If I Only Knew

by Corinne Michaels

  “Danielle,” he mutters. “What do you want?”

  I want him.

  I want . . . I want . . . I want to know if this is real or not.

  I want to remember what it feels like to be kissed, wanted . . . touched.

  And I want it to be him that shows me.

  But there’s a part of me that isn’t sure if it’s the right thing or not. I worry this will only complicate things.

  I open my eyes, looking for answers in his stare, wanting to know if I’m overthinking this or if maybe he’s kidding. I see the confliction, longing, and hope swirling around, but there’s a softness on the edge of it all.

  “I’m scared,” I admit again.

  He closes his eyes, pressing his forehead to mine, and I move my fingers down his arm. Life is short. I’ve seen it first-hand. I’ve loved and lost, but somehow, I survived the hurt. I don’t know what this is or why I feel it, but I do.

  Maybe it’s the way he looks at me sometimes. Maybe it’s how he treats my kids. Maybe it’s the way when I was falling apart, he held me together. Whatever the reason is, I like him. I feel something and tonight it’s impossible to deny.

  “I’m a fool,” he says quietly.

  No. He’s not. I am. I’m the fool who wants him but is too afraid. I bring my hands back to his wrist and say the words that have been on the tip of my tongue.

  “Kiss me.”

  Milo’s head snaps up. “What?”

  “Kiss me,” I say again. “Kiss me before I change my—”

  And he does. His lips press against mine and I freeze. Milo’s mouth is firm but not rough as he holds my head steady. I don’t move. I can’t because his lips are touching mine. My head starts to spin and I try to focus on the feeling of it, but I’m thrown.

  He pulls back. “If you want me to kiss you, you better kiss me back, get out of your head.”

  “I-I was just shocked,” I try to explain.

  “Kiss me like you want me. Unless you’re too afraid, and would prefer I kiss someone else?”

  He wants me to kiss him? Oh, I’ll kiss him.

  “Shut up,” my voice is hard. I don’t want to think about him kissing anyone else.

  “Make me.”

  “Fuck you!”

  “If you’re offering . . .” Milo tosses back. “Or you can prove that you’re not afraid and show me you know what you’re doing.”

  “You want me to kiss you?”

  His nose brushes mine. “Yes.”

  “Fine.”

  Asshole. I’ll show you what kissing me is like.

  I grab his face and lean over the console. I kiss him hard, unyielding, and with everything I have. He’s just as rough with me and suddenly I’m back in my seat again with him holding me. I push against his lips as he leans harder against me. His tongue slides across my lips but I don’t let him in.

  Milo lets out a low groan that boarders on a growl when he tries again. That’s right, buddy. I’m not meek or mild. I can blow your fucking mind.

  Finally, I open my lips just enough and when our tongues touch, I’m gone. No longer do I have any control of this kiss. Milo has seized it from me or maybe I’ve given it to him. Either way, I couldn’t care less. His hands tangle in my hair, holding me to his mouth as I grip the collar of his shirt.

  I’ve been kissed, but never like this. Never have I felt weightless and yet aware at the same time. No one has ever made my head swim or heart race like this. I crave more. This is a kiss that women dream of.

  The movie scene is set, lights are dim, and all anyone can focus on is us.

  I move my hands to his neck, holding on because I might float away.

  Milo devours my mouth, and I couldn’t fight him if I tried.

  With each brush of our tongues I melt deeper into his arms. Even in the car where there’s no space, I can’t get close enough to him.

  Suddenly, there’s a knock on the window and I shove him off me.

  Oh my God.

  I struggle to catch my breath. The windows are completely covered and the heat inside the car is stifling.

  Another knock. “Umm Mom?” Ava’s voice is full of amusement. “Are you and Milo okay?”

  “Shit,” I mutter.

  “Do you guys want to explain why the car is foggy?” she asks while cupping her hands to the window trying to see in.

  “What the hell am I going to say?” I ask him.

  “That you’re an adult and for her to mind her business. Or that you and I were snogging and you like me.”

  “What the hell is snogging?”

  “It’s kissing, Mom. You know, like in Harry Potter . . .” Ava explains. “Seriously, Mom I know you’re in there. I can hear you.”

  Damn it. I can’t believe I got so carried away. I shift my dress so its back in the right place and she knocks on the window again, which causes me to jump.

  “Jesus!”

  Instead of Milo trying to fix his shirt, hair, or anything else that got messed up, he leans over me, pressing the window down.

  “Can we help you?”

  Ava grins and looks at me. “Thought it wasn’t a date? And your lipstick is totally ruined.”

  When I was a teenager, I never got caught making out with my boyfriend. As a grown adult, I get busted by my teenager. Oh, the irony.

  “Go inside,” I say.

  “Your hair is all jacked up.”

  “Enough,” I give her my best mom voice. “Inside.”

  She laughs. “This is great.” Then the child does something I might actually beat her for. She grabs her phone, takes a photo, and then runs inside. “Hashtag, busted!”

  “Ava! Get back here!” I yell as she closes the door. “Oh my God! What was I thinking? What the hell was I thinking?”

  I lean back and tears begin to form. I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have kissed him. I’m an idiot. Milo works for me and he’s trying to take my damn job. Seeing him any other way is stupid. This could be what he wants.

  “Danielle,” he says my name, but I can’t look at him. “It’s fine.”

  “No, it’s not fine. I have to go. I never should’ve been here with you. I’m a total idiot. Why did I kiss you? Why did I let myself think this . . .?” I trail off and get out of the car. My heart is racing as the consequences of my error catch up to me. I kissed him. In front of my house where my freaking daughter saw.

  Clearly, I wasn’t thinking. I was being so selfish and I didn’t take any of the reality like my kids, my job, my life into account. I just wanted his stupid, perfect lips.

  The cool night air hits me and I start to walk, but these fucking shoes hate me and I sink into the grass, and fall.

  As if this night could get any worse.

  “Really?” I say looking toward the sky. “Really?”

  I start to get back up, but Milo’s hands are already on my waist helping me.

  “Stop,” I say pushing him away. “I don’t need help. I’m fine and you need to go.”

  “Are you serious right now?”

  “Do I look like I’m joking?”

  I get to my feet, slip the stupid shoes off and trudge barefoot toward my door. I can’t believe I let myself slip like this. I was so caught up in being conflicted that I let my stupid emotions get the better of me. I wanted him so much. I wanted to be wanted more than anything and for all I know this was a game to get me to let him in.

  How easily I caved.

  “What the hell is going on?” Milo asks as he grabs my arm, stopping me from climbing the steps to my house.

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?”

  I try to pull my arm back, but he won’t let go. “This was a mistake.”

  “A mistake?” he asks.

  “What are you, a parrot? Yes. This. Whatever that was.” I point with my shoes to the car. “Can’t and won’t ever happen. I don’t know what this is that you’re doing, but I’m not playing around. I have other people to think about and I can’t lose my job because you�
�re getting me to . . . whatever your plan is . . . won’t work.”

  His hand drops. “You think that’s what I was doing? Playing some silly game with you?”

  My chest tightens when I see the hurt flash in his eyes. “Yes! I know what you want and the fact that you could play on my emotions to get me to be so dumb is low. I need to go inside.”

  Pulling away, I suddenly feel stupider than I did before. I’m emotional and a sense of guilt is hanging over me.

  I know Peter’s gone. I know I’m single, but all I could think about when Milo was touching me was how much better his lips felt.

  How Peter was never possessive.

  How Peter didn’t kiss me that way.

  How Milo was different and I liked it.

  God, I’m a horrible person.

  “Do you really think I’m pretending? Did you not sense the way I wanted you all night and even the days leading up to it? Do you think I make it a point to support people I barely know the way I’ve tried to do with you? If this was a game, as you so say, why would I help you? Wouldn’t I let you fall and laugh at the outcome?”

  “I don’t know what to think, but I’m not a child who can go around making out with employees!”

  He laughs. “Please, that was hardly making out. We’re grown-ups, blowing off steam and clearly you’re attracted to me, not that I blame you.”

  “You arrogant asshole. You were coming onto me all night.”

  “Was I? I was rather busy with Kandi if you recall.”

  “Wow, I was right about you. We’re all pawns in your little chess game. Here I thought you were a good man, my bad. Won’t make that mistake again. You’ve told me all along who you are. I should’ve listened the first time. You’re exactly what your family says.”

  Milo takes a step closer, his back is straight. I can sense the pain my words just brought him. It was a low blow, but he’s not exactly fighting fair either.

  “I’m not this man, Danielle. Make no mistake, I’m not the good guy you want, but I’m not the villain either. I’m not playing a game to take your job. I kissed you because I wanted you, but clearly I had an error in judgement as you pointed out.”

  Milo’s hurt is gone and has been replaced with anger and disappointment.

  “I didn’t—”

  “You don’t have to say anything else. I think you’ve made yourself rather clear on your feelings about me. I’m sorry you feel that kissing me was such a mistake. I’ll ensure you don’t make the same one twice. Besides, it was just a kiss. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things, does it? Not like we’re ever going to be more once things shake out the way I plan. Goodnight, Danielle.”

  I stand there, watching him walk away, wanting to say so much, but I don’t. If we end things like this, there will be no confusion. He shouldn’t care what I think at this point. He’s already made it clear that he has no desire for any relationship. Whatever this is, it’s insignificant to him. I can’t be that to anyone. If I give the little piece of my heart that’s left and he breaks it, then what?

  I have to think about my kids, their future, and the fact that I need my position.

  He reaches his car and our eyes lock. Then he shakes his head and gets inside. When Milo’s car backs up and I can no longer see the tail lights, a tear falls.

  I’m only fooling myself if I think I don’t care about what just happened. The remaining piece of my heart is already hurting.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Bergen. I have your call sheet along with some files you need to review. Would you like me to leave them here?” Milo asks.

  I’ve been dreading this moment. To the point that I almost called out sick today. That’s how much the idea of seeing him after Saturday night upset me.

  All day Sunday, I thought about calling him. He did nothing wrong and I treated him as though he had. I asked him to kiss me and then pushed him away. Now, I need to apologize and find a way for us to work together.

  “Milo,” I say his name and he looks at me with a hardness I haven’t seen before.

  “Was there anything else you needed?”

  “I think we should talk.”

  He huffs. “There’s no need. I have nothing to say.”

  “Well, I do,” I counter.

  Milo stands against the door with his arms crossed. “Does it pertain to business?”

  “Yes. Come in and take a seat.”

  I can see how much he hates this right now. My being his boss and since he’s so adamant about not talking about anything personal, this is torture for him.

  “Did we get the approval from Darren yet?” I ask. Darren called to explain there was an emergency and he couldn’t meet. Now we’re back to waiting again.

  “No.”

  “Have you reached out to the city to follow up?”

  “Yes.”

  Great, we’re on one-word answers. Time to step it up. “All right, how did the call go?”

  Milo smirks. “Fine.”

  My anger starts to boil. “What did he say?”

  “Nothing.”

  I might kill him. “Are you serious? You’re really going to act like this?”

  “I’m going to be having a long lunch with the owner of Dovetail today to discuss my future with the company.”

  Oh. “Okay then. So you mean to tell me you’re going to have lunch with your brother?” I’m stunned. I don’t know what to say. I knew he was upset with what happened, but Milo has never treated me so coldly.

  “Yes.”

  Seriously, I hate him right now.

  “Are we not going to talk about the other night?”

  Milo looks up from the papers on his lap, his expression stone faced. I’m not going to give in. He’s acting like a child, and I’m trying to be an adult here. It doesn’t have to be this way.

  I wait.

  And wait.

  And Milo doesn’t move.

  With each second that passes, I think of a different way to make his life miserable.

  “Stop already!” I crack.

  “Stop what?”

  “This! This whole ‘I don’t care’ attitude and one-word answers with me. I’m sorry I freaked out okay? I’m still trying to get my shit together and I got scared. I never wanted to hurt your feelings, Milo. Never. You’ve been great and you make me feel things that scare me. I’m trying here, please talk to me. I don’t . . . I want . . . I can’t get hurt again.”

  Milo gets to his feet. “Scared?”

  Ugh. Another one-word reply.

  He moves toward me, around the desk, and stands in front of me. My head tilts back to see him.

  “Scared of what?” Milo asks as he leans down. His hands rest on both sides of my chair and now we’re nose to nose.

  My pulse spikes at his closeness. Why does my traitorous body care about him? I try to slow my breathing, but even I can hear how labored it is.

  “I don’t want to feel these things again,” I whisper. “I don’t want to blur the lines.”

  “I think it might be too late, don’t you? Don’t you think the lines were crossed when my tongue was in your mouth?”

  Why does the thought of that make my stomach clench?

  “No,” I shake my head.

  “Do you really think I’m going to use you to get this job back?”

  I want to say no, but the truth is, I’m not sure. None of this makes much sense to me. Milo has already told me the kind of man he is, but he also has always been honest. He explained that he doesn’t play games, so why am I now not going to take him at his word?

  “I won’t lie to you. I don’t know what to think.”

  His face is close, lips right in front of me, and my throat goes dry. “Don’t think. Feel, sweetheart.”

  I lean in a little closer without giving myself permission to do so. The scent of his cologne, the confidence that he exudes, and the richness in his voice is like a drug. You can’t have just one hit, you want to relapse over and over.

  “We can’t,�
� I whisper.

  “Oh, but we can, and you want to, don’t you?”

  Yes. I want him to kiss me again.

  He tilts his head a little more and right before our lips touch, a noise breaks the moment.

  “Am I . . . interrupting something?” Callum’s voice fills the room. “I can come back if you two were busy.”

  Please let this not be happening. I close my eyes and feel the burn on my cheeks.

  “Perfect timing as always, brother,” Milo laughs as he releases my chair.

  “I was checking if we were still on for lunch? Hello, Danielle,” Callum smirks at me.

  Now I’ve been caught in a compromising position with Milo by both my kid and my boss.

  “Callum, I was . . .”

  “Yes?”

  “I was just . . .”

  “She was about to kiss me, but you ruined it,” Milo finishes.

  Seriously, I want to crawl under my desk and never come out. I don’t know that I’ve ever been this mortified in my life.

  “I was not!” I declare. Maybe I was, but there’s no way I’m admitting it.

  Milo shakes his head. “Right, we were checking each other’s breathing in case I needed CPR. Better?”

  I drop my face in my hands. “Yeah, great.”

  Callum laughs. “I’m not touching this with a ten-foot pole. I’ll be in my office when you’re ready, Milo.”

  I slowly lift my face, praying Callum left.

  “Well, that was rather embarrassing.” Milo grins.

  My stomach roils as I let the mortification take me under. This man makes me crazy and drives me to do stupid things. I need to keep my distance.

  “Did you know he was going to show up?”

  Milo looks at me with a confusion. “How would I know when Callum is going to magically appear?”

  “I don’t know, but . . . ugh! This couldn’t be any worse.”

  He walks toward the door, looks back at me with a grin, and says, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell him about our little kiss the other night. I wouldn’t want you to have any issues with human resources.”

  Fuck my life.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Milo