by A. Zavarelli
“That is all you ever had to say, my sweet.”
I reach for her hand and place it on my chest. Over the very star tattoo that makes me who I am. I hope she will understand that by swearing on it, my words mean everything. My honor. My loyalty.
She has it.
“Do you feel that?” I ask her.
My heart beats beneath her palm, my chest expanding with every breath. She feels it like a child, with soft fingers that flutter over my skin in the same rhythm.
“Yes,” she answers.
“As long as there is breath in me, as long as my heart beats, I will protect you, Solnyshko. You will remain by my side for all the days of my life. And even after my death, you will have others watching out for you. This, I can assure you.”
She blinks up at me with worried eyes. “You can’t die.”
I don’t argue with her. She does not yet understand the Vory way. That these words are my promise to her. That death is not something to fear, but to be honored.
She fears losing me.
And right now, nothing else matters. I know there is only one thing to do. Now that she has confirmed it. I know what must be done.
But first, I must repent my sins. I must make her forgive me for the things I always said I wouldn’t do. That I would never be like my father. The way I was with her that night.
I failed her.
She is right. I promised to protect her. And instead, I have shamed her. And left her vulnerable while I was blinded by my anger.
“I will never allow that to happen again,” I assure her as my lips meet hers. “I am sorry, Solnyshko. I am sorry that I failed you.”
She cups my face in her palms and kisses me. Hungry. Needy. Just as I am for her.
I roll her onto her back and quickly dispose of her clothing. Leaving her naked and exposed and vulnerable only to me. The way that she should be.
I kiss my way down her body, murmuring my apologies as I go.
“You should be worshipped every day,” I tell her. “And I am sorry that you have not been.”
When I reach the apex of her thighs, she opens for me without being asked. My woman is shy and sad and sometimes broken, but she is open for me. Still willing to give me a chance. I thank her, and then I bury my face between her legs. Eating her out. Tasting her. Fucking her with my tongue and grinding her hips onto my face.
“Today you will come just like this,” I tell her. “Give in to me, my angel. Allow me to pleasure you without any pain.”
I know I don’t deserve to ask this of her right now, but I want this of her right now. And she gives in to me, just as I ask. She relaxes and simply feels, for once. Without any shame. When she comes, it is cathartic for both of us. The pleasure she needed that I was able to give to her. And then her eyes are on me. Pleading at the same time her mouth does.
“I want you, Lyoshka.”
Those words are exactly what I need from her. And it should bother me that she knows that. That she has seen this part of me. But when I bury my cock deep inside of her, it doesn’t bother me at all.
She is so wet for me. So pliable to me. She allows me to take her as I please. To suck on her throat and wrap her legs around me and let me all the way in.
I like that. I like it very much.
But I want even more from her.
I pick her up and adjust our position so that we are both sitting upright. She is in my lap. On my cock. Taking me as deep as it will go. Her hands are on my shoulders, and then in my hair as I watch her. Fucking her face to face. So close I won’t miss any of her expressions. Her sighs or the flutter of her lashes.
“Let me hear your voice,” I tell her.
She pulls me closer, her lips finding my ear. Her teeth grazing it as her hot breath hardens my cock to the point of unbearable pain.
“I want you,” she tells me again. “I want you too much, Alexei.”
“Lyoshka,” I grunt. “That is what you call me.”
“Lyoshka,” she murmurs into my ear. “You have the power to destroy me.”
“I won’t,” I assure her, but I know it is a lie.
She doesn’t argue. She kisses my throat and I fuck her hard and deep. Her body contracting around mine. Sucking me in and squeezing my cock.
It is too much. And I come inside of her, thinking about her pregnant with my child. I want to start a family with her. And I am impatient with that desire.
I won’t admit the reasons why. To myself or to her.
“Come.” I lay her down and position my body beside hers, patting my chest. “Lay with me.”
She curls into my side and rests her face against the place where my heart beats. Her finger tapping out the rhythm on my skin. My other arm curls around her body and I kiss her forehead.
“You will sleep in my bed from now on, Solynshko. My wife should be in my bed every night.”
33
TALIA
I AM WOKEN by Alexei’s arm wrapping around my waist as he slips his cock inside of me from behind.
He takes me twice this morning. Kissing my throat and murmuring things in Russian. And once he is sated, he leaves me in bed to rest while he showers.
Magda pokes her head in the door, and when she sees me in his bed, a smile lights up her face.
“Miss Talia,” she says. “I was looking for you.”
She seems happy. And I feel uncomfortable. There is hope in her eyes. So much hope.
“I have breakfast for you. Would you like to take it in here?”
My eyes move around the room, filled with Alexei’s things. It still feels too unfamiliar, so I shake my head.
“In my room is fine.”
She nods and disappears down the hall, just as Alexei re-enters with a towel wrapped around his waist. There are still droplets of water on his skin and hair as he turns and rifles through his closet. I watch the muscles of his back expand and admire his frame.
Beautiful. Strong. Solid.
When he turns, he catches me looking. It does not seem to faze him as he removes his towel and reveals his plump cock, hanging heavy down his leg.
He is pure male.
It makes me curious all over again. Why he is with me. He could have any woman he wanted. But he does not act that way. There is nothing arrogant about him.
He is simply a force of calm. A flash of pale blue in the otherwise dark and tumultuous storm of my life.
I watch him put on his briefs, the muscles of his thighs contracting as he snaps the waist band into place.
“Tell me what you are thinking,” he says.
“I was wondering why you didn’t marry Katya.”
My question makes his brows draw together. I expect evasion. But I don’t receive it.
“She slept with my brother,” is his honest reply.
“Nikolai.”
The jerk of his chin is his answer.
I digest those words and watch him put on his trousers, followed by another charcoal gray sweater. And then a shoulder holster.
“Nikolai said that she wouldn’t give this up,” I tell him. “That she wouldn’t give you up.”
“She has no choice.” Alexei dismisses the thought with a wave of his hand. “She won’t cause trouble.”
“How can you be sure?”
He meets my gaze, his words carrying a hint of threat as he speaks. “Because she would die if the truth were revealed. You never betray a Vor.”
“Do you think that I would betray you?” I ask. “Is that why you didn’t want me speaking to Nikolai?”
He turns away from me and shrugs into his jacket and flat cap. A sure sign that he is leaving somewhere, which I don’t like.
“I will provide you with a good life, Talia,” he says quietly. “Anything you wish, it will be yours. You will have my children. You will be happy. But you must never betray me.”
And there it is.
He doesn’t trust me. I wonder if he ever will.
I don’t give him my assurances because I know the
y would not do any good. Just as his assurances can only placate my worries for mere moments until the memories come back. Replacing everything present with the poisonous past.
Alexei comes to say goodbye. He sits beside me on the bed, stroking my face in his hands the way he often does. I don’t want him to go.
“What about Sergei?”
This time, my question angers him. And he goes cold, his fingers falling away.
I regret asking.
“What of Sergei?”
“Nikolai said to be careful of him too.”
“Nikolai has a big mouth, and should not be concerning you with these things. He should have come to me.”
“He said you wouldn’t listen.”
“And he was right. Everything he has to say is nonsense, Solnyshko. You have nothing to fear. I said I would protect you. So leave the worrying to me, yes?”
“Okay.”
“I have to go handle some business,” he tells me. “It might take me a couple days. But I want you in my bed when I return.”
“Okay,” I say again.
“Wear something nice for me,” he says, his eyes moving over me as he reaches down to adjust the bulge in his trousers. “Something silk. And black.”
This time, it is me who reaches up to touch his face. I bring my lips to his, and he returns the sentiment by cupping the back of my head and devouring my mouth with his.
When he pulls away, my lips are swollen and aching for him all over again.
“You be a good girl.” He kisses me on the forehead and then moves to the door. “I will return soon.”
Alexei is gone for three days, instead of two.
I used my Mac to order a few silk chemises in his requested color. With overnight shipping, they arrived the next day. But that wasn’t the only thing I ordered.
Magda of course saw the pregnancy tests when she opened the box and inspected the contents before allowing me to have it. And she has already checked in on me three times this morning, her subtlety failing her horribly.
“Everything alright, Miss Talia?” she asks me as I look up from my book.
“I haven’t taken the tests yet, Magda,” I answer.
She frowns. “Maybe you should.”
I know that I should. But I’m scared.
“I will wait with you,” she volunteers. “If that helps.”
I know she isn’t going to let this go. So I give up reading and stand up. Magda is practically hopping from foot to foot while my stomach is churning.
She takes me by the hand and leads me towards the bathroom. Where I have left the tests laid out and ready.
“I will wait over here,” she tells me as she sits on her usual chair.
I grab three of the sticks and go about my business before setting them on the sink and washing my hands. Magda checks her watch, and then she meets my gaze.
“Why is it so important?” I ask. “Why does he want this…?”
I leave the words ‘with me’ out of that question, though that’s what I’m really asking.
“It is the Vory way,” Magda answers. “Marriage and family are very important. This is the tradition. And Alexei is thirty-five now. He is ready to start a family.”
The rest of the time passes in silence while I process Magda’s words. Alexei is twelve years older than me. But it does not feel that way. It feels as though we are so similar, sometimes. Except where tradition is concerned.
I never planned to have children of my own.
I always worried that my mother’s insanity had infected my own mind. Which it clearly has. These are the thoughts that eat at me while the time ticks down, determining my fate.
I am bound to destroy anything I love.
“Miss Talia?”
I blink, and Magda is before me, leading me over to the chair.
“You’ve gone pale as a sheet,” she says.
“I can’t be a mother,” I tell her. “I will ruin them. My mind… it’s infected.”
She kneels before me and takes my hands in hers. “Why? Because your mother’s was?”
She knows too. I don’t know why this surprises me, but it does.
“Do you think Alyoshka is infected too?” she asks.
“What do you mean?”
She is quiet for a moment, contemplative.
“Did you know that I have raised him since he was a boy?” she asks.
I didn’t know that. “Why?”
“Because his own father rejected him after his illness. He was born as beautiful as he is now and almost taken away by meningitis as a child. But he is a survivor. Like you. His father did not see it that way though. He could only see him as defective when he lost his hearing. And he cast both his mother and Alexei out.”
My heart longs for him, in this moment. To hug him. To touch him. But I am fascinated by Magda’s words, and desperate for more. She gives them to me.
“He believes he is destined to destroy everything he touches as well, Miss Talia. But we both know this is not true.”
“The woman in the bathtub?” I ask.
Her gaze moves to the floor, pain flickering across her face. “His mother. She blamed him for what happened too. And left him to suffer her actions for all of eternity.”
“Is that why he picked me?” I ask.
“He relates to you,” she says. “But he picked you long before he ever knew your story. He picked you from the moment he saw your face in that photo. The one your friend brought here, asking for his help. He saw something in you, Miss Talia. The same thing I see when I look at you too.”
“What?” I ask.
“He saw life.” She smiles. “He saw the sun breaking through the dark clouds.”
I don’t see how that’s possible, but I don’t argue with Magda. Just as Alexei said to me before when I inquired about the name he calls me. Little sun. He told me it makes perfect sense to him.
Could he really see me that way?
I don’t know.
“He is a good man.” Magda pats my hand and rises to her feet. “He will do right by you, Miss Talia. He will do everything for you. But you must give him time. And be patient.”
She moves towards the sink and then looks back at me. “Are you ready?”
I nod. And I am grateful for her presence. I am grateful for this sweet woman who raised Alexei and cares for me too. Even though I don’t deserve it.
She has been so kind and good to me. And I want to hug her. To thank her. If I knew how.
She glances at the tests and then brings a trembling hand to her face. When she looks at me, her eyes are brimming with tears and she cannot contain her smile.
“I knew it,” she says as she holds up one of the tests for me to see. “You have brought life back into this house.”
34
TALIA
WHEN ALEXEI RETURNS, it is late.
And I am in his bed. Wearing a silk chemise for him as he requested. But he does not join me.
He sits beside me instead, waking me with a gentle touch to my face.
“Solnyshko.”
I move my face into his palm and kiss his fingers.
And then he’s pulling me from the bed and into his lap, his fingers sliding over the silk material with a groan.
“You have been waiting for me?”
I lean into his right ear to answer in the darkness. “Yes.”
He grabs me around the waist and grinds me down onto his hardening cock beneath the trousers, his hand tangling in my hair.
“I am going to take you often tonight,” he tells me.
My response is to kiss his neck, wrapping my arms around him and absorbing everything that is Alexei. His scent, his sounds, his breath on my skin. I want what he promises so darkly.
My hand moves between us, finding his zipper and pulling it down. I stroke his heated bulge through the cotton of his briefs, and his mouth finds my breast over the silk nightgown. He sucks the material and my flesh into his mouth while I fondle his heavy cock in
my hand.
“This time will be quick,” he tells me as he reaches down to retrieve his cock. “I just need to come inside of you. I want you to smell like me. Only of me.”
I lean back in his grip when his other palm slides up my thighs, bunching the material of the chemise around my waist and giving him access to what he wants.
He doesn’t wait or explain any further. He just slides inside of me and fucks me right there on his lap, both of us on the edge of the bed.
I can’t see his face. I can only hear his voice in the darkness when he tells me how good I feel. How he has missed my body.
“You won’t come now,” he tells me. “Save it for later. You will need it.”
I don’t know what that means. But I just hold onto him. My arms wrapped around his neck as he fucks me quick and with only one goal in mind.
He comes inside of me, his cock pulsing for what feels like minutes as he fills me with his warmth. His voice is calm as his lips move over the column of my throat, and his body is relaxed now.
He squeezes my ass in his hands and rocks me against his pelvis a few more times, drawing it out even as he softens inside of me.
“Now, I have something to show you,” he tells me. “And then I will reward you with what you need, my lovely Solnyshko.”
He pulls out of me and zips himself back up before readjusting my chemise. His come drips down my thigh and he stands me up, wrapping something around me. A silk robe, I realize.
He takes my hand in his, warm and strong and solid.
“Come with me.”
And I do.
I have never been to this part of the house.
The basement.
It is cold and vacant. Stone walls and a simple cement floor. Alexei’s oxfords echo off the cavernous walls while my bare feet absorb the cold of every step beside him.
His arm is wrapped around me in a protective manner. Warming me and keeping me close by his side. We stop at another steel door. He taps on it and turns to me.
I cock my head to the side and examine him. He looks odd. A strange mixture of excitement, pride, and nerves on his face.
“I don’t want you to be afraid, Solnyshko,” he tells me. “Remember, I am here. And I will destroy anyone who ever tries to hurt you. That means in your past as well.”
