In Too Deep (Heart Lines)

by Larissa de Silva

  “Okay,” he said, leaning forward, still staring right into my eyes. “Tell me why.”

  I swallowed, looking away from him. “Because it’s the right thing to do,” I said, making myself meet his gaze again. “The kid doesn’t want it. I went to social services, and they’re not interested in helping. So, this is the best I can do. This is the only thing I can do.”

  “A settlement could ruin your career.”

  He said it matter-of-factly, but I knew exactly what he meant.

  “Well, there’s no guarantee that I’m going to win if we keep pursuing this. Our lawyers are good, but their lawyer is a shark.”

  “But you didn’t do anything wrong,” he said. I could hear the amusement in his voice, because when this had first started, Hamilton had heavily recommended that I settle. But I didn’t want to. It felt unfair, and once I had spoken to Terry, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. Hamilton had said I was naïve, that that wasn’t what the law was about. At the time, I didn’t want to hear it. He told me that the quicker and cleaner I made it, the sooner it would go away.

  Hamilton wasn’t naïve. I was, and I was proving him right.

  Even though I really, really didn’t want to.

  “Circumstances have changed. I don’t want to settle, but I think it’s going to happen.”

  “Okay.”

  I blinked, surprised at his measured reaction. “Okay?”

  “If you don’t have any other plays left, then you’re going to have to settle,” he said. “It’s as simple as that. And if you perform well enough, then maybe the press won’t come after you. People are willing to forgive their heroes, even when they do really shady things.”

  “But I haven’t done anything like that.”

  He smiled, a little sadly. “I know that. But there is the other side of the coin.”

  I waited for him to finish.

  “If you’re not a hero, they are going to attack you. Viciously.”

  I blinked. “What do you mean?”

  “If you don’t win, or worse, if you lose to a humiliating competitor, like Russia, people will dig things up on you,” he said. “They’re going to find reasons to make sure your failure sticks to you, like a second skin. Do you think I care about your reputation?”

  I stared at him, unsure what I was supposed to say.

  He laughed, a little quietly.

  “Honestly, I couldn’t care less what you do with your time. You’re an adult. As long as you’re not doing anything illegal, I really don’t give a damn.”

  I continued to stare.

  “Son, you’re a good athlete. I care about that. But it’s also my job to protect you, as if things go wrong, and I haven’t warned you, I will never forgive myself. So consider yourself warned, don’t get yourself into more trouble, and tell me if you’re not able to deal with the pressure.”

  I blinked, shaking my head. “The pressure?”

  “Because now, you don’t just have the pressure of winning, you have the pressure of being perfect.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  He laughed, humorlessly. “Yes, so?”

  I rubbed my brow, looking him up and down. “So that’s it?”

  “I never told you life was fair. Now get out of my sight.”

  I nodded, swallowing and getting up. I knew when Coach Hamilton was right, and I knew he was right then. Still, it irked me. It gnawed at me, like a disgusting rotten little worm inside the pit of my own stomach.

  I didn’t know if I could deal with the pressure.

  I had already done my best to lose Terry.

  And I didn’t know if I could also handle losing this, but I definitely didn’t think that I could.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  2019

  TERRY

  I didn’t want to ask them for money, but I didn’t think I had much of a choice. My parents knew I didn’t get paid very much as a resident, which was obviously going to change once I was done with my residency. I had a lot of medical school debt, which I was already paying. I wanted to get it out of the way with, so that when I made a good salary, I wasn’t worrying too much about my old responsibilities.

  I wanted to be able to only worry about giving my patients the best care that I could.

  Which, of course, was sort of impossible, when the only thing I could think about was, ugh, fucking Noah. Of course, he was connected to the lawsuit, so it wasn't as if he could get away from him. It wasn’t as if I could get away from the lawsuit at all until it was settled or something happened. And I knew that the best thing to do was to settle it.

  It was the only thing to do. It was how we could help Diego.

  I rang the doorbell to my parents’ suburban house, after walking up the long walkway that went up to the entrance. When nothing happened, I knocked on the door. I normally didn’t show up unannounced, but I really needed to sort this out. My mom had offered, so I was going to take her up on it, and I needed to see her face to face before I did it.

  When the door wasn’t answered, I knocked again, this time hard. I could see the cars outside, so I knew that at least one of them was home.

  I took my phone out of my purse, ready to call my mom, but she opened the door before I could. “Teresa!” she said. “What a surprise.”

  I laughed. “Am I in trouble?” I asked as I walked into the hallway.

  “Can I not use your real name?”

  “Sure, if you’re talking about my grandmother,” I said. “Is everything okay?”

  She sighed. “Everything is fine. I’m just worried about you. You haven’t been in touch, and with the lawsuit and everything going on…”

  “I've been texting you. That being in touch.”

  She laughed, shaking her head. “No, that’s pacifying. This is being in touch.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Do you have any beer?”

  “It’s not even two o’clock,” she said, raising her eyebrows and pointing at an invisible watch on her wrist.

  “So that’s a no?”

  “There’s beer,” she said. “Will I also need one?”

  “Yes,” I said. “You probably will.”

  I followed her to the kitchen, where she grabbed two beers out of the fridge, and then she gestured toward the kitchenette table, where I had eaten the majority of my childhood breakfasts. “You’re lucky I was in,” she said. “I was just about to go get some things for next week’s party.”

  “For cousin Emma?” I asked. “How many baby showers do you need?”

  I could see she was trying not to laugh. “Enough to stock a large condo, I suppose,” she said. “Are you going to get her anything?”

  I leaned back on the dining room chair, taking a sip of my beer can. “No,” I said. “Definitely not.”

  She laughed. “I thought so,” she said. “Is this visit because you love and miss us? Because I can wait until your dad is home.”

  “No,” I said. “Though yes, of course I do. No, this is because I need help.”

  “What kind of help?”

  “Financial,” I said after a little while. “You know I hate asking, but I think we’re going to have to settle the lawsuit.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “I thought you had good representation,” she said.

  “I do have good representation,” I replied. “Some of the best representation I can afford.”

  “We can—”

  “No,” I said. “No, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and even with better representation, I think—I want to settle, Mom. This shit is really stressful. To be honest with you, I would just like to stop.”

  She nodded, taking another sip of her beer. “So you want money.”

  “Yes,” I said. “And I don’t know how big the settlement will be.”

  “So it’s substantial.”

  “I expect it will be, but I can’t say.”

  “We can give you some,” she said after a bit. “But I don’t know how much. We have some saved for your wedding—”<
br />
  “Really, you didn’t give me that for medical school?”

  She waved me off, laughing. “But it can be your get out of jail card.”

  “It can be part of my get out of jail card,” I said. “I expect this will be more expensive than even the most extravagant of weddings.”

  “We don’t have that much. You’ll get the lion’s share of our estate when we die.”

  “The lion’s share?”

  “Some will be spent on frivolous things, like cruises,” she said. “So yes. Only the lion’s share.”

  I waved her off. “Okay,” I said. “So that means you’ll help?”

  “Of course we’ll help,” she said. “I’ll cut you a check for ten grand. That should get things started, right?”

  I sighed, hugging myself. I really hated having to ask her for anything, and I knew that while she wouldn’t do it intentionally, she would probably hold it over me when I asked for another favor.

  If I ever did.

  “I’ll go get my checkbook,” she said when I didn’t answer.

  I watched her get up and walk toward the master bedroom. I sighed, sinking into my chair, wondering what the fuck I was doing there. I wanted it to end. I wanted the kid to get his money, to go forth and live a happy life away from his parents’ thumb, but things weren’t that simple. They would probably keep the money, and then he wouldn’t get a dime of it when he was eighteen.

  I didn’t want to think about it too much.

  I sighed again, closing my eyes and taking a sip of my beer, when my phone began to ring in my bag.

  I grabbed it and looked at it, surprised to see Noah’s face on my screen when I brought it up to my face. “Hello?”

  “Hey,” he said. “It’s me.”

  “Yeah. What’s up?” I asked, my heart beating hard in my chest. “I can’t really talk right now.”

  “Listen,” he said. “I—I did something, but before I go through with it, I need to clear it with you.”

  “What did you do?” I asked, then dropped my voice to a whisper. “I’m at my parents’ house, trying to get money for the settlement, but I don’t know how much they’ll give me—”

  “If it comes to that,” he said when I trailed off. “I can help.”

  “You can help?”

  “I got a pretty hefty settlement from the state myself when I turned eighteen,” he said. “I think it’s only fair that it goes back to another kid, since I don’t need it.”

  I scoffed, but I was more surprised and pleased than I had anticipated. “I don’t—”

  “We can argue about that later,” he said. “Diego called me. He says he wants me to take him to the social worker himself. I think if he wants to go and report it himself, they’ll take it a little more seriously. Especially because he’s trying to move out.”

  “He can’t move out,” I said. “Isn’t he like, sixteen or something?”

  “Better to move out than to be a runaway,” he replied. “Can you meet us or not?”

  “It’s both of you?”

  “Yes,” he said. “I think, depending on this meeting, we’re going to figure out how we’re going to go forward. I’ll send you the address where we can meet?”

  I took a deep breath. “I don’t understand how this will help,” I said.

  “It’s our last play,” he said, then sighed. I could hear that he was out of breath. “I just don’t want to do something that’s going to benefit the parents without benefitting the kid. You get that, right?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Of course I get that.”

  “Right,” he said. “I’ll send you the address and I’ll see you in thirty minutes, okay?”

  I blinked. “Sure, okay.”

  He hung up and I went to my mom’s bedroom. “Hey, mom,” I said, walking over to her and hugging her. “I’ll be back a little later, okay? Something came up and I gotta go take care of it.”

  “You didn’t say you were on call.”

  “I’m not on call,” I said. “I’ll be back tonight, okay? Make enough dinner for me.”

  Before she could say anything else, I walked away from her, and out the door. Whatever Noah had for me, it better be good.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  2019

  NOAH

  I waited for her.

  I didn’t know if she was going to arrive, but I was still waiting. I was surprised that she had even picked up the phone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had sent me to voicemail or if she never wanted to speak to me again, but I had been happy she did.

  I was nervous.

  I didn’t want any of this to be public, but I didn’t think I had a choice. It might have meant more pressure on me, like Coach Hamilton said, but if it meant making a kid safe…

  Well, a little pressure never killed anyone, I told myself. I was outside City Hall, pacing around the square, waiting and sweating. I knew the kid was due to arrive, but he probably had to take the bus to come meet us, and he was going to take a little while.

  It would let me have enough time to talk to Terry, which I sorely needed. I didn’t know if she was going to appreciate it, but still, I needed to speak to her.

  I sat down on a bench near some pigeons and continued to wait. I didn’t even look up until someone sat next to me.

  “Hey,” Terry said, softly. “Are you okay? You seem distracted.”

  She looked beautiful. She was wearing jeans and a large yellow top. Her hair was in a braid and her eyes were shining.

  I leaned forward, clasping my hands together. “I’m… honestly, I’m worried.”

  “What are you worried about?”

  “I’m worried because this probably means that, if they decide not to help him, we’ll have to take the case to the media.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t want to give his parents money,” he said. “I’m sure you don’t, either.”

  She nodded, biting her lips. “You’re right,” she said. “But isn’t that going to make your life harder?”

  “Yes, but I don’t care,” I said. “I just have to win and not worry about that.”

  Before I could process what was happening, she put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. “I’m sorry it has come to this,” she said.

  I laughed, looking at her and swallowing. “It is what it is, right?” I said. “I’ve been practicing what I’m going to say in interviews. Maybe I’ll get a make-up artist, too, to make me look good.”

  She laughed. “I don’t know, Noah,” she said. “I think you already look good.”

  I swallowed, looking her up and down. “Listen. I’m sorry about…” I said. “I know, I know how it looked, but it wasn’t what you thought.”

  She looked me up and down.

  “I wanted to find out how it would… you know, affect us,” I said. “If they found out we were speaking to him, how badly it was going to impact us, but I didn’t want it as part of the record and I thought…”

  “What? You’d use your charms to make her not drop us?”

  I laughed. “Something like that,” I said. “Now that you are saying it, it sounds stupid.”

  “It is stupid,” she said. “You know it’s stupid, right?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Especially because it hurt you, and I never meant to hurt your feelings.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s okay,” she said. “You and me, I know we are not… like, as much as I want us to be, I know you don’t want to—”

  “As much as you’d like us to?” I asked, my eyes wide.

  She laughed, throwing her head back. “Is that so hard to believe?”

  “I thought you weren’t interested until the lawsuit was over.”

  “Well, if you are right, then the lawsuit will be over very soon,” she said. “And yes. I like you, but—”

  “I like you too,” I said, my heart beating fast in my chest. “Will you—I mean, I sort of hate to ask, but will you give me another chance?”

  “Why do you hate
to ask?” she asked, cocking her head and narrowing her eyes.

  “Because I feel like I keep asking you out,” I said. “And you keep saying no, and I just feel confused, and like I’m making you do something you don’t want to do.”

  She turned to look at me, her expression serious. “Listen,” she said. “I have never, ever done anything I didn’t want to do with you. Always just—”

  “What?”

  “What I want,” she said. I noticed that she had inched closer to me, and her gaze darted from my lips to my eyes, her eyes shining. “Always what I want.”

  “What do you want now?” I asked. Her breath was tickling my skin, and I could see the ridges of her lips, the way her eyelashes curled at the end and almost reached her eyebrows.

  “You,” she said after a bit. “But all of you. I don’t do casual.”

  “Good,” I replied. “I don’t think I do casual either.”

  I closed the space between us and kissed her on the lips, pressing my mouth against her, letting myself get lost in her scent, in the way her lips felt on mine, in the—

  “Gross,” a young voice said. “Can you guys like, get a room?”

  ***

  We were speaking to a social worker who looked extremely frazzled. I didn’t know how she was going to react, but once she had finished listening to Diego, who was sitting in between us, she took off her glasses, rubbed her temple, and sighed.

  “What do you expect will happen now?”

  “I don’t know. But I don’t want the lawsuit to continue, and I don’t want them to have to pay. They shouldn’t have to pay because they saved me.”

  The social worker tapped her pen against the desk. “Okay. I can assign you to a guardian ad litem, and you can work something out. Obviously I can’t make you a ward of the court, because I don’t have the authority to remove you from your parents, not without a process, but you can try to get emancipated.”

  Diego shook his head. “Isn’t emancipation really difficult?”

  “Yes,” she said. “First, you need to find somewhere to live—”

  “He can live with me,” I said, before I could even think about what was coming out of my mouth. I leaned back and cleared my throat. “I mean, I’ll have all the training necessary. If he wants me to. I’ll take whatever classes are needed, I’ll make sure my home is—”