Steel

by Jeanne St. James

  “We fit, Kat.”

  “Do we?”

  “You don’t think so? I’ve... Fuck! I’ve never wanted a woman to stay before. I’ve never even fucking considered it, Kat. Until now.”

  “I’m flattered, but...” Her brow furrowed and she still avoided his gaze. “This is not my home.”

  “You have no family in LA.”

  “I have no family here.”

  “I have family here...”

  “Your team? Everyone who lives in that compound?”

  “Yes. All of them. Blood isn’t always family; family isn’t always blood,” he spat out the saying he’d heard too often between his team and the DAMC. They said it often because it was true.

  “I know that all too well, Steel. But this...” She waved a hand between them. “This was a business transaction. You were hired to protect me.”

  His nostrils flared and he took a step back. Goddamn it. She was looking for any excuse to leave. “And I failed.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying. Don’t twist my words.”

  “I failed, Kat. I know I fucking failed. I’m not twisting anything.”

  “You were hired to be my bodyguard until my stalker was caught. He’s been caught. It’s over. What’s left?”

  “If you can’t see what’s left, then you’re blind. You’re ignoring what’s right in front of your face, Kat.”

  “Am I?” she whispered. “What I see is a man who wants to make decisions for me. He wants me to change my life to fit with his. I’m not that type of person, Steel. I never have been, never will be. I’m not her.”

  “Asking you to stay in Shadow Valley is not making decisions for you.”

  “Again, you didn’t ask.”

  “Fine. You want me to fucking ask? I’ll fucking ask. Will you stay in Shadow Valley?”

  “And then what, Steel? If I stay, then what? Will you try to bend me to your will? We both have strong personalities; eventually something will have to give. And I know it won’t be you. Honestly, I’m not willing to give up my freedom, my choices for anybody.”

  A muscle in his jaw popped as he ground his teeth. “I’m not just anybody.”

  “Maybe not. But...” Her voice caught. “But... I can’t. Please understand that. I won’t lose myself. I will not lose everything I fought to gain because of one person. I promised myself that a long time ago and I need to keep that promise.”

  “You feel nothing for me?”

  “I respect you.”

  Damn, that hurt. Steel rubbed a palm over his chest. A weak attempt at soothing the sharp pain that shot through it.

  “Answer me honestly. Would you come to LA and give up everything you have here? Would you come out there to support me and my career?”

  He was tempted to say yes, but that would be a lie. And she’d know it. “You’ve got nothing in LA.”

  Kat closed her eyes and nodded her head. “Thanks for that answer. That was everything I needed to know.”

  “The ketamine is probably still in your system. You’ve been through a trauma. Give it a few days. When you’re more rested and thinking straight.” Now he was grasping at any straw he could find. He wasn’t ready to give her up.

  “I wasn’t knocked out the whole time I was tied up in the back of your Jeep with Henry. I had hours and hours to think about my life. To reflect on where I came from, where I went, where I was going if I survived. I had a chance to evaluate everything.”

  “Including us.”

  “Is there an ‘us,’ Steel? An ‘us’ would be Steel and Kat. But you know what I’ve heard? Men around here—not just your team—call me ‘your woman.’ Not Kat. Your woman.”

  “You’re going to penalize me for that? For something so fucking petty?”

  “Maybe it’s petty to you, but it’s not to me. It tells me what the mindset is. The same mindset I left behind in Indiana. I ran away from that. I refuse to run toward it.”

  He was done. If she couldn’t see what they had, then...

  Then, no amount of convincing would remove those blinders.

  If she didn’t think they were worth fighting for, then he needed to face the fucking truth. Whether he liked it or not.

  He kept his voice steady as he said, “I’m not McGill. I won’t force you into something you don’t want. If you don’t want to be with me, I have no choice but to accept it. And I’m not going to beg. I want you here, Kat, but I want you here because you want to be here. If you don’t want to be here, then I’m not stopping you from leaving.”

  “My flight is at one.”

  Fucking Christ.

  Every cell in his body screamed at him when he said, “I’ll take you to the airport.”

  “I ordered a car.”

  Steel turned away and stared through the glass into his condo. He needed to go inside because, for fuck’s sake, he was about to drop to his knees and do what he didn’t want to do, which was fucking beg for her to stay, plead with her to give him a chance.

  And if he did that, he might as well cut off his fucking balls and hand them to her on a platter. Or buy himself a locking cock cage and give her the key.

  He wanted her, but he was not going to give up himself to have her. Just like she wasn’t willing to do the same.

  So, they were at a stalemate.

  Two fighters, standing in their respective corners across the ring, neither willing to take the first step toward the center.

  Neither would win.

  But both of them would lose by default.

  “Lock the door when you leave,” he said, jerking the slider open and slamming it shut behind him.

  Without a lot of thought, he gathered his shit, went down to his garage and uncovered his custom Fat Boy.

  And he rode until his balls were blue, his tank empty and she was long gone.

  Chapter Twenty

  A low whistle greeted him as he stepped under the light in one corner of the warehouse.

  “Fuck,” Ryder muttered, shaking his head.

  A few other curses rose around the poker table someone had found at an estate auction and paid twenty bucks for. They had also scrounged six mismatched chairs at a yard sale and now had a permanent place for their poker games.

  Somewhere no one gave a fuck if they smoked cigars while they played.

  Or drank.

  Or came to the table with a black eye, a busted lip, two broken ribs and a don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.

  Or so Steel thought. That last part might not be quite true since he was getting eyeballed hard by the five others sitting around that table.

  Before even planting his ass in the only empty chair left, he snagged the bottle of Jack which sat like a beacon in the middle of the table and a red plastic cup from a bag on the floor next to Brick’s chair, then filled it to the point so when he was done, he’d be numb to the pain.

  “Know better than that,” Ryder grumbled with a frown.

  “You can’t drink, but I can,” he said, but regretted it the second it came out.

  Luckily, everyone at that table already knew he was a miserable son of a bitch so Ryder didn’t take offense.

  But maybe he was spoiling for another fight.

  He settled into his chair and let about a quarter of what he poured slide down his throat. With a grimace, he waited out the burn and then wiped his hand across his stinging, swollen mouth.

  Hunter slid a can of pop in front of him. “Want a little cola to help that shit go down easier?”

  No, he wanted to feel the burn, what felt like acid eating at his gut. “Nope.”

  That got him an answering sigh.

  This wasn’t the first time he’d shown up at the warehouse wearing the results of a lost underground fight, so he was surprised they were commenting at all.

  “Who’s dealing?” he asked when no one moved to begin the game. Instead, they continued to stare at him. Like he was a circus monkey or something.

  “Not you, apparently,” Walker mumbled next to him.
>
  “Didn’t want to fucking deal anyway,” Steel grumbled, ignoring the obvious double meaning and stacking some chips on the green felt in front of him instead.

  “Well, you coming in looking like that again, shows you’re not dealing with shit.”

  Seemed like they weren’t going to let this shit go.

  He knew he wasn’t dealing well with Kat going back to LA. He didn’t need to hear it from his team.

  It had been over a month now. He should be over it.

  Should be, but wasn’t.

  He needed to get the fuck over it.

  It was done.

  Over.

  Finished.

  That fact was underlined by the nice chunk of change direct deposited into his account a couple days after Kat had left.

  He hadn’t touched that fucking money.

  Not a fucking dime.

  In fact, he should donate it all to the new foundation that Ellie was talking about starting. One that would help amputees.

  She’d probably appreciate his help. Unlike Kat.

  Steel closed his eyes and swallowed down the “fuck” that almost escaped.

  Never did he think that a woman could derail his life, but one did. And he wasn’t sure how to get it back on track.

  “Can’t hide your emotional pain with physical pain, asshole.” Mercy’s grumble made him open his eyes.

  Steel was still the center of attention. Oh fucking joy. “Maybe my skills aren’t where I thought they were.”

  Mercy’s chair creaked as he leaned forward, his silver eyes narrowed. “Keep lying to yourself. Keep taking those hits. Keep taking the losses. Eventually, you won’t feel shit.”

  Wasn’t that the point?

  “You can’t keep doin’ this to yourself, brother,” Ryder said softly. “You’re gonna end up dead. You don’t lose fights. You’re too good for that. We all fuckin’ know that. You’re losin’ them on purpose.”

  “You’re really gonna be a stubborn fuck and not go after her?” Walker asked, shaking his head. “Are you going to continue to wallow in your own fucking misery?”

  “She’s independent. She doesn’t want that to change.”

  He didn’t, either. That was one thing he loved about her.

  Jesus fucking Christ. Here he went with that fucking L word again. It was more dangerous than an IED.

  “You two would be perfect together. Two stubborn fucks,” Brick announced, finishing off his beer and crushing the can in his fist before tossing it toward a nearby five-gallon bucket and completely missing. The aluminum can bouncing across the concrete echoed through the cavernous warehouse. “You know if you’re still mooning after her after a month, it’s true loooooooove.” The kissing noises added onto the end of his sing-song words added a nice touch. If you were five.

  Apparently, Brick was in the mood for a direct shot to the face. He was too pretty, anyway.

  “And anyway, we’re tired of seeing your ugly, depressing puss. Those bruises only make it worse,” Mercy added.

  “You’ve got no room to talk,” Steel said under his breath.

  “I’ve got bionic hearing, asshole,” Mercy said.

  “Yeah? Well, I meant for you to hear it.” He lifted his cup and drained the remainder of the whiskey into his gullet, letting it burn his insides and hoping the numbness would kick in soon.

  “For fuck’s sake,” Mercy exploded. “Was I this wretched when Rissa went back to Vegas?”

  A resounding “fuck yes” circled the table.

  “You fuckers should have shot me,” Mercy grumbled, shaking his head.

  “You weren’t much better.” Brick elbowed Ryder in the ribs. “We were just spared from it because you went to hide in Chicago.” He turned toward Hunter. “You had a case of head-up-the-ass-itis, too. It only took a baseball bat to make you see reality.”

  Walker raised both palms before he was next on Brick’s list. “Hey, I admitted defeat early. I saved you all from suffering along with me.” He turned to Steel, his blue eyes serious. “Go to her, you stupid ass. Kiss her goddamn feet. Tell her you’ll be her sex slave. Tell her that when you offer to give her a massage, you’ll actually wait ten minutes before trying to stick it in, instead of thirty seconds. That gets them every time.”

  “Yeah, I can’t take much more of this shit,” Ryder said, also way too serious. “Either go to her or get the fuck over it.”

  “If you decide to go to her, you already have that website for cock cages favorited, so that’s half the battle,” Hunter snickered.

  “If I chase after her, I’m no better than McGill.”

  “That’s what you think?” Mercy asked. And the big guy actually rolled his eyes. “Are you that motherfucking dumb? Nobody can be on this team and be that fucking dumb.” He glanced around the table. “Can they?”

  “You plan on knocking her out before fucking her?” Hunter raised his hand. “No, don’t answer that. I could see that being some sort of freaky sex play between the two of you.”

  “Unless you plan on druggin’ her and wearin’ her skin as a coat, you’re nothin’ like McGill,” Ryder stated.

  “Only McGill’s lotion wasn’t actual lotion,” Brick reminded them.

  A few groans circled the table.

  “Last thing I need is relationship advice from you fuckers,” Steel growled, his neck twisted toward Brick. “Especially you, Mr. Swipe Right, Exit Left.”

  “Yeah, he has to keep swiping right because no sane woman wants to share his bed with his MK-11, his one true love.” Walker added kissing sounds on the end of that.

  “More reliable and faithful than pussy,” Brick grumbled with a shrug. “And easier to clear a jam.”

  “Don’t be a hopeless fuck like him,” Mercy said to Steel as he jerked his chin at Brick. “Look how happy I am with Rissa in my life.” He faked an awkward toothy smile.

  The man might be bullshitting, but the only time Steel ever saw that block of ice at the end of the table melt was when he looked at his woman.

  Fuck.

  His woman.

  They thought of Rissa not as Rissa or Parris, but as Mercy’s woman. And it was the same for the other women who belonged to the men sitting around the table.

  Jesus fuck.

  The other women who belonged to the men...

  Kat’s point was now smacking him right in the face.

  She would be considered Steel’s woman. At least by the men sitting around that table. By the bikers living in the compound. And even by some of the sisterhood. Especially the women who grew up in the misogynist community of the MC, where women were considered property.

  “You all just want me to suffer like the rest of you,” he mumbled because they were all waiting for a response.

  “If you think coming home to a warm fucking meal and a willing woman in my bed is suffering...” Hunter trailed off with a grin.

  “Kat’s never going to do that shit.”

  Brick snorted. “Well, in your case, coming home and being sucker punched. A little bit of grappling, a couple choke holds later and...”

  “Fucked up foreplay,” Ryder said. “But, hey, whatever works for you.”

  “Are you going to ride my ass all night or are we going to play poker?” Steel finally grumbled.

  Mercy grinned. A real one this time. “Who said we can’t multitask?”

  Brick slammed the bottle of Jack in front of Steel. “Buckle up, Buttercup. Game on.”

  “You need to get your head on straight, Kat. I never should’ve let him take you to Pennsylvania. You haven’t been the same since.”

  Berger didn’t let Steel take her. Steel didn’t give Berger a choice. Just like he hadn’t given Kat a choice. That was just Steel’s way. A take control of the situation type of man.

  It was just who he was.

  “It’s over,” she murmured.

  “Your career is not fucking over,” Berger growled as he double-checked her gloves.

  “Not my career.” She was do
ne wallowing in self-pity. “But you’re right, I need to get my head back on straight.”

  “This fight’s a good start. It’ll be an easy win. You need to get your mojo back.”

  Her mojo. The same mojo that went missing the second she stepped on that plane back in Pittsburgh.

  She thought getting on that plane and heading home would return her to being Kat Callahan, champion MMA fighter, instead of a victim.

  Or a job.

  Or Steel’s woman.

  She grimaced.

  But being Kat Callahan right now felt empty. Lonely. The only thing she had to hold onto was her career.

  She loved her career. But as she laid in an empty bed one night in her too quiet condo in LA, she realized it wasn’t the only thing she loved.

  Somehow she had fallen in love with a man nicknamed Steel. Someone who could handle what she did as a living, who she was as a person, and who wasn’t turned off by her strength or determination. Or her goals.

  “We fit, Kat.”

  She had to admit, he was right.

  “You’re ignoring what’s right in front of your face, Kat.”

  Yes, again he was right, because she had been. At the time, all she could see was the same of what was expected of her from her family when she lived in Indiana.

  But not once had Steel asked that of her.

  At least at that point. It didn’t mean he never would.

  Would he ask her to be his wife, the mother of his children? Did he even want that? She never asked. Maybe because she was afraid of the answer. Afraid of the disappointment. Afraid of being labeled ‘not normal’ for not wanting those things.

  Her family saw her as an oddity. Someone who was broken for not wanting to settle down with a family at a young age.

  It wasn’t like she never wanted a family of her own. Maybe one day. Until she was ready, she refused to be pushed in that direction. It needed to be on her terms.

  Not anyone else’s. Not her father’s.

  Not any man’s.

  “I’m not just anybody.”

  Did she fuck up?

  Yes, damn it, she fucked up.

  She really fucked up. She didn’t even given Steel a chance.

  She now realized why.