Entangled Hearts

by Anastasia Sweet

  She’s looking back at him inquisitively, but openly. “What is it, Weldon?”

  “So, I was just thinking...we’re still going to dance, right?” He can’t imagine not dancing with her, even now, and he tells her so. “I don’t want to not dance with you.”

  Her mouth opens slightly, almost surprised. “Oh, Weldon, me either.” She’s shaking her head insistently. “No, of course we still have to dance. Did I…” she pauses for a second. “I didn’t make you think I didn’t want to dance with you anymore, did I? I mean, obviously we’re not competing anymore, but that doesn’t mean we can’t-”

  “No, Cia, it’s not you, I promise.” He shakes his head back in confirmation, brings a hand to rest on her arm. “I just realized we hadn’t talked about that part yet, and I needed to make sure.”

  “Okay,” she nods back. “Good, because I think if we stopped dancing altogether I’d go out of my mind a little. Well, a lot, actually.” Ciana mirrors him, putting her hand on his arm in the same way he’s doing with her. “Besides, once I do start in on my coursework I’m going to need it even more, I think. Some kind of outlet.”

  He’s glad. And not at all surprised she’s thought it through this way, planning ahead for her needs before she’s even gotten there yet.

  “Good. I’m meeting with Mervin and Estabella next month to do some planning. I’ll make sure we get to practice. And they’ll probably want to make sure you still drop in when you can.”

  She’s nodding again. “I’d like that. Please let me know when you meet with them, I’d like to come too.”

  “You can count on it.”

  Their shuttle bus pulls up then, and the crowd starts gathering their belongings and making their way. They link arms and follow the group, looking forward to one last summer evening in a beautiful city.

  *

  In the aftermath of their win, Ciana feels like she’s exhaling a long breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding back. There’s uncertainty ahead, but of a different kind than what she’d been contemplating a year ago. Knowing that she and Weldon are travelling separate paths - albeit on good terms - opens up possibilities she can now see more clearly. It’s her in charge of her career path now, only her, and the idea is both terrifying and freeing.

  She returns to her quiet apartment and spends the next few days organizing her life. She unpacks, shakes the dust out of the corners, remembers what her spare room office actually looks like. She buys groceries and resets her coffee machine to her new schedule. She checks her calendar and makes appointments with her trainers, her therapist, her chiropractor.

  There’s still remnants of her shared life with Weldon scattered all around her, both physical and imagined. Although his phone and charger have no longer taken up residence on the end table on his side of the bed, she thinks of it as ‘his’ side. Her kitchen cupboards are filled with staples he would work with - the coffee he switched them to once he realized she liked it better, the brand of pasta he preferred - “It’s whole grain, Cia, it would be dietician approved” - even a half-empty bottle of his vitamins.

  In the bottom of her laundry basket she discovers one of his t-shirts, a generic grey cotton thing he must have used for sleeping. She lets herself lift it towards her face, inhaling to see if it still smells like him - she’s surprised to find that it does, albeit only faintly. For a moment she considers keeping it, so she’ll have that little bit of him close to her - but then turns on her heel and finds a box, starts collecting the bits and pieces that she finds. Weldon deserves to know she’s not holding onto anything, and she deserves to let herself move on.

  She sits down and maps out the next six months of her life. Her roster of brand sponsorship engagements is still full, which she’s glad for, and she knows she’ll be continuing some consulting with Estabella and Mervin over the fall and winter, albeit not to the depth that Weldon is planning. Still, it’s the MBA program that’s the real target in her sights, and if she’s going to do it there’s no more avoiding it now. She’d almost forgotten she’d need to sit the GMAT along with securing her reference letters and transcripts in order to make the MBA admission requirements. She maps out a schedule that will get her application submitted and reviewed in the second round in January.

  In her mind’s eye she starts visualizing herself finishing the program, graduating in person and getting to walk across a stage and pick up her degree and shake hands. It excites her, makes her feel a bit of the same nervous anticipation as when she and Weldon had started mapping out their first year back in competitive ballroom dance. It's a good feeling, one she carries with her as she dives into her preparation over the next weeks and months.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Weldon and Ciana take the meeting with Estabella and Mervin as promised. Mervin is happy to see them still approaching some of their decisions as partners, and says as much to them out loud.

  “You have many years together, much to build on,” he says. “Your next years will bring new challenges for you individually, so keep the connections on the dance floor when you can. You may find you need it, in ways you’re not aware of yet.”

  Although he’s had no shortage of conversations about his and Ciana’s life in the last little while, Weldon finds himself still reassured to hear words like this from his mentor. Part of him felt like they were letting him and Estabella down, in their separation. He feels ridiculous now for having thought that.

  Estabella is especially glad they’ll both still be dancing together in some fashion, although she nudges them not to count out the exhibition performances just yet. She thinks there’s no reason they couldn’t at least keep some dance exhibitions in their calendar for a couple more years.

  “Give the practicing something to aim for, yes? Keep the creative momentum. Maybe the holiday dance show?”

  “Estabella, it’s barely fall yet,” Ciana reasons, and truly they’ve just made it past Labor Day weekend. “I need to figure out my studies, and Weldon’s going to have some pairs to work with…”

  “I know, I know, darling. I’m just saying, don’t hang your dancing shoes up just yet.”

  “Believe us, no one’s hanging it up yet,” Weldon interjects. Still, he takes her point. “But you’re right,” he admits, “it would be good to have something to aim for.”

  Ciana’s next to him, nodding. “We could do the holiday exhibition show this year, it’s been a while since we did that one, right?”

  “It would help us play around with something new,” he says, hoping she catches his drift.

  A knowing half-smile forms on her face and she nods. “Yes,” she agrees. “I think the old programs deserve a break for a while.”

  *

  Week by week, they fall into their new routines. Weldon registers for a proper coaching course for late summer, aiming at becoming formally qualified to take on more instructor duties at the studio and travel with his pairs. He’s now lead coach with the two junior ballroom dance couples he trained with the previous season, and partnering with Mervin to guide a few of the seniors. He leads a couple of group training sessions a couple of times a week. His duties also start to include guiding the junior couples through some sponsorship planning, and taking corporate meetings to establish funding and work out longer term plans.

  He also keeps up his connections with their fitness team, meeting with some of his old support team a couple of times a month, and starting to build a plan for joining their training group down the line. It’s refreshing, and rewarding, all of it.

  It’s good work and results in full days, so much so that he finds himself genuinely glad when his twice-weekly work outs and dance practices with Cia come around. If nothing else they help remind him how dancing feels when it’s familiar and just for him, and not just a form of teaching.

  “Hey, how’s it going, Coach?” she ribs him early one Tuesday as they’re getting ready.

  “This particular week, that is a hard question to answer,” he admits openly. They make th
eir way towards the polished wooden floor.

  “What’s the biggest thing?” she asks. Ciana always did attack things head on, he’s glad to be reminded.

  “I think this week it’s choreography. The senior dancers that went to their first competition came back with lots of feedback, and now we have figure it out with them. Mervin has some thoughts but he wants to hear mine, too.”

  “Good,” she says. “It’s right for you to be diving in.”

  “I know. It’s still a bit funny sometimes, though, starting to coach the same guys we were competing against a couple of years ago.”

  Ciana shrugs, taking his hand.

  “Yes, but none of them have four Dance Sport trophies, now do they?” She glances at him with a wink.

  “Well, no, that’s hard to deny,” he laughs. “How’s the studying?”

  “Okay, I think,” she says cautiously. “I’ve been prepping for the GMATs and should be able to sit them in November. And I’m doing three courses to finish up - two seminars and an independent project with a supervisor. Plus, it wouldn’t hurt to have three more possible references on my MBA application.”

  “Online again?”

  “No,” she says proudly. “I met with an admissions officer at Abel and we worked out options that will make sense for me to do in person.” She grins for a second. “I guess being a champion still has its privileges.”

  “Ah, that’s great, Cia,” he says. “That’ll be good experience for next year, right?”

  “I hope so. I just don’t want to have to wait another year.”

  “Would it be that long if you had to re-apply?”

  She thinks for a second. “Well, maybe not. They do a final application round in the spring, so if I had to I could still try again. But I’d rather not if I don’t have to.”

  “I’ll cross all my fingers for you. If you need anyone to quiz you for your test prep just let me know. I’m still just the next building over, remember,” he nudges her, momentarily breaking their hold.

  “I know, don’t worry. But it might be so boring you’ll be rushing back here before you know it.”

  “Fair enough,” he laughs. “Still, offer still stands.”

  “Are you still thinking we do the holiday dance extravaganza show in December?”

  “I’d like to. Be good to still stretch the muscles. You?”

  She nods. “Yes, I can make it work. We should start meeting with Sam in November, what do you think? Maybe when we’re back from Thanksgiving?”

  “It’s a plan."

  *

  True to her word, Ciana dives in to her studies, sticking to a weekly reading and lecture schedule, and keeping up her regular meetings with her supervisor. It’s exciting, getting to spend time on academics again, and in real classrooms, too, not just virtual. She’s started to get to know a few of her classmates in her seminar group, and although she’s a few years older than many of them it’s still nice to be in a cohort with others. It feels good, a few days a week getting to come home after a day on campus.

  It’s nice to keep dancing with Weldon, too. Her sessions with him turn out to be a bit of a sanity saver, just as predicted. Also not enough, in many ways, so she picks back up with a variety of dance classes to make sure she’s keeping up that part of her brain - and body. Some of the other dancers are in the mix there sometimes, and it’s nice to have familiar faces around her.

  It also doesn’t go unnoticed the way a few of the older students in her department start trying to charm her after a few weeks into the semester. There’s a nice looking PhD candidate who she’s run into a few times who’s asked her for coffee. He seems like a good guy, and Ciana’s flattered. She’s not sure at first, but then eventually says yes. There’s no strings attached, and she goes home with him one evening after seeing him for drinks a couple of times previously. She finds she doesn’t mind a bit of company now and again, but is far from ready to get seriously involved with someone just yet.

  Fall settles in, the air grows cooler, and her path ahead starts to feel a little firmer beneath her feet.

  *

  By the time he returns back from Thanksgiving, Weldon’s coaching duties have started to coalesce into more confident plans. He’s got his two junior couples’ dance programs into a better place, and they’re communicating well with each other. Co-coaching the senior dances with Mervin is taking shape, too, and he doesn’t hesitate anymore when giving directions or asking questions.

  As he settles into the colder months he also finds himself taking a stark perspective on his social life. While it’s been months since he and Ciana decided to part ways romantically, and while he doesn’t regret the decision they came to, he has to admit he hasn’t made any new strides in changing his social situation lately.

  Even more than a year out from their last win he’d felt so sure his then girlfriend Wanda was it for him - he could see the life he could make with her spread out in front of him like a path of stepping stones. And after their falling out...well. He’s not even sure he recognizes the boy who’d walked away with that first trophy. So confident and ready to grab everything the world handed him, so much less ready to listen and so much more ready to just move and go, unaware of how little time was really in front of him to make the choices that really mattered.

  Weldon talks it out a bit with his therapist in one of their monthly sessions, struggling a bit with how to actually move forward. He talks about how his goals and wants haven’t changed - he still wants to be at the next Dance Sport on the coaching side, he wants to make a family of his own and raise children. And intellectually, he knows he and Ciana will manage as friends instead of romantic partners - but practically speaking he doesn’t know how to actually take the next step with someone else.

  It’s different, now, compared to the other times in his life he’s been in the shadow of Dance Sport and confronted with new choices ahead. Comparing how he feels now to five years ago doesn’t seem to help.

  His therapist asks him questions about the partner he wants to share this next phase of his life with, after moving on from Ciana; What kind of qualities he would look for in her, and also what kind of qualities he would want this partnership - marriage, presumably - to bring out in himself.

  Weldon finds the words come faster than he’d expected. He hopes for someone warm, generous, funny. Someone who would understand about the schedule he keeps, someone who wouldn’t mind travelling with him when he’s coaching around the country and around the world. Someone who would put up with his huge family and circle of friends - dancing and otherwise.

  He starts his description wondering if he’s actually just describing Ciana all over again, and truthfully, a lot of those qualities would fit her, to a tee. But then when he starts visualizing it he realizes the woman doesn’t have a face, yet, it’s not just a Ciana-shaped person he sees in his mind. A few months ago he’s not sure he would have been able to say that, but he can, now.

  He leaves the session still feeling unsure how he’ll find this mystery woman, but his step is a bit lighter and he’s breathing a bit easier. One step at a time, he thinks. Just like always.

  *

  “You still planning on coming back for Christmas, honey?” her mother Nichole asks. It’s their weekly time for their video chat and Ciana’s trying to juggle both the conversation and her own dinner prep. It’s going...well, fine, actually.

  At this particular moment the food preparation is going a bit better than the conversation. She’s just finished chopping her vegetables and chicken to go into a stir fry, and is just now placing rice and water in the rice cooker. Cia, it’s the easiest thing. Just put in the rice and twice the water and the machine beeps when it’s done, it could not be simpler I swear. She still hears Weldon’s echo in her head when she’s in the kitchen, now - more often lately that she’s trying to practice it more often. Amazingly, she seems to be getting better at it.

  “Mom, of course I am, why would I miss Christmas? And anyway it�
��s still almost two months away.”

  “I know, it’s just that all four of you will probably be there this year again and I want to make sure everyone has a place.”

  “Oh, well sure, didn’t you put Gene’s daughter in my old room? And Joslyn and Grady in the guest room in the basement?”

  “Yes, I was thinking we’d do that again. They don’t need to sleep over, of course, it’s just nice to have a full house for Christmas Eve.”

  “That’s what we did last year, right? I thought we made everyone fit okay,” she thinks out loud, only partly paying attention. She wets her hand under the faucet and then flicks a bit of water onto the pan to test the heat of the oil. Sure enough it sizzles back, so she takes this as confirmation to start cooking, and carefully adds the meat, first. Just then she realizes her mother has still been talking.

  “Darling, are you listening?” Nichole asks, a little impatient.

  “Of course I am. I’m just trying to figure out dinner, you should be proud of me, I’m getting better at this.”

  “I just wasn’t sure if Joslyn and Grady should come to your place.”

  “Sure if they want to, I mean I’ve got the room.” Ciana slides the vegetables into the pan, gives the whole thing a bit of a stir. “Or they can stay at home if you want.” She watches optimistically as everything in the pan gradually starts to brown.

  “Well, anyway I’m glad that arrangement will work out. I just didn’t know how you would feel about it what with this year being a bit different.”

  “Different? How is it different?”

  “Well, I’m guessing you’re not going to be...accompanied by someone this year? I wouldn’t want you to feel outnumbered, or-”

  “Mother, my life has not entirely fallen to pieces in the aftermath of me and Weldon breaking up,” she says, pointedly pausing and looking directly back into the phone’s camera. “Besides, we’re still friends.”

  “Yes, I know, but I just...Well, yes, you’re right. I shouldn’t worry.”

  “No, you certainly shouldn’t,” she adds, eyeing the steam coming off of the rice cooker and wondering if that’s what it’s supposed to be doing. “I’m fine, I am keeping busy, and Weldon’s doing perfectly well on his own, too. Besides, we’ll both be doing the holiday dance show soon, remember? We are fine.”