by Dean, Ali
I shut off my phone and shove it in my back pocket, hopping down from the table to get back to the park. Saturday nights here can usually get busy, but there’s a rare Saturday night football game on the schedule for homecoming at the high school. Naomi didn’t want to go, but Summer has a date.
Anyway, Naomi and I have the place to ourselves. I just wish Jordan was here too. She loves an empty park.
“You didn’t want to go with her tonight?” Naomi calls after me. I slow down, coming to a stop.
“She didn’t invite me.”
It sounds exactly how I feel. Like a needy little shit.
“I know you said she’s your girlfriend now or whatever, but Beck, have you even invited her on a date yet?”
“Well no, but we haven’t had a chance. It’s only been a week, Rugrat.”
“I think you should start acting more like a boyfriend. You know she’s never had one before. She’s probably not sure how to go about it.”
I’m listening, but Naomi also doesn’t know everything here.
“We spent the day together on Thursday. Studied at the library and got food at the student union.” We also made out in Jordan’s dorm, but she doesn’t need to know that.
“Yeah well, you were doing that together before too.”
“True.” Plus she’s the one who invited me over that day. “We’ve been texting every day but she’s always crazy busy so I haven’t had a chance to invite her to do anything else.”
“What’s the point if you don’t make the time?”
“It’s tricky, she doesn’t want us to be public.”
“You’re smart, Beck, I’m sure you can think of some ideas to treat her like a girlfriend and have a date or something special that doesn’t involve being real public.”
Naomi’s totally right, as usual. As I ride around the park, I’m torn between a pity party that my girl is out having fun without me, feeling pissed off that Davis is there, and renewed determination to get my shit together. Maybe I’ll cook for her tomorrow.
I’m not used to having a girlfriend who doesn’t seek attention from me, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need it.
* * *
Naomi and I ride for hours, and as soon as I get home that night I hop in the shower. I’m stepping out and wrapping a towel around my waist when I hear the buzzer to our apartment. It’s the one from outside, someone who doesn’t live here trying to get in. We’ve kept a low profile here, and with the exception of our sisters, Jordan and her friends, and a few women Griffin or Taylor have brought over, no one knows we live here. Griffin’s out of town and Taylor’s who-knows-where, so there aren’t too many possibilities who it could be. Most likely, someone buzzed the wrong apartment number.
I head to the front door and press the intercom. “Yeah?”
“Beck?”
The sound of her voice makes me lean into the intercom, like I can get closer that way. “Jordan?”
“Can I come up?”
“Yeah, one sec.” I beep her in. Then I start to open the door before racing back to my room and throwing on a pair of boxers and sweatpants just as I hear a knock.
I’m drying my hair with a towel when I open the door and find her in pajama bottoms and a thin tank top, holding her skateboard.
When my eyes reach hers, I find she’s checking me out right back.
“Sorry, is it okay I stopped by? I rang the buzzer a couple times and thought maybe you were out, but I guess you were in the shower.”
“I’m glad you persisted.” I snag her hand and pull her inside, letting the door slam behind her. “Is everything okay?” After taking her board and leaning it against the wall, I pull her to me and back up until I hit the counter.
“Yeah.” Jordan lets out a long sigh, her eyes on my chest and a little crease between her brows. “I went surfing with my friends and we hung at the beach for a while afterward. I hope you don’t mind, Davis was there, because he’s friends with Coby, who’s now kind of dating Lucy.” She rushes the words out before her eyes drift up to look me in the eye. I try not to overreact.
“Is that why you came over? Did something happen?” My stomach rolls in waves of nausea as my chest tightens. Fuck.
“Oh, no! Nothing happened.”
I let out a long breath.
“I’m only telling you because it seemed like I should? You know, with what happened last Saturday night. But yeah, Davis was fine, it wasn’t weird and he seemed to get I’m not available right now.”
I wait, not exactly loving the “right now” part but digging her honesty. Still, what made her come over so late by herself, in her pajamas? Could she not fall asleep because she felt guilty she was hanging out with Davis? Is this something I should be worried about?
“I didn’t even come over to tell you that. I came over because… because I missed you.” She looks down again and I find myself putting a finger under her chin to force her to meet my eyes.
“You missed me?” I want to hear more about this.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you this, it’s embarrassing, but yeah, Beck, I missed you tonight. Today. All the time. And it freaks me out. At first when I was sitting there having a good time tonight but feeling a little fidgety, I thought it was my usual skateboarding session I was missing.”
“But it’s not that?” I’m soaking in hearing her tell me she missed me. Because damn I missed her too, and she’s braver than me coming over here to tell me. Maybe she’s the one I should be taking pointers from on how to do relationships.
“Yeah, Beck, it’s you. Is that stupid? Should I be worried?” Jordan legit looks a little alarmed with her discovery. It’s adorable.
“No, Jordan, you shouldn’t be worried.” My hands squeeze her hips. “I missed you tonight too. I haven’t been a very good boyfriend so far, have I?”
“Huh? No, that’s not what I was saying.”
“I think maybe we’re both unsure how to navigate this when in some ways, we’ve been together for weeks now. Let me cook for you tomorrow. Stay with me tonight?”
“I’m scared, Beck. I mean, I’m already sort of obsessed with you. What happens when you leave? I guess I’m second-guessing if this is a good idea.”
Hearing her overthink shit exactly like I was doing, I realize how dumb it is. Not dumb, but pointless. I’m done with that, and having already been in her shoes, it’s my role to reassure her.
“We’ll deal when that happens, Jordan. Let’s not waste the time we’ve got, yeah?”
She nods and eases into me a bit. “I’m not obsessed in a freaky way, I promise,” she whispers.
“How exactly are you obsessed with me then?” I can’t wait to hear this.
“I like everything about you. At first it was only the way you rode a skateboard, then it was the way you helped me out that first day we met, when I crashed. You made it easy to flirt with you. Now, well, it’s everything.”
“Everything?” Keep going. I’m such a sucker.
“Yeah, the way you talk, the things you say, how you are with your family, your friends, my friends. I might also really like the way your body feels right now up against mine. And your arms, your abs… all of you.”
“You haven’t been drinking, have you?”
She giggles. I’ve never heard Jordan giggle and I fucking love it.
“No, I was the designated driver. I mean, we didn’t talk about it beforehand but my friends were all drinking. I’m not sure what their plan was if I drank too. Sometimes I worry about them.”
“I love that about you too.” It’s too late to take back when I realize I’ve used “love” not “like” like Jordan did. But hey, she did say she was obsessed with me, so, it’s okay for me to be open too. “You’re more responsible and independent than most women twice your age. But not in a way that makes you standoffish or stiff. How do you do it and act so cool?” I forget she’s only eighteen sometimes.
“Cool? I have little panic attacks sometimes inside me. I didn�
��t know I looked cool while that was happening.”
“If you have anxiety, you hide it well.”
“It used to be worse, but that was years ago. Now it just creeps in once in a while.”
“Well, good, I was starting to worry you were too perfect. At least now I know you’ve got demons too.”
“Demons? Yeah, I guess you could call it that. What about you? What are your demons?”
She already has the tip of the iceberg on those, but I don’t want to get into it tonight.
“I’ll tell you about it another time. Let’s go to bed, yeah?”
“Yeah, we can do that.”
Chapter Nine
Jordan
We really just sleep, with me tucked into his side, one of his legs between mine. When we wake up, I’ve turned to curl up facing away from him at some point, but he’s got a hand on my stomach, and I can feel his chest at my back.
I can’t believe I told Beck I was obsessed with him. Was I trying to push him away? Maybe. I need him to know that my feelings for him are big, huge, and if he’s not up for that, he has an out. Should I have made it more clear he had an out? I guess I just wanted him to know I’m already real attached, and it’s only going to get worse. If that scares the shit out of me, it’s got to scare the shit out of him too, right?
But it actually seemed to have the opposite effect on Beck. He seemed happy about my little confession. Like he needed to hear it. So now what? Are we going to be one of those annoying couples who spend every second together? And wait, we can’t do that anyway because of the whole Shred Live contract, can we?
“Jordan.” Beck’s voice is thick with sleep.
“Yeah?”
“Stop thinking so hard. It’s waking me up.”
“How do you know I’m even awake?”
He moves his thumb back and forth on my stomach. “From your body, your breathing.” Beck’s words in my ear make my skin heat.
“I think I’m going into skateboarding withdrawal,” I admit. I did homework Friday night instead of skating, which I can now admit was partly because I was avoiding Beck. Thursday we studied all day, so now I’m totally caught up on homework.
“Let’s go somewhere with less cameras and spend the day. I need to keep practicing my invert.” If I’m going to go all the way to Oregon to compete, I want to impress. I’m still kind of shaky on that move.
“Jordan, I’m wearing nothing but my underwear alone in bed with you and you’re thinking about your plans to skateboard all day and work on your invert.”
My body shakes in silent laughter. It’s too early for real laughter. But yeah, that’s kind of fucked up when he says it like that.
“Maybe I’m not actually that obsessed with you.”
“Guess not,” he muses.
Turning, I prop myself on an elbow to look at him. He’s barely awake.
“There’s another thing I might be a little scared about when it comes to this between us.” I’m on a roll already, might as well let it all out.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to tell me or do I have to guess? I think I already know, if you want me to make it easier on you.”
“You do?”
“It’s sex, isn’t it?”
My eyes widen even as I try to play it cool. “Well, not just sex. Beck, it’s all of it. I don’t know if I actually told you this, but I literally have zero experience. That kiss with you at Stargaze? That was my second kiss. I’ve done nothing else. So yeah, I don’t know how that part’s gonna work either.” I’m blabbing now and I can’t stop.
“I mean, I want to have sex. With you. Someday.” I am the most awkward person ever. I’m sitting up now, my hands covering my face. I feel his hand on my knee. Poor guy is still half asleep. “But I can’t promise it will be soon. I don’t even know what I’ll be ready for, I mean so far it’s all been great. Really great. But yeah, are you okay with that? Because if not, you need to say so now. I think I’d even understand because you’re twenty-five and have had lots of girlfriends and this had to be –”
“Jordan, stop.” He cuts me off, grabbing my hands from my face and pulling me onto his chest. “Jordan, relax, okay? You weren’t kidding when you said you get some anxiety, huh?”
“No, I wasn’t kidding. I just don’t always blurt it out. I guess I feel pretty comfortable with you.”
“Good. You can always tell me when you’re anxious about something. I’m glad we’re talking about this. All of it.”
He strokes my back, and I try not to be so tense in his arms. “I’m cool with wherever you’re at and whatever pace you want to go. Just keep talking to me. Don’t avoid me.”
Finally, my limbs start to loosen and I let myself melt deeper into him. “Okay.”
“I think we’re finally getting the hang of this relationship thing. We just had a lot to talk through, huh?”
“Yeah.” I mean, it was mostly me doing the talking, but I’m getting now that it’s helping both of us. How could I expect him to get where I was at if I didn’t tell him? Not that I’m always so great at figuring it out myself, but something about being with everyone last night, it made some things clear to me.
“But Beck?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m serious. I really don’t want to waste too much time in bed this morning. When can we go skateboarding?”
Now he’s the one shaking in silent laughter.
“This is one of the reasons I love you so much, Jordan,” he says.
It takes me a second to realize what he said and then I don’t know what to do. Should I pretend like it’s nothing? Did he mean to say that? Was it a figure of speech?
“Look at me, Jordan,” he says, and I know he’s already figured out I’m kind of freaking out again.
I lift my head so we’re face to face.
He strokes my cheek. “Maybe I’m already in love with you, okay? I didn’t mean to tell you so soon. But hey, we’re being honest here, right?”
I nod, the same mouth that was blabbering all morning now rendered speechless.
“I’ve got some obsessive feelings about you too. So don’t be scared. We’ll figure this out together.”
I nod again, the lump in my throat growing bigger.
He smiles. “Can you at least wait to hit the park until after I make you breakfast? Am I allowed to do that?”
I nod a third time, and his smile grows. He kisses me on the nose. I haven’t even touched my skateboard yet and it’s already the best day ever.
Chapter Ten
Beck
I don’t know if Jordan realizes it, but this is the first time it’s been just the two of us at a skatepark. We rode a parking garage together, and that still goes down as one of the best nights. But this is our first time without Naomi, Summer or Griffin with us. I drove her to an older park that doesn’t get as much traffic as the newer ones. It might not be as smooth or have as many features, but it’s got multiple bowls, and one with an insane vert. No one’s ever on the steep one, and it’s a pretty weird-shaped bowl. Very few people would actually be able to ride it, but I knew Jordan would want to, and I wasn’t wrong.
We sit on the edge, our legs dangling over the empty bowl, half-watching the middle school boys trying to show off for each other on a nearby rail. They can’t stop looking over here, so it’s probably Jordan they’re trying to impress.
“So the reality show,” Jordan says. “Shred Live? I haven’t looked it up yet. What’s it about?”
It shouldn’t surprise me that Jordan still hasn’t looked into it now that she knows about it, but somehow, it does surprise me. If I’d been in her shoes, that’s the first thing I would’ve done.
“It’s a competition. We all live in this huge house together. The place has a private skateboard park in the backyard. Designed by Archie Jameson.”
“He did Riptide back in the 80s, right?” It was the first real skateboard park.
“Yeah, he s
till designs a lot of parks around the country.”
“That sounds like fun actually. What’s the competition part?”
“We’re competing to win the house and the park. There’s a contest each week.”
“But is everyone already a pro like you?”
“Yeah, it’s pros from all around the world. I think the producers figured they’d get plenty of promo from the cast, since together we’ve got a ton of our own followers. And the skaters who agreed to do it are thinking it’s a chance for skateboarding to go more mainstream.”
“Pros want skateboarding to be more mainstream?”
“Mainstream’s maybe not the right word. I guess just more awareness. Our stage isn’t very big, which means opportunities are limited. Southern California might welcome skateboarders, but in a lot of places it still has a stigma, and it makes it hard to build parks and introduce kids to the sport, stuff like that.”
Jordan doesn’t look convinced. She scrunches up her nose. “But a reality show? All of you living in a house together? The cast might want to show one side of skateboarding culture, but the producers want to make money. I have a feeling those goals are gonna clash.”
I really haven’t thought much about it. My own goals are mostly about getting Brazen brands out there, since we’re allowed to wear our sponsors and talk about them freely. But Jordan’s right.
“Yeah, I’m sure it will be a party house too, but hopefully we can show that skateboarding culture is a combo of fun and hard work, determination, guts. I mean I’m not thrilled about everyone on the cast, but we’ll see. I’m sure that’s the point, the producers wanted some loose cannons.”
Jordan hasn’t stopped giving me a funny look. “This doesn’t sound like something you would want to do, Beck. It must be a really sick private skatepark.”
“I haven’t seen it yet, actually. But no, I’m not doing it for the prize. That would be a sweet bonus, but I’m doing it for Griff, for Brazen. I’ll be wearing their gear, riding Brazen boards, and talking about the women’s line too.”
