If I Only Knew

by Corinne Michaels

  A tear streaks down my face. “I love you, Milo. I love you and as much as it’s hurting me to let you go, I know it’s the right thing.”

  “Why can’t we try? Why can’t we see if we can make this work?” he asks.

  I push out a heavy breath. “Because it won’t! It won’t and we’ll end up miserable and in more pain than just letting each other go now.”

  He shakes his head and gets back to pacing the room. “Fuck! My brother knew he was going to ruin us by doing this.”

  I wipe my eyes, trying to stop the immense anguish in my chest. I sit there, imagining how it will be never to touch him again. The fact that I won’t be able to kiss him, see his smile, or feel his warmth. Milo is like the sun, you can’t help but want to be near him.

  The last few weeks have been cold. I’ll feel that from now on.

  Once again, my world will go dim.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Milo

  How do I say goodbye to her?

  I’ve asked myself this question a hundred times in the last twelve hours. Yet here I am, in the back of the car as the driver takes us to the airport.

  Danielle has been quiet since our talk last night. Neither of us slept, almost as though wasting the time, not being entwined, would be stupid.

  We’ve stayed connected in some way all night. Either my hand on hers or hers on mine.

  “Are you going to be all right?” I ask her again.

  She tries to smile but there are tears pooling in her eyes. “I’ve been through this before, I’ll survive.”

  I don’t know that I will.

  If this was simply about a job, I would tell Callum to shove it up his arse. My mother is the variable no one could’ve predicted. Someone needs to care for her and it only makes sense that it’s me. The job just happened because of the circumstances.

  I’ve tried every possible way around this and can’t come up with anything. She refuses to leave London, and therefore I have to go to her.

  I take our entwined hands and bring them to my lips. “I hope you know that I love you.”

  Her head rests on my arm. “I love you too. Wouldn’t it be great if that was enough? If all of this wasn’t happening and instead of going to the airport to say goodbye, it was to go on a trip?”

  “Yes, it would.”

  “If only love could move continents together,” Danielle says wistfully.

  If only . . .

  We pull into the airport parking and the tension thickens. Fucking hell, I’m not even out of the car and I want to go back.

  I have to do what I can to make this easier on her, though. There’s no other option. Danielle has to sit alone on the way back, and I have no idea how she’ll be. Will she be sad and crying? Will she stay strong and break down later? Or will she hold it together the entire time?

  The driver parks and I want any time I can have. “Come in with me?”

  She looks at the driver and then back to me. “I don’t know.”

  “Please,” I beseech her. “I want to delay this as much as possible.”

  Danielle tucks her hair behind her ear and tries to hide the fact that she wiped a tear. Fuck. This is wrong. Everything about this feels wrong and I know I’m making a mistake.

  Then I think about telling my Mum that I’m not coming back.

  I imagine her being alone in London, no one to make sure she’s okay. If it was myself or Cal who were sick, she would never abandon us. I’ve gone over this in my head, and I know there is the selfish choice and then the right one.

  I extend my hand to Danielle, asking her to take it and give me even five more minutes.

  “Okay,” she says while placing her hand in mine.

  I instruct the driver to wait as long as it takes and bill Callum for the extra time. We exit the car in silence and as soon as I’m close enough, I take her hand again.

  Danielle stays quiet as we go through the check-in process and then find a bench before going to security.

  I don’t need to say a word because anyone can see how much pain we’re both in. She lays her head on my shoulder and sniffs. “I swore I wasn’t going to cry,” she confesses.

  Each one of her tears breaks me a little deeper. I shift so she sits up and I can see her blue eyes. “If you asked me to stay, I wouldn’t be strong enough to walk away. If it weren’t for my Mum, I was planning to quit my job and figure it out. For you, I would’ve given it all up.”

  Her lip trembles. “I can’t ask you to do that. Not because I don’t love you enough to want it, but because you have to go where you’re needed.”

  And that’s the worst part of all of this. If it was up to us, we would be in bed and not here. I’ve never seemed to get what I wanted in life. This is no different. I’m going to lay it all out there, though. I’m going to make sure that Danielle knows how I feel about her and us.

  “As soon as she’s better, I’m coming for you,” I vow, “I know you think time will pass and my feelings for you will diminish, but hear this . . . they won’t. I will love you no matter how many miles are between us.”

  “Don’t say this,” she pleads. “Just tell me you’ll forget about me. Tell me this was the worst idea you ever had.” Tears fall down her cheeks and I take her face in my hands. “Tell me you never loved me, please.”

  I shake my head. “I won’t lie to you.”

  She lets out a soft sob and I pull her to my chest. I feel her cry harder and I hate everyone and everything right now, my Mum, Callum, my entire fucking life. I find happiness only to have to walk away from it.

  I rub her back and she starts to calm herself. Danielle lifts her head, wipes her face and takes a few deep breaths. “Damn it. I swear, I was going to be strong and let you walk away.”

  My alarm starts, letting me know I have to go and the pain I have is amplified. “It’s time.”

  She wipes her hands on her pants and then balls her fists. “Okay.”

  We begin to walk toward the security area and her arms go around my middle. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “This isn’t the end.”

  Her lips form a small smile. “You’re going to be an amazing VP. I’m really proud of you.”

  We stand at the entrance of the line, and I take both her hands. “I left something for Parker and Ava at the house, will you be sure they get it?”

  She nods. “Of course.”

  “And I left you something too.”

  “Yeah?”

  “My heart. It’s yours.”

  Her tears form again, and I watch her struggle to stop them from spilling over. “You have mine too.”

  “I love you Danielle Bergen.”

  “I love you Milo Huxley.”

  I bring our lips together, pulling her tight to my chest. When we break apart, our foreheads touch and we stay like that for a heartbeat. “I have to go.”

  Her hand touches my chest, right over my heart, and I wonder if she can feel the pain through our skin. “Will you let me know you’re okay?”

  It’s funny she thinks I’m going to get on that plane and never speak to her again. I wasn’t kidding when I said I wasn’t letting her go. The soonest I can get back here to her, I will. Losing Danielle isn’t an option. Somehow, someday, I’ll be with her.

  There’s no doubting that.

  “This isn’t the end,” I tell her again. “I’ll be with you soon.”

  She kisses me and then steps back. “I’ll be hoping that’s true.”

  “Believe me.”

  Danielle takes another step back but our hands are still connected. “You have to go.”

  I nod. There are no words adequate because I refuse to say goodbye. That word is too final, painful, and a lie. I won’t let this be the ending on our story.

  I don’t know how to rewrite it, but I must.

  Our fingers start to slip as we move apart.

  “Soon,” I say.

  “Soon,” Danielle repeats.

  We take another step b
ack and then our fingers disconnect.

  Now I know what heartbreak feels like.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Danielle

  “Mom?” Ava’s voice is tender as she touches my back.

  It’s been two hours since I got home. He’s on a plane heading to London right now. Each mile that the plane travels is a reminder that we’re never going to be together again.

  I know he thinks different, and I love that he’s so adamant, but I won’t keep hope alive only to be left broken. This is hard enough. False hope will only prolong my devastation.

  “I’m okay,” I tell Ava.

  “No, you’re not.”

  No, I’m not. I’m in pain. I miss him and don’t know when I fell this deeply in love with him, but I did.

  “I will be.”

  “Can I get you something?” she asks.

  I must really be a hot mess if my daughter is being this nice.

  “Is Parker okay?”

  “Yes, he’s watching T.V. and I’m letting him have a superhero movie marathon.” She smiles.

  I sit up and pull a deep breath through my nose. I need to show her how to handle heartbreak with grace, and this isn’t it. My hand touches her leg. “Thank you, sweetheart. Sometimes you just need a good cry so you can pick yourself up and move on.”

  “You don’t have to be strong in front of me.”

  I laugh softly. “That’s exactly what I have to be. As much as it hurts, and it will hurt more, I’ll survive. I can’t fall apart, because life is filled with disappointment. Milo and I had this . . . special time that no one can take away from us. He made me happy.” I smile thinking about him. “He gave me back the hope to love again.”

  “Why did you let him go?” she asks.

  It’s so complicated in some ways and in other ways it’s not. “When you truly love another person, their happiness is what you care most about. Doing what’s right for them even if it causes you pain is the sacrifice you’ll make. I loved Milo enough to know that him going to London, even though it meant I would lose him, is what he had to do.”

  Ava scoots closer to me, resting her head against mine. “That’s so sad, Mom.”

  “Yeah, but it’s beautiful too.”

  “How did Milo sacrifice for you?”

  My chest aches as a fresh wave of sadness crashes against me. “He offered to stay. He was willing to sacrifice his family, job, and life to be here. All I had to do was ask him.”

  Ava wraps her arms around my middle and holds me tight. I hear her sniffle and I embrace her. “Don’t cry, Ava.”

  “Who the hell wants to fall in love if this is what happens?”

  I’d like to know that as well. Then I think about the times we shared. The kisses, the dates, the nights where I felt as though I was floating. I remember how he looked at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, or the way he looked at my children. All of that would’ve been lost, and that would’ve been the saddest thing.

  “Look at the whole thing,” I tell her. “I would rather have had a few days of loving Milo than never knowing that warmth.”

  “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  I chuckle and sit up. “Yeah, it is. Come on, let’s go watch superheroes and snuggle your brother.”

  Ava snorts. “I already told him no Thor.”

  I kiss her cheek. “Good call.”

  Who knew that Milo would also have brought my daughter back to me? No, loving him was never a mistake. It was a gift. One that I’ll cherish always.

  “I’m still not speaking to Callum,” Nicole tells me. “Not even when he’s trying to get me to touch him.”

  “Why? It’s not his fault.” I ignore the last part of her tirade.

  It’s been five days since Milo left. He’s called me each day as he promised, and refuses to allow me to believe it’s over. Two days ago, he was officially named Vice President of Dovetail Enterprises.

  “The fuck it’s not. He could’ve found another replacement.” I love the whole solidarity in sisterhood thing, but it’s not Callum’s fault. It was the situation, and Milo should be the Vice President. He’s a Huxley who helped build this company.

  “And you think Milo and Callum would’ve ever found a way to talk again? You think that if Callum named another random cousin that things would’ve been better? How does that make sense? He had to name his brother, and Milo had to make the choice. But more than that, Nicole, were you willing to sell your company and move to London to care for his mother?”

  That’s the part that baffles me about her argument. She was never going to England. She has her life here, just the same as I do.

  “That’s irrelevant. You and Milo were happy and in love. He could’ve flown her crotchety ass here, but she refused, and they can’t physically force a woman with cancer to come to America.”

  “And you want her close to you?” I ask, knowing how she feels about his mother.

  “Fuck no, but at least you’d be happy!”

  I smile and pull her in for a hug. “You love me.”

  “Don’t remind me.”

  “You do.” I grin. “You do because you’d rather be miserable instead of me.”

  “Shut up.”

  “I see your feelings coming through.”

  “Danni, shut your face before I remove my earrings,” Nicole warns.

  She’s crazy, but it’s sweet that she would take on an unwanted mother-in-law for me. Nicole hates mothers. All mothers. Her mother, her mother-in-law, the fact that she is a mother. It’s actually pretty funny. I wish moving Mrs. Huxley closer was an option, but Milo’s mother absolutely refused to come here, and you can’t force a sick old woman to move against her will.

  “Milo and I just weren’t meant to be,” I say as I flop on her very expensive couch.

  “The fuck you’re not.”

  “You know, Colin’s first word is going to be fuck or some other curse word if you don’t curb it.”

  “I hope it fucking is,” Nicole laughs. “Then I’ll know it’s my kid.”

  “Was there a question as to the validity that Colin came from your vagina?” I ask, slightly wary of her answer.

  “No, but . . . you know what I mean. Look, back to what matters. Callum is never getting a blowie again and I’m going to be sexless, which means I’ll be extra bitchy, until he fixes your heart.”

  This is why every woman should have a squad like mine. Heather is the rational one who keeps us in check. Kristin is the mother hen who always makes sure we’re okay. And then there’s Nicole, the nut job who, when your heart is broken, will scoop the pieces up and make you laugh again. She reminds you that life is okay, and if it’s not, she’ll destroy anyone who hurt you.

  “You know, in our squad of friends, Ava is the most like you,” I tell her.

  “Me?”

  “Yeah, she’s the lunatic who is a bit of a loose cannon, but when she fires, she strikes the target.”

  Nicole nudges me. “I’m your favorite. You can say it.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Say it,” she pushes.

  “No, you’re not my favorite. You’re like, bottom rung on the ladder.”

  She snorts. “Liar.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Can I ask you something?” Nicole questions out of nowhere.

  “Umm, if I said no would it stop you?”

  Her lips tip up. “Nope.”

  “Didn’t think so.”

  She takes a few seconds, which is unlike her, and then holds my hand in hers. “Okay, why didn’t you follow him to London?”

  My head jerks back. “What?”

  “Milo, why didn’t you go with him?”

  Nicole watches me and waits. I sit here, stunned by the question because it’s obvious. I’m confused as to why she thinks I would go—or that I could, for that matter. I have a life here. My family, friends, kids are settled in schools, and I have a great job.

  “Because . . . you know why!”


  She shakes her head. “All the reasons you probably listed in your head are shit and you know it. Your parents tour Europe more than they’re in Tampa. You can’t tell me Parker and Ava wouldn’t move because . . . they’re kids and you make them.”

  I sit here, ticking off her counter to each point I had and hate her a little for it.

  “Not the point—” I try to say but she cuts me off.

  “Your job is the same damn job in England so don’t go there. Also, you’d be dating the VP, so, again, shut up. Your house? Sell it. Peter is gone, and you found love with Milo. I’m not saying that it’s easy or perfect, but there is not one single reason you have to be apart. It’s a choice.”

  “What about you guys? You didn’t factor all of us.”

  “That is the stupidest one of all. Our family isn’t defined by location.” She touches my face. “It’s in our hearts, and we’re only a plane ride or a FaceTime visit away. But your heart is in England, my friend. What are you going to do about it?”

  I sit here, feeling a million things, but the one that keeps rising to the surface is longing.

  I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to act on it.

  “Act on what?” Callum enters the room.

  “The fact that you’re an asshole who sent your brother to London, leaving my best friend broken hearted.” Nicole crosses her legs and arms, staring at him with disdain.

  Sometimes, I’m really happy Nicole is on my side. She’s a little scary.

  “I didn’t send my brother away to hurt anyone,” he sighs. “I hate that you’re hurting. I hate that he’s miserable. He’s my brother and I love the bastard, but it was an impossible situation,” Callum defends.

  “Why wasn’t Milo always your Vice President? Why offer him the job now?” I ask.

  Callum sits beside Nicole, who gives the word frigid a whole new meaning. “Milo took off, no notice, just left for a month to go spend time in France. Then, another time he decided to rent a yacht for two weeks during the company’s end of year review. Let’s not forget the last time when we had no idea where he was when he found out I was going to move to America, and my wedding.” He touches Nicole’s hand and she doesn’t move. “Milo hasn’t been a consistent contributing member of this company until he came on as your assistant, Danielle. There was no way I could hand him the London office when there was no trust. But he’s changed, and I thank you for giving him whatever he was lacking.”