Shattered Chaos (Steel Roses Book 1)

by Samantha Bee

  We sit in silence as we both smoke while I contemplate how much to tell him. It’s only fair if he’s going to be on our team to understand a bit. Everyone else already has a leg up on him, in that regard.

  We both finish our cigarettes but while I pull out another one, Ryder just gets comfortable next to me. I light up and stare at the flame from my little pink lighter. “I almost died in a house fire,” I start.

  It’s fairly easy to recognize the burn scars on the back of my legs. Owning up to that part of my past has become practical so I’m able to deliver it with no emotion. It’s the only piece of my history I’m willing to own up to with anyone.

  “I met Luca and Kade when I got out of the hospital. I was twitchy about a lot of things including fire, even as small as a candle flame. Luca came home one day with this,” I flick my lighter on and off as I stare at the little flame. “Even after all these years, it helps me center myself when I feel out of control. Taking control of what scares me.”

  I slip my lighter back into my pocket as I inhale. “Is that the same reason you smoke? Fill your lungs with the smoke you choose too?” I smile and nod at him, pleased that he’s as astute as I thought he might be.

  I exhale the smoke and lower the cigarette to my side. “I told you that Luca is the only person I’ve told my full story to. He helped me decide how to take back control of my life. Smother my fears and build an empire so I could fight back.”

  “I can understand that. It’s like you helping me work through the loss of Jen. Helping me find a new purpose.” I nod because it is similar, but Ryder isn’t quite as hopeless and broken as I was back then.

  “You’ll get more of a detailed explanation of what we’ve built probably later tonight but trust me when I say, it’s bigger than whatever you’re imagining. It took blood, sweat and tears to build what we have.”

  Ryder is nodding his head as he listens, but I can see he’s struggling to understand where I’m going with this. “While there’s always been an attraction between the two of us, we’ve always known that two of us will be an all or nothing type of deal. Neither of us have an ‘all’ to give and we don’t want to risk everything we’ve built.”

  “So, what do you do about the attraction?”

  “We ignore it,” he scoffs, and I smirk, “well most of the time. He’s my boss and I’m his silent partner. We do our best to keep it platonic.”

  He nods and thinks on that for a few moments, “And Kade?”

  “We reconnected maybe about eight or nine months ago. I wasn’t the same girl from his past. I fuck and drink and dance to distract myself from the things I don’t want to think about. I’m all about having fun and finding the next good time.”

  “So Kade is just a fuck buddy?”

  “Pretty much, Noah as well. Kade knows a bit more and we have a pretty solid friendship as well, but he knows my limitations.”

  “Limitations?”

  “Ryder, I’m not capable of more than being a good time. I just don’t have it in me anymore. The heart in my chest beats for one thing and one thing only. Revenge.”

  “Does it work?” The abrupt change in direction of the conversation takes me by surprise. It takes a moment for me to realize what he’s asking and formulate a response.

  “Yes and no. I still have bad days but having distractions help. You just gotta find the right people to distract yourself with. I’ve had less bad days in the last few months. I also have more fun with the people I’ve been distracting myself with.”

  He tilts his head towards me, and I can tell he’s hesitating to ask what he wants to. I can guess what he wants to ask. “I let anyone I get involved with know right from the start what I’m offering.”

  He nods and I know that is what he was wanting to ask. “I’m not trying to hurt anyone else. Sometimes it happens but sometimes all you can do is look out for yourself and do what is right for you. I’m honest and upfront and I take my pleasure, have my fun, until it's not fun anymore. I don’t feel guilty about that.”

  “That honestly makes a lot of sense to me. You have to focus on the revenge to have a purpose but it’s too dark to be your whole existence. You need the lighthearted fun to balance it out. Why should you feel guilty for taking what you need to stay sane? If you’re honest, no one has any right to blame you.”

  The grin I give him is one of the few genuine smiles of pure happiness I give. He understands better than anyone else has, even Kade. He messes around and has a goofy personality but that’s just who he is. It’s not vital to his sanity.

  Ryder sees the smile and flashes me one right back and I know all the other smiles I’d seen from him had been forced. This is a true smile of happiness. I feel fluttering in my chest and am surprised by how nice it feels to have someone who just understands.

  I knew I recognized the chaos brewing in his eyes when we first met. His trauma turned him into a storm too.

  Chapter Twenty

  I meet Kade back in Luca’s office and find Joe with him waiting for us. I wasn’t expecting Joe to be a part of this meeting, but he must be here for a good reason. I tilt my head as I observe the three of them before plopping myself down in Kade’s lap.

  I see Joe smiling out of the corner of my eye when Luca just raises his brows at me. That’s not gonna work now, Bossman. We all know that when it’s just us he slips back into just plain old Luca.

  “There are a few things we need to discuss before pulling the others in,” Luca starts. I sit up a little straighter, ready to finally hear what they learned from the fights last night. Kade was too preoccupied to tell me anything.

  “First, Rachel gave us a job,” I cut him off, “Oh yeah, I finished that. The guys clean, well clean in our terms. He’s definitely a criminal.”

  “That’s good,” Luca nods, “we are meeting with her on Wednesday so have the files ready and you can be present for the meeting.” I arch my brow in question. I’ve met Rachel plenty of times but only as a dancer or Kade’s girl, since that’s what most people believe. I avoid any meetings though because we don’t want anyone to figure out how important to the operation I am.

  “I want you there to get a read on her. She got the information on the raid almost instantly and something about it is rubbing me the wrong way.”

  I lean back against Kade’s chest and he wraps his arms around me. Wow. Rachel has been a strong ally for quite some time. It’s hard to imagine her working with Romano or against Luca, not that anything would surprise me anymore.

  “The guy who gave us the information was lying,” Kade points out. “It could have been with a purpose since Rachel uses these as ways to test her men.”

  “That’s a fair point,” Luca concedes. “He said they were there to request a meeting with Romano. Why else would they be there?”

  Joe cracks his neck next to me, “Have we heard of any problems between Rachel and Romano?”

  I trade looks with Luca, I keep pretty up to date on every move Romano makes. Who he makes alliances with, what they’re built on, who he pisses off, where he is. Everything I can make note of I do. I haven’t heard even a whisper of discord between the two, “Not that I've heard.”

  “We’ll figure it out more on Wednesday.” He takes a deep breath and pins me with a pointed stare, “In the meantime, we need to get Roe situated.”

  I tense knowing that I can’t keep her with me but I’m not ready to let her go. It’s barely even been two days since we rescued her. She’s not ready. She isn’t even speaking yet. We can’t just abandon her. “We can’t just place her in a home, Luca,” even I can hear the near hysterical tone in my voice. Kade starts rubbing up and down my arms to try and soothe me. “She isn’t ready for that. She’s just a baby.”

  My voice shakes with the panic rising in my blood. She cried when I told her I was going to work tonight, and she couldn’t come with me. Lord only knows why this little girl chose me to attach herself to, she couldn’t have picked a worse person, but I can’t just abandon
her now.

  “Letty, calm down,” Kade whispers in my ear. “Just take a deep breath.” I do my best to follow his instructions. “Good girl,” he praises before dropping a kiss on my shoulder.

  Joe leans over and grabs my hand tightly in his, “I know that girl has bonded to you,” I nod in acknowledgment, hoping that Joe and Luca have figured out a solution. “We don’t want to make things harder on her by taking you away from her.” I release a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. Relaxing minutely now that I know they don’t plan on separating us.

  Luca clears his throat, but I catch the emotion glinting in his eyes. He’s not thrilled with the idea of placing her in a home either. “I think everyone should temporarily move into my place.”

  I look up to meet his eyes and I can’t help the questioning look I send his way. Of all the things he could have suggested that was not one what I was expecting. “The current setup is working well and it’s the safest option we have.”

  I nod because that’s easy to agree too. Neither Kade or I have big enough places for all of us to stay together and I feel like it is important for us to all be in the same place right now as we get Rowan adjusted. I wait silently knowing that there is more to this discussion than what they’re saying.

  Luca finally gets to the part he was obviously worried about telling me, “We can’t keep her forever though, Letty.” I hang my head and sigh. I know he’s right. How many times have I had this same conversation with myself in the last two days? She deserves so much more than what I can offer.

  So why does even the thought of it feel like ripping out a chunk of my heart and soul?

  “I know,” I whisper to acknowledge his words. It’s the most I can bring myself to do because everything about this feels wrong. I’m a girl that trusts my gut. It’s gotten me out of more sticky situations than I can even count. It’s almost always right when it comes to reading people and knowing their intentions.

  I knew that raid was going to change our lives, I knew something important was going to come from it, and I know that Rowan is meant to be a part of our lives. I’ll just have to make sure that we can stay a part of her life even when we find her a suitable home. How am I going to bring this up to her?

  Joe squeezes my hand that I forget was trapped between his two big ones, “Charlene and I want to take her, Scar.”

  My head snaps up to look at his soft brown eyes. I see nothing but honesty, empathy and even love shining in his eyes. “What?” I can’t help but snap.

  He chuckles, “I knew that girl bonded to you instantly, as you did to her.” He shakes his head, “You’re like a daughter to me, girlie. We don’t do mushy, but you have to know that.” I feel tears spring to my eyes, and I don’t know if it's because Joe has always been more of a father to me than my own father ever was or if it’s because I know I won’t lose Roe now.

  “I talked to Charlene as soon as I got home from that run. That little girl is family now and Charlene agreed. She’s a part of you, she’s a part of us. That’s how this works.” His warm brown eyes are as full of emotion as I know mine must be. “Charlene and I will come around so she can get used to us too. Once she’s more comfortable with all of us, we can move her.”

  I feel the tension bleeding out of my body as relief floods me. This plan makes the most sense and it feels like the right thing to do. Joe and Charlene would make such amazing parents for her and I know they will never keep her away from us.

  Luca clears his throat, breaking up the heavy emotions hanging around us. A part of me is a little thankful because I am overwhelmed with gratitude for Joe and not sure how to process this many feelings all at once. At least I was until he opened his mouth, “We are getting ahead of ourselves, we still have to figure out where she came from and if she has a family to go back to.”

  I scoff, “Rowan does not have a family to go back to.” I don’t know why I’m so sure of this but I am. I feel like we have no idea the depth of this girl’s scars. I think they go much deeper than the visible ones we can see. I don’t think she'd ever been shown love or kindness before we rescued her. If she had parents who loved her, I don’t think she would have latched on to me the way she did.

  “Were you able to track her?” Luca asks, perking up at the thought.

  I shake my head, “I don’t have my equipment to go through all the intel I got from the raid. But I’ve been keeping an eye on missing child reports for the last couple years and haven’t seen anything for her.” For now, it’s the best I can do until I get my equipment. It’s not like we can ask her questions about her previous life.

  Luca deflates at my less than definitive answer, “Well at least that’s something. We need something more concrete though and we need to create a legitimate paper trail and identity for her if we keep her with Joe.”

  He’s always been the one to approach problems logically rather than emotionally. Luckily for us, I tend to be the same way. I may be more emotional about Rowan than I normally am, but that doesn’t change who I am.

  “I’ve already thought about how to create all the paperwork we need. It shouldn’t be an issue once I get everything I need.”

  “Okay,” Kade interrupts and I can feel him relaxing now that we mostly have that situation decided on. It seems none of us wanted to abandon her. “Now that we have that sorted, we need to discuss more about Romano.”

  I can tell he’s looking at both men before he rests his chin on my shoulder, “I don’t like the confidence and attitude William had when he first approached us.” Well shit, I hadn’t heard about this. I sit up a little straighter in his lap as Luca nods his agreement, obviously on the same page as Kade.

  “He fell back quickly enough but it’s not a good sign that he even thought to come at us with accusations.”

  “What exactly did he say to you guys?” I ask, confused as to when our relationship with Romano became so tense.

  Luca and Kade keep me as far away from him as possible but even when I’ve come face to face with him, I’ve mastered my disgust. He’s only ever seen me as a dancer and seen the guys as powerful allies.

  Kade answers from behind me, “He assumed we already knew who had raided the Sheriff’s station and demanded answers.”

  “That’s bold,” I agree, understanding where the concern is coming from. “Do you think they suspect us?”

  Luca quickly shakes his head, “It’s clear that William still respects and fears our operations,” he pauses as he tilts his back and forth as he contemplates his next words. I have a feeling he’s been holding out on me with information and I’m about to get it. “Romano approached me a few months ago asking for us to look into who has been poking around his businesses.”

  I go rigid in Kade’s arms and I can feel him tense underneath me. The bastard knew about this too. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I demand. It’s obvious that Romano has figured out that someone is looking into him, they should have told me this. We don’t keep secrets from each other.

  “I didn’t want to worry you,” Luca starts to explain but I cut him off, “Bullshit. Try again.”

  He huffs in irritation, “Fine. I knew you would try to do something reckless if you knew.” I try to stand to confront him but Kade locks his arms tightly around my waist, keeping me firmly in place on his lap.

  “We could have set up a trap months ago!” I exclaim.

  “This is exactly why I didn’t tell you,” he shouts back at me. He can try and justify it all he likes but Romano is the key to my revenge, and he’s supposed to be helping me get it. Not keeping secrets and lying to me.

  “I wouldn’t have made any moves without being careful,” I scoff.

  “Yeah?” he demands, his disbelief clear in his tone. “Who’s bullshitting now?”

  “Luca, calm down,” Joe snaps, “she has a right to be pissed you hid something this big from her.” I preen like a teenager when their dad takes their side in a fight with a sibling. I quickly deflate when Joe turns his ire on
me, “Scar, you know he was doing it to protect you. You’re reckless and wild, don’t act like their concern was unfounded.”

  I feel more than hear Kade’s laughter, but I throw an elbow back because I know he knew. The pieces are starting to come together. Why Luca brought Kade back into my life, why they were so antsy about this raid being a trap, why they’ve been so goddamn overprotective and won’t even let me go on simple runs alone.

  While I’ve been stalking Romano, he’s been hunting me right back. If I take away my anger, I can understand their motives. It is their biggest fear that Romano or someone like him gets their greedy paws on me again. Learning this must have freaked them out.

  “We still don’t keep secrets. That’s not how we do this,” I say, needing to have the last word about this as well as their agreement to it. All three men nod, and I relax back into Kade’s chest as he loosens his grip around me and starts drawing patterns on my exposed thigh.

  “I think Romano believes we know more than we are letting on,” Luca sighs, “not that we are responsible but maybe that we are allowing it to happen.”

  Kade nods, rubbing his cheek against my shoulder, “That would explain the way William approached the topic.”

  I study Luca’s expression as I run through everything I’ve learned, “So what do you think his next move is?”

  “I already sent the manufactured files we had on all the failed operations at the Sheriff’s station, but I don’t think it’s going to be enough to appease Romano’s suspicions. It’ll give him no answers.” Luca pours more whiskey into his glass and throws it back in one shot. I don’t normally see him drink like that, so I know his emotions are running high.

  “William seemed appeased by the idea that Ryder carried out your more brutal murders,” Kade starts drumming his finger along my thigh.

  “Damn,” I scoff, “he gets credit for those? They were kind of beautiful.”

  Joe laughs, “It’s not like you can take credit for them.”