I'm grinning so hard my cheeks hurt. "Your age is showing, James."
James just shakes his head and grins. "Okay. Hold my hand and we'll go slow."
He helps me on the slope, giving me instructions and thankfully not getting impatient with me. By mid-afternoon, I have it down for the most part, only my stomach is so sore from using muscles that never see action beyond the bedroom. My cheeks are a little chapped, but the cool, icy air is breathtaking, and I want to stay outside and just take in the beauty of it all. I hope one day I’ll be able to do something like this again. I love the snow, but there's something about the mountains and trees that captivate me. They're inspiring, like a peace settles in my chest and all will be right because I've found my focus.
Much to my surprise, James can navigate the slope better than I expected. I sit at the top of the hill and watch him glide over the powdery snow like a pro. Well, a pro to me. He's smooth, and I can't take my eyes off him. After a couple of rounds, he comes to sit next to me.
"What are you thinking about?" he asks, a little breathless. He removes his goggles and there's a red outline around his eyes.
"How incredible the world is and that I hope to get to see it all one day."
"What's stopping you?" he asks, scooting closer to me.
I shrug, looking at him. "I don't know. School? Life? Work? Responsibilities? What holds anyone back from doing what they want?"
"Don't take this the wrong way, but between the money you've made at Sanctuary Cove and our deal, you can do it. You can go anywhere in the world you want."
I'm not offended, so I give him a small smile to show that. "I'm going to use that money to start my foundation and buy my grammy a house. I just have to figure out a way to do it without her questioning me, though."
James watches me. "This foundation is something you really want to do?"
I nod. "Yes. I can't ignore the feeling in my stomach that's saying to do it. Like it's a calling. There's so many homeless in New York, and considering I was almost homeless once, I know what it's like to hold that fear and panic close to my chest. When we're going to eat next, if we'll have heat in the winter. If I can help at least five people, it will be worth it."
"What if you traveled before you started it? That way you get the best of both worlds."
I glance down at the snow. I'd love to travel first, but for some reason I feel guilty just thinking about that. I look back at James.
"Do you think it's stupid? Honestly. Tell me the truth. Do you think I should continue my education?"
He runs his hands through his hair and shakes his head. "I'll always be one for continuing education, but starting a foundation is not a stupid idea. Not one bit. If it's what you desire, who the fuck am I to tell you no? I think it's a fantastic idea. You're going to have to jump through some hoops to start one, but the money I gave you can be written in the form of a gift, so it shows you have some sort of income. My family, though not nearly as important as Katherine's, was always donating and supporting charities. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but my family always gave back to the less fortunate, which is why I do so now twice a year. I don't have to continue it since they're long gone, but I like to. Good deeds bring more good deeds."
"It's going to be a lot of work," I say quietly, realizing that I've settled my mind on it. My gaze moves across the tops of the mountains.
"You're not unfamiliar with working hard for what you want. The struggle is nothing new to you."
I laugh and huff at the same time. "It's not, that's for sure."
* * *
After skiing, we sat in a hot tub that overlooked the slopes, then James took me out. We sat side by side in a dark booth trying to come up with names for my foundation while we ate an exquisite dinner. Once we arrived back at his cabin, James used one of his ties to blindfold me. I gave him the best blowie of his life, then he spanked me with his belt. There's something about giving an amazing blowjob that brings a man to his knees that just gets to me. I had James in the palm of my hands until I told him to manhandle the fuck out of me, and I fell into that deliriously high level of pain and ecstasy.
“Would you like another glass?” James asks, standing up.
He walks around the couch and I look down at my empty tumbler. "You know you don't have to get me drunk to take advantage of me."
He leans over the sofa and gives me a big kiss. My hand finds the back of his head and I hold him to me. His lips move down the column of my neck and my nipples harden in response. I breathe in through my nose, drawing him in.
"You’re insatiable," I say, giggling.
He pulls back and smirks. "Me? What about you?"
"Sex is addicting when it's done right." I smile up lazily. "I'm not denying it."
As James pours us both another glass of his tawny drink, I get up and lay the blankets and pillows in front of the fire. We're still naked, but neither of us are shy about it, so I lie in front of the flickering fire and place my hands under my head, watching the flames lick each other. The heat is heaven and I feel myself warming. James walks over and I take in his body. His tattoos come alive against the firelight—captivating, moving—and I can't tear my eyes from him. The colors are moody, like they're speaking, and I love it. His art is something to appreciate.
James places our crystal tumblers on the floor next to me and drops to his knees, spreading my legs. They fall willingly and in seconds his mouth is on my pussy. My back bows and I moan, my hands threading through his hair.
"Baby, I need you in me," I tell him through clenched teeth. "I'm already so close and I want you to come with me."
James climbs up my body and thrusts inside me, filling me. I feel like I should be adjusted to his size by now, but I'm not. I'm a little tender and it's tight, but I take all of him anyway as our moans and sighs create a sinful melody while his hands leave an imprint on my heart. It doesn't take us long before we fall over the edge, him coming inside me.
Kissing me, he pulls out and rolls to the side, taking me with him. Warmth seeps from me, sticking to my thighs, but I can't be bothered to clean up when James is playing with my hair. I'm drawing lazy circles on his chest, noting that something seems off with him. I can feel how tense his body is against mine when it shouldn't be. I look up and rest my chin on his chest only to see him staring at the ceiling and frowning.
"What are you thinking about, baby?" I ask, my voice soft.
Lifting his head, he looks into my eyes. "That I finally have a reason to leave my wife."
Fifty
I finally have a reason to leave my wife.
I can't get those words out of my head. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I fold my arms and drop my head to the desk of the cubby I'm sitting at in the library. Exhaustion hits me hard. I'm so tired from the stress that comes with a lie this heavy. I can barely eat, and nighttime is the worst because my mind is running. My chest feels tight, like I’m at the beginning of a panic attack, so I rub the pain away and take deep, slow breaths.
The best plan of attack I could come up with to quell the babble and anxiety was to lose myself in clients from Sanctuary Cove, booking myself every night to avoid seeing Natalie. It's the last thing I want to do, but in some strange way, it helps remind me of what I am—a prostitute and nothing more. By the time I get home, Nat’s either sleeping or working. I'm out of the apartment before the sun rises, going to a coffee shop to study, and when she sends me a text, I don't respond immediately.
I can't get James out of my head. It's like he's tattooed himself under my skin and I'm trying to hide it from Natalie, knowing she’d read the truth on my face if she saw me.
This life sucks. I want him. I need him. I miss him.
I can't have him.
Glancing at the time on my phone, I stand to gather my books. I so desperately want to skip class today just to sleep, but I know I'd only regret it. I step outside and make my way toward the grouping of school buil
dings when my phone rings.
My heart flutters at the sight of Blocked Caller and I'm quick to answer.
"I was just thinking about you," I say, smiling into the phone.
"I miss you," James says. I love the early morning roughness in his voice.
I chuckle lightly. "How? You just saw me a few days ago."
"That wasn't enough. I need to see you every day."
I shake my head as if he's standing right in front of me. "You're terrible."
"When can I see you again?"
I bite the side of my lip. "You make the rules, not me."
A long stretch of silence, then, "Aubrey."
One word, my name, and it's enough to cause me to stop walking. It was a bullshit comment to make and we both know it.
"I'm trying, James," I say honestly, my voice a little shaky. "I'm just having a week where the guilt is eating away at me more than usual. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I'm avoiding everything like the plague and trying to stay busy. I'm tempted to come clean with Natalie, but I know deep down it won't go the way I hope it will in my head. And, well, I just miss you."
Tears sting eyes. I'm talking a mile a minute and I'm on the verge of a breakdown. What's wrong with me?
"Sweetheart, it kills me to hear you like this. Do you have plans later?"
Swallowing, I shake my head and keep walking. "I don't know… I was going to try and sleep after class, to be honest."
"I’m going to text you an address and time within the hour for you to get a deep tissue massage. Go to the appointment. It'll help loosen you up a little."
I hold the phone tight to my ear. I've never had a massage before.
"You don't have to do that."
"I know I don't have to do anything. I want to."
"That's really sweet of you," I say softly.
I hear someone knock on his door through the phone. "Come in," he says, holding the away from his mouth. "Yeah, I got the case file right here," he says to whoever’s it is. "I gotta go. I'll talk to you later?"
"Yeah," I whisper. "Later."
Only later, I don't make it to the massage. I don't make it to the rest of my afternoon classes. I drop everything when a seven-one-eight number calls to inform me that my grammy is in the hospital. I silenced the number since I was in class, then stepped out to listen to the voice mail. I left immediately.
"Grammy, you're sitting here with machines making noise and an oxygen mask over your face, you look terrible, and your only concern is your cats?"
If I didn't love her so much I would yell at her. The only concern she should have is getting healthy. When the hospital called to tell me she was brought in after the neighbor below her in the basement rental heard a loud thump and went to check on her, I almost broke down. Having bronchitis is no joke, but at her age, it worries me even more. There's a grayish sheen to her skin and circles under her eyes that once held a little spark but is now missing.
"Aubrey! I'm all they have! If I don't come home they'll go into a frenzy."
"They're cats. They only worry about when their next meal is coming," I say deadpan.
She looks truly upset and hurt, so I offer a solution I really hate but know I’ll suffer through, because she's Grammy.
"What if I pick up all your little fur balls and take them to my place? I'll probably need to borrow your car, if you're okay with that. I'll park it in the city somewhere but at least they'll have me."
Her eyes soften. "You'd do that for me?"
"I'd do anything for you. Of course."
"Natalie won't mind?"
"Nah, I doubt it. Do you know when you're getting out?"
"I told them I'm fine and don't need to be here, but you know how hospitals are. They want to test everything just to run up the insurance."
I'm not amused. "Grammy, you collapsed. You definitely need to be here and have tests run."
"Honey, I have a bruise on my foot and they want to X-ray it." She uses her hand to wave where the light bruise is, obviously aggravated. "All that happened was that I tripped because one of my cats was in my path and I didn’t want to step on her. That's where the bruise came from. It's not like I can't walk. They're making a big deal out of nothing."
I concede. I'm not going to argue with her, not when she's trying to hide the slight shake in her hand or the way her shoulders lift to catch her breath. Standing up, I shuffle through her purse for her keys. She gives me a rundown of how much her cats eat and how often, and what toys they like. I just nod and listen, then lean down to give her a kiss on her head. I want her to rest and if something as simple as taking care of her cats makes her happy, I'm going to do it the way she likes.
"I'll be back tomorrow to check on you after class." We both know she won't be out tomorrow either, not until the infection clears up at least. I just worry with her being here and already sick that she could catch something else.
"I don't need a babysitter. I'll be fine." She coughs.
"Love you, Grams."
"Love you too. And, Aubrey?"
I turn around to look at her. Our eyes meet. There's something in her gaze that makes my stomach stiffen.
"Thank you."
I linger at the door, my heart not wanting to say goodbye. Smiling, I blow her a kiss and leave. As I'm leaving the hospital, I take out my cell phone to see a slew of missed calls from James. I know he's wondering why I didn't go to the appointment. I'm sure he's worried, especially since I keep missing his calls, but right now I have too much on my plate, so I put my phone away.
Who knew cats needed so much shit? I'm sneezing like crazy and my eyes are watering. It took a stupid number of hours to make sure I had everything, then forever to trick the cats into their crates. The last thing I need is for one of them to attack me while I'm driving, which given my luck lately would totally happen.
As I sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I'm reminded why I don't have a car while living in the city. It's beyond aggravating and I'm antsy wishing these morons knew how to drive. I reach for my phone and dial up Natalie.
She picks up on the first ring and I sigh in relief.
"The caller you've reached is unavailable. Please try again later." She hangs up.
I call again.
"Please leave a message at the tone. Beeeep." And she hangs up again.
If she wants to play like that, I'll just text her instead.
Me: Felicia
Nat: Felicia isn't here at the moment, but if you leave a message at the beep, she'll text you back. BEEEEP!
I'm seriously going to slap her now. Still, I play along since I know why she's acting like this.
Me: Felicia answer your text. I know you're there. Feliciaaaa! Wow this is how it's gonna be? Ok FINE just send me a text when you get "back."
Nat: If you would like to leave a callback number, please do so at the end of this message.
Me: 212-fuck-you
Nat: I'm sorry. That is not a valid number. Please try again later. Thank you.
Me: 212-fuc-kyou
Nat: Your message has been recorded. Thank you.
She's upset with me, so I don't get angry with her. I've been dodging her all week. I deserve it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. A few minutes later, she calls me.
"Hey," I say.
"I'm going to put out an ad for a new bestie, because this week, you've totally sucked."
I look at the row of taxis in front of me and stare. "I know. I'm sorry. Things were just busy with school and work."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up?"
I give her a quick rundown about what happened with Grammy.
"Ram Jam!" Her tone is so apologetic that it kills me. "You should've said that in your text! Now I feel like shit."
"No, don't," I say, moving a few feet but missing the next light. "I know I've been MIA and I'm sorry."
"I was just giving you a hard time on purpose. Whatever you need, I'm your girl."
I chuckle lightly. "I'm going to need to double park
to unload the car. Can you wait by the curb with this stuff while I find a garage to park in and then we'll bring it up?"
"I'm already walking downstairs. But just so you know, I highly doubt someone is going to swipe four cats and a scratch tower taller than your fucking Jolly Green Giant ass as they walk by."
I smile sadly. "Thank you."
"I'm gonna have to hit the weed pen and get wine drunk if I'm going to live with more pussy."
"You and me both," I say, laughing.
Fifty-One
"Hey," I say, my voice groggy.
"Where've you been? What's going on? Why are you ignoring me?"
I can tell James is both angry and worried, with good reason. I know I should've answered one of his many calls last night, but instead, I put my phone on silent and set up the cats, then I had a large glass of wine with Natalie.
"I'm sorry. I had a family emergency." I yawn, not wanting to get out of bed just yet. Thank God tomorrow is the weekend. I'm so mentally and physically exhausted that I just want to sleep, but I don't know how I'll get any rest with Grammy on my mind and seeing Daniel later.
"Is everything okay?"
I hesitate. I want to tell James what happened, but I feel like if I do, that opens another door for us and I'm not sure that's a good idea. Yet, the urge to lean on him for support is strong. I want to tell him, and I want him to tell me everything is going to be okay.
"Everything is fine. I just got tied up yesterday."
"I was worried about you," he says. I can't help but wish he was here holding me.
"I'm okay." My voice is quiet. "Sorry for worrying you."
"Do you want me to reschedule your appointment?"
"Yeah, but I'll let you know when. I can't do it right now. I have too much on my plate."
"What can I do to help you? Name it."
Hush, Hush Page 31
