Phoenix Rising

by Lagomarsino, Giulia

  CHAPTER TWO

  Chance

  “Oh my God,” I groaned as I sat down on my bed. Cap had been serious when he said he moved my beds and pillows into the panic room, and I had never been so grateful to that man. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the softness of the mattress and the clean smell since I hadn’t used these beds before. But the longer I laid there, the more I thought about that damn dirt floor that I had slept on for a long year.

  The smell of dirt replaced the clean smell of my hypoallergenic pillows and the softness of the bed was replaced with the feeling of bugs crawling over my body. The blanket felt scratchy against my skin to the point that I started to wiggle to get the feel off me.

  “Everything okay over there?” Morgan asked. I opened my eyes and sat up, trying to appear completely normal.

  “Fine, just breaking in the new bed.”

  “I can think of better ways to do that than wiggling around.” She wiggled her eyes suggestively but then Payton walked in the room, halting our conversation.

  “I think I’ll go take a shower. I feel gross after the drive.”

  I wasn’t fooling her. She knew that my obsession with showers was growing by the day. There was rarely a day that I took less than six showers. Every time, I rubbed my skin clean until I felt like I would be scraping the bone.

  “Sure, I’m going to get Payton settled into her room and then unpack.”

  I nodded and headed for the bathroom. I couldn’t get my clothes off fast enough, and under the water. I glanced at the clothes strewn on the floor and was tempted to just throw them away. Even the washer didn’t feel like it would get them clean enough.

  I picked up the washcloth and poured on the soap. As I looked down at my hands, I could see every slight dirt mark and every crevice that could hold even the smallest amount of dirt, and started scrubbing. The bathroom was completely steamed up when Morgan stepped into the shower and wrapped her arms around me.

  “Vanessa is with Kayla, so she said she would keep an eye on Payton.” She took the washcloth from my hands and anger thrummed through me.

  “I don’t need a fucking babysitter,” I said as I slammed the handle down on the water. She snatched my hand and pulled it to her.

  “Hey, I didn’t say that you did.” She turned the water back on and filled the washcloth with soap again. “There’s nothing wrong with me wanting to be here to support you. Do you think that I don’t understand?”

  “I don’t pretend to understand what’s going on in your head. We haven’t shared enough for me to know what happened.”

  She nodded and turned my palm over, slowly washing the pads of my fingers. “The first week I was at Wes’s house, he kept me in a cellar. There was only a bucket for me to pee in and a small window for light. That first night was terrifying and the worst I thought it would ever be.”

  I looked up into her eyes, but she didn’t show me what she was feeling. She was completely numb right now.

  “When a woman finally came down with dinner, I begged her to help me escape. I told her that I had been kidnapped and I was trying to get back to my daughter, but she just kept ignoring me. Wes came down the stairs and he shot her right in front of me.” I grabbed her chin gently and lifted her head so I could look into her eyes that were swimming with tears. “He killed her because I tried to get her to help me.”

  “He killed her because he was a monster.”

  She shook her head slightly and continued cleaning my hand. “He left her there for almost a week. The smell…I couldn’t eat or sleep, and when the rats came…” She took a deep, shuddering breath and wiped at her face. “What I’m trying to say is that I understand. I can’t sit on the floor because I slept there for a week with blood all around me. When we were in Colorado, one of the kids spilled a drink and the way it spread across the floor, it was like I was back in that cell. I just stood there staring, trying not to puke. Cara had to lead me out of the room. I guess she recognized the look on my face.”

  I didn’t respond and she didn’t say anything else the rest of my shower. She cleaned my entire body thoroughly, knowing that I needed to feel like the dirt was gone. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close to me after we were done. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have a woman like her, someone that understood me so well and didn’t judge me for it. She was my angel.

  But even my angel wouldn’t be able to save me, and deep down, I knew that things were going to get worse before they got better. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself yet. In my head, I was strong and I could pull myself out of this funk. I just had to put on a good face in front of people. Demons would always be around. I knew that from when I was in the SEALs. But it was how you dealt with all that pain and horror after that determined the course of your life. I had learned to bottle it all up once before and I could do it again.

  So, that’s what I did. I ignored the images when they entered my head. I forced them from my mind and smiled along with everyone else. I sat and had dinner with Raegan’s parents and enjoyed the home cooked meal. Everything appeared fine. That night, I did the same thing I did every night. I fucked Morgan and pretended to fall asleep with her. I held her in my arms as long as I could, until the demons broke through my mind.

  The whip cracked against my skin.

  I closed my eyes and fought the pain.

  The heat pressed in on me from all sides, suffocating me until I felt like I would pass out.

  I forced myself to take a deep breath and fight the onslaught of panic.

  The dark night loomed above me. The deadened sound of the night was a reminder of how alone I was and the fact that I would never see anyone I loved again. I would die in this hole, staring at a dark sky.

  I sat on the edge of the bed, head in my hands as I tried to stop the images flashing before me. The nightmares were terrible. Some nights I was fine, but most nights I only managed a few hours of sleep. I scrubbed at my face and tried to shake the feel of sweat and dirt off, but it wasn’t working. Suffocation wrapped around my chest until I had to get up and head into the bathroom so I didn’t wake up Morgan when I started freaking the fuck out.

  I slid down the wall, my arms gripping my body to control the shivers racing through me, and hung my head between my knees as I tried to draw a full breath. The heat from that damn coffin I had been stuck in was overwhelming. Logically, I knew that I wasn’t in it, but my head wasn’t exactly on board with what my body was feeling. Tremors wracked my body and spots filled my vision. As much as I tried, I couldn’t pull myself out of whatever the hell this was. I felt myself slipping down to the floor and I curled in a ball, praying that the heat, sweat, and fear would be over soon.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Morgan

  As soon as Chance got up, I rolled over and walked quietly to the bathroom door. I could hear his harsh breathing coming in fast pants and knew it was happening again. This was the third time in just a few weeks that he had woken up in the middle of the night with a major panic attack. At least, that’s what I assumed they were. I couldn’t let this keep happening. He needed help and it wasn’t something I knew how to give.

  Flinging the bedroom door open, I ran down the hall looking for someone to help me. I was surprised when I ran into Rocco in the hallway. I hadn’t realized he would be staying here. When he saw the panic on my face, he turned all business.

  “What’s going on?”

  “It’s Chance. He’s having a panic attack and it’s pretty bad.”

  Rocco took off down the hall and stormed into the room. It only took him a second to realize that he was in the bathroom. He walked in, immediately dimming the light so that it wasn’t so bright in there. Maybe it was too stimulating.

  “Chance,” Rocco said as he knelt down beside him. Chance was curled up on his side, facing the wall. His back was on full display for Rocco to see, something that he never even wanted me to see. It was badly torn up and the raised scars weren’t the worst of it. He had burn marks that
pulled at his skin and still looked extremely painful.

  “How often does this happen?” Rocco asked as he rolled Chance onto his back. Chance just stared up at the ceiling with a far off look. It was like he wasn’t even in the room anymore. His breathing was still coming in fast pants and sweat was beading on his face and down his chest. “Morgan,” Rocco said, snapping me out of my examination.

  “Um…he’s had them at least three times that I know of. This is the worst I’ve seen.”

  “Does he always space out like this?”

  “No, from what I’ve seen, it’s usually just panic. I’ve been able to sit with him until he could calm down before.”

  “That’s not going to work this time.”

  Rocco stood suddenly and ran out of the room, returning just moments later with a bag. He dug around quickly and pulled out a syringe. Tears pricked my eyes as I watched him inject something into Chance’s arm. It was so wrong for such a strong man to be struggling like this. I desperately wanted to know what exactly was causing this to happen, but I didn’t think Chance would actually tell me.

  “What do we do now?”

  “We wait. I gave him something to help with the panic, but he needs more than that. He should be seeing a doctor about this. Why didn’t you say anything to anyone?” he accused.

  “I…” I shook my head as the situation flooded through me. “I hadn’t realized that I was supposed to say something. I had assumed that Chance had this under control or that my interference wouldn’t be wanted.”

  “This isn’t the time to think about his feelings. He needs help and he needs you to be strong for him, even if he doesn’t realize it.”

  “It’s not like any of you were paying attention,” I snapped. I felt like my back was up against the wall. This was all new to me and I was dealing with my own issues. Why was he placing all the blame on me? Was it not enough that I had a daughter that had been missing for over a year and my own fucked up brain to deal with? Now I was supposed to be watching over Chance like he was my number one priority?

  “That’s enough.” Rocco and I both turned to the door where Storm was standing. I hadn’t realized that he was there or that he was staying here either. Now I was feeling bombarded from all sides. “This isn’t her fault.”

  “She’s the one that’s with him the most. She should have been watching and telling us that something was wrong.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Storm came further into the room, filling the space with his large frame. “Do you have any fucking clue what she’s been through? Because I was there when she was struggling to find her daughter. I know what kind of sadistic fuck she was with over the last year. You have no right to put this on her,” he said angrily.

  Rocco looked to me and shook his head. “I’m sorry. You’re right.” He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. “Help me get him into bed.”

  Storm nodded to me as he walked past and headed over to grab Chance’s feet. He was breathing easier now and looked like he was drifting off to sleep. I wondered if he could hear us. He would be pissed that everyone was talking about him like he was an invalid. Chance prided himself on being able to hold his own, for holding on as long as he had under the torture he had gone through.

  Rocco walked up to me and squeezed my arm. “I’m sorry for putting this on you. But in the morning, we need to have a talk with Cap. This can’t keep happening. He needs help.”

  “He was dealing with it,” I said dumbly. “He didn’t want to talk about it and…”

  “I know, but that wasn’t just a panic attack. That was a flashback. There’s no way Cap will let him go back to work if he can’t get it under control. It’s better to get ahead of this before it gets out of control.”

  “Wait, I’m confused. Why wouldn’t Cap let him go back to work? Isn’t work what’s going to keep him going and pull through?”

  “It’s not enough for him to just pull through,” Rocco said. “If he doesn’t really deal with this, he could be out on a job when another flashback hits. Hell, it could happen to any one of us, but the amount of time that he was gone and the frequency of his panic attacks, it’s more likely to happen to him. Anything could set him off and it could get him killed or anyone with him.”

  “So, it would put people in danger,” I said, just a little angry that it seemed he was only concerned about how Chance’s flashbacks could affect everyone else.

  Rocco stared at me knowingly. “That’s not all. That’s why he wouldn’t be able to go back to work. Look, I get that he doesn’t want to talk about what happened and he doesn’t want everyone in his business. PTSD makes a lot of us feel like failures or weak. But this isn’t just about how he feels. There are consequences for keeping that shit bottled up inside. Did you know there are about twenty suicides every day between active military and veterans? That’s over seven thousand suicide deaths every year.”

  I shook my head instantly. “No, Chance is so strong. He would never-”

  “A lot of guys would never. It doesn’t matter how strong you are. Having your brain fucked like that isn’t a quick fix and it’s not a situation where you just assume the person will be fine.”

  “I hadn’t realized…”

  “A lot of people don’t,” Rocco said quietly. “Being in the military is a huge sacrifice that a lot of men and women don’t realize until it’s too late.”

  “So, you regret it?”

  “Not a single fucking day, but I don’t have it as bad as some.”

  He turned and left the room without another word and then Storm followed, seeming uncomfortable to continue the conversation either. I walked over to the bed and sat down beside Chance, watching him sleep. He seemed so peaceful now, but I wondered if he was just trapped inside his head. With a sigh, I laid down beside him and rested my hand on his chest. I knew that I had my own stuff to deal with, but he had stayed on that island for my daughter and I hadn’t even realized how much help he needed. How far would it have gotten if I hadn’t found Rocco tonight? Would he have tried to kill the pain? Would he have slipped away before I had a chance to have a life with him?

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Storm

  Morgan looked like she needed someone to lean on right now, but that person wasn’t me. I had left the military and all my friends behind so that I could escape that shit. Then, when Reed Security was attacked, I needed help to find Craig and reached out to the men that I had walked away from. It had practically killed me to swallow my tongue and go crawling back on my hands and knees for help. Of course, they didn’t see it that way. They were happy to see me, to know that I was alive after I had walked away from them and my life.

  Now, here I was, back in the thick of it, staying with a woman that had been kidnapped and a man that had been tortured. I had surrounded myself with ex-military and a family of men and women that were so tight, it was suffocating.

  “Storm.”

  I spun around and glanced at Rocco before heading back to my room.

  “I need you tomorrow, man. You’re going to have to be there when I talk to Cap. You saw that.”

  “I’m not getting involved. I’m not part of the team.”

  “It doesn’t fucking matter. You saw what Chance was like in there. Are you really telling me you’re going to walk away from someone that needs your help?”

  “This isn’t my fight.”

  “None of this was your fight, but you went along anyway. You fought beside us. You went out of your way to get Craig back when he was taken. Don’t tell me that this doesn’t concern you.”

  I clenched my jaw in frustration. He just didn’t understand. I didn’t want this anymore. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get involved and risk losing more. If I went into Cap’s office and put in my two cents, I would be involved. I couldn’t say that a man needed help and then walk away.

  “What’s your plan for tomorrow?” I finally asked. “Are you just gonna walk in there and lay it out or are you going to talk to Chance
first?”

  “Talk to Chance. I won’t go behind his back.”

  “Fine, just let me know when you want to do it.”