All About Me

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  “So you want to me to break your neck? Dora gave me hell for earlier on. She wants to protect India, which means that she’s going to break up with me if I don’t keep you away.”

  I turn around and pace for some time. This is India’s secret and I can’t tell him anything. Then I think, fuck it. I have to have Jacob on my side, and if he doesn’t know the truth, he is never going to help me.

  Somehow I manage to talk him into going back home. His hot date with Dora has to wait and in some ways I make him feel guilty, so he follows. It starts raining halfway through, and by the time we get home we are both soaked. Jacob already made up his mind about my cruelty and I get it. After the incident on Saturday, all the girls are avoiding me. It takes me a while to fill him in with the terrible story. India went through a lot and I trust Jacob to keep this to himself. He needs to understand we are both guilty; I more than her.

  I go through my past, talk about my dead brother, the party, his funeral and finally my big master plan. When the bullshit is over I show him the letters that she wrote to me, the proof that I need to see a shrink, because no one hates me as much as India right now. This story is personal and sad. Jacob stops reading halfway through and stares at me with terror in his eyes. I explain the rest, feeling like I’m violating India again. Jacob’s shock only confirms that I’m stuck in the real world. I can’t act irresponsible and immature anymore. India has grown and it’s time for me to do the same. Jacob shakes his head a few times, scanning India’s handwriting and breathing too fast.

  I realised that I loved her as soon as I pulled that prank, and my anger faded. I get it, I didn’t protect her, but how was I supposed to?

  “She might have ruined your life, but you broke her, Olie. You can’t change what you’ve done. I get it, I really do, but India isn’t the same anymore.”

  Do I have to tell him that she is the love of my life? If that’s what it takes for him to help me, I will. She won’t accept an apology. Now, after the letter, this isn’t simple anymore. My pulse races when I think about her and these past moments together that never seemed real.

  “I’m going to do anything in my power to fix this, but I need people on my side. This whole thing is completely fucked up. It might take me months to make her trust me again, but I’m willing to wait. She’s the one that I have to fight for, even if she’s burning with hate for me.”

  “And you didn’t know?” he asks, pausing like he needs to take a few deep breaths. “That she was raped? You had no idea what happened at that party?”

  I slam my fists into the wall, losing my mind again. Jacob doesn’t move, watching me with a shocked expression on his face.

  “She never told me, and then she just started hurting me. Fuck! I should have suspected something. All these years holding that huge grudge.”

  “Dora must know. When we were in Gargle I knew that something was up. India looked uncomfortable all the time.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I won’t bother her, but I need to come up with something, Jacob. She has to trust me again.”

  He doesn’t respond for a very long time, breathing heavily and rubbing his hands over his jeans. I hate the silence. She apologised to me, so why won’t I just let her go?

  “Listen, Oliver, I know that this is bad timing, but I’ve got to tell you something. Russell kept asking her out before she started sorting out things with you, and yesterday she agreed to. date him. It’s over, man. She is off the market because you fucked up. They are officially dating.”

  I stare at him for ages, digesting his words slowly and carefully. I must look like a complete moron right now. India has chosen Evans over me. I tangle my hands in my hair, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to breathe. This is how she is paying me back. I hurt her and she starts dating the guy I can’t stand. It takes me a moment to regain my control and Jacob is watching me all the time. India is much stronger than I thought. She is already fighting back, showing me that my pranks can only go so far.

  “It doesn’t matter. She loves me. I heard her say it in the restaurant. Those three words came straight from her heart,” I assure him.

  “I don’t know what you expect, man. You have to wait until this thing blows over before you consider your options. I’m sorry to say it, but it’s a lost cause. Russell won’t let her go now that they are going out.”

  “He fucking doesn’t own her. She’s only doing it to get back at me. She sent the letters when we were together, knowing that we were going to do something special during that weekend. She was certain then that I felt the same way.”

  “What do you want me to do?” Jacob asks.

  “Don’t do anything yet. Be on my side and please keep the letters to yourself.”

  He agrees, not convinced that he should leave this in my hands. Dora hates my guts and Jacob is in a difficult situation. Despite how long we’ve known each other, he is in love and if he has to choose, he will take Dora’s side.

  Jacob disappears from my room, leaving me with my own thoughts. For a second I want to bang my head against the wall. I could have turned this whole thing around. I treated her like garbage when she arrived and that in spite that, she still apologised. We were together and we were happy.

  All these years, I tried to convince myself that my love for her had faded. As soon as she was in my life again, these new emotions turned me into some monster that realised too late that love is unconditional and doesn’t just disappear.

  Jacob wouldn’t joke about the fact that India is dating Russell. I’ve seen him around her. I’ve warned him to keep away from her. That she was off-limits. Obviously, he doesn’t care what I think. After all, she is single now. Those few short weeks that we had together don’t mean anything now.

  For years I’ve been building a wall of hatred between us, and if I want to crush it, I’m going have to work really hard. My mind won’t stop working and when I go to bed, thoughts about India keep suffocating one after another, bringing me down. She went through hell and then Christian died without paying for what he’d done. Even after the funeral she probably felt like she couldn’t tell anyone what happened that night. In some ways, I understand why she was holding back the truth. Christian was so perfect that no one would have believed her. She was his girlfriend, so why would he want to hurt her? But he raped her and then crashed his car. India was trying to protect herself, and I was the only one that could help her ease the pain.

  When morning comes I struggle to get out of bed, only because I’m faced with the fact that now India belongs to someone else. It’s my second year, and if I want to keep playing, I need to keep training hard without any breaks. My first two classes are starting in an hour. My housemate told me that Jacob got up early and left, heading toward campus. Jhonny is already stoned, but he tells me later that he is going to Uni in the afternoon.

  I throw some clothes on myself and head out, knowing that I need to keep away from trouble. India needs to see that I didn’t just dump her for someone else. She has to see that I can control my temper. Jacob is right. I fucked up with her, so I have to stay away for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks. Wait until all that drama blows over. This whole thing seems like a huge task, but I’m going to do anything I can to make her trust me again, to make her love me again.

  Chapter Five

  Decisions.

  Present

  Sports development class drags longer than it should. Jacob hasn’t shown up, and I have a funny feeling that he isn’t fully convinced I’m ready to change. I can’t wait to finally see her. She probably won’t even look at me, but that’s OK for now.

  Straight after the class, I head to fitness and training, followed by advance psychology. Nothing stuck in my head, and all the girls kept glancing at me, giggling, probably wondering with whom I’m going to go out next. They can think what they want, but at the end of the day, the only person worth my attention doesn’t want me anymore.

  I want to scream that the only girl I was ever interested in is now wit
h some douche and I screwed up badly. It’s easier to stay away from her. Maybe this will work in my favour.

  Everyone keeps staring at me. I hear snickers and giggles. All the eyes in the canteen follow me as I pick up some food. My shoulder is aching and when a few guys from my team call me to their table, I ignore them, waving them off. I’m not in the mood for any discussion about India. In the past everyone knew who I was sleeping with. This time I want to keep my business to myself.

  “Hey, Oliver, how are you?”

  A familiar voice startles me and I already regret that I chose to sit alone, because MacKenzie slides herself next to me. She’s showing off her tanned legs, but I dart my eyes away from her, knowing that she is bad news. Fine, we had some good times together, but I never promised her anything. It was all about sex—no commitment or attachment. Plus, she was a total bitch to India, locking her in that changing room.

  “What the hell do you want, MacKenzie? I’m not in the mood for your bitching,” I snap, maybe slightly out of line. I want her to fuck off and give me peace. Right now I’m not in the best of moods.

  “Come on, darling, I’m here to cheer you up a little. I heard what happened between you and India, and I want to tell you how sorry I am,” she says, caressing my arm.

  Her touch only makes me angrier. Who the hell does she think she is? We fucked, yeah, but a long time ago I told her that I didn’t want to commit. I glance back at my team’s table. They’re looking at me, probably wondering if I’m going to get back with fucking MacKenzie now. Not one them gets it that she was only there to stop me from thinking about the past. I never wanted to be the same person I was in Gargle.

  “You don’t need to cheer me up. I’m fine, and what happened between India and me is none of your business. I told you before to stay away from me, didn’t I?”

  Maybe I’m a total asshole, but, hell, MacKenzie is a snake. She wants to be around me and she is more determined than anyone else I know.

  She frowns a little before she gives me that wide smile, tossing her hair behind her. “Oh, baby, it’s not easy for me to keep my distance. We were great together, don’t you remember?”

  Her hand is still stroking my tense muscles and then all of a sudden, the air in the canteen changes and all the conversation begins to die down. When I glance at the door, my mouth goes dry because India walks in holding hands with that prick, looking relaxed and happy. My chest heaves and I’m ready to get up and kill him because he has his sloppy arms around her waist. My reasonable side shouts to stay calm. She is not mine. She never has been, so I have no right to claim her.

  India looks stunning. Her long hair is flowing around her shoulders. Her eyes dart away from the prick and meet mine for a split moment. That smile automatically disappears from her face, and then she spots MacKenzie. The alarm goes off in my head, but it’s already too late. India sees her with me. I’m so furious with myself I can’t even push MacKenzie away. Slowly all the conversation and snickers in the canteen are back, although the tension flares up. My heart hammers in my chest. After a moment, I manage to push away my numb body and move MacKenzie’s hand away.

  “Me and you, it was just sex and that’s all. We are never going to be together. I might have ruined my chance with India, but no one else ever will be good enough. Just leave before I lose the last bit of control that I have left.”

  Her eyes dilate, but that smile doesn’t disappear from her face. She has a reputation to preserve. “Too bad. I thought that we could at least help each other. After all, you are single.”

  She doesn’t wait for my response. Instead she gets up and walks away, shaking her arse. My knuckles are white, I’m squeezing them so hard. This is so fucking typical. I came here to prove to India that I’m grieving after her, and now she’s seen MacKenzie with me.

  “Hey, man, I see that you’re working our girl again. I was planning to ask her out, but I guess I’m going to step back,” says Terry, one of my teammates, loudly enough for everyone in the canteen to hear.

  That is it! I get up so fast that he can’t even anticipate my next movement. I’m just about to smash my fist into his face, but then I freeze. I glance over at people. Everyone is staring at me. I can’t keep losing it. I let go of Terry and stroll away from the canteen, hearing whispers in the background. My breathing is laboured and I stop for a moment by the stairs in an attempt to slow down my racing heart. I need to back off a little, start controlling my temper and emotions. Jacob is right: everyone thinks that I’m single again, so the girls won’t stop piling in front of me just because my monogamous relationship trial has failed. My head is screwed.

  The past few weeks I spent with India were the happiest in my life, but I have no clue how to make her look at me again with the same warmth and love as before. In the end of the day, I have to stay away from all girls at parties. They are trouble. India needs to see that I’m not going back to my old self. Raw emotions will only keep building and I have to set my new plan in motion; otherwise I’ll never get her back.

  In the evening, my attempts to relax are going nowhere. Jacob is out. He is probably with Dora and India, while I’m with Jhonny, my stoned roommate. Only a couple of weeks ago, the four of us went out, and now Evans has taken my place. This fucks me right off. My internal voice tells me that it’s my own fault and if I really want to get her back, I need to deal with the past, possibly with my screwed-up mother. That time after the funeral when we tried to talk, she kept bringing too many bad memories and, as usual, she made me mad. So I didn’t give her a chance to explain. Yet again, India was there for me and now I have to start all over again.

  ***

  After my conversation with Jacob, I push myself into a deep, roaring hole and stay there for exactly three weeks without talking or even looking at India. This is supposed to be easy, but after knowing what caused her to turn on me, I feel like I have moved backwards. Every time I look at my face in the mirror, I see Christian. It’s like he is shadowing my every movement, laughing all the way back from hell. India is still his and I have no chance for redemption.

  I feel numb going to classes, playing rugby and just living, knowing that I haven’t done anything to deserve her. I eat lunch alone, keeping away from the canteen, from her. I’m not hiding, but I’m trying to make this easier for India. People are talking about me more than they normally would. Guys from the team keep asking me if there is something wrong with me, why I haven’t been out lately. Since receiving her letters, I haven’t shown up at any party or been with any other girl. I think the only way to get her back is to just start from friendship, show her that I’m happy being around without actually wanting anything in return.

  With each passing day I feel emptied of any positive energy. I have been thinking about what’s happened to her. In some ways, she has already made me pay for what Christian had done to her; by bullying me. Because of her I was hated by the whole school, had no friends or even a girlfriend. Yeah, I pushed the boat too far, but I was the one that suffered through what is supposed to be the best years of my life in high school.

  The whole university has been inundated with rumours, and I want people to stop talking about me. Being the centre of attention doesn’t work anymore. I’m keeping my distance and waiting for India’s anger to fade before I set my plan into motion. Dora has a big mouth and she won’t let me anywhere near India. All my actions have to be calculated because hatred burns in her heart. The truth is ugly and it drives me insane. I realised too late how much I love her.

  Three long weeks feels like three months without India. Jacob is talking to me, refusing to accept the fact that I haven’t given up yet. A few times I pick up my phone to call my mother, but in the end I chicken out. She might be the key to all that’s gone wrong, but I’m too proud to just let go.

  On Thursday night, I’m in the living room getting stoned with Jhonny, who looks like he is going to pass out on the sofa next to me. Malcolm is stuffing his face with popcorn, and I can’t concent
rate much on the screen. My mind constantly works on my ideas of gaining her forgiveness. The words seem useless. I have to show her that my old life is behind me and that I only want friendship for now, that’s all. As it starts raining outside, I hear the door and a few seconds later Jacob strolls into the living room.

  “Hey, morons,” he chimes, putting his training bag on the floor.

  “Hey, loser, want a puff?” asks Jhonny, who is suddenly awake but stoned as hell. I need to play it cool with Jacob. He hasn’t been at home much lately, and he is the only person that has any information about India. Real fucking information, not rumours.

  “No, I’m off this shit, man. I’m off to the cinema and I need to get a shower,” he states, giving me a nod.

  Jhonny mutters something under his breath about appreciation. For a split second I feel like I need to run after him and ask him about his plans, but I choose not to, because a new idea starts to form in my chest.

  “Hey, man, what are you going to see?” Malcolm shouts after him.

  “Watchmen,” Jacob shouts back.

  I smile to myself, thinking that Jacob just gave me the perfect opportunity to talk to India without any witnesses. An hour later when he leaves, I run upstairs to my laptop and search the show times. Dora hates films like that, but India would watch anything, and I bet that Jacob is going out with her. I miss seeing her, touching her, and now I finally would probably have the chance to talk to her, to apologise if she’ll let me. I know that my apology doesn’t mean much right now. India has to see that I’ve grown, that I get what she went through, and only friendship will seal us back together.

  I leave the house half an hour later. There is a tension in my neck and my stomach churns thinking about the gamble I’m trying to pull off. There is only one cinema in Braxton and the film doesn’t start until late. Twenty minutes later I walk in and get the ticket to another film that starts at the same time as Watchmen. I have a feeling in my gut that India, Dora, and Jacob are going to show up in a few minutes. At the end of the day, I have to find a nice, quiet spot and wait. I’ve known India for years and it’s always the same with her. She drinks a lot, and almost every time she has to use the toilet. If I can speak to her alone, maybe she will at least listen to me.