All About Me

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  I pick up all my stuff and head off, going around the building. My muscles ache, but I’m pumped with the unexpected victory. The boys probably are waiting for me in the house.

  I take a shortcut towards the campus. Jacob left earlier to pick Dora up, but I wanted to take my time, pick up my thoughts about what to do next with getting India back.

  I pass the building, heading towards the car park, when I hear a conversation.

  “How long is he going to take? He is worse than you. Come on, Jacob is waiting for me.”

  I stop, recognising Dora’s voice.

  “I don’t know. Just give him five more minutes. Jacob is organising a party with Oliver anyway,” India says. They both don’t know that I’m just around the corner, aiming to pass through the car park, and unwillingly listening to them. I hesitate for a split second, knowing that the last thing I want is to have another argument with Dora. Yeah, I might have scored the most points, but India doesn’t care. In her eyes, I’m still a piece of shit that broke her heart.

  “Yeah, him and the fucking Oliver,” Dora snarls. “Did you know that he apologised to his ex-girlfriend Rhian, acting like he cared that he hurt her?”

  I stop breathing, listening in.

  Fuck, how does Dora know about this?

  “Rhian, the girl that he went out with before we—”

  “When he was pretending that he loved you, yeah. He went out with her for like two weeks and then dumped her for you. Apparently she had fallen in love with him, from what I heard,” Dora continues. “I overhead her talking to some girls about Oliver the other night.”

  I think she is wrong. Rhian couldn’t have fallen in love with me. Could she?

  “I don’t care what he did, Dora. He needs to start acting like a real man, not like his brother,” India says, and I imagine the look at her face when she is saying that. Fuck, her words are crushing me. Obviously, my apology letter meant jack shit to her.

  “Hold on and listen to this. Rhian was devastated when she caught Malcolm with MacKenzie in the Robinsons’s party. She was in the back of the house, crying her eyes out. Then Oliver showed up. That prick comforted her. If you ask me, I think he was pretending. He didn’t really care if Rhian was upset or not.”

  “Hold on. They talked and he was acting like he cared that she was upset?” India asked.

  “Oliver apologised. He said that he realised too late that he hurt her. I don’t remember the whole conversation, but I think he said that he shouldn’t have gone out with her anyway, because he cared for you, but he didn't know that at the time.”

  I clench my fists, really wanting to teach Dora a lesson. She doesn’t believe that this apology was genuine.

  “You know, in the restaurant I really thought that he had changed, that the past was behind us.”

  My heart is breaking again, over and over. I want to come out of my hiding hole and tell her that I finally understand what she went through. That I’m ready for another shot. Fuck, no, she doesn’t want me.

  “He is too cocky and too caught up with his own perfect self to notice what kind of damage he does to other people, India. I think you’re better off without him.”

  “You’re right. Now I’m glad that I sent those letters to him. At least I don’t have to carry any more secrets. It’s over.” She sighs. “But it’s strange that he apologised to Rhian. Maybe he finally understands that he can’t carry on behaving like he does.”

  Dora laughs. “Don’t be silly. He is showing off. There are probably plenty of girls like Rhian on campus. At least Russell is not a liar.”

  India says something else that I can’t hear. Then I hear someone else approaching. I recognise Evans.

  I stand by the wall, closing my eyes and squeezing my jaw tight. I apologised to Rhian because I wanted to. I didn’t expect Dora to bring this up, but fuck, even now India doesn’t think that I’ve changed. I hear them getting into Evans’s car. Shortly after that the car park is deserted and I’m alone. Harsh wind ruffles my hair and I drag my feet forward towards campus, knowing that I might never get another chance with her. The damage is done; she doesn’t believe in anything I do.

  Dora is right: I used to use girls, sleep with them and then move on to the next one. It’s obvious that India thinks that my apology to Rhian is just one those of games that I play. I take a longer route, thinking and analysing until I get home.

  Chapter Twelve

  More.

  Present

  I manage to drift off to sleep for a few hours, as the sudden exhaustion and misery hit me out of the blue. By the time I wake up and change, the boys are over with the buzz. Jacob leaves, telling me that he has to smooth things with Dora, so I’m left to entertain the crowd and make sure that my team has an unforgettable party. Evans hasn’t shown up, but he is part of the team whether he likes it or not, and I have to accept that without him, we wouldn’t have won. Jhonny puts the music on and the boys are getting into the party mood. India is in my head and I desperately want to talk to her.

  For a moment I just want to drink and get pushed into that oblivion where I don’t have to feel guilty, even if it only works for a few hours or so. When Jacob arrives just after nine, I leave the boys with him and vanish upstairs to get my head around what I heard earlier on. India blocked my profile on Facebook, so I can’t even check what she is up to. Nothing is going the way I planned. She can’t be happy with Evans. It’s her choice, but my chest feels like it’s going to explode if I can’t ever hold her again.

  Drinking myself to death won’t change anything. The boys are wasted when I arrive downstairs after two in the morning. There are a few empty bottles of vodka on the table, but most of them are out, sleeping wherever they were sitting last. I switch off the music, get some drinks from the fridge, and head upstairs. It looks like Jacob has also gone upstairs to his room.

  After an hour or so of constant tossing and turning, I decide to go for a walk to clear my head. It’s late at night, around three in the morning, when I start moving through the streets around my neighbourhood. Ideas are piling up in my head, and even though India doesn’t want me now, I can wait. Patience is a virtue, as people say.

  I like the streets immersed in silence. Most of the students party until late, but it’s late now even for them. It’s the best time for a walk. The temperature drops to nearly below zero, even though it’s April. Soon it’s only me, surrounded by old Victorian terraced houses and streetlights. The letter wasn’t enough, even with my speech, so now it’s time to push this further.

  I feel better being alone, and when I’m just about to turn around to get back to my street, I spot a figure moving in a zigzag pattern towards me. I stop abruptly and widen my eyes, wondering if maybe it’s a fucking dream. India—it’s India. I would recognise her anywhere, shining in the darkness. At first I can’t believe my luck, but then it’s clear to me that something is wrong.

  She is drunk! She can’t even walk straight, and she’s muttering to herself. It makes me fucking angry that that prick let her out on her own in the middle of the night where she could have been raped or attacked. I swallow hard, telling myself not to freak, and I approach her.

  “Hey, India, are you all right?” I ask softly when she finally spots me. Okay, she is really, really drunk, so drunk that her hatred for me has been burned out and she no longer hates me.

  “Oliver, I’ve been… looking everywhere for you,” she blurts out, giggling, not getting her balance right.

  Don’t fucking shout, just stay calm, you asshole.

  My heart pounds and I’m ready to kill that bastard for letting her out on her own in this state. Breathing through my nose, I say, “Come on, India, let’s get you home.”

  “Let me tell you a secret. I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” she says and loses her balance this time around. I catch her before she hurts herself falling on the ground. My hands move around her waist and my pulse starts pounding one hundred miles an hour. Easy there, I think, inhal
ing her scent deeply into my lungs. My cock goes hard in an instant and my mind isn’t registering the fact that just a couple of hours ago she wouldn’t dare touch me.

  “I’m taking you home to bed,” I say though gritted teeth.

  India laughs, mumbling something that I can’t understand. My house is a few blocks away and there is no way that she can walk. The reasonable thing to do would be to call that prick or Jacob and get her back to the apartment on campus. Fuck me, sometimes I can be a reasonable guy, but right now I want her to wake up in my bed and then talk. I lift her up and push her over my shoulder. She giggles and tells me to put her back down.

  There is no way I’m letting you go by yourself, my star, I think, wanting to keep her forever. She doesn’t weigh much, but she keeps wiggling, so by the time I reach the house I’m sweating like a pig. Yeah, she made me work out and tomorrow I’ll be aching like hell.

  Silently I open the door and carry her upstairs. She is barely conscious now, passed out from the alcohol. She could never handle drinking much, always a lightweight. I place her in my bed and stand, taking a few deep breaths. She looks beautiful, lying there where she should be. Slowly I start taking her shoes off, trying not to wake her. Her feet are dirty, but I can’t worry about this now. Her clothes stink of cigarette smoke and vomit. I can’t even understand how she was able to stay awake until now. She must have drunk quite a lot.

  Her trousers go next, revealing her perfect, long legs. Everything is how it should be. India is with me and I’m going to wait until she wakes up so we can talk. She’s wearing black panties with a matching bra. God, I can’t even imagine how much I want to make love to her. She has been through a lot of pain. If she lets me, I can fix it, make this pain go away. Her body is perfect and it wrecks me that we had so many lost moments; that, a few weeks before the events in the restaurant she touched my soul, bringing me to the happiest place, and was there for me. I run my finger over her stomach, enjoying the view. She mumbles in her sleep. My apology obviously made a slight impact on her. She doesn’t normally drink, but tonight she did.

  I push the cover over her and situate myself on the other side. When I glance at the clock it’s nearly 4:00 a.m. My lids are heavy, but I don’t want to fall asleep. I want to watch her and wait until she wakes up. This conversation is going to be a blessing and I can’t miss anything. Her breathing is even, her hair beautiful. She shines even in her sleep, making me want to look at her forever.

  An hour passes and I still look at her. Time is not on my side because I can’t keep my eyes open. Exhaustion slowly takes over and I’m pulled into the darkness.

  Someone bangs on my door, and for a split second I don’t know where I am. I open my eyes and get up abruptly, recognising my own room. It’s light outside and the spot next to me is empty. The banging doesn’t stop, and when I jump out of bed my whole body screams with pain. Yeah, I should have expected it today. I took a hell of a beating yesterday, so I feel like someone hit me with a tractor.

  “What?” I ask, opening the door.

  “Everyone is going for a full English, man. You up for it?” Ryan asks, one of my teammates.

  “Have you seen India?” I demand, pushing by him to the corridor. I check the bathroom, but it’s empty. I fucked up again, falling asleep.

  “Olie, are you sure you’re all right? India wasn’t here yesterday, man,” he says, looking at me with a concerned expression on his face.

  I already know that she isn’t downstairs. She sneaked out when I was asleep.

  “I’m fine. No, I don’t want breakfast. You guys go,” I tell him.

  “Whatever, man. Nice game yesterday.”

  Then he strolls off, leaving me alone. Okay, I lost it there a little. I’m fucking positive that India was in my bed yesterday. Her clothes are missing, so she vanished after realising that she ended up in my bed.

  Shower, I need a cold shower. I have a hard-on just thinking about her. I have never gone so long without sex, but India is worth waiting for. When I think about the shower, another scene comes to me. The one from many years ago.

  Past

  I was seventeen when it happened. Every time I laid eyes on her I’d get a hard-on. My brother dealt with his sexual frustration a different way. I didn’t want to think what he was doing to India behind closed doors. She always looked so miserable whenever I saw her in school the next day. There were days when I wanted to rip her away from his arms because I feared that he was hurting her.

  My mind was always filled with fantasies about her. What if we were together? What if Christian had never been born? It was during one of those days when I was coming home from the gym early and my parents were gone. Mother had left with Dad for the first time in years. I heard them arguing about this not long ago in the kitchen.

  In the past two months I’d been working out. No one knew about this, and it was the only thing that kept me sane since my pathetic mother’s illness got worse. India, Christian, and Bryan were in the living room watching some movies as I walked in. It was early evening and, as usual when my parents weren’t at home, Christian had invited his buddies over.

  “Hey, loser,” shouted Bryan. “Are you still a virgin? It’s about time for you to shag a bird.”

  That prick was showing off in front of my brother. Christian looked at me for a brief second, not saying anything. My brother never directly insulted me, but he let other people do it, just for fun.

  India blushed, smiling at me. She had a bottle of beer in her hand. Christian always encouraged her to drink. I didn’t get why, but he kept saying that she had to chill out more.

  “Fuck you,” I snapped and went upstairs. Christian wasn’t a big fan of that prick, but they were always together, like he couldn’t get rid of him.

  I’d had a great workout at the gym. I’d chosen a small sports centre, which was situated out of town. It was easier not to be recognised there. Back in my room, I stripped off my clothes and headed to the shower.

  Warm water felt good. Tomorrow all my muscles were going to hurt. It had been only a couple of weeks, but I’d already started losing that fat around my stomach. My mother was probably going to be back later or tomorrow morning. Christian would get pissed along with that loser Bryan, and as usual, my stupid mother would blame me for the mess. Better bail in the morning before the row began. It fucked me off that my perfect brother got away with everything.

  The water surged over my body. I started washing my hair as I heard the door open.

  “Fuck off, Christian,” I shouted, knowing that my brother liked to take a leak while I was occupying the bathroom. When there was no response, I let the water wash soap out of my face and looked around. India stood by the door, staring at me. She was flushed and smiling, which meant that she’d drunk a little bit more than she could handle.

  She could see me. Within a few seconds, I was fully hard and not moving at all. She just stood there watching me.

  “Get out of here before Christian catches you,” I said to her, but my voice was barely audible, like I didn’t want her to move. She was wearing a tank top and shorts and had caught some sun, and she looked so good it made my chest tight. We both were aware of my apparent erection.

  “They went to the store to get some beer,” she said. “They asked me to get drunk. They said that I’m too uptight.”

  Fucking pricks.

  I looked at her for a few more seconds and then I pushed the shower door open. I was naked and stepped back into the bathroom in front of India. My long hair was stuck to my body. Her eyes met mine and then she bit her lip, pushing my thoughts away to another universe. No other girl had seen me naked and exposed before. As her eyes hovered over mine, I didn’t feel humiliated but instead, horny as hell. She blushed and darted her eyes down to my chest. Her pupils dilated as she began moving her eyes downwards, getting me hotter and harder. My head swam and surging heat rolled over the nape of my neck. My heart pumped more blood to my veins. I wanted to devour her trembling bod
y. Even with her clothes on, I was ready to ignore the world around us and just keep staring at her. She was everything I’d ever dreamed of. Her beautiful face and those glowing eyes were making me want to bury myself inside her.

  She lifted her hand and her fingers traced my wet chest, her hand shaking while my body raged with desire. I wanted more. Her touch was like a thunderstorm on my skin and I wanted to grab her and pull her closer to me. I didn’t care that my brother could walk in on us at any time. When her hand moved down to my pulsing hardness, I thought that I was going to come in front of her. I had to close my eyes, restraining myself from touching her. Wave after wave of heat spread through my naked body.

  “Oliver, you’re so beautiful,” she said as her hands moved away back to my chest. This was all too much for me to take. I had been dreaming about her for years, always thought she hadn’t even noticed me. She was drunk now, so she wasn’t in control of her faculties. I knew alcohol affected her that way.

  “India, why are you with him? He doesn’t make you happy.”

  “He has control over me and I can’t break away,” she replied.

  “He doesn’t own you, India. Christian is just a spoiled brat. He noticed the way I was looking at you when we both showed up at school with my mother, and that’s why he asked you out all those years ago. He was playing a game with me, to prove that he was better than me. ”

  Her lips started to tremble as her eyes acknowledged what I said. For that one moment, I thought that she was going to go back downstairs and tell my brother that it was over between them. Instead, she dropped her eyes and mumbled, “I have to go, Oliver. You are making me swoon and I can’t breathe when I’m around you.”