If I Only Knew

by Corinne Michaels

  Ava probably heard one tenth of that and then tuned me out, but I feel better having said it.

  I send Kristin a text.

  * * *

  Me: Good luck when Finn becomes a teenager.

  * * *

  Kristin: Ava being a brat again?

  * * *

  Me: Again? When did she stop?

  * * *

  Kristin: That’s why we have two kids. The first one we fuck up and then fix all the mistakes with the second kid. Parker is your do over.

  * * *

  She’s so stupid.

  Or maybe she’s brilliant.

  * * *

  Me: Nicole is on her way to talk to her.

  * * *

  Kristin: You think Nicole is the best one to give her advice? Are you drunk?

  * * *

  Me: Desperate.

  * * *

  At this point, I would take help from anyone. My parents left for a two-month cruise and land tour of Europe. Peter’s parents are worthless. When he died, in their eyes, so did we. I’m the girl who got knocked up, forced him to get married, and stole their son. I’ve always been the anti-Christ, only now they don’t have to pretend anymore. And my sister, Amy, moved to Brazil with her new husband. I’m pretty much on my own.

  “Mommy?” Parker’s sweet voice breaks the silence.

  “Hi, buddy.” I open my arms and he doesn’t hesitate.

  Parker climbs up and fits perfectly to my side. “Do you think Daddy can hear me when I pray?”

  I look at him, trying to control my shock. “I sure hope so.”

  His eyes fill with unshed tears. “I miss him.”

  “I do too.”

  “Why did he go to Heaven?” Parker asks.

  Because a selfish asshole didn’t want to plead guilty to a crime he committed and decided to kill your father for pushing the deal.

  I give him the softer version. “Sometimes, the people we love are needed as angels,”

  He lays his head on my shoulder and sighs. “I wish God let him stay.”

  “Me too, Spiderman. Me too.”

  “Why do you call me that?” he asks with a knowing smile.

  I grin back at him. He loves this story and I love to tell it. “Well, when we found out that we were going to have a baby, your dad wanted to name you something super cool and I didn’t like the name Peter.” We both giggle. “I was joking about all the crazy names that he kept throwing out, like Hulk and Ironman.” I widen my eyes. “Trying to make Daddy laugh, I said, sure, why don’t we name him Peter Parker.”

  “And he said Spiderman!”

  “Yes, he did.” I tickle him. “So, I loved my Peter and I love my Parker.”

  “I love you, Mommy.”

  My throat dries and I fight back the tears. “I love you and Ava with my whole heart.”

  I thank God Parker doesn’t remember how hard life was after he was born. All he’ll know is that his father loved him. He’ll be able to hold that to his chest, where Ava remembers how much Peter and I fought, mostly about the little boy in my arms.

  Peter loved him, but finances were tight and I needed to go back to work, but I wanted to give our son the same attention Ava received. With that choice came sacrifices to the life we were living, and I was willing to make them, but Peter wasn’t. He wanted the new cars, the addition on the house, and Ava to stay in private school. Coupled with that, and Parker’s first year of cleft palate surgeries . . . we almost fell apart.

  Parker and I sit like this, and I think about all the things he’ll miss having his father around for, and my heart aches again.

  I’ll be the one to teach him how to throw a ball, which will probably be more like him teaching me. When he starts the gross things, I’ll have to find a way to navigate it, not having a clue about boy stuff. The only thing I actually can do better is the girls part. Peter wasn’t exactly smooth or romantic, so hopefully Parker will let me guide him there. Lord knows boys are dumb when it comes to women.

  A knock on the door breaks the sweet moment I was having with my baby. He jumps up and runs to the door, pulling it open as I stand behind him.

  “Aunt Nicole!”

  “Parker on the street!”

  I roll my eyes. “Stop making fun of his name.”

  “You picked it,” she tosses back.

  “And your son’s name is better?”

  She shrugs. “Colin is a great name.”

  “Like a colon, full of waste,” I smirk.

  “Very mature,” Nicole deadpans.

  “Parker,” I say. “Can you go watch tv in your playroom please?”

  He nods and runs off. He doesn’t normally get to watch a show on the weekdays, but I don’t want him anywhere around when his sister starts her tirade.

  “Thanks for this,” I say to Nicole.

  “Don’t thank me yet. I have no idea if anything will make a difference,” she squeezes my arm and heads into the blast zone.

  Nicole is in there what feels like a lifetime. I pace around, check on Parker twice, and then I can’t handle the waiting anymore. With my ear pressed to the door, I listen for anything. What I hear, though, is not what I was expecting.

  Laughter.

  Lots of laughter.

  What the hell is so funny? Nicole is supposed to be my backup in taming the beast, not laughing with her.

  I stare at the wood, wishing I had x-ray vision because surely my hearing is wrong.

  Before I can register what is happening, the door opens and Nicole is standing practically nose to nose with me. “Hi,” she smiles.

  “Hi, I was just . . .”

  “Sure you were,” Nic cuts me off and turns back to Ava. “Don’t forget what I said, okay?”

  “I won’t. Thanks Aunt Nic.” Ava’s lips turn to a smile. Something I haven’t seen in months. Something I thought the kid forgot how to do, since it’s so rare. But here she is, a small glimpse of the little girl who was once happy.

  The girl I miss more than anything, and would move heaven and earth to get back.

  Last night ended with Nicole telling me absolutely nothing of value. Basically, my daughter promised her nothing and I’m screwed. I’m grateful she tried, and at least Nicole was able to drive home the safe sex talk so I’m not a grandma before I’m forty.

  Forty.

  Just that word sounds like a curse.

  I pull out the mirror from my office drawer and look at my face. My dark brown hair is long and probably the only good thing about me right now. Thanks to having a little bit of natural curl, it hangs in perfect coils against my back. My eyes aren’t bad either, the blue seems to deter you away from the bags that are now covered with concealer. The rest though . . . ugh. Lines that weren’t there weeks ago are now forming, my skin sags a little, and I look tired. Fuck getting old. It sucks.

  Honestly, I’ll deal with the wrinkles and sagging boobs if I could sneeze without peeing myself. It’s ridiculous that I worry so much about coughing, laughing, or anything scaring me because I don’t want to wear Depends yet.

  “Mrs. Bergen, your ten o’clock interview is here,” the receptionist says.

  “Send her in, Staci,” I instruct.

  I had one interview earlier today that will not be getting a call back. I don’t know that she could find her way out of a paper bag let alone be my right hand.

  When the door opens, I take a step back.

  There stands a tall man with dark hair, green eyes, and lashes that any woman would die for. He wears an expensive suit that cuts his body perfectly. His eyes roam my body and I feel naked even though I’m fully dressed.

  This is not the new college graduate who is here for an interview.

  I clear my throat. “Can I help you?”

  “You sure can,” his British accent fills the air. My eyes narrow as he steps forward. “You can get out of my office, sweetheart.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You’re in my chair.”

  Staci looks to me
and then shrinks out. “Call security, Staci,” I call to her. “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

  The man sits in the seat, throwing his leg across his other. “I’m not going anywhere, but you’re welcome to call the owner. Tell the daft prick I’m here for my job.”

  And then it hits me. The eyes are the same color as Callum’s. Only he has beautiful, thick dark hair but then the accent . . . I know exactly who this is and why he’s here.

  Milo Huxley has come for his job—well, my job.

  Chapter Four

  Milo

  “Your job?” she asks, her blue eyes wide.

  “I asked to see the Senior Vice President of Acquisitions and Logistics.” I look back at the door for her name, but it’s missing.

  “Well, yes because that’s not your job since they brought you to see me.” she crosses her arms over her ample chest.

  I drop my leg and smirk at her. She doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by me being here or confused as to who I am. “You know who I am?”

  “Yes, Callum spoke of his brother and how he wasn’t returning to his position.”

  I stand, extending my hand. “Milo Huxley, and you are?”

  “Danielle Bergen, Senior Vice President of Acquisitions and Logistics.”

  Cheeky.

  She places her hand in mine with a firm handshake. “Well, Danielle, I’ll be sure to tell my wanker of a brother he can relieve you of your duty.”

  “Why don’t we call him together?” she suggests.

  I like her boldness. A woman who is assertive in the board room is sexy as hell. What’s not hot is her ring. Married women are my hard limit. I’ve done that once and I’d rather not repeat my mistakes. Nothing says good morning like a man with a shotgun.

  “Sure thing, sweetheart, let’s call Callum and get this mess sorted.”

  He’s clearly going to pick his own flesh and blood over some American. Cal is pragmatic at best. Besides, our Mum will intervene. No one messes with her precious baby, not even my brother. Well, half-brother, but I don’t hold it against him that his father was a douche.

  I let her lead the way, staring at her arse as she walks in front. Danielle is exactly the kind of woman I’m attracted to. Long legs, light brown hair, deep soulful eyes. I’m a dickhead, but not one that would take another man’s wife knowingly. If I was ever stupid enough to marry, I would kill the bastard who touched what was mine. But that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the view.

  We walk in silence, but I can feel the tension rolling off of her.

  “Have you been working in my job for long?” I ask as we make our way through the corridor.

  She tries to mask her emotions, but fails miserably. “Long enough.”

  “Really?” I smile letting her know I don’t believe the lie.

  She stops. “Listen, I worked hard for this position and I’m not going to let you come in here and take it away from me. Just a fair warning. I don’t care who you are, this is my job.”

  I like her. I admire a woman who will fight in business. It’s sexy as fuck.

  “Noted.”

  I extend my arm, inviting her to go ahead and knock on the door.

  “Yes?” Callum’s voice calls through the door.

  My brother has no idea I’m here. I figured it would be much more fun to spring it on him. We haven’t spoken since he tucked his cock between his legs and ran to America to marry his wife. I sadly missed their wedding while I was with . . . what’s her name? Sally? Samantha? No, Sandra. I was with Sandra in Italy, which I’m sure he’ll give me hell for. My mum already gave me an earful too.

  The door opens and I wish I was filming this. His face is priceless.

  “Hello, brother.” I grin as I step forward.

  “What are you doing here, Milo?” he asks.

  “Well, it seems you gave my job to this beautiful creature here, and I’ve come to save your arse.”

  Callum is a shrewd businessman, no doubt, but he has no vision when it comes to property. The reason he did well with his investments in England was because of how I approached each acquisition. I saw what could be and ensured that it became that. No matter what he thinks of me personally, there’s no way he can deny that I was good at my job.

  Until I lost my head and told him to fuck off.

  “Save me?” he laughs. “Do I look like I’m struggling?”

  His accent sure seems to be. “Well, I see you’re returning to your American roots.” I smirk, knowing it’ll piss him off.

  He gets to his feet. “Would you excuse us, Danielle?”

  She studies him for a moment and then her eyes meet mine. I wink, because I’m an arrogant man, and I catch the narrowing of her eyes.

  “Of course. I’ll be in my office.”

  Not for long sweetheart.

  She leaves and the air in the room thickens. My brother and I have always had a tricky relationship. He’s nearly six years older than I am, and hated that Mum loved me more. Even if that wasn’t the case. My mother was harder on me, always comparing me to her precious Callum. Reminding me that I was the fuck-up son, even if looking at Callum was difficult for her at times.

  Callum’s father was American and they met when she was on holiday in Florida. Their relationship was brief, but ended up with her pregnant. He sent a check monthly as payment for her pain.

  My dad came around when Cal was no more than two, raised him like his own, and Callum took his name when they married.

  But Callum has always hated me for being a real Huxley.

  I’ve also done my part to further wedge the knife.

  “So, you can fire her now or she can be my assistant if you’d rather,” I suggest, plopping on the couch in his office. “Either one is acceptable.”

  “Can I now?”

  “I’m sure she’s done a fine job, but let’s be honest . . . I’m your brother.”

  “Yes,” Callum agrees as he comes around his desk. “You are. My selfish, irresponsible, worthless brother who continues to act like everyone in this world owes him something.”

  I shake my head. “Do I have my job back or not?”

  Callum sits, his chin resting on his hand. “Not.”

  I rocket upright. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me.”

  “I came to America for you!”

  He laughs. “We’ve been here almost two years, Milo. You quit a year ago when I said I was going to move here permanently. If I recall correctly, you told me to.” He looks off like he’s trying to remember. “Oh, yes, rot in my stupid fucking company with my stupid fucking wife.”

  I don’t recall that, but I don’t deny it either. “I was drunk.”

  “You’re always drunk.”

  I roll my eyes. “I worked hard for you. I built this company with my blood, sweat, and tears, and then you run off to another country without so much as a, hey, Milo, I want you to run the London office and I’ll run the American one. No, instead, you give it to our numpty cousin Edward! Let’s keep the facts straight on why that happened.”

  He decided, not me.

  “If that’s how you remember it, you’re wrong. You disappeared, like you always do, for whatever model you’re chasing, leaving this company to deal with your absence! Regardless, you don’t get to march back here now and demand your job back.”

  “You can’t tell me she’s doing a better job than I would do.”

  Callum huffs like the prick he is. “She’s doing more than you ever did. She shows up, for one.”

  “I always showed up,” I say. “When it was actually important!”

  He laughs. “Where were you for my wedding? Or have you met your nephew? Hell, do you even know my wife’s name?”

  I try to recall. Is it Natalie? Nancy? No, that’s not it. I’m not good with names.

  “Nicole!” I shout as though I just won a game show question.

  He doesn’t look impressed. “You took off. I replaced you.”

&nbs
p; “Just like your father, I see.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I wish I could put them back in. Callum doesn’t need to say anything because his eyes show his hurt. “Fuck, Cal, I’m sorry. That was out of line. I’m . . . a twat.”

  I realize that my happiness has come at a cost for him, but I’m ready now. I need my job back. Being rude to my brother probably isn’t the best idea.

  “Yeah, you are,” he agrees. “Where have you been the last year?”

  “I’ve been living.”

  I refuse to show my weakness to anyone, let alone him. I never do. My life has been vastly different than my brother’s. When Callum had doors open to him, they closed for me because I didn’t have to work hard enough for things. My mum forced Callum to become a man, where I was sheltered because she was afraid to “lose me too”. I wanted to live. I had dreams of being on my own, but Mummy had other ideas. Instead of letting me live, I was forced into a cage. My brother may have looked at me like a spoiled, bratty, and entitled prick, but I was secretly jealous of him.

  He shakes his head. “Well I’ve been running a business. I’ve been raising a family. I’ve been behaving like a fucking grown up, where you are. . . the same as always.”

  That one stings a little.

  “I’m here now. I’m asking you to give me another chance.”

  Callum starts to pace the room. “I can’t do this again, Milo.”

  “Do what?”

  “This!” He yells with his hands raised in the air. “Where I bail you out time and time again. It’s always the same story, just a different setting. I’m not going to fire Danielle because you decided you finally wanted to come get your job back. If it was that important to you, you would’ve come with me from the start. Instead, you ran off, like you always do, and left me in a bind.”