She's Not Here

by Mandi Lynn

  “I don’t know,” Willow said. Her voice was soft, barely a whisper.

  “You took the vaccine,” he said. Randy let go of her hand and backed away. He was shaking and swayed a bit. The room was spinning but for some reason he stood steady. “You took the same vaccine as Sam.”

  Willow was still as she laid in her bed. She looked her husband up and down, but all she could see was his anger reverberating off his body. She wanted to disappear.

  “You could die,” Randy said. His voice was firm but broken. He had his hand out, but he wasn’t steady enough to move forward. He longed to touch his wife, to hold her in his arms again, but there were some moments that he looked at her and saw a monster. He loved her too much, maybe so much that he never saw what she was going through. He saw her, her curly hair, her blue eyes and pink, flushed skin and yet he still saw the young women he married so many years ago.

  Willow closed her eyes and let her head fall into the pillow. The rash on her arm was burning and only burned more when she touched it, but for a moment she used that pain to ground herself. She would rather be in pain than dead. She would rather be in pain than to lose herself to dementia.

  “I’m already dying,” she said. A tear skimmed across her cheek, her eyes never opened. Her lip gutted out with each breath she took. “I’ll be just like my father.”

  Randy fell into the chair next to Willow’s bed. He took her hand in his and ran his fingers across each of hers. He was seeing her for the first time: the dark circles around her eyes, the hair that had lost its luster, maybe even thinned, the way her hands seemed lifeless. Everything about her body seemed like it had given up. And her spirit, he knew her spirit had been damaged ever since she had lost her father, but he had no idea to what extent.

  “I won’t let that happen to you,” he said. She opened her eyes to look at him and he leaned forward to his touch his forehead to hers. Her skin was muggy and cold. “I’ll take care of you.”

  Her eyes were dark, the rims red. She was there, but he also knew he was already beginning to lose her. She was a stranger sitting in the hospital bed. If he wanted, he could pretend this was just one of his patients. Examine her, determine the next steps, and leave. Part of him wanted to do that and ignore that this was happening. But there was a part of him that, when he touched her hand, he felt like he was home.

  “When did you take the vaccine?” he asked. He couldn’t look at her. He wanted to see Willow, to love her, but each time he saw her face, it wasn’t her who was staring back anymore.

  “I don’t remember,” she said. Her voice was fading, edging away.

  “Willow, try to remember. I need to know so I can get you help.”

  “I don’t know!” She let her voice raise, her arms raising to her head and slamming down again at her sides. She was jittery, like she needed to do something but wasn’t sure what that thing was. “That’s—that’s why I took the vaccine, Randy, so I don’t end up like my father, but it’s not working!”

  “It’s not working because there’s nothing to fix!” He stood and the motion pushed the chair farther behind him. She wouldn’t listen. No matter how many times he tried to tell her she was okay, she insisted she was losing her memory. The matter made him want to walk out the door. He knew he could talk to her for hours trying to convince her why she’s okay and why she didn’t need the vaccine, but it would be no use. Her memory was fine, but something else was much worse.

  “Then why don’t I remember?” Tears were welling up in Willow’s eyes. They poured down her cheeks in thick streams and when she spoke, the words came out nasally. “I don’t want to be like my dad.”

  Her words were softer this time, though they were lost in hiccups as she spoke. Her chest was heaving and soon it was all she could do but cry. She wasn’t sure how long she had been crying, and after a few moments she forgot why she was crying. All she knew was that it was something she needed to do, something she couldn’t stop herself from doing.

  Randy sat beside her in the open space on her bed. He pulled her into his arms and the moment she touched his skin she curled into him. She continued to let the sobs take over her body. As the seconds passed, her breathing slowed and the tears stopped.

  He didn’t dare disrupt the silence. He let her stay in his arms and he listened to her breathing as she drifted off into sleep. He rubbed her back and closed his eyes, giving himself a moment to pretend the vaccine never existed.

  Chapter 36

  “We need to get Sam out of this hospital,” Avery said. Her words were rushed and she was pacing as she spoke. She was still in the hospital, too terrified to leave Sam there alone.

  “What’s wrong, sweetie?” Shelly said.

  “I—” Avery’s words got caught in her throat. “I don’t know, but Sam started coughing again and shaking, and I didn’t know what to do. Nurses came in and helped her, but they wouldn’t tell me what was going on.”

  “Okay, Avery, deep breaths.” Shelly spoke on the other line, but she could hear her saying something else but her voice was muffled.

  “I don’t think they’re trying to help her. I just, when I was in there, it felt like something was off. I’m not sure what, but when I look at Sam, she’s terrified, like she’s trapped.”

  There was a pause on Shelly’s end of the line before she spoke. “Paul,” she heard her say. Her voice sounded farther away, like she was holding the phone away as she spoke.

  “We’re going to get Sam out of there. Your grandfather has been talking to a lawyer about what’s been going on, and she wants us to get Sam out of here as soon as possible.”

  Avery was still out in the halls. People were moving in crowds around her but no one took much notice of her.

  “What’s going to happen?” Avery asked.

  “Sam is going to be transferred to a new hospital where they can treat her better and during that time, our lawyer would like to look into Sam’s health records and find out if the doctors here really did do everything in their control to help Sam.”

  Avery almost dropped the phone. Would a doctor put a patient at risk? It had been thoughts that had been running through her head whenever she visited Sam, but she always pushed the thoughts away because it seemed possible for a doctor to do anything but good.

  “Avery, where are you now?” Paul said. He must have taken the phone out of Shelly’s hand.

  “I’m still at the hospital,” she said.

  “Good, I need you to stay there. We weren’t going to do this until tomorrow, but I’m going to call our lawyer and see if we can get Sam out of there today. I need you to go back up to her room and stay with her until we get there, okay?”

  “Okay,” she said. Her voice was hushed and she could feel her body swaying, barely able to keep up with what was going on.

  “We’ll see you in a little bit,” he said, hanging up the phone.

  Avery felt like she was in a daze when she got off the phone. She wasn’t sure what her grandparents’ lawyer had in mind or what they thought they might find, but she only hoped it meant that Sam would get the help she needed soon.

  When Avery made her way back to Sam’s room, the corners of Sam’s lips creased into a smile, but the light in her eyes was faded. The longer Avery looked at Sam, the more it seemed like she was sinking it the sheets of the bed, just one whisper away from disappearing.

  She didn’t know what to say to her. The two girls stared at each other in silence, neither knowing what to say to the other. Did Sam know she was being transferred to a new hospital?

  The time passed in slow lulls. A TV was turned on at the end of Sam’s bed and they both watched a movie, but Avery couldn’t stop herself from glancing at the clock every few minutes waiting to see how much time had passed.

  When Shelly and Paul finally arrived, both the girls jumped awake.

  “Sam,” Shelly said. She walked into the room and went straight to Sam’s bedside. Sam’s eyes followed her as Shelly worked to check everything that Sam
was hooked up to. Avery was positive that Shelly knew almost nothing about the medical devices, but it looked like she was looking them over out of habit rather than of knowledge. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine,” she said. Her voice was coated with a sandpaper texture.

  “We’re working to get you out of here as quick as we can. Until then, Avery is going to stay with you, okay?”

  Sam nodded her head and as soon as Shelly turned away Avery should see Sam fall back into the pillows and let her body blend into the mattress.

  Shelly turned to Avery. “Just call if you need anything,” she said, wrapping her arms around Avery for a quick hug.

  “I will,” Avery said, burying her face into her grandmother’s shoulder before she stepped away and left.

  “I’m not going home, am I?” Sam said. She didn’t look at Avery when she spoke, her eyes still fixated somewhere out the window. Avery thought she could see Sam’s eyes glossing over, just one blink away from crying, but she held her face.

  “No,” Avery said.

  “I’m going to another hospital,” she said. Her voice was wavering. A tear slipped down her cheek and rippled throughout the room.

  “The doctors at the other hospital will be able to help you.” She tried to instill confidence in her voice, but in truth she had no idea what was going on anymore.

  “Do you really think that or did Grandpa tell you that?” Sam said. She turned to look at Avery. Sam’s eyes were sunken in, her face was pale. She looked like another person from the last time she had seen her. Wasn’t that only a few hours ago?

  “They told me,” Sam said. Avery looked at her, how her body seemed to be getting smaller, her sentences getting shorter, and part of her began to forget what the old Sam was like. Sometimes there was a glimpse of the old Sam, moments where she laughed, and everything felt normal again, but in moments like this, when Sam was settled into the same hospital bed, Avery almost forgot Sam’s life before the hospital. Before the fire.

  “They told me I’ve been here a long time and that I should have been able to go home by now,” Sam said. She lifted her hands to graze them over the top of her sheets. Her eyes stared out at her hands, but never focused on them. For now, it seemed her world was a blur. “I don’t know how long I’ve been here.”

  “Over a month,” Avery said. She watched the way Sam’s hand skimmed every surface of the bed sheets. She could see the bones in each finger.

  “And off to another hospital,” Sam said. Her hands came to cover her face, her fingers long and slender across her cheek bones. “Do you think it will help?”

  Her face was still covered by her hands when Sam spoke. Avery watched she chest rise and fall, the rhythm growing faster as her heart sped and the tears flowed.

  “Sam, it’s okay,” she said.

  Avery came to the bedside and wrapped her arms around Sam’s shoulders. She felt Sam’s breaths come in frantic patterns, her mouth gaping open for more air.

  “Breathe,” Avery said. “Ready? Breathe in.” She took a deep breath and waited for Sam to follow suit. “Breathe out.” She released the breath of air and felt Sam follow in sync. They continued the breathing until Sam’s heart slowed and her eyes ran dry.

  “You didn’t answer my question,” Sam said after a long moment.

  Avery frowned and let her head fall onto Sam’s shoulder. Her skin was cold to the touch.

  “I don’t know,” Avery said. “But I hope so.”

  Sam didn’t say anything. Avery laid next to her in the hospital bed, listening to her breaths come and go. The room grew quiet and Avery began to count Sam’s breaths, each one growing longer and slower. She counted until she knew she was asleep.

  “Avery?” a whisper came into the room. Avery lifted her head off Sam’s shoulder and saw Shelly standing at the doorway.

  Avery stood from the bed, careful not to move Sam, and walked to the other side of the room to meet with Shelly. The bags under her eyes seemed heavier than usual, but there was a spark of hope that Avery hadn’t seen in a while.

  “Is everything okay?” Avery asked.

  “Paul is just finishing up some paperwork, but a team will be here in a few moments to transfer Sam to the other hospital.”

  And that’s when Sam’s words kept echoing through her mind. Do you think it will help?

  Chapter 37

  Randy left Willow in the hospital room overnight. He left having no plan of how to treat his wife or what to tell the other nurses. There was no easy explanation for the spikes in her bloodstream. His only hope was the same hope he held for Sam, that the vaccine would eventually fade from the bloodstream and the symptoms would disappear with time.

  “Dr. Ash, there’s a phone call for you on line two.” It was Terry who found Dr. Ash as he was returning to his office. When he heard her voice, the muscles in his back tensed.

  “Who is it?” He tried to calm himself, knowing that for now at least she wasn’t asking how Willow was.

  “Someone calling about Samantha Ellison.”

  He nodded his head and turned away from his office to find the nearest phone station.

  “Dr. Ash?” Terry said, stopping him in his tracks. “Proceed with caution.”

  He had hoped she said the words jokingly, but the light tone he normally heard in her voice was gone.

  Randy braced himself for the phone call as he walked to the nearest nurse’s station to pick up the phone. The odds that it was anyone but Paul or Shelly on the line were slim and judgingby their last encounter, he was almost certain it was Paul waiting for him on the line.

  “Sophie, there’s a call on line two for me?” he said as he approached the station. The young nurse behind the desk nodded her head.

  “I would take this one in the back,” she said. She pointed to the phone that was hanging on the wall behind her. Sophie pushed the empty desk chair that was next to her and pushed it towards the phone and into an inlet that the nurses used as a small break area.

  Randy frowned and looked at the room, the door ajar slightly.

  “Sophie, that won’t be necessary,” he said as he picked up the phone.

  “It might be,” she said, but giving him one final look of warning before she turned her back to him and faced the computer once again.

  “This is Dr. Ash speaking,” he said, picking up the phone. He stood just outside the small room, ready to slip through and close the door behind him if necessary.

  “Good evening, Dr. Ash. My name is Olivia Williams. I’m the attorney of Paul Rhea. I’m sure you know Paul. He’s the grandfather and guardian of your patient, Sam Ellison.” The women’s voice was crisp on the phone. She spoke with the sort of confidence that could crumble someone apart almost immediately. Randy looked over to Sophie who was already engrossed into her computer again. He stepped into the break room with the phone and shut the door behind him.

  “Yes, Sam is one of my patients,” he said.

  “So, I’m sure you’re aware that Sam has been one of your patients for some time now. Would you be able to tell me how long she’s been in your care?”

  The women was playing with him, he could hear it in her voice. She had no reason to question him. She knew the answers to everything she was about to ask. There was no judge or jury to prosecute him. It was just the two of them on the phone.

  “She’s been here for over a month now, as I’m sure you’re highly aware of,” he said. The annoyance was slipping off his tongue. He let the aggravation manifest. It was the only thing holding back his fear.

  “I’m well aware, thank you,” she said, kindness and manner sugar coating the message she was eager to deliver. “It’s been brought to my client’s attention that Sam was brought into Dover Memorial Hospital in order to get care for injuries she sustained as a result of a fire that occurred in her home, yet the treatment she’s been given doesn’t have to do with injuries that result from fire. I’m sure that you would agree that unless a patient had severe burns, there s
hould be no other reason for a patient to stay at a hospital for so long, correct?”

  He held the phone to his ear and tried to release the tension in his body. He needed to stay calm.

  “Correct,” he said.

  “According to Sam’s medical records, she hasn’t been treated for any injuries as a result of burns or a lack of oxygen to the lungs. Dr. Ash, can you tell me what she’s been getting treatment for?”

  “She’s been receiving MRIs to discover the cause of her seizures and other various symptoms that she’s been experiencing.”

  “That’s not what I’m asking,” Olivia said. He thought he could hear the smile in her voice over the phone. “What have you been treating Sam for?”

  “That’s what we’ve been trying to discover, Ms. Williams. Sam’s case has become complex. Her symptoms are not ones associated with inhaling too much smoke during a fire. My colleagues and I think that the symptoms Sam is experiencing have to do with something that either occurred or was beginning to surface before she was brought into our care.”

  “Do you have any record of this?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Dr. Ash, my client and I are requesting to take Sam Ellison out of your care, effective immediately. She will be transferring to another hospital, and we will need her health records prepared within the next hour for her transport.”

  He felt as if his veins were icing over. His bloodstream tingled with panic and fear, leaving him frozen in place. Sam was a walking piece of evidence. Her body, her bloodstream, was teaming with evidence of what Willow had done—of what they both had done. One look from another doctor and all heads would turn back to him.

  “I can prepare that,” he said into the line. His palms were sweating, holding the phone to his face. He leaned against the wall, thinking of the chair Sophie had offered before he began the call. It was on the other side of the door now.