady in a smart uniform, who was speaking from the mike on stage.

  “I am the assistant cruise director, Jane Thurlow, and I would like to welcome you all on board The Pilgrim. This fire drill is a necessary precaution which is all part of the high standard of safety procedures we adhere to on this ship. You will see on your safety jacket that, apart from telling you to report here to the Discovery Lounge, there is also a large number written in red. This number refers to the lifeboat to which you are allocated.”

  Across the lounge, the crowd searched their own jackets and those of their companions to find the number they had to look for. Generally speaking, the passengers who had cabins on the starboard side of the ship were on lifeboats with even numbers, whereas the lifeboats on the port side had odd numbers. What followed was organized chaos, as around the room crew members held up paddles with corresponding numbers to show passengers where they should muster.

  “Number 6 over here!” called a young man with glasses, who was waving a paddle in the air.

  “Good gracious,” said Clifford, who was the first to reach him. “You don’t look old enough to be away from home, let alone leading us all to safety should disaster strike.”

  The young man grinned. “Actually, I’m twenty-one, but I must admit this is my first time being part of the team on one of these drills.”

  “Not a seasoned sailor, then?” smiled Clifford.

  “I’m the pianist in the cocktail bar.”

  “Well, dear boy, you and I have a lot in common. I’ve tinkled the ivories in many a cocktail bar in my time.”

  “You play?”

  “A lifetime as a professional, from the West End theatre and the odd television musical, to senior church organist in the home counties – with many good, bad and ugly bookings in between…”

  The crowd heading for lifeboat number 6 was gathering around them, so their young leader raised his arm even higher and instructed them all to follow him.

  “Form a single file with each of you placing your hand on the shoulder of the person in front of you,” he called out, in the hope they could actually hear him. “That way no one gets lost, and everyone remains safe.”

  Across the huge lounge, rows of chattering passengers clasped hold of each other and disappeared in the direction of their allotted lifeboats. Within a couple of minutes, group number 6 was duly lined up on deck beside an impressive-looking lifeboat, while their bespectacled leader stood in front, trying to look confident.

  “So, as seasoned seamen go, you’re a good cocktail pianist, are you?” grinned Clifford, continuing their conversation.

  “Throw any song title at me, and I’ll play it in seconds. Throw a man overboard, and I’d be useless. Thank goodness all the rest of the crew know what they’re doing.”

  “Not been cruising long, then?”

  “This is my first contract. I’ve been here a
month now, and I’m still learning the ropes. Everyone in the entertainments team is great, though.”

  “Well, dear boy, I will look forward to sipping a G&T in the cocktail bar while you entertain us all. I’m Clifford, by the way.”

  “Andrew – and I play the organ at our church too.”

  As they waited for the all-clear, Iris’s attention was suddenly taken by a familiar voice she heard coming over the tannoy.

  “Good afternoon. This is your captain speaking, Captain Stephan Johannson, welcoming you aboard The Pilgrim on behalf of all the crew. We are delighted to have your company on this nine-day cruise around the British Isles, and hope that each and every one of you will have a pleasant and inspiring trip. Our itinerary includes many fascinating trips ashore, plus a whole programme of entertainment, activity and interest while you are with us.”

  “I met him,” whispered Iris, tugging at Harry’s sleeve. “In the corridor just now – he spoke to me!”

  “Really?” chuckled Harry. “You’ll be dining at the captain’s table before you know it.”

  “Let me hand you over now,” continued Captain Stephan’s voice on the tannoy, “to our wonderful cruise director, Ramon Moreno, who can tell you what’s in store for your interest and delight this evening.”

  There was the rustle of the microphone being handed over before the air was filled by a deep, warm voice that lilted with a charming Spanish accent. It certainly got the instant attention of most of the ladies who were listening.

  “My friends,” Ramon began. “I take the liberty of addressing you in that way because we will all be very good friends by the end of our cruise in each other’s excellent company. Welcome to The Pilgrim. We want you to enjoy every moment of your holiday, and we start by inviting you to the Discovery Lounge this evening, where at nine o’clock, after dinner, The Pilgrim Classical Trio will be playing a popular programme of Chopin, Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninov.”

  Ramon’s voice was warm and inviting like liquid chocolate as he continued. “Those of you who’ve had time to peruse the Daily Programme which was left in your cabins will also know that there is much more to enjoy around the ship this evening – from a quiz upstairs in the Shackleton Lounge, Film Night in the cinema, and a touch of romance in the cocktail bar, with Andrew playing Schmoozic – melodies to smooch to until the wee small hours.”

  “He makes that sound delightfully decadent,” whispered Betty. “Are we allowed to be a little sinful on a Christian cruise?”

  “Oh, I do hope so,” muttered Sheila.

  “What a shame we’ll be all by ourselves in the moonlight,” sighed Marion. “Where’s my Ron when I need him?”

  “You left him at home to hold the fort with four teenagers for company. He’ll be frothing at the mouth by the time you get home!”

  Marion laughed. “At least I’ll know he missed me.”

  “Now…” continued Ramon, “may I remind all those who are taking part in the Christian element of this cruise that there will be an introductory meeting to which you are all invited in the Discovery Lounge at half past five this afternoon. There you can meet the Christian host team, and hear about the services, trips and events that may be of special interest to you.”

  “Heavens, that reminds me,” said Neil to Iris, who was standing beside him. “I’m due to meet Bishop Paul and the rest of the Christian team straight after this, just to make sure that the programme he planned is still what he’s got in mind. I must round up Clifford, Brian and Sylvia too. Paul’s asked them to sort out any music we need for our services on board. I’d better go!”

  “Well, the rest of us are all going up on deck to see the ship sail,” said Claire as Neil planted a kiss on her cheek. “If we miss each other, I’ll catch up with you at the gathering in the lounge.”

  By the time people started arriving in the Discovery Lounge for the meeting at five thirty, the organizing team had rubber-stamped the final arrangements, and agreed on how to divide up the range of contributions needed to provide ministry, lectures, Bible study and chaplaincy throughout the cruise. As Bishop Paul stepped up to the mike to get the meeting underway, he was delighted to see that there was standing room only in the packed lounge.

  “Good evening,” he began. “I am Paul Ambrose, Bishop of Bedford, and I am heading the Christian team who will be leading worship and praise during our time on The Pilgrim. We embark together on a journey which is indeed a pilgrimage, following in the footsteps of the ancient Celtic saints like Aidan, Cuthbert, Bede, Columba and Patrick. They shaped our faith, informed our belief and inspired our country to know the truth of Christ’s gospel. Each day as we go ashore, there will be a chance to choose from several different trips. You will have the chance not just to hear about the history of the location and appreciate its beauty, but also to learn of the spirituality and teaching of those great saints, who stretch down the years to inspire and guide us today.

  “First, I would like you to meet the people who form our main ministerial team during this pilgrimage, starting with the chaplains. As a team, we will not only be leading prayer and worship each morning before we set off on our travels, but also Bible study every evening. Each of us will also be available for quiet prayer and individual counselling, if you would like that.”

  One by one, as Bishop Paul called out their names, the ministers took their place at the side of the stage.

  “May I introduce my good friend Reverend Ros Martin, who is now the rector of a large parish in Worcestershire. Next on the team, there’s the Reverend Neil Fisher, who’s brought with him quite a few members of his church in Derbyshire. They are joined by Methodist minister Maurice Brown from Exeter, who’s here with his party. We’re also delighted to have Father Peter and Sister Maureen from Birmingham, with a group of Catholic mothers. We are also pleased to know that on board there are several other members of the clergy from all denominations, some travelling individually, others with their own groups from churches up and down the country. We are looking forward to meeting you all as we worship together. We are one body, one church here. Getting to know each other and building the fellowship between us will be one of the greatest pleasures for us all as we travel together.

  “Next, I would like to introduce you to a Presbyterian minister who was working right in the centre of Belfast during its most troubled times. He became involved with broadcasting for the BBC in Northern Ireland, before moving over to the mainland, where he was responsible for all the BBC’s religious programming on both radio and television. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Reverend Ernie Rea.”

  Ernie stepped up to take the mike offered to him by the bishop. He was a tall, slightly built man with a kindly face and a Northern Ireland accent.

  “I am very pleased to be a member of the worship team on board The Pilgrim, taking part in our daily services, and travelling with you to visit places where the great saints lived, worked and wrote in years gone by. And as we visit some of these important sites, I will also be presenting a series of lectures which will explain some of the history and background to the lives of these men, hopefully giving you context to the wisdom and insight they’ve left as a legacy for us.”

  As Ernie left the stage to a round of applause, Bishop Paul spoke again.

  “Now I’d like to introduce you to a lady who has been the familiar face of BBC Television’s Songs of Praise programme for almost thirty years – Pam Rhodes!”

  Necks craned among the audience as they tried to see whether Pam looked older, fatter or just different from the way she seemed on their television screens. In fact, she looked reassuringly familiar as, smiling, she came up to take the mike.

  “Hello, everyone! Like all of you, I am looking forward to sharing services and Bible study while we’re on the ship, as well as visiting places that have the power to inspire and move us.”

  “Rose used to love her,” Harry whispered to Iris.

  “She’s got a lisp,” commented Iris. “I always thought it was my te
levision, but she’s still got it.”

  “That’s one of the things Rose always said she liked best about her.”

  “Towards the end of our time on board together,” continued Pam, “I will be presenting our own ‘Songs of Praise’. No cameras, just us, but we’ll be following the same pattern that’s made the television programme popular for more than fifty years, not just in the UK, but in many other countries around the world. We’ll be singing together some of the most loved and moving hymns, both traditional classics as well as modern favourites – but in between our singing, I hope to talk to some of you about the challenges you’ve been through, and how your faith has supported you.

  “So my first request is to say that if any of you feel you have gone through an experience that you would like to share during our ‘Songs of Praise’, perhaps you could let me know, and I can arrange to talk it through with you. Everyone has a story to tell – everyone has been challenged in their faith – and it would be very encouraging for us all to hear some of those stories. During our ‘Songs of Praise’, I’ll only have time to include four testimonies, so I’ll choose the four that together offer the greatest variety of experiences for us all to hear. In finding those people, I’m really looking forward to talking to any of you who would like to contribute to our Christian fellowship in this way, so feel free to chat to me at any time.

  “Apart from that, I know how much many of you enjoy singing, so I’d like to suggest that we form a very informal gospel choir. We’ll need a few rehearsals, because the choir will be performing at our very last worship time together, up on deck as we sail away from Honfleur on our final evening. Bearing in mind how we’ve come together from all sorts of different backgrounds, I think we should call it the ‘Good Heavens!’ choir. What do you think?”