Hell's Nerds and Other Tales

by Stephen Lomer

  “Bribery,” Herb said, shaking his head. “Why didn’t I think of that? I was going to knock that kid on his ass.”

  As they made their way deeper into the wooded area that ringed the lake, Herb turned to Norbert.

  “Anything of any use in that?” he asked, pointing at the folder with the police report.

  “Mmm, not really,” Norbert said. “Apparently there was some forensic evidence at the scene, but it doesn’t say what it was. And I don’t care how many friends Clarence has at the police department, we’re not getting our hands on any forensics.”

  Willie turned onto the wrong dirt road and took some time getting them righted again, but eventually they found their way. As they approached the isolated little cabin, the sun was rising strong over the lake beyond, dazzling the rippling water’s surface.

  Herb’s mind was awash in memories. He clearly recalled the day when Kate had blindfolded him and taken him to see the cabin for the first time. There had been a rusty little FOR SALE sign planted in the dirt next to the place, and it very much needed some TLC, but Herb had fallen in love with it instantly. They didn’t hesitate to buy it.

  And then after Emma had been born, it became something of a tradition for the two girls to go up to the cabin alone and have some girl time, while Herb stayed at home and did his own thing. Sometimes for special occasions, Herb and his family and Kate’s family would converge on the cabin and have huge cookouts. Herb smiled, remembering the time the whole family had gathered on the old dock for a photo and the damn thing collapsed and fell right into the drink. No one was hurt, and my how they all laughed about it afterward.

  Willie rolled the van to a stop and they all piled out. The cabin’s front door was crisscrossed with crime scene tape, as was the large broken picture window that faced the lake. Herb took a step toward the place, but Willie grabbed him by the shoulder.

  “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” he asked gently.

  Herb took in a deep breath, and as he exhaled, his cheeks puffed out.

  “We have to start somewhere,” Herb said. “And I’ve got to face this place sooner or later.”

  Willie removed his hand and the four men made their way toward the cabin. Herb grabbed the police tape and pulled it off the door frame. His keys were in his pocket, but he didn’t need them. The front door swung open with a low creak.

  It was cold in the cabin with the broken window. The door led into a small mudroom, and around a corner was a short hallway. Herb led his friends in a silent single file line, moving slowly, as though something might be waiting for them.

  As it happened, something was.

  “Hello, boys,” a sultry voice cooed from the doorway of the downstairs bedroom. Herb yelped in surprise as the others stopped in their tracks and stared. The voice belonged to an impossibly beautiful woman with long, dark hair, sparkling blue eyes, and a green silk dress that hugged every one of her ample curves. Her face was smooth, flawless, and her bright red lips beckoned.

  “Who—?” Herb began, but then he had to swallow hard to get his voice to work properly. “Who are you?”

  “I’m whoever you want me to be, baby,” she said, placing her arm on the door frame and leaning seductively. She smiled, revealing a row of perfect, shining white teeth. “They didn’t tell me there’d be four of you. But I’ll make room.”

  BooBoo was already taking his jacket off and heading toward the woman when Herb snagged him by the collar and pulled him back.

  “What?” BooBoo asked innocently. “She said she’d make room.”

  “Will you hang on a second?” Herb asked impatiently. “Don’t you remember why we’re here?”

  “Oh,” BooBoo said, shrugging his jacket back on. “Right.”

  “Look, I don’t know who you are,” Herb said to the woman, “but this is my house.”

  “Your house?” the woman said, her smile faltering. “Oh.”

  She suddenly disappeared back into the bedroom, where Herb and the others could hear a great deal of shuffling and movement. When she reemerged, she was wearing a long fur coat and had an overnight bag slung on her shoulder.

  “Sorry,” she said, edging around the quartet and toward the front door. “There’s obviously been some kind of misunderstanding.”

  She was almost to the entrance when Willie hooked her by the elbow. “Hang on a second.”

  The woman looked at him, fear growing in her eyes.

  “What do you know about what happened here?”

  “I don’t know anything,” the woman said defensively. “Why, what happened here?”

  “A woman and her daughter were murdered,” Willie said bluntly.

  The woman’s eyes grew wide. “What?” she asked breathlessly.

  “You heard me,” Willie said. “What do you know about it?”

  The woman was shaking her head slowly from side to side, her eyes wide. “I told you, I don’t know anything. I’ve been using this place to run my business for the last month. I meet customers here and take care of them. That’s all.”

  Willie looked over at the other three. “Do you believe her?”

  Herb reluctantly nodded. “It’s not unheard of, women breaking into cabins during the off season and . . . using them,” he said.

  Norbert nodded as well. “I guess we believe her.”

  They looked at BooBoo, who asked, “How much do you charge?”

  The woman shook free of Willie’s grip and headed for the front door, slamming it behind her as she went. Everyone looked at BooBoo.

  “Bye, Cassandra!” he called to the woman.

  “You know her?” Herb asked.

  “Yeah, and so do you,” BooBoo said. “You know Ken down at the marina? That’s his sister.”

  Herb’s jaw dropped.

  “That was Cassie?” he asked, dumbfounded. “The girl who used to work at the general store during the summers?”

  “Yeah,” BooBoo said with a mischievous grin. “All grown up.”

  Willie shook his head. “Let’s just do what we came up here to do, okay?”

  The four of them rounded the corner and stepped into the living room. Herb stopped so suddenly that Willie bumped into him from behind. Then all four of them saw it.

  A huge pool of dried blood in the center of the room, with a smaller pool next to it.

  BooBoo slapped his hand over his mouth and ran back out the front door as fast as his feet would carry him. As the other three stared at the misshapen, reddish-brown circles, they could hear BooBoo being noisily sick outside.

  “Okay,” Herb said softly, unable to tear his gaze away from the floor. “Look around.”

  The three of them spread out, careful to give the blood a wide berth. Herb crossed the room to examine the broken picture window.

  “Glass is broken inward,” he said to the room in general. “It looks like whoever broke it did so to get in, not out.”

  Norbert joined him and examined the glass himself. “That’s odd.”

  “What is?” asked Herb.

  “Well, look,” Norbert said, pointing toward the window’s bottom sill. “Look at the glass. There are big, pointed chunks of it sticking up all along the bottom.”

  “Yeah,” Herb said. “So?”

  “Hey BooBoo!” Norbert called.

  “What?” came BooBoo’s shout from outside.

  “Come around to the side of the house!” Norbert called again. A few moments later, BooBoo’s head appeared in the window. He looked greenish and a thin stream of vomit curved down his chin.

  “See?” Norbert asked.

  “Yeah, it’s BooBoo,” Herb said. “So what?”

  “Well look at the level of BooBoo’s head,” Norbert said. “If he tried to climb in through this window, he’d have to hoist himself up to the windowsill from outside, which would cut his hands to pieces, and then he’d somehow have to get over all this jagged glass without slicing his nuts off.”

  Herb considered this. “So then you don’t think whoe
ver did this came through the window,” he said.

  “Can’t have done,” Norbert said. “If he didn’t cut his nuts off, he would have cut something, at least. But there’s no blood anywhere around the window.”

  “I don’t want anyone cutting my nuts off,” BooBoo said plainly.

  “No one’s going to,” Herb said. “Boo, have a look around outside, let us know if you find anything.”

  BooBoo saluted and then disappeared.

  “Hey guys!” Willie called from the loft upstairs. “C’mere.”

  Herb and Norbert climbed the stairs and joined him. He was staring out the lake-facing window under the pitched roof, and pointed at something.

  “Who’s that?” Willie asked.

  Herb leaned in toward the glass to get a better look. The lake lapped up on a very thin strip of sandy beach, which gave way to a grassy area dotted with ancient, graying trees. Seated under one was the figure of a man wearing a dirty old porkpie hat, a tattered jacket, and stained sweatpants. In his left hand he held a clear bottle with a few swigs of amber liquid left at the bottom.

  “Jesus,” Herb muttered. “That’s the Captain.”

  “Who’s the Captain?” asked Norbert.

  “He’s an old drunk who used to be a fixture around this area,” Herb replied. “Harmless enough. I haven’t seen him in years, though. I thought he was dead.”

  “Why is he the Captain?”

  Herb smiled. “That’s a nickname that stuck. His drink of choice is Captain Morgan’s.”

  “You don’t think he saw anything . . . that night,” said Willie delicately. “Do you?”

  “Let’s ask him,” Herb said.

  They met BooBoo outside and the four of them made their way down to lakeside. The Captain was crooning a song softly to himself in a croaking, off-tune voice.

  “Heya, Captain,” Herb said, and the Captain immediately threw up his arms to protect himself.

  “It’s okay,” Herb said quickly. “We’re not going to hurt you. It’s fine.”

  The Captain lowered his arms slowly and squinted at the quartet.

  “Hoozat?” he croaked. “Hoozere?”

  “It’s Herb,” Herb said, placing his hand on his chest. “Herb Dunkelberger. This is my place.” He pointed to the cabin.

  The Captain looked blearily at Herb and then turned to look at the cabin.

  “Oh yeah,” he said cautiously. “You’re that nice family. Wife ‘n’ daughter.”

  Herb tried to smile. “Yeah. That’s right.”

  The Captain shook his head. “Turrible what happened to them. Turrible thing.”

  “You heard about what happened to my family?” Herb asked, puzzled.

  The Captain shook his head. “Seen it.”

  Herb looked to the others, who were all suddenly focused intently on the old man. Herb felt his heart speed up.

  “Captain?” Herb offered. “Did you tell the police what you saw?”

  “Pleese din’t ask me,” the Captain said.

  Herb crouched down so that he and the old man were on eye level.

  “Would you tell me what you saw?” he asked gently. “Please?”

  The Captain shook his head, as though shaking his thoughts into the correct order.

  “Wuz a guy on a motorcycle,” the Captain said. “Big guy. Long blond hair. Drunk, looked to me. He come to the cabin and knocked on the front door. Your wife kep’ the chain on and wouldn’t let him in. He looked like he wuz leavin’, but then he grabbed a big ol’ rock and threw it through the picture window. Smashed the bejezus out of it. Couldn’t reach it, though. So he wen’ back to the front door an’ kicked it in.”

  Herb felt fury and repulsion bubble up inside him. “And then?” he asked, his voice shaking.

  The Captain blinked hard and focused on Herb’s face. “He kilt ’em,” he said softly.

  Herb shook his head, and felt Willie’s supportive hand on his shoulder.

  “What else can you tell us about this man?” Herb asked. “The man on the motorcycle?”

  “He had a leather jacket with a patch on the back,” the Captain said. “The Phantom Corps Motorcycle Club.”

  “You remember that?” Norbert piped up.

  “Wellocourse I do,” the Captain said irritably. “Them assholes have been haunting The Emperor for years.”

  “The Emperor?” Herb asked.

  “It’s a bar up on Route 23. Used t’be my place of choice ’til it got too rough.”

  Herb raised himself from his crouch. He looked around at Willie, Norbert, and BooBoo, and then back at The Captain.

  “Hey Captain?” he said softly. The old man looked up and squinted.

  “Yeah?”

  “Here.” Herb pulled out the keys to the cabin and handed them over. The Captain stared, not comprehending.

  “It’ll be a little breezy with that broken window, but the bed’s plenty soft,” Herb said. “It’s yours now. Enjoy.”

  He walked back toward the access road without another word. His friends followed, and they regrouped near the van.

  “Okay,” Norbert said, looking excited. “This is great. Now we have plenty of information for the police.”

  “We’re not going to the police,” Herb said flatly.

  “What?” Norbert asked. “What are you talking about? Why not?”

  “Nothing’s changed,” Herb replied. “It’s just that now we know where we’re heading.”

  “Herb,” Norbert said. “What are you talking about? We have a description of the guy! We have a witness! Let the police handle it!”

  “No!” Herb shouted, and his voice echoed through the denuded trees. “There was only one way this was ever going to end, Norbert. You knew that from the beginning. If you want to bail, then go ahead and bail.”

  Herb leveled his gaze at Willie and BooBoo. “That goes for the two of you as well.”

  “Hey, I’m with you to the end, buddy,” Willie said immediately. “I’m going wherever you’re going.”

  BooBoo looked around as though just waking up. “Wait. What are we doing again?”

  “We’re going to The Emperor bar to kill the biker who killed Herb’s family,” Willie explained patiently.

  “Oh,” BooBoo said. “Okay.”

  “Boo, we’re gonna need some gear,” Herb said. “Disguises. Body armor. Weapons.”

  BooBoo nodded. “Be right back,” he said, and headed toward the van.

  “Wait a minute!” cried Norbert. “You’re seriously going to do this?”

  “Yeah,” said Herb.

  “Yeah,” echoed Willie.

  BooBoo leaned out of the van’s driver side window. “Yeah.”

  Norbert threw his hands up and then shook his head. After a few long moments, he turned toward the van.

  “Hey Boo,” he called. “Better get some gear for me too.”

  The van’s engine roared to life as Herb and Willie smiled at Norbert.

  “Are you kidding? Going to that place without me? The lone voice of reason?” Norbert asked. “You’ll get yourselves killed.”

  The three of them stood there as the sun rose higher and higher in the sky, talking over what The Captain had told them, when they heard the sound of BooBoo’s van rolling up the access road. It came into view, pulling an open trailer behind it. Secured on the trailer were four gleaming Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Herb, Norbert, and Willie stared in disbelief.

  “Boo,” Herb said, circling around the van to get a closer look at the bikes. “Where did you get these?”

  BooBoo shrugged. “You know, around,” he replied airily as he slid the van’s side door open. Piled on the floor were vests of body armor and a steel case with GUNS & AMMO stencilled on the side, alongside pairs of ripped jeans, leather jackets, gloves, bandanas, wigs, and a makeup case.

  “I had to guess at your sizes,” Boo said, “but I think we’ll be all right.”

  Willie put his hand on BooBoo’s shoulder. “You are unbelievable, you know that?”


  BooBoo smiled. “Yeah. I am.”

  “So wait a minute,” Norbert said. “We’re going to go incognito as bikers?”

  “How else did you think we’d get into a biker bar?” asked Willie.

  “As something sane!” Norbert said defiantly. “Dressed up as cable guys to check their TVs. Or as IT guys to check their wi-fi. We could have hidden the weapons in our toolboxes.”

  “Huh,” BooBoo said thoughtfully. “Those are really good ideas. I could always take this stuff back and—”

  “No,” Herb cut across him. “This stuff is perfect.”

  “But look at us!” Norbert cried. “No amount of makeup and no costume is going to fool anyone into thinking we’re part of a biker gang.”

  His pronouncement was greeted with a few moments of contemplative silence. Then Willie said, “Then we’ll have to get in and out fast.”

  “See there?” Herb said, pulling items out of the van. “That’s the spirit.”

  As Herb, Willie, and BooBoo sorted through the gear, Norbert said, “Should I even bother pointing out that none of us knows how to ride a motorcycle?”

  “Nope,” Herb said.

  Norbert sighed. “Fine.”

  A few hours later, the quartet’s transformation was complete. Herb looked at himself in the van’s side mirror and smiled. With his large dark sunglasses covering his regular glasses, his long scraggly mustache and beard, and his ponytail sticking out from under his American flag bandana, he certainly looked the part. The body armor under his flannel shirt and denim vest served to bulk him up, and his work boots made him a bit taller.

  “Hm. I take it back,” Norbert said, admiring Herb’s disguise. “We might be able to pull this off after all.”

  The effect was the same on all of them. They looked tough and road-weary, and if not completely intimidating, at least capable of taking care of themselves.

  Herb threw his leg over the motorcycle he’d picked for himself and Willie shouted instructions from a video on his phone.

  “Now jump up and come down with all your weight on that silver thing there. No, the, uh, black-and-silver thing. Yeah, that one.”

  The motorcycle roared to life, the sound amplified as it bounced back from the lake.