Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  Feeling he’d earned some free time, he kicked back next to the fireplace and relaxed. After a couple of hours, he got up and skimmed the last few pages of the book he was supposed to read.

  Eventually, Tony strolled into the cabin, shaking the snow from his boots. Setting his hat on the stand, he sat down in an old rocking chair and put a dip in his mouth. Bert sat at the little wooden table where he did his studies. He could feel Tony’s eyes piercing into his back. After a while Tony said, “Did you do all of your work?”

  Bert turned and said, “Yes sir, Uncle Tony.”

  “You read all of the books I left you?”

  “Yup, I’m finishing up the last one now.”

  Tony didn’t reply. Bert thought he’d pulled it off, and nothing else was said.

  The next morning, Bert woke to a surprise. He still didn’t understand the magic behind what Tony had done. He didn’t know if it was a simple illusion with some mind tricks, or if they’d been real, but when Bert woke up he had a very large pair of breasts hanging from his chest. He rolled out of bed in shock and horror.

  His screams roused Tony from the other room. He strolled in and said, “What the hell’s a matter with you?”

  Bert pointed at the large breasts in front of him and said, “This! What the fuck happened to me?!”

  Tony squinted as if he couldn’t see, then his face lit up. “Well damn, boy! Them are some mighty fine titties you got there!”

  “This isn’t funny!”

  Tony shrugged. “You might have to give up this wizard thing and become a pole dancer. I reckon the boys would like you just fine.”

  “What the fuck happened to me?”

  “Eh, it’s probably just your hormones.”

  “Hormones? You think hormones did this?”

  “Yup,” Tony said. “You’re a teenager. Lots of hormones as I understand it. I’m sure it’s completely natural.”

  “Tony...there is no fucking way this is natural!”

  “Yeah,” Tony continued very nonchalantly, “I’m pretty sure there was something about it in one of those books I left you to read.”

  Bert froze and just stared at his mentor.

  Tony crossed his arms, and stared back with a humorous gleam. “But I reckon you already know that since you read the books. Right?”

  Bert was stunned. “You did this to me because I didn’t read the books?”

  “That’s right, boy.” Tony wasn’t smiling anymore. What replaced it was a coldness that chilled Bert to the core. When he continued, he was clear and deliberate. “The next time you lie to me, or disobey my orders, I’m going to take that to mean you believe you’re both a man and a wizard, and we’ll be going out in the yard to find out if that’s the case. You understand me, boy?”

  Bert knew it wasn’t a joke and he’d quite possibly made the greatest mistake in his life. “Yes sir, Uncle Tony. I promise you it won’t happen again.”

  Tony held his gaze for a moment, then said, “I know, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Now go get breakfast on the stove. We have a lot of work to do today, and you have twice the reading to do tonight.”

  He started to walk away and Bert said, “Uncle...”

  Tony glanced back at him, smiling again, and said, “Oh yeah.”

  He snapped his fingers and turned to walk away. Bert looked down and his chest was normal.

  In the present, Tony was still waiting for an answer. Bert swallowed back his pride. “There’s this girl.”

  “For cryin’ out loud.” Tony shook his head. “You’re in your late twenties and still afraid to talk to girls?”

  Bert sighed. “Just this one. It’s Lilith. She just walked back into my life, and now this happens. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her again, but I don’t want her to be in danger while I deal with this dark wizard. On top of that, I’m afraid I’m not going have enough time to...well, you know...tell her how I really feel.”

  Bert put his head down, expecting a berating. Uncle Tony put his hand on Bert’s shoulder and said, “Listen to me, Bert. The life of a wizard is, more times than not, a lonely one. Sometimes we have to let the ones we care about go on without us. We don’t always get the happy endings. All we can do is make sure we do the right thing.”

  “But, what’s the right thing? I mean about Dasfarus. Obviously, I can’t just find whatever it is he’s after and give it to him. But if I don’t he’s going to kill me and come after everyone I care about.”

  “Well that one’s easy, kid. You’re going to find whatever he’s after.”

  “I am? And why exactly would I do that?”

  “Well.” Tony grinned. “Because as a member of the Hand of Magic, I’m officially commissioning you to undertake this task for me. Your job is to find whatever this dark wizard is after. You’re to let no one else know about this mission. You’re to find out whatever you can and report back to me. Do you accept this task, Waylon Drake?”

  It was Bert’s turn to grin. Uncle Tony had just changed the game. Until this moment, he hadn’t had a clear path. Now, if he agreed, he was going to be working under the authority of the Hand of Magic. That carried serious weight. It also carried with it a magical seal, much like the aura that other wizards could see and determine if another wizard outranked them. If Bert agreed to take on this task, then he would have an unseen aura he could present to other wizards to show he was working on behalf of the Hand of Magic. It wouldn’t give them any details about the mission, only that he was assigned one, and it would measure their rank against the rank of the wizard who assigned it. That meant another wizard couldn’t get in his way or order him around unless they outranked the wizard who originated the task. So long as Tony outranked Carter and his goons, they couldn’t order him to stand down.

  Tony seemed to read his thoughts. “I don’t want you waving it in anyone’s face. Only show it if you absolutely have to.”

  Bert nodded. “You got it, Uncle Tony. I accept.”

  “Good. Then you need to realize something very important.”

  He looked Bert in the eyes to ensure he was paying attention. “Your dark wizard pal isn’t causing this big of a disturbance alone. There are other powers at work, and they’re likely involved in whatever the hell is going on.”

  “I had a feeling about that.”

  “There is a lot of power moving in your little corner of the world. Something tells me you’re about to find yourself in the middle of it.”

  “What about you?”

  “I’ve got other things to deal with.” Tony shook his head. “You keep your wits about you, boy. Remember your training and stay sharp.”

  “I will Uncle,” Bert said, but Tony was gone.

  Bert sighed and headed back to the Beast. Standing around wasn’t going to get the job done.

  ***

  “Where’s Waylon?”

  The question caught Kevin off guard. He was lying on the couch, nursing his hangover. He forced open his eyes and glanced up at Lilith. He’d actually forgotten she was there. He leaned up and rubbed his head. Finally, he said, “I don’t know.”

  “Oh,” Lilith said. “I was just curious because he didn’t say anything before he left.”

  “Yeah, he does that,” Kevin replied with a shrug. “He’s probably working. I wouldn’t worry about him. He’ll be back in a while.”

  She nodded and walked toward the kitchen.

  Kevin hadn’t lied, but he wasn’t completely honest either. He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of concern for his friend. This time of year always brought out the supernatural nut jobs, and on top of that, it was around the same time Bert’s dad had gone missing. He didn’t act like it bothered him much, but Kevin knew it still did, especially around his birthday. He just hoped Bert was keeping out of trouble, but he never could be too sure.

  Chapter 7

  Bert traveled down a back road en-route to Eureka Springs. Lost in his thoughts, he rounded a corner and slammed on the brakes, bringi
ng the Beast to a sliding halt. A man stood in the middle of the road.

  The figure had sandy blond hair and a spray-on tan. He wore skinny jeans with a dark suit jacket and a gray hoody. Bert might’ve thought he was a lost clothing model if not for the short black staff in his hand. He looked like the antagonist in a high school movie, the popular asshole who always has the girl but inevitably loses her. Bert never thought that stereotype existed to such extreme. Apparently, he’d been wrong.

  The man just stood there, staring at him with a cocky smirk. Bert felt an overwhelming desire to wipe it from his face.

  Something smacked his driver door. Bert looked out to see a thick leather chord wrapped around the door handle. Further investigation revealed the chord was actually a whip. Holding the other end was a beautiful woman with a dark complexion. She was tall, with long shapely legs hugged by black leather pants and a matching top which left little to the imagination. Her long hair hung around her shoulders. She wasn’t smiling.

  “Sharp, you ready?” Bert asked his sword.

  “That goes without saying,” Sharp replied.

  Whoever they were, they were trying to intimidate him. As he started gathering energy, he decided he’d have to turn it against them.

  The woman jerked her whip, ripping his door right off the hinge.

  He jumped out, releasing energy to propel himself forward like a missile, right behind his door. Still airborne, he fired a force spell at Pretty Boy. Not waiting to see the result, he cast another force spell at his flying truck door, forcing it downward, burying it in the ground and pinning the whip.

  The woman’s eyes went wide as she tried to jerk her whip free. She didn’t look up in time to realize a human projectile was aimed right at her. Bert slammed into her, knocking her off her feet. Using his momentum, he rolled back up to a crouch.

  He glanced at Pretty Boy, who lay sprawled on the ground. Good, he thought, these people don’t have much combat experience.

  “Bert, look out left!” Sharp cried.

  He rolled to the right as a green ball of energy soared past him. It came from the cover of dense forest, but as several more followed, the culprit was revealed. His newest attacker was a small Asian man in a black jumpsuit. Jumpsuit, as he decided to call him, carried a small white wand which he used to cast his green spell.

  Something roared behind Bert and he spun to face a new threat, but found himself laughing. It couldn’t be helped. His newest attacker was a pale, lanky man with a neon green Mohawk. Furthermore, he was shirtless and his flesh was slathered in lame dragon tattoos. Naturally, he wore tight leather pants. Even his staff was ridiculous, tie dyed and bedazzled with a plethora of multi-colored feathers. The roar he’d heard came from the man himself, howling a battle cry.

  “Wow,” Sharp said. “Just when I thought they couldn’t get lamer.”

  Mohawk aimed his staff at Bert and summoned a spell. As he released it, Bert fired one himself. His spell met Mohawk’s in the middle, causing an explosion. Bert had stolen the idea from Dasfarus and knew what would happen. He hit the ground as soon as he cast. Mohawk wasn’t prepared and the shock wave sent him reeling.

  Jumpsuit fired another green blob. Bert rolled clear, stood, and hurled his sword at him. The man ducked and Sharp flew over his head. Jumpsuit grinned, pleased with himself for being so evasive. Bert smiled back as the sword altered its course and flipped up through the branch above Jumpsuit’s head. His cocky smile disappeared a moment before he got bitch slapped by foliage. He hit the ground with a gasp, but still appeared to be conscious.

  As Sharp returned to Bert’s hand he glanced at Pretty Boy and Whip Chick, who were back on their feet. With a grunt, Whip Chick yanked her whip free from the ground. Bert realized she used it as her staff, which explained how she’d ripped his door off. No doubt she could do the same to his head.

  Pretty Boy, Whip Chick, Jumpsuit, and Mohawk surrounded him. Silently, he told Sharp their assigned names. It wasn’t just for giggles, but would allow them to communicate more effectively.

  They moved around him in a cautious circle, their arrogance gone. Individually, each was probably more powerful than him, but they clearly lacked combat experience. It was one thing to know a few attack spells, but that didn’t translate to battle readiness.

  His best guess was that they’d gone rogue and were on the run. Didn’t explain why they were bothering him, though.

  In the moment before their attack, Jumpsuit gave them away by looking past Bert to his comrade beyond.

  Amateurs, Bert thought. He was already moving when they fired. All four of his new pals fired a spell at the same moment, and he dropped, watching them soar harmlessly overhead. This time the magic didn’t collide in the center, but instead sailed on by. Much to his surprise, disbelief, and pleasure, the four spells crisscrossed and sailed onward, each striking the opposite caster in a crossfire. All four of his opponents were knocked from their feet.

  Sharp cackled. “I can’t believe that just happened!”

  The four rose warily. The spells hadn’t done any damage, which meant they weren’t trying to kill him, or even really hurt him. Apparently, they just wanted to intimidate.

  “So, what do you guys want?” he asked.

  They didn’t reply. Instead, all four of them hurled magic attacks at him. He blocked as best he could, dancing in and out of magical attacks, narrowly evading most. He was badly outnumbered, though, and knew he couldn’t hold a defense against all four of them for long.

  Just when he thought he couldn’t get any more outnumbered, his sword screamed, “Bert, watch out!”

  Bert noticed the huge man right before he plowed into him, knocking him down. He hit the ground rolling, the big guy almost on top of him again as he came to a stop.

  Like the others, he appeared to be just a few years older than Bert. He looked like a defensive lineman, or just a meathead with massive rippling muscles. He wore leather pants and a tight black muscle shirt. Bert decided to call him Steroid.

  Bright energy glowed around Steroid’s hands. So, Bert thought, he can augment himself. Some magic users could use their abilities to augment their own physical strength and speed. Kevin was one of them. Weak at casting spells through a staff, wand, or any other device, he never bothered with it. Instead, his magic amplified his own physical strength. Bert’s newest opponent appeared to be the same.

  Without wasting any more time to ponder his new attacker, Bert hurled his staff between the big man’s legs and rolled out of the way. Steroid tripped and fell.

  Bert bounded to his feet and called his staff to him, but it was trapped under Steroid’s legs. He couldn’t focus magic through Sharp as well as he could with his staff, but he wasn’t helpless.

  He had no idea how old Sharp was, or where he’d initially come from, but he knew he was very powerful. The sword had its own magical defenses that were much stronger than he could conjure up with his staff. Typically, he used the sword to produce his defensive spell while casting attacks from his staff. As he used Sharp to bat away a barrage of magical attacks, he considered himself lucky to have been claimed by the strange weapon.

  Mohawk and Jumpsuit cast bright little laser beam spells at him one after another. He knocked them away and kept swinging. From what he could tell, they didn’t have a lot of juice behind them and were intended to stun.

  Meanwhile, Pretty Boy and Whip Chick attempted to flank him.

  Pretty Boy cast a purple blob. Unsure what it was, but confident he didn’t want it to hit him, he spun out of the way. It missed by inches but caught Sharp halfway up the blade. It clung to the sword like glue, its momentum pushing it against the tree next to him and pinning Sharp against the trunk. Bert tugged, but it didn’t give.

  “I’ve got this,” Sharp said. “Quit tugging on me like I’m your pecker!”

  Sharp grew warmer, his blade glowing white. The purple blob ran off the metal like warm jelly. Bert yanked Sharp free and flicked the boiling goo at his attackers.
Pretty Boy’s jaw dropped. The three guys were close enough they had to use a quick defense spell to block off the spray of burning liquid. Mohawk wasn’t quite quick enough and a small amount of the goo hit his shoulder, melting away a patch of skin while he screamed. Bert winced when he saw bone where flesh should’ve been.

  Then something yanked Bert from his feet. He hit the ground hard, knocking the air from his lungs. He glanced down to see the whip circled around his ankles. Then he was dragged across the dirt road as Whip Chick pulled him toward her.

  Steroid was back to his feet and charging at him again. The good news was his staff was now free. He summoned it to his hand, quickly conjuring a gust of wind behind Whip Chick and pushing her forward almost on top of him. Using her own power, she dove over him, but as she did he slammed his staff up into her gut. He rose to his feet just as she landed face first on the dusty road, clutching her stomach.

  The others resumed attack, throwing spells from every direction, and Steroid was almost on him again. He noticed Mohawk pause to gather energy, presumably waiting for a clean shot.

  Bert paused as well, but only for a moment, just long enough for Mohawk to fire. He dove out of the way and Steroid charged right into Mohawk’s spell. The big man went down, but hopped right back up.

  Bert danced around warily. He was drained, both physically and magically. As he searched for a way to retreat the whip appeared between his feet again and yanked him to the ground. I’ve got to do a better job at avoiding that, he thought.

  Before Bert could fight back Steroid landed on top of him, knocking the air out of his lungs once again and pinning him to the ground. He squirmed but couldn’t gain an inch.

  Sharp spoke into his mind. “I got this, Bert. You ever heard a piggy squeal when it gets branded?”

  The sword laughed with glee as it once again grew warm. Bert could feel the heat, but it didn’t burn him. His attacker didn’t have the same fortune. The sword sizzled against Steroid’s abdomen, causing him to shriek in pain as he clambered away.