The Battle of the Books and Other Short Pieces
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By rapine, theft, or thirst of blood.
The ass approaching next, confessed,
That in his heart he loved a jest:
A wag he was, he needs must own,
And could not let a dunce alone:
Sometimes his friend he would not spare,
And might perhaps be too severe:
But yet, the worst that could be said,
He was a wit both born and bred;
And, if it be a sin or shame,
Nature alone must bear the blame:
One fault he hath, is sorry for't,
His ears are half a foot too short;
Which could he to the standard bring,
He'd show his face before the king:
Then, for his voice, there's none disputes
That he's the nightingale of brutes.
The swine with contrite heart allowed,
His shape and beauty made him proud:
In diet was perhaps too nice,
But gluttony was ne'er his vice:
In every turn of life content,
And meekly took what fortune sent:
Enquire through all the parish round,
A better neighbour ne'er was found:
His vigilance might seine displease;
'Tis true, he hated sloth like pease.
The mimic ape began his chatter,
How evil tongues his life bespatter:
Much of the cens'ring world complained,
Who said his gravity was feigned:
Indeed, the strictness of his morals
Engaged him in a hundred quarrels:
He saw, and he was grieved to see't,
His zeal was sometimes indiscreet:
He found his virtues too severe
For our corrupted times to bear:
Yet, such a lewd licentious age
Might well excuse a stoic's rage.
The goat advanced with decent pace:
And first excused his youthful face;
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Forgiveness begged, that he appeared
('Twas nature's fault) without a beard.
'Tis true, he was not much inclined
To fondness for the female kind;
Not, as his enemies object,
From chance or natural defect;
Not by his frigid constitution,
But through a pious resolution;
For he had made a holy vow
Of chastity, as monks do now;
Which he resolved to keep for ever hence,
As strictly, too, as doth his reverence.
Apply the tale, and you shall find
How just it suits with human kind.
Some faults we own: but, can you guess?
Why? - virtue's carried to excess;
Wherewith our vanity endows us,
Though neither foe nor friend allows us.
The lawyer swears, you may rely on't,
He never squeezed a needy client:
And this he makes his constant rule,
For which his brethren call him fool;
His conscience always was so nice,
He freely gave the poor advice;
By which he lost, he may affirm,
A hundred fees last Easter term.
While others of the learned robe
Would break the patience of a Job;
No pleader at the bar could match
His diligence and quick despatch;
Ne'er kept a cause, he well may boast,
Above a term or two at most.
The cringing knave, who seeks a place
Without success, thus tells his case:
Why should he longer mince the matter?
He failed because he could not flatter:
He had not learned to turn his coat,
Nor for a party give his vote.
His crime he quickly understood;
Too zealous for the nation's good:
He found the ministers resent it,
Yet could not for his heart repent it.
The chaplain vows he cannot fawn,
Though it would raise him to the lawn:
He passed his hours among his books;
You find it in his meagre looks:
He might, if he were worldly-wise,
Preferment get, and spare his eyes:
But owned he had a stubborn spirit,
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That made him trust alone in merit:
Would rise by merit to promotion;
Alas! a mere chimeric notion.
The doctor, if you will believe him,
Confessed a sin, and God forgive him:
Called up at midnight, ran to save
A blind old beggar from the grave:
But, see how Satan spreads his snares;
He quite forgot to say his prayers.
He cannot help it, for his heart,
Sometimes to act the parson's part,
Quotes from the Bible many a sentence
That moves his patients to repentance:
And, when his medicines do no good,
Supports their minds with heavenly food.
At which, however well intended,
He hears the clergy are offended;
And grown so bold behind his back,
To call him hypocrite and quack.
In his own church he keeps a seat;
Says grace before and after meat;
And calls, without affecting airs,
His household twice a day to prayers.
He shuns apothecaries' shops;
And hates to cram the sick with slops:
He scorns to make his art a trade,
Nor bribes my lady's favourite maid.
Old nurse-keepers would never hire
To recommend him to the Squire;
Which others, whom he will not name,
Have often practised to their shame.
The statesman tells you with a sneer,
His fault is to be too sincere;
And, having no sinister ends,
Is apt to disoblige his friends.
The nation's good, his Master's glory,
Without regard to Whig or Tory,
Were all the schemes he had in view;
Yet he was seconded by few:
Though some had spread a thousand lies,
'Twas he defeated the Excise.
'Twas known, though he had borne aspersion,
That standing troops were his aversion:
His practice was, in every station,
To serve the king, and please the nation.
Though hard to find in every case
The fittest man to fill a place:
His promises he ne'er forgot,
But took memorials on the spot:
His enemies, for want of charity,
Said he affected popularity:
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'Tis true, the people understood,
That all he did was for their good;
Their kind affections he has tried;
No love is lost on either side.
He came to court with fortune clear,
Which now he runs out every year;
Must, at the rate that he goes on,
Inevitably be undone.
Oh! if his Majesty would please
To give him but a writ of ease,
Would grant him license to retire,
As it hath long been his desire,
By fair accounts it would be found,
He's poorer by ten thousand pound.
He owns, and hopes it is no sin,
He ne'er was partial to his kin;
He thought it base for men in stations
To crowd the court with their relations:
His country was his dearest mother,
And every virtuous man his brother:
Through modesty or awkward shame
(For which he owns himself to blame)
,
He found the wisest men he could,
Without respect to friends or blood;
Nor never acts on private views,
When he hath liberty to choose.
The sharper swore he hated play,
Except to pass an hour away:
And well he might; for to his cost,
By want of skill, he always lost.
He heard there was a club of cheats,
Who had contrived a thousand feats;
Could change the stock, or cog a dye,
And thus deceive the sharpest eye:
No wonder how his fortune sunk,
His brothers fleece him when he's drunk.
I own the moral not exact;
Besides, the tale is false in fact;
And so absurd, that, could I raise up
From fields Elysian, fabling AEsop;
I would accuse him to his face,
For libelling the four-foot race.
Creatures of every kind but ours
Well comprehend their natural powers;
While we, whom reason ought to sway,
Mistake our talents every day:
The ass was never known so stupid
To act the part of Tray or Cupid;
Nor leaps upon his master's lap,
There to be stroked, and fed with pap:
As AEsop would the world persuade;
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He better understands his trade:
Nor comes whene'er his lady whistles,
But carries loads, and feeds on thistles;
Our author's meaning, I presume, is
A creature BIPES ET IMPLUMIS;
Wherein the moralist designed
A compliment on human-kind:
For, here he owns, that now and then
Beasts may degenerate into men.
CHAPTER XIV - AN ARGUMENT TO PROVE THAT THE
ABOLISHING OF CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
MAY, AS THINGS NOW STAND, BE ATTENDED WITH
SOME INCONVENIENCES, AND PERHAPS NOT PRODUCE
THOSE MANY GOOD EFFECTS PROPOSED THEREBY.
WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1708.
I AM very sensible what a weakness and presumption it is to reason
against the general humour and disposition of the world.
I
remember it was with great justice, and a due regard to the
freedom, both of the public and the press, forbidden upon several
penalties to write, or discourse, or lay wagers against the - even
before it was confirmed by Parliament; because that was looked upon
as a design to oppose the current of the people, which, besides the
folly of it, is a manifest breach of the fundamental law, that
makes this majority of opinions the voice of God. In like manner,
and for the very same reasons, it may perhaps be neither safe nor
prudent to argue against the abolishing of Christianity, at
a
juncture when all parties seem so unanimously determined upon the
point, as we cannot but allow from their actions, their discourses,
and their writings. However, I know not how, whether from the
affectation of singularity, or the perverseness of human nature,
but so it unhappily falls out, that I cannot be entirely of this
opinion. Nay, though I were sure an order were issued for my
immediate prosecution by the Attorney-General, I should still
confess, that in the present posture of our affairs at home or
abroad, I do not yet see the absolute necessity of extirpating the
Christian religion from among us.
This perhaps may appear too great a paradox even for our wise and
paxodoxical age to endure; therefore I shall handle it with all
tenderness, and with the utmost deference to that great and
profound majority which is of another sentiment.
And yet the curious may please to observe, how much the genius of
a
nation is liable to alter in half an age. I have heard it affirmed
for certain by some very odd people, that the contrary opinion was
even in their memories as much in vogue as the other is now; and
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that a project for the abolishing of Christianity would then have
appeared as singular, and been thought as absurd, as it would be at
this time to write or discourse in its defence.
Therefore I freely own, that all appearances are against me. The
system of the Gospel, after the fate of other systems, is generally
antiquated and exploded, and the mass or body of the common people,
among whom it seems to have had its latest credit, are now grown as
much ashamed of it as their betters; opinions, like fashions,
always descending from those of quality to the middle sort, and
thence to the vulgar, where at length they are dropped and vanish.
But here I would not be mistaken, and must therefore be so bold as
to borrow a distinction from the writers on the other side, when
they make a difference betwixt nominal and real Trinitarians. I
hope no reader imagines me so weak to stand up in the defence of
real Christianity, such as used in primitive times (if we may
believe the authors of those ages) to have an influence upon men's
belief and actions. To offer at the restoring of that, would
indeed be a wild project: it would be to dig up foundations; to
destroy at one blow all the wit, and half the learning of the
kingdom; to break the entire frame and constitution of things; to
ruin trade, extinguish arts and sciences, with the professors of
them; in short, to turn our courts, exchanges, and shops into
deserts; and would be full as absurd as the proposal of Horace,
where he advises the Romans, all in a body, to leave their city,
and seek a new seat in some remote part of the world, by way of a
cure for the corruption of their manners.
Therefore I think this caution was in itself altogether unnecessary
(which I have inserted only to prevent all possibility of
cavilling), since every candid reader will easily understand my
discourse to be intended only in defence of nominal Christianity,
the other having been for some time wholly laid aside by general
consent, as utterly inconsistent with all our present schemes of
wealth and power.
But why we should therefore cut off the name and title of
Christians, although the general opinion and resolution be so
violent for it, I confess I cannot (with submission) apprehend the
consequence necessary. However, since the undertakers propose such
wonderful advantages to the nation by this project, and advance
many plausible objections against the system of Christianity, I
shall briefly consider the strength of both, fairly allow them
their greatest weight, and offer such answers as I think most
reasonable. After which I will beg leave to show what
; inconveniences may possibly happen by such an innovation, in the
present posture of our affairs.
First, one great advantage proposed by the abolishing of
Christianity is, that it would very much enlarge and establish
liberty of conscience, that great bulwark of our nation, and of the
Protestant religion, which is still too much limited by
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priestcraft, notwithstanding all the good intentions of the
legislature, as we have lately found by a severe instance. For it
is confidently reported, that two young gentlemen of real hopes,
bright wit, and profound judgment, who, upon a thorough examination
of causes and effects, and by the mere force of natural abilities,
without the least tincture of learning, having made a discovery
that there was no God, and generously communicating their thoughts
for the good of the public, were some time ago, by an unparalleled
severity, and upon I know not what obsolete law, broke for
blasphemy. And as it has been wisely observed, if persecution once
begins, no man alive knows how far it may reach, or where it will
end.
In answer to all which, with deference to wiser judgments, I think
this rather shows the necessity of a nominal religion among us.
Great wits love to be free with the highest objects; and if they
cannot be allowed a god to revile or renounce, they will speak evil
of dignities, abuse the government, and reflect upon the ministry,
which I am sure few will deny to be of much more pernicious
consequence, according to the saying of Tiberius, DEORUM OFFENSA
DIIS CUROE. As to the particular fact related, I think it is not
fair to argue from one instance, perhaps another cannot be
produced: yet (to the comfort of all those who may be apprehensive
of persecution) blasphemy we know is freely spoke a million of
times in every coffee-house and tavern, or wherever else good
company meet. It must be allowed, indeed, that to break an English
free-born officer only for blasphemy was, to speak the gentlest of
such an action, a very high strain of absolute power. Little can
be said in excuse for the general; perhaps he was afraid it might
give offence to the allies, among whom, for aught we know, it may
be the custom of the country to believe a God. But if he argued,
as some have done, upon a mistaken principle, that an officer who
is guilty of speaking blasphemy may, some time or other, proceed so
far as to raise a mutiny, the consequence is by no means to be
admitted: for surely the commander of an English army is like to
be but ill obeyed whose soldiers fear and reverence him as little
as they do a Deity.
It is further objected against the Gospel system that it obliges
men to the belief of things too difficult for Freethinkers, and
such who have shook off the prejudices that usually cling to a
confined education. To which I answer, that men should be cautious
how they raise objections which reflect upon the wisdom of the
nation. Is not everybody freely allowed to believe whatever he
pleases, and to publish his belief to the world whenever he thinks
fit, especially if it serves to strengthen the party which is in
the right? Would any indifferent foreigner, who should read the
trumpery lately written by Asgil, Tindal, Toland, Coward, and forty
more, imagine the Gospel to be our rule of faith, and to be
confirmed by Parliaments? Does any man either believe, or say he
believes, or desire to have it thought that he says he believes,
one syllable of the matter? And is any man worse received upon
that score, or does he find his want of nominal faith a
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disadvantage to him in the pursuit of any civil or military
employment? What if there be an old dormant statute or two against
him, are they not now obsolete, to a degree, that Empson and Dudley
themselves, if they were now alive, would find it impossible to put
them in execution?
It is likewise urged, that there are, by computation, in this
kingdom, above ten thousand parsons, whose revenues, added to those
of my lords the bishops, would suffice to maintain at least two
hundred young gentlemen of wit and pleasure, and free-thinking,
enemies to priestcraft, narrow principles, pedantry, and
prejudices, who might be an ornament to the court and town: and
then again, so a great number of able [bodied] divines might be a