Rock Bottom Girl

by Score, Lucy

  “A sign for what?” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. I didn’t deserve to be comforted by him.

  “I thought I was finally getting my act together, you know? I thought things were going well. That maybe I was supposed to stay here.”

  “Of course you’re supposed to stay here, Mars. What the hell are you talking about?”

  “All I do is screw things up, Jake.”

  “You’re speaking a foreign language right now. Come on. Get your stuff. I’ll drive you home.”

  I shook my head. It was clear now. What I had to do. My team deserved better. My students. Jake deserved better.

  The sleet had changed over again. Now fat flakes were floating down from the dark sky, landing in slush. Trying to whitewash the mess.

  I didn’t belong here now any more than I did when I was a teenager.

  “Marley, get in my car,” he said sternly.

  When I didn’t move, he physically dragged me to his vehicle and tucked me inside. He closed the door, and the dome light went off. I sat there in the dark, in the silence.

  Jake returned with my gym bag and water bottle. He tossed my things in the back seat and without a word drove us home.

  75

  Marley

  I didn’t want to go inside. Jake pulled into his driveway, and I sat staring at the house that I’d fallen in love with. I’d fallen in love with the man, too.

  The man who was carting my things out of the back seat and telling me if I didn’t get out of his car, he was going to drag me inside caveman style.

  Numbly, I followed him to the front door.

  When Homer charged me, demanding all the love I had in my body, I sank to my knees and pressed my face into his fur. At least he still loved me. It didn’t matter to Homer if I won or lost. As long as I loved him and fed him and scratched his belly.

  I’d failed before. But this time I’d taken a lot of people down with me. I disappointed them all, let them all down. And that was what hurt. I kept seeing the tear-stained faces of each girl as she exited the bus. All that hard work for nothing. For a lousy loss under sleeting skies.

  Jake dumped my things on the floor and pulled me up.

  He looked at me long and hard, and then he spoke.

  “I’m asking you to stay, Mars. Stay here. Be mine. Let me be yours. Live in this haunted house with me and Homer. Work with me. Run with me. Make me lunches. Let me hold you while you fall asleep on the porch.”

  “Jake.” I was desperate for him to stop painting this picture.

  “Grow old and obnoxious with me, Marley Jean Cicero. I want to be raising a ruckus at bingo with you when we’re eighty and don’t give a fuck.”

  “Jake,” I said again. Feeling hot tears course down my cheeks.

  Panic clawed at my chest. I could see it. See a life here with him. But it wasn’t what I’d planned. What I’d been pursuing my entire life.

  “I have an interview Wednesday,” I told him, desperate to remind us both of the plan. “This was only temporary. You can’t change the deal on me. I was always going to leave in the end.” It was the only thing that made sense.

  “Tough shit, Mars. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did, and here we are.”

  “What?”

  “Oh, like you’re surprised?” he scoffed.

  I was fucking shocked. Like electrical-current-to-the-heart dead shocked. He’d actually meant what he’d told my boobs? He was in love with me? “Why did you go and do a dumbass thing like that?” I demanded. This added Jake to the top of the list of people I’d let down.

  “I don’t fucking know! It wasn’t exactly a choice.”

  I turned around, shoved my hands in my wet hair.

  “But now you’re asking me to make one. Why are you making me do this, Jake? You knew the deal. You knew I wasn’t staying.” He’d known from the beginning, and now he was forcing me to hurt him.

  Jake shucked out of his wet coat and let it fall to the floor with a splat. He was doing it on purpose. There was a coat rack next to the door. And we’d spent four hours on a Sunday cleaning out his coat closet under the stairs. “So you expect me to fall in love with you and just let you walk away?”

  I stared at his wet coat as the water dripped and pooled onto the hardwood.

  Homer barked.

  “Shut up, Homie,” we both said together.

  “I expect you to hold up your end of the bargain,” I told him. I turned around again, but I couldn’t bear to look at him. Couldn’t stand to see the disappointment on his face.

  “You would rather I kept my lips zipped and waved you off at the end of December without a word?”

  “Yes! That is exactly what I would have wanted you to do.”

  “Why in the hell should I make this easier on you when you aren’t doing a damn thing to soften the blow for me? I’m in love with you, jackass!”

  “How do you know?” I demanded stubbornly. “You’ve never even been in a relationship before.”

  “I’m smart enough to know what love is. And I’m not a chickenshit about it. I love you, Mars, and you fucking love me back.”

  I was speechless. I wanted to deny it. To lie to his face and tell him that I didn’t have those feelings. But the truth was, I’d loved him for months. Maybe even since the first time he’d yelled at me. He cared enough to try. But he could do better. He deserved better. So did my girls. My students. They deserved someone better.

  “Look. We don’t have to get married right away if you don’t want to,” Jake said, running a hand through his damp hair.

  “Married? Are you thinking about marriage?” I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to throw up. None of this was part of the plan. Why was he making me hurt him like this?

  “The thought had crossed my mind a couple of times before I heard your blood-curdling scream at the idea a second ago.”

  “Jake, I’m not supposed to be here! Do you see the damage I inflict? Those girls gave me their all. They did everything I asked of them. And I ruined it for them. This time, it wasn’t just my own life I was ruining. I got those girls’ hopes up. I told them they could do anything they set their minds to, and then I sent them out on that field to get crushed. I crushed them. They were devastated tonight.”

  “I don’t even know where to start with that idiotic statement. First of all, it’s a sport, and someone has to lose. Losing doesn’t make you a loser!”

  “That’s exactly what losing does!” Homer didn’t like the shouting and padded into the kitchen to lay down next to his food dish.

  “Marley.” Jake took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose like he was trying to ward off an aneurysm. I loved him so much it hurt to look at him.

  “Marley,” he said again. “This is some mid-life crisis deal, isn’t it? You’re scared. So you think leaving’s the answer. You’re just painting a pretty picture about seeking your destiny. But spoiler alert, sweetheart. Hard losses don’t mean you’re in the wrong place.”

  “Every job I’ve had. Every relationship I’ve had has ended. Badly. I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me so many times that it makes more sense to stay on the floor than stand back up.”

  “What does that have to do with you and me?”

  “I’m not supposed to be here, Jake. This isn’t what I want.”

  “What do you want, Mars. Tell me. Enunciate clearly so I can get it through my thick head.”

  “I don’t know! How does anyone know?”

  “Then how do you know that this isn’t exactly what you want? Exactly where you’re supposed to be? How do you know that every shitty job, every crappy relationship, every mistake wasn’t leading you here to me? To those girls. To this town.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. I was suddenly bone weary. My muscles ached, and the anger, the frustration I felt bubbled up and out, evaporating into the air between us. This wasn’t a choice I’d made. A job I’d earned. A relationship that started with boy meets
girl. This was just another mess I’d created.

  “This wasn’t even supposed to be real,” I said quietly.

  “Bullshit. Maybe you fell for the fake label, but I knew from the start this was going to get real.”

  “You did not!” I argued.

  “Don’t tell me what I feel, Mars! I used to watch you in English class. You’d tuck your hair behind your ear, and I couldn’t stop staring at your neck, your ear, your fingers. As soon as I saw you again, it was still there.”

  “Then why did you change your mind about Homecoming?” I shouted.

  He blinked. “What the fuck are you talking about Homecoming?”

  I held up my hands. “You know what? It doesn’t matter.”

  “You know what I wanna know?” Jake demanded. “I wanna know when you’re going to stop acting like high school ruined your entire life. When are you going to step up and be brave enough to find out what you really want? Not what your seventeen-year-old self wanted. Not what your sister wants or what you think your parents want. What the hell do you want, Mars?”

  All I could cling to in this moment was what I’d been chasing my entire life. The important job. The necessary role. Making a difference. That’s what I held on to when things got rough. When things went from bad to worse. Every new start felt like it had the potential to be that thing that I needed.

  But this wasn’t a new start. This was a crash landing, an agreement, a mutually beneficial, temporary arrangement.

  How would I ever be important and needed here? In the town that I’d left in my dust twenty years ago. What would I be here? A gym teacher? A coach? A girlfriend? A daughter?

  It wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t be enough. I was looking for the right role that would help me grow. Force me to shed my bad habits and finally become the strong, powerful, problem-solving woman I was destined to be. I would matter.

  “Jake.” I said his name wearily. “I’m sorry. But this isn’t what I want.”

  I saw his jaw muscle clench and release. Clench and release.

  “I’m not what you want?”

  “None of this is what I want. I need something different. I’m not going to become a better person here. I’m just constantly reminded of all my shortcomings over and over again. I want more.”

  “I love you, Mars. I want more of this. More of you. You’ve made me a better person. Just look at what you’ve done for me. Look at this house.”

  I couldn’t stand hurting him like this. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t. He was just confused.

  “You cleaned your kitchen and got new curtains. That doesn’t mean you’re in love with me,” I said softly.

  “You are so damn pigheaded,” he complained. “Do you think you’re unlovable? Unworthy as is?”

  That’s exactly what I was.

  76

  Marley

  I spent all day Saturday and Sunday on a blow-up mattress on the floor in Zinnia’s room. It was exactly what she hadn’t wanted. And judging by the twinge in my lower back every time I rolled over to cry on the other side of my face, she’d been right about the consequences. Then again, Zinnia was always right.

  Lying on that mattress with my Harry Potter pillow for two days was my purgatory. I didn’t deserve to be comfortable. I deserved to hear fart noises every time I rolled over, trying to find a better position.

  I kept my phone turned off and didn’t log into the team message board. I couldn’t face anyone. I couldn’t face anyone’s disappointment in me.

  Vicky stopped by with tequila and chicken soup. Neither of which I deserved.

  I missed Jake so much I slept in his t-shirt and wore his sweatpants around the house.

  Zinnia, to her credit, didn’t try to make me talk about it. My parents retreated to “my teenage daughter is emotionally unstable” survival mode, doling out junk food and pats on the head. But I overheard the whispered conversation about what we were going to do about Thanksgiving now that I’d blown things up with Jake.

  I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night. It was a school day tomorrow. The last one before Thanksgiving break. And as much as I wanted to take a sick day and avoid it all, I knew I needed to face the music.

  By Monday morning, the snow had melted, leaving behind piles of gray slush that matched my cold, messy mood. I dragged myself into the shower then bided my time until I knew I’d be five minutes late to school just in case anyone was hanging out around the locker room wanting to talk to me. I couldn’t see Jake. I would shatter like a wineglass on Amie Jo’s patio.

  Feeling sneaky, I let myself in the emergency exit of the locker room and tiptoed toward my office. I’d be free to wallow pathetically for the entire first period if Floyd didn’t know I was here.

  “It’s about time.”

  I jumped, my wet sneakers nearly losing their grip on the concrete.

  “Principal Eccles,” I said, holding on to the bookcase closest to the door. “What brings you here?” Oh, God. She’d heard that I broke up with Jake, officially voiding my ethical behavior contract. She was here to fire me. I wasn’t going to get to leave town quietly. Culpepper would probably line up to throw stones of judgment at me as I crawled out of town in shame.

  “Your office is dingy and creepy. I’m wondering if we can find a few hundred dollars in the budget for some paint and new furniture,” she mused, eyeing my dungeon-like abode.

  She’d fix it up for the permanent gym teacher. Oh, God. What if she was smart and beautiful and a long-distance runner? Jake would fall hard, and they’d get married, and he’d be having Christmas brunch with her. I hated the new pretend gym teacher. Hated her with the passion of a thousand suns.

  “I hope you’re feeling better,” Principal Eccles said as I trudged into the office and dropped down onto a folding chair. “I heard you caught a cold after the game Friday.”

  More like a cloud of depression.

  “Much better,” I lied and pretended to cough.

  She interlaced her fingers on my desk. “Good. Now, for the fun part. What are your plans for next year?”

  I blinked. “Next year?”

  “January.”

  “I’m interviewing for other jobs,” I said hesitantly.

  “Have you considered staying on here?”

  Was I aurally hallucinating? Maybe she’d actually asked me if I’d considered joining a traveling circus or caring for our basketball donkeys.

  “Staying here?” I croaked.

  “Becoming a permanent member of the faculty,” she explained. “You’ve done more here in a semester than most teachers have done in their entire career. Students are raving about gym class for the first time since parachute day in elementary school.”

  “I’m flattered, but—”

  “And I don’t even need to tell you what a wonderful job you’ve done with the girls team. I’ve never seen a team turn around so quickly. I think next year will be even better,” Principal Eccles continued.

  She had it wrong. I’d lost. I’d trampled my players’ spirit. I was no better than Steffi Lynn Hitler. I just came in a different package. “Thank you,” I said flatly. “But I don’t have a teaching license.”

  “You could get one. I looked into it. You’d have to pass the Praxis,” she explained. “But there are ways to teach without having a teaching degree. The point is, you’re an excellent fit. And I would be thrilled to recommend to the board that we make your position permanent.”

  I had a job interview on Wednesday. My next chance at a new start. I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t stay me.

  “Principal Eccles, I’m flattered. Really. But I think you can find a candidate better suited to the position. Someone with experience.”

  Someone who won’t ruin everything.

  The principal blinked rapidly as if she wasn’t sure she’d heard me correctly. “I assumed you’d be interested in the position.”

  “It’s a great job,” I told her weakly, not wanting to disappoint yet another person. Though I couldn’
t understand why she’d still want me on the faculty. I’d been in her office more times than the worst troublemakers. I’d had more complaints against me than any other teacher. And I’d single-handedly crushed the spirit of an entire team. “It’s just not something I see myself doing. I’m sure there are other candidates that would do a better job than I would.”

  Principal Eccles sighed. “Well, I can’t say I’m not disappointed. I’ve been very happy with the way you’ve done your job, and I’ll be sorry to see you go.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I just gave her a weak smile.

  She pushed away from my desk and stood. “You’d tell me if Amie Jo chased you off, wouldn’t you?”

  The woman was dead serious, but I laughed. “I promise.” For once, Amie Jo had nothing to do with this decision.

  She sighed again and nodded. “Well, I’ll wish you good luck in your future endeavors then.”

  She left the locker room, leaving behind a whiff of her disappointment.

  I flopped down behind my desk and dropped my head to the desktop. Bitterly disappointed. Depressed. Hot mess. I ran through all the terms that could describe my current emotional state. My desk phone rang. I didn’t want to answer it. It was just someone who wanted something from me. But it was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. I could muster the energy to be kicked in the teeth a few more times today.

  “Marley, how are you feeling today?” Andrea’s voice was full of sympathy on the other end.

  “Terrible. Awful. Like a big, dumb loser.”

  “I had a feeling,” she said.

  At least Andrea wasn’t trying to silver-lining everything. At least you made it to districts. At least you had a winning season. At least Jake thought he loved you. She knew I had something to be upset over.

  “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?”

  “Your feelings are valid,” she said skirting the line of answer and non-answer.

  “I feel like this loss is the big neon sign I was waiting for from the universe to tell me that I’m not in the right place. I let a lot of people down, and now it’s time for me to move on.”