Something Like Perfect

by Stephens, S. C.

  My cell phone rang as I was thick in self-pity. The shrill tone made my head feel like it was splitting in two. Who was calling me this early? Well, I supposed it wasn’t early anymore. Fear shot through my veins as a thought occurred to me. It could be my sister. Oh God . . . what would I say to her? Just the thought of talking to her made me feel sick to my stomach.

  Hoping it was someone else—anyone else—I dug my phone out of my bag. When I saw who it was, I let out a hefty, relieved exhale, then answered it. “Hey, Steph. How are you?”

  Her voice sounded a little smug when she answered me. “I’m fine . . . how are you?”

  “Regretting my life choices,” I murmured.

  She sniggered into the phone. “Yeah, I bet.”

  “It’s not funny . . . but it could be so much worse. Thanks for cutting me off. And sorry about the cab thing. I didn’t mean to shut you out.”

  “You’re welcome. And don’t worry about the cab, although that is kind of the reason why I called . . .”

  My nose wrinkled into a cringe. “What?” I hesitantly asked.

  “You and Jake . . . you guys got pretty chummy by the end of the night. I hate to be as blunt as Alicia, but I wouldn’t be doing my duty as a best friend if I didn’t ask . . . did you sleep with him?”

  Indignation made me frown. “No, of course not. He’s dating my sister, and you know I wouldn’t . . .” Letting that trail off, I instead said, “And we weren’t chummy. We were drunk. Thanks for that, by the way.”

  She laughed loudly, and I had to hold the phone away from my face to lessen the throbbing. “I wasn’t pouring the alcohol down your throat. You drank it willingly. And frequently.”

  My stomach churned a bit as the remembered taste of Fireball flooded my mouth. I’d never be able to drink it again. “Ugh, I know.” I sighed into the phone as my dilemma reared its ugly head. “Steph . . . I don’t know what to do. The official graduation ceremony is Friday night, and after that, my family and me, we’re all going out. I feel like it’s going to be awkward now. Well, more awkward than usual.”

  “Why? You said nothing happened.”

  “Well . . . that’s not exactly what I said.”

  “Oh my God, you did sleep with him,” she said, gasping.

  “No, I didn’t, I swear. But . . . there was this moment . . .”

  “What moment?” she asked, her voice cautious but curious.

  A wistful sigh escaped me at the memory. “He touched my hair, he called me beautiful, and then . . . and then he leaned forward like he was going to kiss me.” I heard her make a startled sound, and I quickly filled her in on what had happened next. “I didn’t let him. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I pushed him away, wished him good night, and got out of the cab.” And dreamed about him all night long.

  Steph was silent for a long time before she responded to my story. Then she let out a sad sound. “I’m so sorry, Val. Now I wish he had slept with you.”

  “What? Why?”

  Her voice was soft when she answered, sympathetic. “Because then the obsession would be over. But what he did . . . that’s a fall in love with me move.”

  Making my voice sound as firm as possible, I told her, “I’m not going to fall in love with him.”

  She didn’t buy my bravado for a moment. “Val, you’ve been drooling over him ever since the coffee shop.” My mouth popped open in surprise. “Yeah,” she said. “Don’t think I haven’t put it together that he’s the same Jake. The falling in love with him started a long time ago.”

  My chest squeezed with pain at her very accurate summation. “Yeah, well . . . it doesn’t matter how I feel. He’s with my sister, and she loves him, so that’s that.” Unlike in my dream, Jake wasn’t a carefree single guy who’d never heard of my sister. And even if Jake and Kylie had broken up prior to last night, I would have pushed him away. I couldn’t mess around with my sister’s ex, not without having a long, brutally honest conversation with her.

  “Yeah . . . that’s that,” Steph said, her voice even more morose than mine. “But still . . . alcohol or not . . . you two were peas in a pod, practically made for each other. I feel like that means something.”

  “Sure, it means I’m a horrible person.”

  Steph sighed into the phone. “You’re not horrible. Just confused. Both of you seemed . . . confused. Maybe you should spend some time figuring it out before it . . . escalates.”

  Her comment made me cringe again. She was right, but still, I had no idea how to “figure out” what was going on with Jake and me. If anything actually was.

  “I need to go, but thank you for checking on me, Steph.”

  “Of course, Val. That’s what best friends do. And hey, if you ever need to call me about this, don’t hesitate, okay? I’d rather you talk to me than react to something and . . . make a mistake you won’t be able to take back.”

  Knowing just what she meant made a lump grow in my throat. I had to swallow it back before I could tell her goodbye.

  I dwelled on what she’d said for the next few nights—and on what had happened with Jake. But then I convinced myself that my original comment on the situation had been correct—nothing had happened. We hadn’t kissed, hadn’t slept together. Hanging out with him and Kylie tonight would be fine. Because we were fine. All fine.

  Getting ready for the ceremony helped get my mind off other aspects of my life, and I couldn’t help but smile at my reflection as I smoothed out my flowing red dress. I’d done it. I’d chased my dream of pursuing my career, and now I was one step closer to my ultimate goal—my own restaurant. My life was truly starting today, and Jake . . . he wasn’t a part of that. I needed to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

  Mom and Dad insisted on picking me up, so once I was ready, I waited for them. I tapped my toes while I sat on the couch, anxious for the festivities to begin. When my parents rang the doorbell, I sprang to my feet. Only it wasn’t my parents at the door. It was Jake. And Kylie.

  My heart soared when I saw Jake. My stomach dropped when I saw Kylie. Why were they here and not my parents? My mind swam with all of the horrible reasons why they could be at my door together. But no. Nothing had happened. We were still innocent. Or somewhat innocent.

  “Hey . . . you two. What are you doing here? I thought Mom was picking me up.”

  Kylie grinned—not angry, then—and tossed her arms around me. “Mom’s running late. She asked me to get you instead. She’ll meet us there.”

  I frowned as we pulled apart. “I could have just driven myself. I am an adult, after all.”

  Jake smiled warmly at me, but there was something in his eyes. Guilt, grief . . . desire. “Mrs. Carlisle insisted you had a ride tonight. In case you wanted to . . . celebrate, I think.” His eyes traveled over my dress, and I inadvertently held my breath under his inspection.

  “I think I’ve had enough celebrating for a while,” I murmured.

  Kylie tilted her head as she studied me. “You too?” She jerked her thumb at Jake. “He told me that you guys ran into each other at the sports bar, but I hadn’t realized you’d both tied one on that night.”

  I gave her a tight smile as I discreetly glanced at Jake. He looked . . . uncomfortable. From Kylie’s lighthearted reaction, she didn’t know specific details about that night. Like the fact that we’d been all over each other, shared a cab home, and almost kissed in the back seat of said cab. Swallowing the sudden lump in my throat, I smiled and told Kylie, “It was all Steph’s fault. She seems sweet, but she’s actually quite sadistic.”

  Kylie eyed me for a moment, then snorted. “Yeah, right.”

  Wanting to change the subject, I grabbed my purse and told her, “We should get going. I don’t want to be late to my own graduation.”

  I locked up my apartment, and Kylie made an excited sound as she looped her arm around mine. “I’m so proud of you, Valerie. You did it!”

  I glanced Jake’s way as we began walking to the parking lot. The guilt was written all
over his face. Guilt, remorse, regret—he was a walking billboard for a heavy conscience. “Yeah . . . I did it,” I murmured. Or I’d almost done it. But I hadn’t. And neither had Jake. He needed to snap out of his bad mood. Or else Kylie would get hurt.

  The car ride to the school was quiet. Well, Jake and I were quiet. Kylie was chatting away, completely oblivious to the tension all around her.

  When we finally got to the culinary school, the three of us got out of the car, then parted ways—me to meet up with the other graduates, the two of them to find a place to sit amid the audience. Nerves crawled up my spine when the actual ceremony started. Stepping out in front of a crowd was no easy task, and knowing Jake was in the crowd, watching me with those sultry green eyes, only amplified my anxiety. The ceremony itself was ridiculously corny and reminded me way too much of high school, but when they said my name, pride surged through me, blocking out my self-consciousness. Regardless of the obstacles I was facing now, I’d done it.

  As I grabbed my certificate of completion from the head chef, I glanced out into the audience. I spotted my mom first—she was sobbing, just like she had at my high school graduation. Dad was sitting beside her, beaming. Kylie was sitting next to him, her smile just as wide as Dad’s. And then beside her was Jake. His expression was a little unreadable. He was certainly happy for me, but there was something else there too. Something undefinable. It made my pulse quicken, made me forget I was standing on a stage in front of hundreds of strangers. Just for a split second, Jake and I were the only two people in the room. And then Kylie leaned over and kissed him, reminding me that we weren’t.

  I thanked the chef, then made my way off the stage. I was a little melancholy once I sat back down in my assigned seat. While I’d been eager to get through school, I’d also really enjoyed it. And for a while now, it had sort of defined me. Now that it was over, I felt a little lost. I knew that feeling wouldn’t last long—eventually I’d get a job in a kitchen—but still, at the moment it felt all-consuming, and I had to dab my eyes dry more than once.

  When it was all over, I walked out into the audience to find my family. Mom tossed her arms around me in a monstrous bear hug, then shoved a bouquet of flowers in my face. “We’re so proud of you,” she exclaimed, and she wiped her eyes. Dad gave me a similar sentiment, wrapping me in a hug too. Kylie just grinned, since we’d already hugged, and Jake just stared at me with those eyes . . . eyes that would be my undoing, I was sure.

  “Should we go eat?” Dad asked. “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

  “Yeah . . . food sounds good,” I told him, not really in the mood. All I could think about was Tuesday night, when Jake had had his arm over my shoulders and I’d been glued to his side. Lately, that image filled my every waking thought.

  “I found the perfect place for us to go,” Mom said. “It’s owned by a graduate of the school. I thought that would help you feel like your dream was just within your reach.”

  Smiling at her sweetness, I nodded. “It does. Thanks, Mom.”

  I rode to the restaurant with Mom and Dad. That seemed safer. Or at least less awkward. They chatted the entire time we drove, Mom apologizing for not being able to pick me up. Apparently, her hairdresser had pushed back her appointment, screwing up Mom’s entire timetable. “I’ve half a mind to never go back there, but . . . who am I kidding. Shelley is the only one who can handle this hair.” She fluffed her long blonde locks while Dad chuckled.

  A few minutes later we were stepping inside the restaurant, and I had to admit I was impressed. It was classic and stylish but fun and fresh—exactly the kind of place I wanted to open. Just being here made my creative juices start flowing, and for a moment, I forgot all about . . . what’s his name.

  “Oh my gosh, Mom. This place is amazing.”

  “I thought you might like it. Something about it screamed Valerie to me.”

  She gave me a wink, then checked us in for our reservation. We were a little early, so the hostess asked us to wait for just a few minutes while they prepared the table. I felt giddy as I took the opportunity to look around; the energy of this place was exciting every inch of me. Then I saw Jake out of the corner of my eye. He was nodding his chin toward the corner of the room, indicating he wanted me to talk to him privately. I didn’t see Kylie anywhere, so I had to assume she’d gone to the bathroom or something. Even though Mom and Dad probably wouldn’t think anything of it, talking to him seemed dangerous—like stepping in front of a firing squad. But still, I couldn’t deny him. I was too curious.

  Taking a quick look back at Mom and Dad, who were examining a menu on the wall, prepicking their meals, I stepped close to Jake. “What is it?” I asked, my heart beginning to thud in my chest. Would there ever be a time when being close to him didn’t affect me? I really didn’t think so.

  Jake looked down as he answered me. “I just wanted . . . it’s about the other night.”

  Nerves zinged up my spine. I didn’t want to talk about the other night. I didn’t want him to pop the magical bubble I’d wrapped around the evening. And I definitely didn’t want to bring up the near kiss that haunted my dreams. “It’s fine. There’s nothing to talk about.”

  He glanced up at me then, an eyebrow raised as he gave me an incredulous look. “It’s not fine, Valerie.” Shaking his head, he let out a weary exhale. “I just wanted to say . . . I’m sorry if I was inappropriate in any way. I drank a lot and . . .” Pausing, he pursed his lips. “No, that’s not an excuse. I’m just really sorry, is all.”

  Discomfort made me glance around the decadent lobby, made me tuck my hair behind my ears so many times they began to hurt. “You were fine; it’s fine. Maybe you were a little flirty, but that’s all. It’s fine. We’re fine. Nothing to talk about.”

  He raised his eyebrows after hearing me say fine almost a half dozen times, and then he shook his head. “That cab ride . . . that’s something I’m not comfortable telling Kylie about, so clearly it’s not fine.” He slowly looked around the room, his eyes growing wearier by the second. “I guess I just can’t be drunk around you.”

  His comment surprised me. And inflamed me with curiosity. “Why do you say that?”

  He turned to look at me, and his gaze bored all the way through my soul. “Because all my walls come down around you, Valerie,” he whispered. “And I’m with Kylie, so that’s . . .” He let that trail off with a sigh.

  The intensity of his gaze, the sadness in his voice—it cracked my chest wide open. “Yeah, I know . . .”

  He suddenly looked lost as he shook his head. “You might not understand this, but . . . I’m happy being with her, Valerie. She’s sweet, warm, compassionate. She laughs at my jokes and doesn’t bat an eye at the crazy shifts my job requires. Things were . . . intense between you and me that night, but I’m trying not to think about that, because I really do want to be with Kylie.”

  Ice filled my chest. Then it turned to acid. He wanted to be with her . . . not me. I knew it, but hearing him say it . . . burned. Tears sprang to my eyes, but I blinked them back. “I know you do. And I want you to be with Kylie. She loves you.”

  Jake inhaled a deep breath, and it was almost like he was building his strength back up with the oxygen. “So we’re still friends, right?”

  “Of course,” I said, my eyes glistening.

  “Hey . . . what’s going on? Everything okay?”

  Blinking rapidly, I looked over to see Kylie coming out of a hallway to our right. Her eyes were narrowed as she glanced between Jake and me. Oh God, please don’t let me cry right now. I’d never be able to explain it to her. I would give us away.

  Throwing on a smile, I shook my head. “Nothing. Just . . . waiting for you. So what are you going to have? The steak?”

  A small tear leaked from my eye, but I swiped it away so quickly there was no way she could have noticed. Right? Her inquisitive expression wasn’t changing, though. Looping her arm around Jake, she said, “I don’t know. But I’m definitely getti
ng a drink.” Turning to Jake, she asked, “What about you?”

  Eyes glued on me, Jake shook his head. “No . . . just water for me.”

  His answer, his face, his apologetic eyes . . . they broke my heart right in two.

  Chapter Five

  Now that school was over, it was time to start weighing my options regarding work. I wanted to start making money in my chosen field, but I also didn’t want to just take any job. I needed it to be an important stepping-stone, one that would help me in my goal of one day owning a restaurant. I was probably being entirely too picky, because a solid month had gone by, and I still hadn’t found anything worth applying for.

  “What about this one? ‘Trendy, up-and-coming restaurant looking to expand their kitchen staff.’ Sounds perfect.”

  Pausing in updating Mom’s books, I looked over to see what she had found. “Hmmm, I heard about that one. Rumor has it they’ll be closing their doors soon. I need something with the possibility of longevity.”

  Mom sighed as she shut her laptop. “You can’t do our books forever, Valerie. I know that, your dad knows that, and you know it too. Eventually, you’re going to need to apply for something—for anything. You need to get your foot in the door.”

  I bit my lip to stop myself from saying something petulant. She had a point, and I knew she had a point, but still . . . it was hard to settle for something I didn’t really want. That was probably why I hadn’t gone on any dates since meeting Jake. Everything and everyone felt like a runner-up compared to him.

  Finished with Mom’s books, I told her, “I should go. I’m meeting up with the girls later.”

  Mom raised an eyebrow at me. “Is your sister going with you?”

  “I don’t think so,” I said, trying to sound carefree. I hadn’t exactly been avoiding Kylie, but I didn’t go out of my way to include her in things either. It was just . . . awkward. I hated that it was. I missed my sister. “I’m sure she’s hanging out with Jake tonight anyway. They’ve been pretty attached at the hip lately.”