Shattered Chaos (Steel Roses Book 1)

by Samantha Bee

  He wastes no time finding my heat with his tongue and giving me a long, slow lick from my center up to the back. He uses just the tip of his tongue to trace a circle around the tight rose bud before pulling back. He uses his hands to spread my cheeks and gently presses one finger to it. “We don’t have time right now but one day, I’d like to take you here.”

  He applies a little pressure and I immediately tense, recalling events from that awful, horrible night that can’t be bleached from my memory no matter how hard I’ve tried. Instead of pushing me further, he immediately pauses, sensing the shift in my mood. He starts to pull away and I relax into him.

  It’s Noah. Only Noah. Sweet, gentle, kind, sexy Noah. All the panic I felt bubbling up immediately eases away. He doesn’t put his finger back but when I push my ass back into him, he rewards me with another lick using the flat of his tongue. He eats me out slowly from behind, like we have all the time in the world.

  I draw blood from biting my lip so hard to hold back the moans dying to escape. My body trembles under his touch and I want to demand more but I know Noah will only drag it out farther if I break.

  Without any warning he pulls back from his sweet torture and slams into me with one thrust. I can’t help the moan that escapes me as I break apart. He chuckles as he holds still inside of me as the waves of my orgasm fade.

  He leans over me, stretching me further as he whispers, “Naughty girl, can’t have the kids hear you, now can we?”

  I nod my head in agreement and he wraps one hand around my mouth as the other hand buries into my hair to fist it tightly. He pounds into me roughly, the force with every thrust has me close to coming undone for him again. The sharp pain of my scalp and the utter dominance Noah takes me with pushes me higher and higher as he wrings every drop of pleasure out of me.

  He releases my hair as he instead shoves his hand down my shirt to find my nipples hard and begging for attention. He pinches and twists with the perfect amount of pressure to ride that line between pleasure and pain. It pushes me over the edge once again and my body shakes underneath Noah as my pussy clenches around him.

  “One more, baby girl,” he whispers before resuming his brutal pace. He plays my body like a fiddle, knowing exactly where to touch and how much pressure to apply to get me to the brink of another orgasm within minutes. My body is shaking from the overstimulation and I feel equal parts desperate for another release and for a breather.

  Noah doesn’t slow down as he continues to pound into me. He fists my hair once again and yanks me upright against him. He releases my mouth and pulls me back to capture my lips with his. His kiss is both sweet and brutal, careful and ravishing, passionate and calculating. The dichotomy of it edging me higher. His fingers find my clit as he mercilessly starts rubbing circles to the same insane rhythm of his thrusts.

  I cry out, forgetting the house full of people and clamp down on Noah as the most intense orgasm of the night seizes me. The pleasure so consuming I black out for just a moment as my body writhes and shakes in Noah’s grip. He groans as he thrusts one final time and I feel his wet warmth spread into me.

  We stand there for a second, Noah just holding me in his arms before he slowly pulls out and retreats from me. He comes back with a warm, wet towel and gently starts cleaning me up. I lean against him and close my eyes, doing as Noah said, just enjoy the moment while it lasts. I have a feeling it won’t be for long.

  He finishes cleaning me up and pulls up my underwear and leggings before standing and placing a sweet kiss on my forehead. I smile and open my eyes as he runs his fingers through his hair, trying to fix the messy brown waves into some semblance of order.

  My eyes are drawn to his bare chest and downwards to the…. pink onesie bunched around his hips. A laugh spills from my lips at the absurdity of the situation.

  He smirks and holds my eyes as he pulls it back up and zips it closed. He turns his back to me and walks towards the door. I purse my lips trying to hold back from laughing again.

  I lose the battle when he leans over and picks up the teddy bear from the ground and winks at me. I cackle as we walk back down the hall but who could blame me?

  I just got fucked from behind by a guy wearing a goddamn pink onesie. I snort, at least he left the teddy bear by the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  It’s been a week since Halloween. The temperature is finally dropping into fall weather but even the rain isn’t making me feel better. I normally love when it rains, being in Southern California means it doesn’t happen nearly enough.

  Right now though, the gloomy overcast skies reflect my mood too much to really appreciate them. We moved Rowan in with Joe and Charlene the day after Halloween like we had planned. It was more emotional than I ever could have been prepared for. She cried for hours as I laid in bed with her and whispered to her how much I love her and how we would still see each other all the time. I’ve seen her every day since then and while she’s finally settling in there and adjusting, my heart weighs heavier and heavier with doubts. Are we doing the right thing?

  I know I’m not the only one feeling that way either. All of the guys have been snappier with each other and me. Even Noah has felt the sting of my anger this week and he doesn’t even fully understand everything that’s happening.

  Luca and I can’t even be in the same room with each other anymore without being at each other’s throats, as today clearly proved. He still wants to try and manage Romano without pulling the trigger and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

  He thinks he can get Romano to back off without escalating the situation but that’s what we want. We don’t, well, we aren’t supposed to give a fuck about our relationship with him. It wouldn’t even hurt Luca’s reputation to kill him at this point. Everyone knows that he’s meddling where he shouldn’t and has done more than enough to incur Luca’s wrath. Yet still. He sits there like his hands are tied.

  We are supposed to want war. We should be prepping to attack and take down his operations one henchmen, buyer, and seller at a time. We have everything we need to make it happen and Rowan is no longer a worry. She is safe and secure in her new home with all the legalities of it covered.

  Ryder agrees with me but as much as he doesn’t want to come out and admit it, Kade has taken Luca’s side. Anytime it comes up he tries to distract me or calm me down with false promises. Fuck that.

  I know shit slowed down around here with Rowan and training the guys up but it’s time to get back to normal. Roe is settled in with Joe. We all moved out of Luca’s house, except for Ryder who decided to continue staying there. The guys training is up to par with what I need them to be at. Everything should be going back to normal which means we should be moving forward.

  After seven long fucking years, we finally have something big. Something to dismantle one of the biggest rings in the nation and the most likely culprit for my demise. And I keep being told to just be patient. I’m fucking over it.

  I slam my car door as I walk up into my apartment. I used to love this place but now it just seems so empty. My emotions have been warring between anger and depression all week. My demons threatening to drown me until I get mad again and threaten to drown the world. I know that I’ve been volatile and irritable and hard to be around. The guys are all still trying though but none of them are willing or able to give me what I need.

  I need revenge.

  I need blood running through my fingers.

  I need Romano’s head displayed on a wall.

  I need Luca and Kade to back the fuck off and get back to our plan.

  I shower quickly before climbing into bed and passing out. This week has been all too much. Too much of everything.

  I wake up in a cold sweat, shaky and panting. Sitting up, I look towards my windows as I push my hair back off from my face. I see only faint light outside, it’s probably the early hours of the morning.

  I flop back into my pillows and sigh. My chest aches and my whole body feels heavy. Today
is not going to be a good day.

  Sometimes you just have bad days. I’ve learned to just accept mine. I should have known after the fight with Luca yesterday, I was going to have one today. I burrow down deeper in my comforter trying to shut out the cold winds howling through my body and soul.

  I have the nightmares often enough, almost every night lately. I usually don’t let them get to me and if I do, I turn that anxiety into fuel for my revenge. This isn’t anxiety or fear though. This is a cold biting numbness that spreads through my limbs and weighs heavily on me. Pressing me deeper into my pillows and the darkest places of my mind. The anger and even the sadness of yesterday is gone. I can’t dredge up any of the rage I felt when I fell asleep.

  I reach for my phone and put it on do not disturb before turning on the playlist I made to match the emptiness inside me.

  Today is not going to happen. I’ll try again tomorrow.

  My eyes drift close and I fall back into a restless sleep as the sun peaks over the horizon.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been sleeping for when someone slams into my room and startles me awake.

  What the actual fuck?

  I groan as I roll over and pull my comforter slightly off my face to peak at the intruder.

  Fucking Kade.

  Who the hell thought it was a good idea to give this mother fucker a key?

  “You weren’t answering your phone,” he shrugs with that huge dopey ass smile on his face. Something about it is off though. I know he’s feeling the stress of my fighting with Luca as well as the pain of not seeing Roe all the time. His smile is as big and dopey as always but the sparkle in his eye is missing. Instead, it’s replaced with something that looks a hell of a lot like concern.

  “I didn’t want to talk,” I say as I pull the blanket back over my face and burrow deeper into my bed. I don’t have the energy to be snarky today. I just want to stay in bed and forget that I exist.

  “We had plans today,” he accuses.

  I groan again as I throw the blanket off of me and sit up, “Look Kade, my darkness is winning today so no, we don’t have plans today.”

  “Your darkness wins every day,” he quips as he raises a brow at me.

  That actually gets a chuckle out of me but even that just sounds hollow today. Haunted. “Fine,” I concede, “then it’s my numbness that’s running the show today.”

  He nods like he understands. He probably does. For all his cheery bullshit, Kade is just as fucked in the head as I am.

  I fall back into my pillows pulling my blanket up once again shutting out this awful day. “Lock up on your way out,” I call out to Kade, assuming he’s already walking towards the door.

  I sigh and bury my face into the pillow, feeling the need to release a scream but honestly just too bone tired to actually do it. Days like today are the worst. Kade was right, my darkness is always present. Waves of fury and vengeance constantly crashing through my heart and soul, making me angrier and colder than most. You’d think he would understand why I need us to make the next move but no. I can’t find my anger today though. Not my fear or anxiety, there’s no desire or lust or pain. Just cold radiating through me. Even sleep won’t ease the pressure in my chest. I’ll wake up still exhausted and numb. There’s no rest, no peace on days like today.

  Just existing. Taking shallow breaths that don’t really fill my lungs, closing my eyes but never dreaming, not filling my reserves but slowly draining out any energy I had yesterday. Motivation and drive bleeds out of every pore leaving me a shell. Maybe it would be better to just fade out of this world.

  I know I won’t feel like that tomorrow but on days like today? Well, I’m just lucky to stay alive on days like today.

  I try to take a deep breath and coax my body into a rest I know won’t come. I exhale but it comes out strained and weak, as if fluid is filling my lungs and taking a proper breath is no longer possible.

  “Do you want company?”

  I startle. What the fuck? I peak my eyes out of my blanket and see Kade hesitating by my door.

  “I thought you left,” I mumble.

  He shrugs and just gestures to the bed in question. He hesitates though, watching and waiting for my approval. He’s always about pushing me further but he knows today is not the day. Especially after yesterday. He won’t push. He’s accepting that today is just not…. it's just not anything.

  Something cracks deep inside me as I nod. He wastes no time stripping down to his boxers and climbing into bed with me.

  I hiss as his skin presses against mine. He’s scalding.

  “Fuck, Ladybug, you’re an icicle,” he says as he pulls me closer into his body until his arms and heat are surrounding me.

  His warmth seeps into me and for the first time today, I stop shivering. I’m still too numb to feel relief but that crack I felt is filling with his warmth and the pressure weighing me down doesn’t feel quite as heavy.

  I sigh and without another word drift off into a dreamless sleep.

  I wake up to find Kade still wrapped around me as he gently rubs his fingers through my hair. I sigh and lean into his touch for just a moment. I take the comfort for just a second before pulling away.

  He sighs and I can hear his frustration in the sound and immediately feel defensive. What is he expecting from me? I’m still pissed as hell he sided with Luca, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

  I put more space between us, and I can hear his irritation when he questions, “You’re really going to pull away from me?”

  I can’t help but snap, “Why wouldn’t I?” Kade is supposed to be my fun one, my partner in crime, the other half to the devious duo as Luca nicknamed us. He’s supposed to take joy in the chaos we create. He’s supposed to help me find joy in it, help me cause more. Instead, he’s taken sides with Mr. Serious, holding me back from the only thing that quiets my demons.

  “You’re mad at me for yesterday,” he exhales, not asking a question but making a statement. He already knows I am. When Luca and I went at it again after training Kade stepped in to defend him. Telling me I was being unreasonable and not listening to what they were saying or thinking things through. When Luca called me selfish and reckless, he said fucking nothing. I stormed out without another word being said.

  I stay silent.

  He sighs again and runs his fingers through his hair, “What do you want me to say, Scar?”

  My hackles rise even more. Scar, not Ladybug. He’s mad at me but too chicken shit to say it. He won’t even come out and just admit that helping me get my revenge is no longer a priority for him or for Luca. This week has been too much. This day dropped me down too low. The numbness has lifted just enough for an icy fury to take over my body.

  “I want you to fucking admit that you don’t care about my revenge anymore,” I snap again. A part of me knows that nothing productive will come from this conversation. I’m too cold, only able to feel my anger. I know it’s going to be toxic. I am going to be toxic. I know that I should tell him to leave and we can talk tomorrow.

  He jumps out of bed to look down at me, fury in his eyes, “Don’t be so damn dramatic, Scar,” he scoffs at me and I no longer care. Everything in me that told me not to have this conversation right now blinks out.

  Dramatic. Reckless. Selfish.

  If that’s what they want to think of me then I can do that.

  “Dramatic?” I roll my eyes as I get out of bed on the other side and narrow my eyes at him. I can tell neither one of us are going to back down at this point. “We have the perfect opportunity and all the evidence we need to take down the person we’ve been hunting for years!” I grab a t-shirt and throw it on so I’m not having this fight in just a pair of panties. “Years, Kade!” I scream as the numbness continues to crack and fade as the pain and rage rushes through my body.

  “Or maybe you’ve forgotten that since it hasn’t been years for you, right?” It’s a low blow to throw it in his face but I just can’t bring myself to care. It w
asn’t his choice to not be a part of this until earlier this year. We pushed him out when I ran away and I know that it hurt him, but I want to hurt him as much as their inaction has been hurting me this week. I want him to bleed like I’ve been bleeding since that night. I know it’s wrong, I know tomorrow I’ll regret it, but today, right now? I don’t give a fuck.

  He growls, “Don’t act like this isn’t important to me because you chose to leave me behind. You chose that, Scar. Not me! You know I would have had your back if you had just let me.” I know he’s right; I know the sorrow and regret I felt at leaving him behind. I know it’s there, but it’s buried deep right now. I can’t feel it.

  I can’t care enough to stop the next words from coming out of my mouth. “What good does your support do me when you refuse to give me what I need?”

  His eyes flare and I know I hit a button, “Refuse?” he yells. “Are you honestly this dense? We aren’t refusing you anything. We just want to wait until it’s safer.”

  Be patient. Wait until it’s safe. Don’t be reckless. These things take time.

  I’m done listening to the bullshit platitudes that amount to fucking nothing. Nothing.

  “What part of our world is safe, Kade? Please explain this to me.” I pull on shorts as he just stares at me. He knows I’m right. Luca is a crime boss for fuck’s sake, Kade a cage fighter and I’m basically an assassin. We put our lives at risk daily. We shouldn’t forget that pesky little detail of people hunting me down either. My life hasn’t been safe. I only ever had the illusion of safety and even that was shattered years ago when my father showed his true colors. “Nothing I want to do is going to be safe, but I don’t care. This is as good of an opportunity as we are going to get and the two of you are letting your fears ruin it.”