The Two Hearts of Eliza Bloom

by Beth Miller

  When Kim had gone, I raised my eyebrows at Alex.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You were a bit weird with Kim.’

  Though I said this, I knew that his mood wasn’t anything to do with Kim. For a few weeks, I had been living a double life. I wasn’t ready to tell Alex about what I was up to, for fear of worrying him. I didn’t want him to think I wanted to go back to my old life. So since reconnecting with my family I’d had to invent outings with Genevieve from work as an excuse for some of it (she was really nice, but I didn’t see her socially), and visits to Zaida for other times (that at least was true). I regularly found myself changing clothes in the toilet at the station, or telling Alex I had to get in early to work. A couple of times I’d even had to eat two suppers when I forgot to coordinate things. On the plus side, Becca was far more friendly now, and Nathan and I had moved past some of our initial awkwardness. For Dov and Gila, it was like I’d never been gone.

  The downside was that Alex was getting a bit fed up with how absent I was.

  ‘I was normal,’ he said. ‘You were the one who was fucking weird. “Oh yes, Kim, I’ll come and sit on your lap on the rollercoaster.”’

  ‘That’s silly.’

  ‘Is it?’ He went out of the room, and we avoided each other for the rest of the day.

  Things still weren’t right between us when we met Kim and Vicky at Victoria Station a couple of days later. Alex and Kim’s mum was taking care of Holly, and Kim seemed to have taken over the role occupied by a child – ‘I love my birthday!’ He was delighted by the gifts Alex and I gave him: a selection of CDs and books that we knew he wanted, each one individually wrapped, so that it took him quite a lot of the journey to get through them all.

  It was sunny but cold, and Vicky was wearing her fluffy white coat, undone because the buttons wouldn’t reach across her pregnant tummy. Her bust seemed to have doubled in size, a fact of great pride to her.

  ‘I got quite titty when I was preggers with Holly,’ she told me and Alex, mostly Alex, ‘but nothing like this.’

  The creamy upper slopes of her breasts were on display in one of her almost-no-buttons shirts and I was sure Alex must be finding it difficult to look away; I know I was. Kim behaved as if Vicky wasn’t there, an uncomfortable experience made more so by him directing most of his conversation to me. It was a relief when we arrived at Brighton and walked down the wide busy street to the pier. I was dazzled by the noise, the lights, the crowds of people, the sickly smells of doughnuts and waffles. Thorpe Park was much bigger, but here it was all contained in a small place: the dodgems were right up against the Haunted House, the rollercoaster directly above our heads. I watched it loop round and plummet, the screams of the passengers ringing in my ears.

  ‘Who’s in?’ Kim shouted, his eyes flashing with excitement.

  ‘Not me,’ Vicky said, stroking her tummy.

  ‘Me and Alex!’ I cried. I could see that there were seats for three.

  ‘You’re all going to leave me on my fucking own, then?’ Vicky said. She folded her arms, did a mock pout, but I could see she was feeling genuinely left out.

  ‘I’ll stay—’ I started to say, but almost at the same time she said, ‘You’ll keep me company won’t you, Ally-Boy?’

  Alex looked from me to her, and said, ‘Sure. It’ll be a pleasure.’

  ‘Oh, Ally, you are a true gent.’ Vicky fanned her hands in front of her face. ‘You’re making me cry!’

  I started to protest, to say that the brothers should go together and I’d stay with her, but Vicky was already dragging Alex away to buy candyfloss, and Kim was in the queue, calling me. We clambered into our seats and Kim had to help me with my seat belt, which caused us both embarrassment when his hand brushed my lap; he yanked it away as though it was radioactive. We then had to wait a while as others took their seats, and there was an awkward silence.

  ‘Are you having a good day?’ I asked.

  ‘Brilliant,’ he said, smiling down at me. ‘Are you?’

  ‘Oh, yes.’

  ‘Alex seems in a bit of a bad mood, though. Again.’

  I’d hoped Kim wouldn’t have noticed. I didn’t want his birthday to be spoiled. But there was no point pretending as he clearly knew something was off.

  ‘I’m not sure why,’ I said. ‘He’s been a bit cross with me lately.’

  ‘I don’t know how anyone could be cross with you, Eliza.’

  Embarrassed again, I blurted, ‘Well, I’ve been going out a bit more, and we’ve had less time together.’ I hadn’t intended to say anything but Kim’s soft eyes on mine made me uncharacteristically outspoken.

  ‘Does he not like you going out?’ Kim said. He shook his head. ‘That’s a bit bloody much.’

  ‘Oh, no, I don’t mean that. I mean…’

  What did I mean? And why was I talking about my husband like this, to his brother? His brother, who I was aware had certain tricky feelings? I tried to turn his attention away from me. ‘Does Vicky mind when you go out?’

  ‘Christ no, she can’t get me out of the house enough. Mind you… ooh, here we go!’

  The mechanisms began clanking, the tinny music started up again, and we were slowly raised into the air.

  ‘Mind you,’ Kim continued, ‘I’m pretty happy for her to go out. More often the better.’

  ‘I suppose with her pregnant,’ I said, feeling ever more awkward, ‘and a little one in the house, it can be a bit stressful…’

  The coaster climbed up and up, until we seemed impossibly high above the rest of the fairground, the sea sparkling a long way down.

  ‘Oh, look how far up we are!’ I said.

  ‘Shouldn’t have married her,’ he said.

  I turned to look at him; his face was serious. ‘Oh, Kim, no, you can’t mean that?’

  We suddenly plummeted down, headfirst, at immense speed. I felt my hair whip back behind me. I screamed at the top of my lungs, and Kim grabbed my hand, and for a few moments I honestly thought we were going to die. Then with a teeth-shattering jerk, we pulled up and began moving slowly towards a loop.

  ‘Oh my god, this is much scarier than the one at Thorpe Park!’

  Kim was still holding my hand and I didn’t know how to extract it, other than to rudely pull it away, and anyway we were now moving into the loop, which meant we would shortly be upside down… I screwed my eyes shut and held his hand even tighter. I couldn’t stop myself screaming again as we went round and round the loop: right way up, upside down, then whisked the right way up again, as though we were beetles being cruelly flicked by a bored child. It seemed for ever before we levelled out and there was a breathing space as we began a slow climb again. I managed to pull my hand away.

  ‘Alex has always had a strong personality,’ Kim said.

  ‘I guess so.’ My breath was short, and I was anxious about the next plummets, in both the rollercoaster and the conversation. ‘He has lots of ideas, and knows what he likes doing.’

  We had to stop talking then, as we plunged at extraordinary speed down on to another track. Kim grabbed my hand again. My throat felt raw with all the screaming.

  ‘He always called the shots when we were kids,’ Kim said. He seemed unperturbed by the sudden nosedive we’d just come out of. ‘It made me feel, I don’t know, a bit hemmed in.’

  I didn’t know what to say. ‘Oh.’

  ‘What about you, Eliza?’

  ‘What about me?’

  ‘Well.’ He looked away. ‘You didn’t marry…’

  Again we lurched downwards, and his words were drowned out by the noise of the coaster and my own shouts.

  ‘What?’ I yelled, as we pulled into a slow uphill section.

  ‘You didn’t marry someone else back then. You wanted to avoid a restrictive marriage.’

  ‘That wasn’t the only…’

  ‘I wondered if you feel restricted now?’

  ‘What do you mean, restricted?’ I gripped the bar at the front tighter. We were speeding up,
and I could tell we were shortly going to…

  ‘With Alex?’

  ‘What? I can’t hear…’

  Down, down, we went, and it seemed that we would surely crash this time. It felt that we were horribly close to the ground and I closed my eyes.

  ‘With Alex!’ he shouted. His ability to keep talking while plunging to certain death was incredible.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I managed to say as we avoided the pier at the last minute and started a groaning, clunking climb.

  ‘You can’t do what you want? He tells you what you should do?’

  My heart started thudding. What was this conversation? ‘Sometimes, maybe.’

  ‘I don’t think he gives you enough freedom,’ Kim said. ‘I would.’

  I chose to ignore the second part. ‘I have plenty of freedom,’ I said. ‘Much more than if I’d stayed in Hackney.’

  His answer was lost as we went into another loop. I could hear everyone else screaming along with me.

  ‘Are you scared?’ Kim said as we levelled out.

  ‘Yes! No! I love it and hate it at the same time.’

  ‘A good description of marriage,’ he said. ‘Well, not mine.’

  In a level moment before the next drop, I looked down at the sea, sparkling blue in the sunshine, and at the pier. We were almost at the highest point of the climb again, and I could see little people down below like dolls. None of them were taking their lives in their hands like us. None of them were doing anything so daring. Presumably none of them were having a conversation like this, either. I saw Alex and Vicky standing by the railings at the side of the pier. I recognised her white-coated arms around his neck and his dark head bent towards her before I registered that they were kissing. I lost sight of them almost as soon as I’d seen them, as we went into a final speed-of-sound drop that made my teeth rattle in my head. As we came out of the dive and slowed down ready to stop, I twisted round trying to pick them out but couldn’t get my bearings. I looked at Kim but he clearly hadn’t seen anything amiss. Which side of the pier had they been on? It was impossible to work it out. We at last came to a halt and I felt so confused, it didn’t even feel awkward taking my hand out of Kim’s.

  ‘Thank you, that was brilliant,’ I said, and before he could say any more intense stuff I was out of the belt, out of my seat and back on the ground. Vicky and Alex were standing waiting for us, leaning against the coconut shy, quite separate from each other. I walked towards them on wobbly legs.

  ‘Did you get a picture?’ Kim asked Vicky, out of breath.

  ‘Oh no, I forgot,’ she said. ‘Sorry. We were busy.’

  ‘Doing what?’ I asked, looking at Alex, at the frowning quotation marks between his eyes. They came out when he was anxious, or angry. Which was it?

  ‘Looking for candyfloss,’ Vicky said. ‘Can’t fucking find any.’

  ‘There’s some right there,’ Kim said, pointing to a stall behind her.

  Vicky laughed. ‘Couldn’t see for looking,’ she said. She pulled Kim over towards it, and Alex put an arm round me. I could smell Vicky’s perfume on his jacket.

  ‘Was it good?’ he asked.

  ‘It was great. Was it good for you?’ I replied, my stomach feeling even more hollow than when I’d been on the rollercoaster.

  ‘I didn’t go on it,’ he said, looking puzzled.

  ‘I know.’ I decided not to say anything now. It was Kim’s day. Vicky was decorating his eyebrows with candyfloss and he was laughing.

  ‘Shall we go on the amusements?’ Alex said. ‘I’ll show you the 2p falls, they’re my favourite.’ He pulled me closer and pressed his lips against my cheek. ‘I really love you,’ he said. ‘Don’t ever forget it.’

  We walked on the pebbly beach, and I tested the water with my hand. It was so cold, I resisted all Alex’s entreaties to take my shoes off and have a paddle. He went in up to his knees, though only for a few seconds before he came running out, or more accurately staggering, on the stones, laughing about how freezing it was. Vicky told him to sit and she’d rub his legs warm, but he said he would soon be fine if we kept on walking. We got fish and chips and ate them on the beach, their warmth welcome as the sun went down.

  ‘This was a brilliant birthday,’ Kim said as we sank into our seats on the train home. He put his arm round Vicky’s shoulders.

  ‘That’s not comfortable, Kim,’ she said. ‘You’re making my neck ache.’ She moved his arm, and he grinned across at me.

  ‘Told you, she thinks I’m a pain in the neck.’

  Back in the flat, Alex kicked off his shoes and said, ‘I’m going for a bath. I’m still a bit cold from the sea.’

  I made some tea, and took it into the bathroom. He was lying in a deep bath, no bubbles, his long body stretched out under the water. Even after all these months, it still seemed extraordinarily shocking that I could see a naked man whenever I wanted to. And sometimes when I didn’t want to. I put his tea on the edge of the bath.

  ‘Ah, this will warm my insides, thank you,’ he said.

  I opened my mouth to tell him what I’d seen, then closed it again. I felt too silly, like I was trying to be someone in a film. I thought instead about Gila and Dov, draping bunches of sage over the roof of the sukkah.

  I said, ‘Genevieve rang, and asked if I can go shopping with her tomorrow.’

  ‘On a Sunday?’ Alex said. He sat up and took a gulp of tea. With his wet hair slicked back, he looked like a man I’d seen on a poster on the tube, advertising something, I didn’t remember what.

  ‘Well, the big shops are open.’

  ‘I mean, we normally do things on Sunday. You and me. Together.’

  ‘It’s only for a couple of hours in the morning. I’ll be back in the afternoon.’

  He splashed water on his face. ‘OK, sure.’

  When Dad and Uri saw me coming into the back garden, they both quietly disappeared. This was what they did every time I showed up at the house. Gila threw her arms tightly round my waist, more than making up for it, and Dov said, ‘Ah, great, you can put some of this stuff on the roof, my arms are aching.’

  ‘Isn’t this young lady helping you?’ I asked, swinging Gila in my arms.

  ‘She claims to be too short still,’ Dov said.

  ‘I am! Look!’ Gila stood on tiptoes to try to reach the top of the sukkah.

  ‘One more year, I reckon,’ I told her. I took some branches and spread them across the roof myself. The simple action took me back, far back, to when I was younger than Gila, watching Uri doing the same thing. Dov and Gila, meanwhile, took on a side of the sukkah each, twisting fronds in and out of the wooden supports. It took us quite a long time to cover the structure, and when we finally stepped back to look at it, I was impressed.

  ‘Wow, we’ve surpassed ourselves. Isn’t it bigger than usual?’

  ‘Yes, Nathan built the frame,’ Gila said blithely, not realising the effect on me of her casual naming.

  ‘We’ll have to get him to do it every time, this one’s miles stronger than we’ve ever managed before,’ Dov said. ‘Let’s go inside.’

  We crowded together in the centre of the structure, sunlight flitting through the leaves on the roof to cast patterns on our faces. I breathed in deeply, loving that scent of foliage, of childhood freedom. Mum put her head in and asked if we wanted our lunch in there, and we chorused ‘yes’ as though we were little children. She handed through plates of sandwiches, and the three of us sat on the ground to eat them, enjoying the annual novelty of being in an outside house.

  Dov pushed his hand against a wall. ‘Solid as a rock. Do you remember that year it fell down the minute Jonny put a branch on the roof?’ He started laughing at the memory, and Gila joined in, though she was, I was sure, too young to have been there.

  ‘Weren’t you in it at the time?’ I said to Dov, and he – doubled up and now laughing too much to answer – nodded.

  ‘I’ve got a confession,’ I went on. ‘I did lean on it a bit to encourage i
t to collapse on you.’

  ‘No!’ Dov, still laughing, grabbed my arm and gave me a weak Jewish burn, a pinching thing we used to do as kids. ‘I can’t believe you would suddenly confess to that after all these years!’

  ‘Aliza’s full of surprises,’ a voice said from outside, and moments later Nathan was squashed in with us too. He made sure to sit next to Dov, not touching Gila or me, but he still seemed very close, almost as close as he had been that day on the tube.

  ‘Like it?’ he said, and it felt that the question was directed at me.

  ‘It’s the best ever,’ I replied, colouring. Were we talking about the sukkah?

  ‘We were saying,’ Dov said, ‘that we must get you to build this every year. We have never managed one so big that actually stayed up.’

  ‘Well, who knows where I’ll be next year?’ Nathan said, smiling. ‘A lot can happen in that sort of time, isn’t that right, Aliza?’

  ‘I guess so,’ I said. ‘I’ll, er, go and see if Mum needs some help.’ I wriggled past Nathan and got out of the sukkah before my face burned up.

  Mum was washing up and roped me into drying. It was a lovely familiar thing to do, and I quickly got back into the old rhythm. We talked about neutral things: the sukkah, Gila’s school, the illnesses of various older relatives.

  ‘Are you staying for supper?’ she asked, as I put away the last of the dishes.

  ‘I’d love to, but I said I’d be back early afternoon.’

  ‘It’s nearly three,’ Mum said.

  ‘Oh no, is it? Sh—’ I almost swore. I kissed her hurriedly instead, and grabbed my things. ‘Sorry, Mum, I’d better run.’

  She looked at me oddly. ‘See you soon.’

  ‘Al, I’m so sorry, I lost track of time.’ I burst into the flat, breathless from running.

  Alex was sitting on the sofa reading a book. He didn’t look up, or say anything.

  I sat next to him and tried to get him to look at me. ‘We can do whatever you like. I really am sorry.’

  ‘No, I’m sorry. Sorry that I’m not as much fun to hang out with as Genevieve.’